Change the locks?
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
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I think we need to back off and remember that we all have our own paths and journeys.
Alot of the responses sound judgmental to me.
Who are we to pronounce...you have regressed.
For almost everyone of us, the process is steps forward and steps back. And we all do what we want or need to in our own time.
If I were Jess, I would be feeling alienated and defensive by now and not wanting to post.
Alot of the responses sound judgmental to me.
Who are we to pronounce...you have regressed.
For almost everyone of us, the process is steps forward and steps back. And we all do what we want or need to in our own time.
If I were Jess, I would be feeling alienated and defensive by now and not wanting to post.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Jessica, you know that I understand quite a bit from where you are coming from.
But there is no sense in you going out and spending the money and taking the time and effort to change the locks when you know darn well that when he'd come stumbling to the door and possibly make a scene that you would simply unlock the door and let him in. So really - what would be the point in all that effort for the same result?
You've gotten some great responses so I'll just leave my reply as it is.
But there is no sense in you going out and spending the money and taking the time and effort to change the locks when you know darn well that when he'd come stumbling to the door and possibly make a scene that you would simply unlock the door and let him in. So really - what would be the point in all that effort for the same result?
You've gotten some great responses so I'll just leave my reply as it is.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
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I think (at least for myself) what some of these folks are saying is... not only did you dig the hole 
, jumped in, but (again this is my thinking, if I did this) It would be the equivalant of either jumping in the already dug ~ Way too deep Hole (that has just begun to get filled up, a little & mine has been gone for over a yr...) Or possibly a entirely new hole... to get even deeper. Possibly you feel this cover up talk, because he has only been back for a short time??? If I was to have my A back, now... It could work for a bit, till all the extra money spent on him (utilities bills go up, food, etc) and nothing coming back, would mount and then get angry all over again and back where you were... I understand the meaning, Now of why you need, the A to live Successfully for at least a yr on their own (no drinking, paying all bills, etc)... not in the car, on a drinking buddies couch, maybe with a roommate that doesn't drink would be ok... But really even in that, unless the A was the one getting trampled on, he could be using that person... Say ~ Do You Think He Would Tell You IF he was Using this Person??? My xabf wouldn't even let me know about his 2nd & 3rd dui, I had to find out on my own... some partner that was...
, jumped in, but (again this is my thinking, if I did this) It would be the equivalant of either jumping in the already dug ~ Way too deep Hole (that has just begun to get filled up, a little & mine has been gone for over a yr...) Or possibly a entirely new hole... to get even deeper. Possibly you feel this cover up talk, because he has only been back for a short time??? If I was to have my A back, now... It could work for a bit, till all the extra money spent on him (utilities bills go up, food, etc) and nothing coming back, would mount and then get angry all over again and back where you were... I understand the meaning, Now of why you need, the A to live Successfully for at least a yr on their own (no drinking, paying all bills, etc)... not in the car, on a drinking buddies couch, maybe with a roommate that doesn't drink would be ok... But really even in that, unless the A was the one getting trampled on, he could be using that person... Say ~ Do You Think He Would Tell You IF he was Using this Person??? My xabf wouldn't even let me know about his 2nd & 3rd dui, I had to find out on my own... some partner that was...
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Originally Posted by JessicaNAJ
But then I think of the wonderful stories I've heard here where someone's loved one finds sobriety....and "during" the Sun thru Thurs thing.....it actually seems possible that he wants to.
It is a very hard thing to do to let go of someone we love and let them have control of their own life and problems. Hard as it is, it is the most loving thing you can do. Please take some time to read the posts from alcoholics and you will see what I mean.
L
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
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Very true LTD. Jess, I sincerely hope that you don't take anything that anyone on this board has said to you in a hurtful way. I've found that I prefer a good smack of honest opinions in my life and my own situation with my AH. It is true that we all must ultimately decide when we've had enough and move forward from there. However, if others think that my actions are preventing me from moving forward, I find it worth something to ponder. I wish you all the best, but hoping and wishing for things alone do not make them happen.
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Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by StandingStrong
Jessica, you know that I understand quite a bit from where you are coming from.
But there is no sense in you going out and spending the money and taking the time and effort to change the locks when you know darn well that when he'd come stumbling to the door and possibly make a scene that you would simply unlock the door and let him in. So really - what would be the point in all that effort for the same result?
You've gotten some great responses so I'll just leave my reply as it is.
But there is no sense in you going out and spending the money and taking the time and effort to change the locks when you know darn well that when he'd come stumbling to the door and possibly make a scene that you would simply unlock the door and let him in. So really - what would be the point in all that effort for the same result?
You've gotten some great responses so I'll just leave my reply as it is.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Jess, glad to see you back, but a little saddened to hear the confusion in your posts.
Did you know that you are allowed to create the life you need and want? That it's OK to make decisions for your own happiness and well-being?
I can't help but think that if G ever made the decision to call it a day, it would be the start of a wonderful life for you. What a shame that you are doing everything to avoid that happening.
Did you know that you are allowed to create the life you need and want? That it's OK to make decisions for your own happiness and well-being?
I can't help but think that if G ever made the decision to call it a day, it would be the start of a wonderful life for you. What a shame that you are doing everything to avoid that happening.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Originally Posted by Morning Glory
That's just cruel and sad.
It took me years to change my choices. I was emotionally damaged and made choices to survive on a day to day basis. Those choices I made were extremely dysfunctional, but they kept me alive.
Changing my choices was not an option for me for a long time. The place I began my recovery was by owning responsibility for my choices even if I couldn't make better choices at the time.
Changing my choices was not an option for me for a long time. The place I began my recovery was by owning responsibility for my choices even if I couldn't make better choices at the time.
Jessica, you know I wish you the best. The choices you have made and continue to make are not the ones I would make, but I'm not you and I don't live in your situation.
You should not feel you are being judged as one poster commented on. You put this out there for all to see and advise you on. You got other folks advice and opinions..... like them or not, they are what they are.
If I am one of the ones who you are thinking about with a spouse that reached sobriety ... believe me, things are not always rosy and wonderful here. We love each other and we raise our family ..... but we sure as hell are not The Cleaver Family! Don't base what you want on what others have ...... I bet I say at least twice a week I wish I was single again or just lived with my dogs ...... ah, how simple life would be for me, but that is not the way it is. Each day my H and I just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward and believe me, before the last 3 years, it was 13 years of hell Jessica, 13 years of pure drunken, drug induced hell, with major financial problems we are still digging out of and the repercussions of his drinking and my enabling still to this day rear their ugly heads! Sobriety does not bring happiness ..... we worked hard on "ourselves" independently of each other in order to make this work ... and we are still doing that today and I believe we will for many years to come!
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Jessica, having read back through this thread and knowing you as I do, I'm betting you are probably regretting posting and really feeling attacked. (Forgive me if I'm wrong, but you and I have talked enough that I just have the feeling that is how you feel).
Please remember that everyone here wants what is best for you. Everyone cares about you.
Anyways, I think the reality comes down to this........
You are not happy with the way things are.
Now....what do you plan to do about it?
Please remember that everyone here wants what is best for you. Everyone cares about you.
Anyways, I think the reality comes down to this........
You are not happy with the way things are.
Now....what do you plan to do about it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
You are not happy with the way things are.
Now....what do you plan to do about it?
Now....what do you plan to do about it?
Thanks SS.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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Posts: 872
Jessica,
By you thinking your kids are fine you are so far in denial it's pretty frightening.
Ngaire
By you thinking your kids are fine you are so far in denial it's pretty frightening.
Ngaire
Originally Posted by JessicaNAJ
I was talking about Aspouses quote and comment about me saying can you all pretend you don't know me and treat me as a newby. I said that b/c I knew the kind of responses I'd get. I understand totally where I'm at right now, I just can't seem to explain it to you all. As far as my kids.....(I know some will psychoanalyze this too) They are fine!
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[
Letting him back in was totally illogical. Thinking your kids are fine is totally illogical.
Ngaire
QUOTE=JessicaNAJ]I was not planning on buying new locks, just switching them. But as I already pointed out....that thought was illogical.[/QUOTE]
Letting him back in was totally illogical. Thinking your kids are fine is totally illogical.
Ngaire
QUOTE=JessicaNAJ]I was not planning on buying new locks, just switching them. But as I already pointed out....that thought was illogical.[/QUOTE]
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Jessica,
He will never get sober as long as you are trying to "control him, not take care of him "control" him.
Ngaire
He will never get sober as long as you are trying to "control him, not take care of him "control" him.
Ngaire
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Jess, I hear the longing from you for that to happen. I would suggest reading some of the posts over on the Alcoholism and AA boards. If you really want him to find sobriety, you must get out of the way. By enabling him as you are, you are the one PREVENTING him from finding it. If you want to feel guilty, feel guilty about helping him kill himself. There is no guarantee that he will get sober if you stop enabling him, but there is an almost certain guarantee that he will NEVER get sober as long as he has you to take care of him.
It is a very hard thing to do to let go of someone we love and let them have control of their own life and problems. Hard as it is, it is the most loving thing you can do. Please take some time to read the posts from alcoholics and you will see what I mean.
L
It is a very hard thing to do to let go of someone we love and let them have control of their own life and problems. Hard as it is, it is the most loving thing you can do. Please take some time to read the posts from alcoholics and you will see what I mean.
L
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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Posts: 872
With you saying to us to pretend we don't know you and treat you like a newbie you are trying to control our reactions to your post and what we are going to say to you.
Ngaire
Ngaire
Originally Posted by JessicaNAJ
Hi friends! How are you? I need some advice, can you all pretend you don't know me and treat me as a newby?
G's been staying here. three weeks ago, he got a job and has since gotten three paychecks. So far, I've gotten a tank of gas and a carton of cigs. Let me...ahem...justify. The first week, he check was tiny....got paid on friday, gone by sunday (that's funny, that's the check I actually got money out of).
The second check (a full 40 hours), gone by Saturday...at 7:00 I drove past his drunk @$$ and picked him up (he was on his way to my house). I should have let him walk b/c even after I said THREE times that I didn't want to argue, we argued. He said (under his breath), I should just pack my sh!t and leave. I calmly asked him if he needed a ride and suddenly I'm the bad guy wanting him to leave. You know I had to tell him that that wasn't what I was saying and I HAD to try to clarify it to him....b/c now I'm feeling guilty. Anyway, huge fight. My stupidity for getting pulled in.
The third check, gone by Saturday AGAIN. I calmly asked if he got things accomplished (since he owes so many bad checks), he told me he did. I calmly said, "well, at least you got things accomplished."
Every Friday, he just goes away. I don't hear a word from him. Twice now he's come back at 1:30-3:30 in the morning. I'm pissed. He's eating my food, using my shower....gosh, there is so much. I'm ok. I'm not absorbed by all this crap like I use to be, but I can actually see him working me....know what I mean. He plays games with me. Truth is, I'm not strong enough to call his bluff. I still deal with the guilt he throws back at me....and it sucks me up. I am addressing this with my counselor.
I'm cautious with what I say to him b/c I don't want to put myself in a situation where I will feel guilty. I'm letting him burn his own bridge and keeping myself out of guilts way. Hoping that one day.....I will be strong enough to say "ENOUGH".
So my question is this.....Would you change the locks? So when he comes home tonight, he can't get in?
G's been staying here. three weeks ago, he got a job and has since gotten three paychecks. So far, I've gotten a tank of gas and a carton of cigs. Let me...ahem...justify. The first week, he check was tiny....got paid on friday, gone by sunday (that's funny, that's the check I actually got money out of).
The second check (a full 40 hours), gone by Saturday...at 7:00 I drove past his drunk @$$ and picked him up (he was on his way to my house). I should have let him walk b/c even after I said THREE times that I didn't want to argue, we argued. He said (under his breath), I should just pack my sh!t and leave. I calmly asked him if he needed a ride and suddenly I'm the bad guy wanting him to leave. You know I had to tell him that that wasn't what I was saying and I HAD to try to clarify it to him....b/c now I'm feeling guilty. Anyway, huge fight. My stupidity for getting pulled in.
The third check, gone by Saturday AGAIN. I calmly asked if he got things accomplished (since he owes so many bad checks), he told me he did. I calmly said, "well, at least you got things accomplished."
Every Friday, he just goes away. I don't hear a word from him. Twice now he's come back at 1:30-3:30 in the morning. I'm pissed. He's eating my food, using my shower....gosh, there is so much. I'm ok. I'm not absorbed by all this crap like I use to be, but I can actually see him working me....know what I mean. He plays games with me. Truth is, I'm not strong enough to call his bluff. I still deal with the guilt he throws back at me....and it sucks me up. I am addressing this with my counselor.
I'm cautious with what I say to him b/c I don't want to put myself in a situation where I will feel guilty. I'm letting him burn his own bridge and keeping myself out of guilts way. Hoping that one day.....I will be strong enough to say "ENOUGH".
So my question is this.....Would you change the locks? So when he comes home tonight, he can't get in?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I think Jessica has already made up her mind about what works best for her. She's had 2 years of learning about this disease and her way of handling G and their marriage is the way she has chosen. It's her choice, but Jessica, if you post again about this, it should be quite clear the type of response you are going to get. We all, I hope, like to see good solid recovery and I hope someday to see it from you also. From what you offer us in writing, it does not look like good solid recovery, at least in my very very humble opinion. The best to you!
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
This has been a hard thread to read. I agree with Live -- I'm hearing a lot of judgment and condemnation.
For me recovery was hardly a consistent steady climb. Sometimes it was two steps forward, one step back -- and sometimes it felt like one step forward, and two steps back.
We are all at the places we are. Some are further ahead. Some may be stuck for a while. Some may just have fallen down one of the snakes on the board, another just scooted up a big ladder. The journey will be what it is. I'd like to hope we accept each other where we're at while continuing to offer support and advice when asked for. This isn't to say we sugarcoat our words. But there's a tone of criticism and scorn that's coming out here.
This kind of speaks for itself.
best
gf
For me recovery was hardly a consistent steady climb. Sometimes it was two steps forward, one step back -- and sometimes it felt like one step forward, and two steps back.
We are all at the places we are. Some are further ahead. Some may be stuck for a while. Some may just have fallen down one of the snakes on the board, another just scooted up a big ladder. The journey will be what it is. I'd like to hope we accept each other where we're at while continuing to offer support and advice when asked for. This isn't to say we sugarcoat our words. But there's a tone of criticism and scorn that's coming out here.
Originally Posted by ASpouse
before the last 3 years, it was 13 years of hell Jessica, 13 years of pure drunken, drug induced hell
best
gf
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