Live

OOOOO...that is so true....it upsets the dynamics. and that is usually what happens....they really want us to regress and have things as they were. Please know that reaction is absolutely typical.

This might be a good thing to discuss or ask about at your next al-anon.

It's going to be really rough on you....but try to make and stick to that one boundary. (without discussing it)...gosh, that's even harder.

I don't know anymore than you....I have just had a little more practice. And I can say with practice it becomes more natural and easier, not just in relationships but in all aspects of life.

The rewards are worth it.

Sometimes it scares us so much, we have to mentally rehearse and rehearse until we can do that one thing we have determinded to to almost on automatic pilot.
Then flee the scene LOL!!!!!

greenapplecider

agreed it is hard and it is stirring the dynamics
coz i think she is used to me jumping up when she calls or
looks at me and says you are guilty and keeps pressing me that i get defensive
and she says well you lied so easily how can i trust you etc etc
and the more i try to talk the more she says seeee....

Live

Have you read around the boards much?

Sometimes, and not to be disrespectful, but to keep our sanity and sense of humor....we refer to the addiction talking as Quacking. Quack. Quack. Quack.
It helps us not listen to the irrationality or get sucked in. We train ourselves to not hear it except as Quack Quack Quack and not to be taken as rational or engage in it as if it were.

Gosh...we used to have lots of visuals of ducks and translator guides to what the Quacks mean.....I don't know what happened to them. But they held alot of insight and were also very funny.

greenapplecider

so is what Kathy is doing addict behavior?

Live

I really am in no position to determine that....but based on what I am hearing from you, my guess would be yes.

Please....read the stickies at the tops of the forums...several of them.

There is a wealth of treasure in them. Then you will be better informed in many ways and be able to make that determination yourself with educated knowledge.

greenapplecider

she makes it so hard.... wish she d just accept my love and want to follow thru on her wish to "be free of the chaos that has always enveloped my life, i am a drama queen Apple, and you are normalcy to me and that scares the hell out of me, coz for 31 years i ve had chaos....and that s why i push you away coz you scare me coz you aren't chaos" (quote from Kathy)

Live

We will be here for you, supporting you, encouraging you....but just as you took that step for yourself going to al-anon....it really is going to be you that sorts it out.....once again...I recommend reading the stickes...because in the end any actions or decisions you make are yours, individual to you and your path must be your own.

And .....I would consider that statement a big red flag. You can't cure her chaos, but she can make your life chaos if you allow it.

greenapplecider

i am learning
can't control it
can't cure it
didn't cause it

Live

Right on!

greenapplecider

it does not have to be this hard....i realize she's had a rough past and i have as i ve said made my mistakes and lied to her and got caught lying to her which really hurt her and put friction between us, but i am wanting to move on with our lives and put all of our past hurts etc behind....i wish she could

Live

That's up to her.

Zoey

Very, very much addict behavior. They always have something to blame anyone or everyone, but the SO is the only one that listens or cares, and tries so hard to fix it. Everyone else laughs, or walks away.

So you lied, did you lie about something big or just a lie most anyone might tell??

greenapplecider

yea in fact today she was texting me and we have to change plans that we had a couple weeks from now as daughter cannot come with us and Kathy has no sitter to stay with daughter while we'd be out of town....well then a little bit later she texted me "help me" and when i listened to her voice mail she talked of feeling very depressed and wanting to go to hospital and needs my help etc
right now she is waiting i think for daughter's grandparents to come get child so she can go to hospital and get seen.

as for the lies....well....i broke her trust, once it was mistake, second time, i foolishly lied to get back at her coz she had hurt me, and i felt awful and told her so afterwards, said i would make every effort to regain her trust and to do my best not to hurt her, etc.

Live

I am here but have no comment.
Let us know how you are and how it goes.
We codies are very nosey LOL

Zoey

live don't we say, "it is because I care". wouldn't want anyone to think we are nosey, one place where we ignore "this is an honest program ". (SMILE)
I say I am curious, can ya see through that one??? LOL

I am sure you care, and yes, I care very much, I want everyone all well, so I love hearing about their progress.
Just feeling goofy today. Consider the sourse. (Lv to ALL)

Live

that's funny! But it did remind me to say I am nosey and not to speak for anyone else!

How about I am interested????? I can justify that....it is like watching part of a movie or reading part of a book and wanting "the rest of the story" LOL

Besides what else have I got to do? Take care of my own business?

Zoey

live , so right about wanting the rest of the story, I agree.
minding my own business is no fun. I know that story. (SMILE)

greenapple, sorry I hijacked, how are you doing??

When I was little I wanted to be a nurse, then I saw blood and couldn't handle that, so started reading psychology, so you know I want to help with the pain. Take care

greenapplecider

well friends Kathy went into mental health unit to get help tonight
your prayers for her are welcome!

Live

Now....that is GOOD GOOD news!
It may not feel like it to you...but hey, forget the stigma of the mental ward.
I have been in one for a week for clinical depression....and just two weeks ago my shrink wanted to put me in to de-tox off a med she has been prescribing for me for 4 years. The first time was needed. The second time I said bull-hockey. Sorry, that's irrelevant. Kathy is getting the care and professional management she needs. And it is so much better sooner than later.
Now, what about you? Nudge, nudge....when is your next al-anon appointment? The one that keeps you centered and sane in the midst of chaos?
hugs friend,
live

greenapplecider

well apparently she had a rough experience at the mental health unit.
The place she usually goes to was full so they transferred her to this other place.
At this other place if you want water, etc you need to ask at the top of the hour or you need to wait til the next top of the hour.

Then they tried to tell her they would not transfer her back to her regular place (which has been promised as soon as the regular place had available bed), so she walked out....i called her doctor and doctor has appointments today (psychiatrist) so i left Kathy a message about openings, but I have no idea where she is, she said she was going home and then to treatment, but i stopped by treatment to bring her a chocolate bar and no sign of her