I can hardly believe it myself.
 

I don't know why I am stunned. I guess I am suprised that he gave up his sobriety of almost 5 years(with periodic short relapses). My AH just showed up here drunk. Thank God my son was asleep. I went outside to tell AH to turn down his car stereo and I knocked on the driver's side window to get his attention, in his drunken stupor he did not see me approach the car. When he rolled down the window I smelled a rush of beer and alcohol odor. I couldn't help myself and asked him why he smelled like beer? DUH? He answered "Because I stopped by the local bar and had a few and a shot." He then proceeded to ask me for a kiss and profess his love for me "down to the bottom of his heart" and in the next breath tell me what a b*tch I was to him and that he drank because he couldn't handle being away from me. Argh!!! I told him that it was his choice to drink and that I wanted him to leave. He asked if I would call the police and I said that I would because he was drunk and DRIVING!!! A COMPANY CAR FROM HIS NEW JOB NO LESS!!! I asked him if he forgot about the great job that he had gotten and if he knew what would happen if he were to get pulled over, I asked him if he forgot about his aspiration to be a better dad and he said he didn't care anymore and I asked him if he didn't care why should I? I then gave him until then count of ten to leave and he did. Should I have turned him in? What if he kills someone on the road or himself? How can I detach from that? God keeps giving me these slap-in-the-face signs and I have ignored them. I CANNOT ignore this. Not again.:wtf1:

Do you know where he would be heading? If so a call to see that he has made it and maybe ask if they would take the keys from him.
Calling the police....If it was someone you didn't know and knew they were driving drunk...would you call?

Some will say...Hands off.

I say...do what you feel you need do for your own peace of mind.

As to the rude things he said...need remember...He is drunk. His words were just words. Do not take them personal.

Well, I just called his cell phone to find out that he is at a bar here in town so I then called a mutual friend of ours and asked that they go and take away his keys since I can't go with my son. The friend said that he would go and see if they can find him. I am shaking.

Classic A behavior of blaming everything and everyone but himself for the "reason" why he drinks! You really should not be surprised about it though, but I can relate to giving him "too much credit". I've done that before w/my AH too and have always gotten the reality slap.

It is your call on whether or not to call the police. I personally wouldn't b/c it is his choice to drive drunk and be irresponsible. If there are consequences, those are his to face. I do understand you wanting to "protect" innocents on the road, but we as codies must realize that we CANNOT control everything.

IMO Deettah, you need to go back to no contact and the sooner the better. This type of drama will continue for quite a while I think unless you put an end to it. He cannot affect you in this way if he is not around you.

He DOES NOT care. Really listen to him. He DOES NOT care about sobriety and the commitment it takes to remain sober for LIFE. His actions have proven this over and over again (what little that I know of your situation and I'm sure there is so much more).

wow....i had to re-read to make sure i got all that....what a horrific evening you must be having ((((deetah))). And what a struggle to detach from
like i keep hearing, you didn't cause it, can't cure it, can;t control it.

Oh you are sooooo right Mega, I hope that the friend can find him. I don't think I could live with myself if he hurt someone on the road knowing that I could have done something about it. Atleast now, if our friend finds him and can't, for whatever reason stop him, I know I atleast tried and can wash my hands of it.

I understand your concern. Please remember that those things are truly out of our hands though. I really am a subscriber to the "there are no accidents" philosophy. If something is meant to happen, I really believe it will. The purpose of it may not be clear at the time and may even be hard to swallow, but I think everything has a reason behind it. Using that philosophy, think of it this way...

Friend may try to call him.
AH searches for the cell while driving.
It distracts him, he's drunk, he hits someone.

That could happen just as easily as him hitting someone under another circumstance. We cannot use our crystal ball too much b/c life is what happens while you're making other plans. I know your intentions are good though sweetie and I'm not arguing with that at all. Just shedding a different perspective on it. I just want you to take good care of you. :)

Yep and your right about that too, but I wouldn't be able to sleep on no action. I have left it as it is now. He sent me a text on my cell "I'm getting sooo jacked." I did not respond. I guess in a way I hope that he does get pulled over. He would lose his job and so on and so forth but as we are learning even that may not be his bottom. As far as it goes know, whatever will be will be. Sigh*

Yes Deettah- you did what made YOU feel better and that is the important thing. It is amazing to me how little regard for themselves they have. How can they possibly love anyone or anything else??? I think you did well by not responding to the text. He wants you to respond. It's part of the cycle and part of the addiction dance.

I just heard my AH tonight say to his friend how he "would drink liquor again if it were the 'right' occassion." That is what landed him in jail and the ER for crying out loud. Some people don't have a bottom. It's sad, but very true.

hang in there deettah

I got the feeling that he was trying to provoke me into calling the police or a fight so he would have "another reason", I tried my damndest not to feed into that. Don't know if I did what was right or not. Only time will tell. Thanks for listening Mega, You are soo wise. HUGS to you!

i've gone thru that "fight" so that Kathy has had a "reason" to use
and i realize that it is hard and must be hard for you as well deettah
but sounds to me like you are doing right and fighting the good fight

Hugs to you too honey and try your best to get some rest. I know it's hard. Not sure how "wise" I am b/c my life's a mess right now too. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but as I think Minnie mentioned once before- I hope it's not a train LOL!!!

Take good care of yourself and don't beat yourself up over all this. Tomorrow (today actually) is a new day. The sun will come up just as it always does and you can start anew. Or as Walt Whitman would say, "the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse!"

Goodnight and I'll check in tomorrow.

If anyone ever shows up at your door to tell you one your son was killed by a drunk driver and you found out someone could have intervened and didn't, what would you do and how would you feel? I think the answer to your question is this, by letting him drive off drunk, you would have to accept that your child died when they didn't have to. Everytime they drive off drunk and you do nothing, you made the choice to protect the drunk driver and not the innocent people he may plow into. By not calling the police, that isn't really protecting him either. What if you let him drive off and then get the call he just plowed into a tree or someones house? The right and responsible thing to do is not the easy thing to do.

My only thought is he sure got a lot of attention of his bad behavior. Me, I would have called the police BEFORE going out in the driveway and having a conversation with him.

I would not have involved friends in this situation.

I agree with ASpouse, if he gets lots of attention for his unacceptable behavior he'll like it I hate to say. He'll thrive on the reaction even if it is negative.

Do what you need to do for you.
Ngaire

Hi,

What do you mean by "periodic short relapses"?

Ngaire

Well, that isn't even the half of it folks. Our friend never found him and he came back to my house. I wlaked outside long enough to get the plate number off of the car he was driving and I ran back into the house, locked the door and called the police. All the while I was running back into the house, he ws yelling at me but he was so drunk by that time that I could not understand him. I called 911 and gave the the direction in which he was headed, the make and model of the car and plate # and his name. The dispatcher called for a squad right away and I hear sirens about 5 minutes later so that could have been him. I felt better and I was able to sleep after.

What I mean by short relapses is, we have seperated 5 or 6 times in the year that we have been married and whenever we would seperate he would drink for a day or two during the seperation. When we would reconcile, he would go back to being sober again while still acting the alcoholic.

But if I had not walked over to the car to ask him to turn his stereo down, I would not have known he was drinking.

OMG........I am sorry ,but I read this and laughed. Not at you, your AH, your situation,etc.........because I just for a brief second saw "it".....

Here we are worrying about him,etc.,etc, (translate that MY addiction) and there he is doing the EXACT thing A's do.....in a compact little way..drinks, tries to sweet-talk you into being OK with it, when that doesn't work he rages at you then makes it "your fault";then runs away from you and from taking any responsibility for his actions by drinking some more and on top of that "shows you" by calling you to tell you he is drinking some more !!! hahahaha WHY/how can I possibly think my AH has so much "power" over me when he pulls these same tricks? (Because we care and we are responsible people that don't like to see innocent others harmed). Maybe your AH thinks (hopes) you will storm down there and "save him from himself now that he has given up"...blah,blah,blah. No wonder they are always "stressed"!! all that energy for all that drama.

Sorry you are living with this; I do not mean to make light of this. I know how upsetting it can be but seeing it in someone else helps me "SEE" it when I can't when I am caught-up in all the emotional "stuff" in my own family.

Hugs and prayers to you.

p.s. After I posted this, is saw the continuation of the evening. Glad he is safe and off the streets (in jail) and unable to disturb you anymore tonight. Hope you can get some rest. Sorry you had the turmoil.

Okay well no point wasting energy being surprised or stunned, he's been a binge waiting to happen.

Time to be pro-active and make some decisions for yourself.

Ngaire

It's not your issue or your problem that he was drinking. What purpose did it serve that you know? I believe I know the answer I'm going to get, but I'd like to hear your reasoning for needing to or having to know he was drinking.

Sorry deettah and what drama. IMO, it really is time for you to take the final measures you need to remove yourself permanently from this mess. We all come to our breaking point at our own time. You will know when you've hit yours. This is such a waste of your energy that it's sad.

Judy, I didn't need to know he was drinking. I didn't even suspect it until I walked over to the car and smelled it. I didn't ask him over to the house to check. He just showed up. It did not really serve me any purpose except to finally, FINALLY show me that he was not trying to recover for the right reasons. He was doing it to apease me, not for himself like he should have been. As of Monday I will be finding out what I need to do to file a formal seperation so that I am protected finacially until I can afford to proceed with a divorce. The good news is that I have a couple of job interviews next week and they will pay enough, should I get one of them, that I will be able to catch up on bills and get going with getting on with my life. I totally understand your perspective Judy, but as I said, I wasn't checking up on him, he showed up here and I had no reason to suspect that he had been drinking until he rolled down the window and I smelled it.

Ooooohhh-- good luck on those interviews and I hope you get an offer. :) That would help you so much right now. Sounds like smart plan of action to me. It's always good to financially protect yourself. Stay strong woman!

Update here, I found out from a friend that AH was pulled over in a town 20 miles from here because of my call. AH was given field sobriety and failed. When he was taken in they had him give urine because of the rampant meth problem around here I assume or they suspected more than just alcohol, anyway he passed the urine test. They put him in the sober tank for the night and his parent's bailed him out in the morning. According to the friend, AH doesn't remember much, he has no recollection of coming here a second time, he thinks his memories are all from the first visit even though they are a mix of things from both visits. He was fired from his job and has admitted himself into inpatient treatment. He sent a message to me through the friend that he knows why I called the police and that I did what I had to do and that he understands, he says he thinks he hit his bottom. I didn't feel guilty about it though like I thought I would. I knew he needed to get off of the road for everyone's safety. He told our friend that he thinks he was trying to get me to save him. I know that is true. I almost wish I had but I am glad that I didn't, does that make sense? I ordered the legal separation papers yesterday so that is in process. I feel pretty emotional about all of it and haven't slept much. I am thinking of selling my house and moving away from here. I feel like running away and starting over.

Hang in there Deettah and good job filing those papers. You should never feel guilty about this. In fact, you've just done him the greatest favor of his life if he uses this opportunity to seek recovery and stay on that path. Rescuing does absolutely nothing other than shelter our As from the consequences of their own actions. You're going great. Moving may very well be good for you. Think about YOUR future here first and foremost. It's up to your AH to pave his own way.

I feel like I am in the throes of a codie death grip but I'm trying to pull myself out of it. Thanks Mega for the words of encouragement!

Oh Deettah, I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. Sometimes you have to go through the fire to get to the other side. Congratulations on getting out of the burning building safely. When I think about the possibility of having to leave my AH if he doesn't continue to get better, I comfort myself with the thought that, even though it would be difficult at first, eventually everything would be okay. At least you know everyone is safe and can spend your time being good to yourself instead of worrying about him today.