goaltndrswife

Hi, everyone. I'd like to tell you my story summed up in a couple of paragraphs. I met my husband at a meeting four years ago. He started drinking again and then quit. Started up again and then quit. We had a baby boy who is just now seven months old. My mother died in November, three days before my son was born. We decided to move (I know, wherever we go, there we are) to get a fresh, new start. He has not been drinking for five months and then the other night he starts having a beer. He didn't think it tasted good, so he threw it out. He had another one and threw it out. Then, tonight, he decides that it just sounded good. So, he had a beer.

You see, we (he) have all of the classic downers-completely in debt, legal issues, no true friends, distrust from family, etc. When he drank I felt like the world was on my shoulders. He didn't work and I did. But, when I did work, whenever I got paid, the money would magically disappear. We have almost gotten evicted from our apartments three times. We moved out before it became really a legal matter. But, it seems like when he drinks, I take care of him and he just shoots me in the foot. I hate the way that I feel about him when he drinks and he yells a lot. I know that when he drinks I don't want to be with him, but my codependent butt is too scared to leave him. I don't have any money-he's drained anything that would even act like savings. I don't really have excuses, I'm just scared. He's had three beers in the past couple of days and I'm afraid it's going to go full fledge from there. I am so sick and tired of that crap. I don't really know how to explain it, but I'm sure a lot of you have been exactly where I am at right now. I don't want to feel all of that turmoil and I certainly don't want to put our son through it. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I do know that if the feelings of impending doom are going to come back, I don't want to be a part of it and I'm sure as heck am not going to have my son go through it.

Sometimes the only thought that passes through my head is, "Why couldn't I have married a normal man? One that stays out playing cards with his buddies too late. One that doesn't drink and drive. One that doesn't have to have beer in the fridge constantly and if there is beer in the fridge, it's not all gone in a day. Why did I choose this man who just doesn't seem to get that his drinking problem will always be a problem. This problem is not just going to go away so he can have just a few beers after work or one every once in awhile." I get so angry. I'm so sad. I'm so afraid. And, I"m so lost.

I'm sorry this post is very dramatic and maybe uncalled for, but I had to get this out there and see if anyone could reassure me that I am in the right place. Thanks.

Minx1969

Hi Goal and welcome...

You are in the right place..Just remember there are three C's of alcholism:

you didnt' cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it...

Pull up a chair read the stickies and I'm sure the other folks will be along to welcome you...

You might also want to try a few Al-Anon meetings..I'd recommend 6 different ones..Al-Anon is not for everyone but it has certainly helped me in the past 2 years...

once again..welcome..you are free to vent anytime and we are glad to have you..

megamysterioso

Welcome to SR and a huge hug to you. Your post is not "uncalled for" at all! Feel free to come and vent here any time. That's what we're here for. I'm so sorry for your pain, but you are not alone. I understand far too well how hellish living with the cycle of addiction is. It is very natural for you to feel afraid that his drinking will once again spiral out of control. Alcoholism is progressive and therefore, it usually gets worse before it gets better. Please be kind to yourself and remember the precious 3 Cs-- you didn't cause, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

That sentence is the key to understanding addiction and its implications IMO. As long as he doesn't view his drinking as a problem, he will NOT stop. You, however, can control the decisions that you make and your reactions to his choice to drink. Please contine to read and post here and read all the stickies at the top of the board. They are very informative and will help further your understanding of your role in all of this mess and how you can improve your situation. No one is obligated to sit back and live a miserable life. Your son and yourself have every right to a happy, non-chaotic life.

Is it possible for you to establish separate bank accounts if you have not done so already??? That is a step you may can take to safeguard your money.

denny57

Welcome, Goal

So sorry to hear you are going through this. You mention you met your husband at a meeting. If you mean a 12-step meeting, do either of you still attend? If so, it might certainly be the place for you to start for yourself.

Never worry that your venting is "dramatic and uncalled for." Not here, it isn't. I've been in the same frustrating place and knowing there are people out there who understand and are willing to listen helps lighten the load.

Glad you are here - keep coming back.

goaltndrswife

The meeting was an Open AA meeting. My stepfather is an alcoholic as well. I'm no longer going. I went to a couple Alanon meetings in an extremely small town and all they did was read from a book and discuss how the reading affected them and their lives. I need more than that. I need to hear E,S & H about what happened, what they did and where they are now. I need to know how to get a happy and serene place in my life. Did I just go to the wrong meeting? Are the meetings that I am seeking out there somewhere?
AH told me tonight that he knows he has a problem, but his drinking now won't turn into a problem. Is that the insanity coming back?! I think so. I'm so aggravated and frustrated and don't know where to go from here.

best

Welcome to SR.
The stickies are the posts at the top of the boards that say sticky beside them.
They are posts that are filled with much wisdom and info.
Keep coming back. As people show with answers and opinions, they will reply to your questions, vents, or experiences that you share.

Again Welcome

minnie

Welcome, hon. You've found a great place here.

You want some bigger picture stuff, yes? I found downloading speaker tapes from http://www.xa-speakers.org/ immenesly helpful. Some great ES&H there.

May I post my thoughts on the question Mega quoted? First of all, congrats on realising that you are with your husband through choice. Figuring out why I stayed with a problem drinker was both immensely painful and enormously liberating. The other thing that brought me great mental freedom was to realise that, whilst I had a problem with R's drinking, I didn't act as if it was. Well, I shouted and pouted and tried to manipulate him into stopping, but the bottom line was that I showed him it was at least part way acceptable by staying. The thing is, I have no right to decide what is best for anyone else in their life. But I do have the right, and the responsibility, to decide what's best for mine.

Gosh, I am sure that didn't quite come out exactly how I intended - forgive me, I am only half way through my first coffee this morning.

I am glad you've found us.

prodigal

I think we all ask ourselves from time to time, "Why didn't I marry a 'normal' man?" Regardless of our answers to that question, it seems apparent that you have been able to keep it together financially-speaking when things have gotten rough. Perhaps you should consider that. You appear to have the ability to survive the tough times, while he makes excuses for not pulling his weight or else he relies on you.

Just consider it ... he relies on you. You have the strength. If you believe that, you might also want to think about why you are carrying the load. You know, you don't have to carry the load for him, particularly when it seems evident you can carry the load for yourself and your child.

Perhaps you've carried too much responsibility too much of your life ..... even before you and your husband ever met.

Zoey

Welcome to sober recovery, this is the greatest site ever, but I feel we need both here and Al-Anon. Can you find other meetings?? With different people.
Usually we each find the right meeting if we keep trying.

Feel free to come here often, just typing out our thoughts seems to help, when we know people reading it knows what we are saying.

So much to learn here. Yes, I do feel he may drink more as alcoholism is progressive, but each person is different. Was he sober for a long time at the time you meet him or new to AA?? If they have had some sobriety and have worked the steps etc, then I feel there is a better chance they will go back to AA. Never sure.

Keep coming back.

equus

Hi there!!

You are in the right place. I think watching someone who had stopped drink is as tough as it gets - there's just something about it.

I'm hoping you won't mind me asking some questions? Boot me in the backside if you do!

When he's stopped before has he acknowledged a problem? Have you talked about what you want to happen next, ever agreed a course of action if he continues to drink?

I realised that what made the difference to me was my hubby's effort to fight it or stop, lots of folk here highlighted that as well. I was honest with him that without that effort it wasn't something I could watch him do to himself - he would have to go elsewhere if he decided he wanted to drink and be drunk. Now he's stopped we also talk about what would happen (and agree it) if he began again. He has all the information he needs to decide for himself what will lead to what, MY boundary is that if drinking interferes with his functioning (which he knows it does pretty quickly then he gets help). If he slips and has one beer, or one night gets blasted - that's his decision to make, he knows where to get the help if he wants it, he knows if he doesn't deal with it it will get worse, he knows if it gets worse he'll face the choice of going through the same struggle to quit or not being with me.

Knowing where we both stand really helped through lapses last year - it didn't stop them hurting like hell though!

I also believe in watching actions - they speak very loudly! It sounds as though your hubby has spent lots of time not drinking? If he didn't want that at some level he wouldn't have done it - at least not again and again. I know that D (my hubby) had a real battle with fearing not being able to control his booze, for a long time he felt that shred of control he had was what saved him and without it he'd be stuck. That was his battle to come to terms with and I believe he has - he doesn't want the consequences and now that seems to be enough.

Through all this I NEEDED help for me, Al-Anon wasn't for me although I know it's helped lots of people here. I used counselling, phone advice lines which put me in touch with alcohol counselling in our area (free) and counselling through a work scheme (also free). I also used SR and the support of friends.

Take care - you will find a way for you.

ICU

Welcome to SR! You've found a great place here!

As others said, there are many resources available for you to try. Open AA meetings are good to attend, as that will help you to understand what true recovery looks like. I found that what people shared there made me feel less alone, and less 'crazy' because their stories were so similar to what my then AB was doing. It was 'just my imagination'!

You might want to try several different Al-Anon meetings to see which one(s) suit you best. My mistake was attending more 'advanced level' meetings. I couldn't relate with 'happy and contented people'. I was too much of the walking wounded mentality at the time. I found that 'beginners' meetings were more in keeping with my needs, lots of raw emotion being shared there, but, those beginner meetings were not run well or only had 1 or 2 others there with no group leader. But that was just my experience in my area. I'm sure it's not that way with the majority of other meetings.

As always, I like to suggest reading Melody Beattie books on codependency. Co-dependent No More is a great one to start with. She has quite a few, but it's good to start at the beginning. Her books help to strengthen me, and, to 'learn to how to focus' and 'to keep the focus on me'. That was a concept that in the beginning was hard to grasp, but yet so criticial.

Keep coming back, asking questions, and if nothing else, just vent and let it all out. You are safe here!

reader

Welcome to SR! You have come to the right place for support and understanding. Just know u are not alone! This forumn is great for given advice or to just lend a ear for u to vent! I can't add anything else that the others haven't already said but remember take care of u and ur baby.

Missy

I had gone to Al-anon at least 10 times waiting for someone to tell me what to do and how to cure my AH. However that isnt it. No one there will tell you want to do. You learn and grasp from others experiences. I didnt think that would work but after 8 months I finally "got It". Now I have a sponsor and am working the steps. My blood pressure, etc has lowered and I am starting to feel better about myself. I still worry about my AH but I keep my mouth shut around him and do not give his comments and remarks anymore that my give him a reason to blame for for what he does. What he comes up with now are lies and we all know that and it is easier to swollow.
Good luck to you... I'm there too.
Karen xo

GettingFree

There have been great words of wisdom here so I, too, don't have much to add. However, this jumped out at me.

As Minnie said, when I started to focus on understanding why I made the choices I did, and why I stayed in toxic relationships -- rather than try to figure out why the other person did what they did -- that's when I really began to turn my life around.

welcome!

denny57

Sounds like you might have been at a step study program. For me, the best sharing of ESH is before and after the meetings, and telephone calls. That is when I really get to talk other members. If you decide to go again and are comfortable sharing in a group, you can mention exactly what you are looking for and people will come up to you after the meeting to discuss what they have done, etc. I use a lot of resources in my recovery - therapy, our family doctor, lectures, reading on my own, panels, etc. But Al-Anon has been key to my understanding and growing.

What matters most is you've decided you don't want things to remain the same as they are right now. If you have discussed this with your husband, then he knows your thoughts and feelings. Going in circles over whether he has a problem (it's a problem if it's a problem for you) will, IMO, waste precious time you could be spending on a solution.

Good luck and keep coming back.

Pick-a-name

(((GTW))) I was just signing off,but will be back later. I wanted to say "welcome" and assure you that you are at the right place! You are in good company here. I hope you will stick around. ttyl!

goaltndrswife

Thank you, girls. I am going to try to find some meetings in my area. Hopefully there will be some. I'm only ten minutes from St. Louis, so I'm sure there are plenty around.
I did talk to AH last night about his drinking. All I heard was insanity. He just experimenting. We're not in the same turmoil as we were in last time he had his long long trip to drinking. We actually have some money in the bank and are paying all of our bills. We have a beautiful baby boy and a nice home. He is working and I'm a stay at home mom. He is experimenting to see if the circumstances are good so he may be able to drink a few beers after work if he so chooses. I know it's insane and I told him. If his experimenting were to risk our current situations (home, money, good relationship, etc.) why would he do it? He said to give him a chance and if it turns out that he gets back in the same bad routine and turmoil, he'll quit or leave. My point to him was, "Why risk it? Why not just not doing it?" He said he doesn't know. His insanity is back. He has so many good friends in AA right now and with him drinking, he's going to be hiding it from them and lying to them about it and expecting me to do the same. I wish that I could tell his really good AA friend that he needs help, but I know it's not my position to do so. So, I'm going to do what I need to do for me and my son. I'm going to get help for myself, because I know that I need to stop focusing on what he is doing wrong and work on what I need to do right. Even though I'm scared of what I need to do now, I need to do it to keep me from going even more insane. Thank you, guys for helping me through this and continuing to give me the support that I need. Thank you.

ASpouse

He can't hide his relapse to his AA friends. They all know ........

No it's not ...... keep your nose out of it. Take care of you.

Cynay

Welcome to SR We are glad you found us.

I dont know how sucessful he will be in "hiding" it from his AA friends, I have met some people in AA that Im sure he could not fool.

Your last post is right on... focus on the only thing you can change... just you and your son. The rest of what he is saying is just quacking hon...

Zoey

One thing we learn is to detach with love, this seems to help the A as much as ourselves. I could not understand that. Then I heard a few AA speakers say, my wife stopped talking about my drinking and it worried me. (SMILE)
(Always there are exceptions, so whatever we do, we should try to not have expectations)
They are human and I certainly never wanted anyone to tell me what to do.

I knew I had a funny faint inter click of some kind when I heard the words , "YOU should , why don't YOU, why do You want to do that, YOU are crazy.
I feel when the A hears these words, that is what they think about and get defensive, and try to justify. I know I made it a full time thing in my head.
then I read a book on how we cannot change anyone, but life is better if we watch those words etc. Then at meetings we talk about useing, I feel.
Just my opinion, suggestion only. I really had to practice as I had picked up those words of course, seems used a lot.
Take what you can use and leave the rest.