sadface

I have heard from AH yesterday morning. He said he wanted to leave the half-way house and he was told they didn't think he was ready. Long story short, I asked him how he felt. He said he felt he should stay an additional 1 or 2 days. I told him he should stay as long as he needs too. We are separated whether he leaves or not it really doesn't affect me. I was thinking more of him just as if it was someone else telling me this. When he called me, the group was going to other meetings. In the evening, he called my son and asked if he wanted to spend the weekend with him. AH is pickiing my son up today (don't know what time). I will be at work so I won't see AH. I am starting to wonder if he BS me. He has lied to me so much...I don't know what to believe anymore. Another thing, I had stopped answering the phone when he calls, and now I do answer beause I was worried about him. He calls me only once during the day and reports his progress. Is this normal or am I enabling him? I don't understand why he feels he needs to report to me. We don't argue, I mostly just listen. Don't get me wrong, I do care but I don't want to fall in his lies anymore. I was sooo worried about him. I guess I have to wait for actions not words. In my heart, I pray that he quits...even though we are separated I heard he was getting worse. From what I can figure he has been in the half-way house for 10 days (if it is true). I really do want to believe but....

reader

Hi SD, I am sorry that he is progressing with his alcoholism. I hope he will find soberity especially with a child involved. It's to bad he left the halfway house, they really have the knowledge to support him. I think u are doing great establishing your boundries and not taking his calls all the time. I will say a prayer for u all and especially ur H that God will support him! Kerry

best

Daily calls can be just words and manipulations or they can be his trying to lift up his self worth (pat himself on the back)

Still comes down to...actions rule the truth.

megamysterioso

Actions do rule and these phone calls only serve to keep you as heavily involved in his life as he possibly can IMO. Have you told him that he does not need to report to you and you would appreciate that he cease?? I really can't tell from your post if you are irritated by it or not. Good luck to you.

Janitw

Sadface - I agree with whats already been said here. Just stand back and watch what happens for a little while because time tells.....I hope that it will work out for the very best sweetie.

Janet

mallowcup

I don't see the harm in a sober converstion, Nondrinking life needs to have elements in it that would make someone glad they aren't drinking. Being rude and snotty to someone who is doing the work doesn't seem right. If their drinking makes us that bitter and unreceptive and their sobriety makes us equally bitter and nonreceptive, why would they continue to not drink? That is not to say you make your self vulnerable or that they should quit for you.

LaTeeDa

I agree with your post, for the most part, Mallow, but I have a problem with the above. Addicts must find sobriety for their own reasons and if a relationship has turned sour because of their drinking, that is a consequence they must face. If WE want to continue to have a relationship with them, then WE must deal with our anger and bitterness, but fear of making them drink should not be part of that.

JMHO,

L

megamysterioso

Ditto 100% LTD!!!

CatsTail

Just my 2 cents worth but until he is working a sober program and has other means of support ie sponsor and A.A friends I would not take his calls.

He is using you as the crutch right now and it's really not helpful to him. As long as he can you everyday and know you are going to be on the other end of the phone he doesn't have to get a healthy suppost system.

And ask yourself is taking his calls everyday good for you?

Ngaire

sadface

I don't think I am bitter. I pray daily that my husband quits drinking and drugs. I see how much my son loves and misses him. And I really don't mind him calling and reporting to me. He did the same thing, a year ago, when he quit meth the first time. I was his support throughout the following months and then I found out he was still seeing the OW and I stopped all communication for almost 3 mos. We leave for a week and when we come back, he tells us what happened to him. He confesses a couple of days after we left, he started meth again and drank so much that he doesn't remember what he did for two days and now he was in a half-way house. He says he shares a room with one other person, he can't make calls, (but he did) and he can't leave the premises (but he did). He said he didn't have any cigarettes so I told him we would take him a couple of packs and at the same time my son and I can see him. He won't tell me where he is at and said no, they won't let him come out. So I told him that okay's, we will drop them off and we can also write a letter and drop it off. He said he would check.Then he calls a half hour later and says he is picking my son up from school and stopping by my work to see me. They made an exception, they let him leave for a couple of hours and it would be up to him if he returns. When I saw him, I felt so bad for him. I thought I was looking at a man off the street that I didn't know. He eyes started to tear up so I hugged him. My heart went out to him. We encouraged him to stay at the half-way house as long as he needs too, and he said he would. Friday morning he calls, and during our conversation, he decides to stay one or two more days. I reminded him that he needs to do this for himself and only he can do it (as he used to tell me). I went on to say, my son and I are here for support. I told him to listen to them, because they know what they are talking about and they can help him. Later that night he calls me son and says he will pick him up Saturday so they can spend the weekend together. Red flags are being raised. What? Am I being lied to. Is he still drinking/drugs? Is he still seeing the OW, and if so, why is he reporting to me. Am I being sucked in again. He owes me a month of child support is this his excuse. So what happens, he never calls or shows up to pick up son who didn't want to go anywhere because he is waiting for his dad. If my husband is truly in recovery, I will be his support. I know he has to concentrate on himself, but I don't want to be lied to and sucked in again. If he isn't in recovery, why continue with his lies. Does he report to me so I believe he is there? And all the while he is drinking/drugs and partying with OW. Anybody been in half-way house/recovery. Does this sound right?

megamysterioso

What??? My granny's adage of "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" is ringing in my ear! If it were me, he would have blown my trust and any hope of me being his future support system with that first betrayal. Who knows what he's up to now??? Obviously nothing too good if he did not show up to pick up your son. He doesn't deserve your support right now if you ask me. I think he needs to get from his peers if he is truly serious about recovery. It sounds to me like all of this is just a way to keep you hooked.

deettah

Yikes Sadface, I am so sorry for your troubles. We all have to learn our own way what out limit is as far as tolerance goes with our AH's but one thing is of utmost importance is that you recognize what it may be doing to your son and that you don't forget that your son needs your support more than your AH does.