Divorce
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Just remember the saying about "Expecting the unexpected".
Ah and I had reached an agreement last year and I had the dissolution papers drawn up, we changed a few things at his request and when the papers were ready to be signed - he didn't sign them. I ended up paying for a dissolution that I didn't get.
Currently, I am in the situation of having those papers drawn up again. I don't even think that Ah believes that I have done so - I think he thinks I'm bluffing. So when the time comes that he receives his papers, I know that it is not going to be a good time - for either of us.
I am not saying this will happen to you - only reminding you that we can't always expect someone else to act as they say they will or how we think they will.
Wishing you well with everything.
Ah and I had reached an agreement last year and I had the dissolution papers drawn up, we changed a few things at his request and when the papers were ready to be signed - he didn't sign them. I ended up paying for a dissolution that I didn't get.
Currently, I am in the situation of having those papers drawn up again. I don't even think that Ah believes that I have done so - I think he thinks I'm bluffing. So when the time comes that he receives his papers, I know that it is not going to be a good time - for either of us.
I am not saying this will happen to you - only reminding you that we can't always expect someone else to act as they say they will or how we think they will.
Wishing you well with everything.
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Thank you so much warriorprincess and kari.
Warrior- I'm actually quite happy to hear that you went ahead and filed. You and I began here much about the same time and I remember really relating to your feelings. I know that things have been VERY tough for you and even though it might be hell for you now, I feel that once it is all over, you will be in a much better place. Keep yourself safe and stay strong. It will be hard, but you and me both will get through this. I remember saying to you once how we would get to the finish line if "we had to crawl there." Welp- we're crawling there now!
((Kari))- I'm sorry you are going through so much pain and I wish I could say that coming to a decision was easy. In reflection, I can see how my trust and respect for my AH began eroding very early on into our marriage. He broke what I considered a sacred promise to me (never to do a certain drug again) about 3 months into our marriage. He lied about it, snuck around, withdrew money we barely had at the time and I never would have known about it had I not checked our bank statement. I was high drama over that incident and even screamed to him that things would just never be the same. I could really forsee in that instant that he was NOT the man I thought I married. Of course, that was just the tip of iceburg. For the next 2+ years, I endured emotional abuse and some physical abuse. His drinking really spiraled out of control and I watched him deteriorate into a shell of the man I thought I knew. All the while, his actions consumed me and I tried to everything I thought was within my power to change him for the better. His lies continued and the broken promises continued. Finally, I took my MIL's advice and began detaching myself away from him.
I would separate my from him by retiring to the bedroom alone and watching TV or whatever while he got drunk alone in the other room. This went on for probably 6-8 months and during that time, I felt very alone. It left me with a lot of time to contemplate things. I would naturally think of how I deserved a better life and how our marriage was NOT the type of marriage I could live with for the rest of my life. I would literally fantasize about all the things I would do if I were single. I'd hear him pop open like his 15th beer in the other room and just feel SICK and disgusted. That time really put an ocean of distance between us.
February of this year, after having lived through the hell described above, AH went to the ER for alcohol poisoning. I was so fed up that I let him go alone. I was sick of being there to "pick up the pieces." I thought it was the time for "tough love." When he got out of the hospital the next day, the first thing he asked was if our friend had any beer at his house! He also admitted to having broken ANOTHER promise to me that night and to my SURPRISE, I really felt nothing. I was not angry- for once. I was just rather numb. I knew I was done with it then. I came here during that time and began posting away- all the while thinking of my plan of escape. I waffled in my thinking from time to time (justifying his behavior in my own sick mind and feeling false guilt that kept me feeling "trapped"), but all in all, I worked through those feelings and looked at the reality of my situation. The reality of it could not be justified.
Since posting here and reading and learning about alcoholism/co-dependency, I've realized that my AH will not change and may never change until he is ready. For me to expect him to change for ME is unfair to him. I have choices in life about what I can accept or cannot accept. I can no longer accept living with an active alcoholic period. He is one and may never seek help. That is his choice and I'm making mine. It is the only way for me to be happy and I simply refuse to spend another year of my life running around in the same old circle.
That is my story in a nutshell. I wish you all the best and hope that you find the strength you need to pull yourself up and out of your current situation. It is tough and change if never easy, but then again, nothing worth having is.
Warrior- I'm actually quite happy to hear that you went ahead and filed. You and I began here much about the same time and I remember really relating to your feelings. I know that things have been VERY tough for you and even though it might be hell for you now, I feel that once it is all over, you will be in a much better place. Keep yourself safe and stay strong. It will be hard, but you and me both will get through this. I remember saying to you once how we would get to the finish line if "we had to crawl there." Welp- we're crawling there now!
((Kari))- I'm sorry you are going through so much pain and I wish I could say that coming to a decision was easy. In reflection, I can see how my trust and respect for my AH began eroding very early on into our marriage. He broke what I considered a sacred promise to me (never to do a certain drug again) about 3 months into our marriage. He lied about it, snuck around, withdrew money we barely had at the time and I never would have known about it had I not checked our bank statement. I was high drama over that incident and even screamed to him that things would just never be the same. I could really forsee in that instant that he was NOT the man I thought I married. Of course, that was just the tip of iceburg. For the next 2+ years, I endured emotional abuse and some physical abuse. His drinking really spiraled out of control and I watched him deteriorate into a shell of the man I thought I knew. All the while, his actions consumed me and I tried to everything I thought was within my power to change him for the better. His lies continued and the broken promises continued. Finally, I took my MIL's advice and began detaching myself away from him.
I would separate my from him by retiring to the bedroom alone and watching TV or whatever while he got drunk alone in the other room. This went on for probably 6-8 months and during that time, I felt very alone. It left me with a lot of time to contemplate things. I would naturally think of how I deserved a better life and how our marriage was NOT the type of marriage I could live with for the rest of my life. I would literally fantasize about all the things I would do if I were single. I'd hear him pop open like his 15th beer in the other room and just feel SICK and disgusted. That time really put an ocean of distance between us.
February of this year, after having lived through the hell described above, AH went to the ER for alcohol poisoning. I was so fed up that I let him go alone. I was sick of being there to "pick up the pieces." I thought it was the time for "tough love." When he got out of the hospital the next day, the first thing he asked was if our friend had any beer at his house! He also admitted to having broken ANOTHER promise to me that night and to my SURPRISE, I really felt nothing. I was not angry- for once. I was just rather numb. I knew I was done with it then. I came here during that time and began posting away- all the while thinking of my plan of escape. I waffled in my thinking from time to time (justifying his behavior in my own sick mind and feeling false guilt that kept me feeling "trapped"), but all in all, I worked through those feelings and looked at the reality of my situation. The reality of it could not be justified.
Since posting here and reading and learning about alcoholism/co-dependency, I've realized that my AH will not change and may never change until he is ready. For me to expect him to change for ME is unfair to him. I have choices in life about what I can accept or cannot accept. I can no longer accept living with an active alcoholic period. He is one and may never seek help. That is his choice and I'm making mine. It is the only way for me to be happy and I simply refuse to spend another year of my life running around in the same old circle.
That is my story in a nutshell. I wish you all the best and hope that you find the strength you need to pull yourself up and out of your current situation. It is tough and change if never easy, but then again, nothing worth having is.
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Thank you so much SS. Yes, I have certainly learned not to count my chickens with AH. You really never know what a person will do when faced with the ACTUALITY of something. It is always easy to speculate reactions, but once the chips are actually down, it's a whole other story. I'm ready to fight the good fight if necessary. I will not let him run me over.
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
Well I don't know what to say(once again) I'm to screwed up myself. But Mega, you are awsome and I want you to know I think of you all the time. You always bring me strength, I wish I new how to do that for you.... I wish you were near by I would take you and the cat in.
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
(((Kermie))), you are too kind. I hope things are much better with you too. I know you're having a very tough time right now and if I lived near you, I'd do whatever I could to help you too. We will survive Kermie!!!!
Do the bunny and banana dance with me!!! LOL. Have a great night.
Do the bunny and banana dance with me!!! LOL. Have a great night.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Hi Mega, Kinda a late response but know my thoughts are with u. He is lashing out at u because your leaving and that sad, It can be a reminder of why u want to end the marriage. I would be the same way, take what I love, like the pets and my sentimentals, if it came to that, would tell Burt to shove the rest up his patutee. Disregard my rudeness but I can be stubborn and too proud. If there is such a thing! Can't be easy nontheless, I will say a prayer that this goes smoother than anticipated. Kerry
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Hi Kari,
Sounds like you're standing at the edge of a diving board, and the water looks really far down and choppy. If you stand there long enough, the water may look a little less intimidating, even a little calming. You'll get there.
Why not start your own thread so others can come along and offer insights, support, etc?
hang in,
gf
Sounds like you're standing at the edge of a diving board, and the water looks really far down and choppy. If you stand there long enough, the water may look a little less intimidating, even a little calming. You'll get there.
Why not start your own thread so others can come along and offer insights, support, etc?
hang in,
gf
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: My Own Private Hell
Posts: 25
mega, i remember reading what you wrote about crawling over the finish line, and it made me cry then and now. we don't even "know" each other and what a help you are to me! i don't know how "spiritual" you are, but there is a little prayer that i love:
All shall be well,
and all shall be well, and
all manner of thing shall be well.
—Julian of Norwich
when things are crappy, i just try to be peaceful within myself and realize that this will end, maybe not as quickly as i want, but it will end. i just want to have my own little place, shut the door, and have peace -- not being blamed for all his problems, not being constantly criticized, not being mislead, not being so lonely even when i'm with him. i have great kids, great friends, great family, and i know i can be a lot of fun when i don't have the black cloud over my head. hang in there!
All shall be well,
and all shall be well, and
all manner of thing shall be well.
—Julian of Norwich
when things are crappy, i just try to be peaceful within myself and realize that this will end, maybe not as quickly as i want, but it will end. i just want to have my own little place, shut the door, and have peace -- not being blamed for all his problems, not being constantly criticized, not being mislead, not being so lonely even when i'm with him. i have great kids, great friends, great family, and i know i can be a lot of fun when i don't have the black cloud over my head. hang in there!
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Thank you so much warrior for sharing that beautiful prayer. I cried when I read it and when I read your kind words. I needed to hear that today b/c it has been a rough day for me. I'll have to post a thread tomorrow or something. I'm really tired right now and will not be on today for long.
You hang in there. I'm sure you're loads of fun! You've just had it all sucked out of you for too damned long. I'll be thinking of you and praying for a swift end to all of this for you. ((((((((Warriorprincess)))))))))
You hang in there. I'm sure you're loads of fun! You've just had it all sucked out of you for too damned long. I'll be thinking of you and praying for a swift end to all of this for you. ((((((((Warriorprincess)))))))))
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