Change the locks?

Old 06-04-2006, 05:47 AM
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Sunday through Thursday is ok....but not great. He goes to work everyday, helps with the kids in the morning, and comes home every night. He's helpful and cooks and does the laundry. Just like before.
And you see nothing has changed from 2 years ago.

But the thing that jumped out at me was "is she using him too?" At times like this, we need to look at our motives to see if our actions satisfy our own personal needs and wants.
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Old 06-04-2006, 05:56 AM
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This has all come to a point where I have to consider what all this would look like to a Judge, to friends and relatives and the neighbors. All I'm saying is the wrong motivation and moves made that you can't explain can make you look deserving of the choices you've made. Sorry to be blunt.
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Old 06-04-2006, 06:19 AM
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Welcome Back Jess, I have been think of you lately and was wondering how u have been. Lots of informative posts and advice already given. So i have really nothing to add but how are the kids and how to they feel with the recent changes with their Dad? As much as we need to focus on "us", i believe that my kids and their wellbeing is more important than my own needs and wants. I always keep in mind that they didn't ask to be born! well, good to see u back and take it one day at a time!! Kerry
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Old 06-04-2006, 06:53 AM
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Originally Posted by JessicaNAJ
I can only apply what I've learned from here and al-anon and counseling in my future, not in my past.
Jessica, you've got to apply it to the PRESENT. Al-Anon and any counselor worth their salt will tell you that: today is what matters. One day at a time.

My sense is your original post is the reality. Your courage to post it in the face of what replies you might get here suggests to me you are in a lot of pain over your situation. For many years, I also tried to convince myself I was someone other than who I was. There were 3 people I let define me: my mother, my sister and my AH. My thinking got so confused because I had these 3 people telling me who I was, what I wanted, what I really thought, etc. Why I did that, instead of trusting myself and all the other people in my life who didn't see me that way, is why I'm in therapy. :-)

No, you do not have to defend yourself to anyone. When I opened my heart and mind to contrary ways of thinking, though, and started to truly believe in my worth, my recovery began in earnest.

Good luck to you.
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Old 06-04-2006, 07:13 AM
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This simple statement ......

I need some advice, can you all pretend you don't know me and treat me as a newby?
... tells me how much Jessica tries to control situations and responses.
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Old 06-04-2006, 07:29 AM
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I too am confused...What in the heck happened to create so much
change(negative) in you....I see no change in G....none at all. He appears to
be doing everything he was doing 2 years ago....you didn't like it
then, why on earth do you think you would like it now?
If he is welcome in your home why would you change the locks
counter productive if you ask me.....
I agree that you should probably start over again, with yourself.
Somehow you lost the recovery that I was seeing in you, somewhere
along the line.
As I said I am confused by this new info that you gave us...
I will just pray that you find some resolution that is beneficial to
you and you kids.....the boat you're on is slowly sinking....
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Old 06-04-2006, 08:07 AM
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Hi Jessica,

Let's see I won't treat you as a newcomer but I will treat you as somebody who has supposedly had alot of awarenesses and suddenly turned out the light on them.

You have choices, why after everything you've been through with the horses butt you'd let him back into your house is beyond me. Nothing has changed.

And at the risk of being unkind so what if you are spending alot of time with your kids..seems to me you are using that as a rationale for behavior that you know is extremely destructive for your kids ie letting horses butt back into the house.

Seems to me you'd better go back to step one "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable."

Seems to me the issue here isn't Horses Butt but more your control issues with him.

Change the locks, why? Sounds like a game. What lesson are you trying to teach him? And what are you teaching your kids? Is this good for them?

Ngaire
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Old 06-04-2006, 08:48 AM
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Okay, let's pretend that this was a newbie post--

Hi all, I'm new here and here is my story. I kicked my AH out of the house two years ago because I couldn't tolerate his behavior any more. He didn't get better after he left, in fact, he got worse. Now I have invited him back to live with me and my children. He is working, but not helping at all financially. Even though he is sober and somewhat helpful on weekdays, every weekend he goes on a binge and spends his entire paycheck. I am so frustrated with this, I am considering changing the locks, but not because I want to kick him out, because I want to teach him a lesson. What should I do?
What would you think/say, Jessica if you read this from someone else?
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Old 06-04-2006, 09:09 AM
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i haven't read all the posts here, but there was something in the "codependent no more book" that you made me think of. We can and do go back into our codependencies, and then when we realize we really do not want to be there, we move forward. this may be what you are doing.
Hang in there Jess, you will one day realize that what you are condoning under your own roof, will be what your children will accept as "normal" for their lives as well.
If you are trying to delay and deny the "anger" you may possess being in your situation, it could come out in a rather dreadful mess-- btdt. My prayers are with you and yours.
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Old 06-04-2006, 09:30 AM
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Originally Posted by ASpouse
... tells me how much Jessica tries to control situations and responses.
It was not meant seriously. I thought my friends would understand that. Maybe I should have put a little smiley behind that. hmmm.......
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Old 06-04-2006, 09:33 AM
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Thank you everyone.
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Old 06-04-2006, 10:09 AM
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Jessica, you say it wasn't meant seriously. This whole thing is very serious, especially when kids are involved. You accepted him back on his terms and that's exactly what you got. You had hoped for something different. As an adult you can't explain, can you imagine how mixed up your kids are getting?
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Old 06-04-2006, 10:15 AM
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Originally Posted by mallowcup
you say it wasn't meant seriously.
I was talking about Aspouses quote and comment about me saying can you all pretend you don't know me and treat me as a newby. I said that b/c I knew the kind of responses I'd get. I understand totally where I'm at right now, I just can't seem to explain it to you all. As far as my kids.....(I know some will psychoanalyze this too) They are fine!
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Old 06-04-2006, 10:22 AM
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Forgive me and no, I don't have children of my own, but I've known plenty that grew up in alcoholic dysfunctional households. They may appear "fine" to you on surface, but I can assure you they're not. Alcoholic dysfunction such as you describe has a huge impact that they will carry forever.
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Old 06-04-2006, 10:26 AM
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Yourlast post does validate that if you don't hear what you want , you will make that the "lack of understanding", on the part of those who comment. You imply that we don't get it. We get it.
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Old 06-04-2006, 10:59 AM
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Originally Posted by mallowcup
Yourlast post does validate that if you don't hear what you want , you will make that the "lack of understanding", on the part of those who comment. You imply that we don't get it. We get it.
I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't think it's the "lack of understanding" on the part of those who comment, I think it the lack of me explaining myself in a clear way because I want so badly for you to understand...that while this situation may not be what a lot of you think is the best, it's the best I can do at this time. I'm not saying this is it PERIOD. I'm very open to suggestions. I've read every last word in this thread. It has affected me in more ways than you know.
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Old 06-04-2006, 11:04 AM
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Jess all I see right now is a woman who has slipped back...way back
and in desperate need of step one...I can't help but wonder....
what kind of comments would you like to see in response to this thread?
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Old 06-04-2006, 11:18 AM
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Originally Posted by JessicaNAJ
It was not meant seriously. I thought my friends would understand that. Maybe I should have put a little smiley behind that. hmmm.......
Jess, I'm sorry I'm not buying that explanation. I think you meant it quite seriously. You sound like my teenage daughter trying to "backtrack" and "fix" her answers to me. Sorry!

You are saying too much in this particular thread (and many others) "oh I should have said it different, or I didn't mean it the way I wrote it, or no, that's not what I meant".

All signs of a mind living in chaos!
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Old 06-04-2006, 11:23 AM
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You know Judy, I never thought about it but *I* do that. I didn't realize it was common but now, I realize lots of us here do that. I'll explain something and then not realize just how messed up it is....ya'll show me just how unhealthy it is and I have tried to back track. I do it with my ah as well....once he starts in, I take back so much of what I say. It's frustrating because you feel as if you can't express yourself correctly, I feel that way a lot. Truth is, I probably express myself just fine....but my feelings and facts get all confused in my head and before you know it, I don't know what's up or down.

thank goodness the cobwebs are slowly being swept.

Jess, you don't know what you want or how to get it.....I've been there, still am many days.
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Old 06-04-2006, 11:39 AM
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Jess -

I'm sorry to see you in this state!

I have a few questions:

1. Why exactly did you invite him to move back in?

2. Since you can see for yourself that he hasn't changed, why are you
continuing to let him stay?

3. What do your kids think is going on? Is dad back for good?

4. We know what he is getting out of this arrangement. What exactly
are you getting out of it?

5. What in God's name do you feel guilty about? You didn't cause him to
be an alcoholic, did you? You don't make him drink, do you?

By not letting go of this terrible situation, you must be getting some satisfaction from it. What exactly do you get from hanging on to a situation that you can't control?

Can't you picture what your life and your kids lives could be like without G being such a focus. You've let him back in. You've seen that he still is unwilling to make any changes in himself. What is the payoff for you in this situation?

You are making life so much more difficult than it needs to be. You spend way to much time worrying about G and your "guilt." I truly don't understand why you won't accept that he is an alcoholic who is unwilling to get help. Your guilt serves no purpose. It continues to give him a soft place to fall and gives you . . . . . . . what?

Try thinking in black and white instead of many many shades of grey. You are just confusing yourself. Do what is best for you and your kids. I can't believe that you feel that having G in your lives is best for anyone.

What would you say to a "newbie" with your situation?

Hugs, Jo
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