email from MIL
 

Hello All, in my last thread I was very sad about my divorce going final on the 7th of June. You guys picked me right back up and I love you for it. Today I rec'd an email from my MIL and in it she went on to blame the kids and I for his Alcohoism....well not totally but basically that what she was doing - here's and example:"There is one area, in which I think you are undermining your own strength, and I think I've mentoned this to you before. For your own happiness and peace, and ability to move on, you've got to remove the "root of bitterness" toward AH and forgive him as much as you are able to do. AH may have had his problems but I'm sure with reflection, you've thought of ways you could have been a more supportive wife too. There always seems to be blame on both sides of a relationship gone bad, whether it's lack of respect, mutual support, other family memebers, the way in which money was spent, ect. I think it will only keep the bitterness alive if you focus on the belief that AH was the whole problem." "For daughter and son - this is so important for their own mental health and future relationships - they really need to know - from you- that their father, as well as their mother, loves them. if you are able to do it, it needs to be explained to them that the problems and development of all that has happened causing the marital breakup, is between you and AH, and they are only suffering the consequesnces. Because individual relationships abd personalities always affect the whole family, it might be helpful for them to acknowledge that their behavior at times might have exasperated the situation, given their ages and how teenagers and young adults are wont to react, if you know what I mean."

What the heck is this you guys!!!! AH husband leaves the kids and I high and dry - no money- no explanation - saying to us that he will have us ALL thrown out on the streets and starve us out......this he said to us and she thinks he walks on water!!!! Then he has a year long affair with the county hooch - lives with her for 9 months and now MIL says he quit drinking and loves the kids?????? Bullshirt. Have I missed something? I wrote a reply but has not sent it because it's loaded with things like: You're more codependent that I am...We have taken him back 8 times how dare you blame us for his affair and alcoholism...ect...
The final hearing is in a couple of days now and I'm still tore up from the floor up - should I not even respond to this until after the hearing. By the way the kids would kill me if I were to tell her where they are. They swore me to secrecy....HELP

I think I would let it go. She said her piece. With what I've been through, I don't feel I need to justify my actions to anyone any more. If you can be comfortable with not responding . . .

If you think you should respond, what do you think requires responding? Would you just be defending yourself? No need to do that, either. You're moving on.

Take a deep breath Janit and let it roll off your back! God I know it's hard, but it's almost over now.

Blame is useless .... you will never make her see it the way it truly is and he is her son, she will love him always and probably never see his faults.

You can write her back and say nicely that you appreciate her insight and obvious caring and thank her for taking the time to put her thoughts in writing to you. You might also add that you'll ask the kids call her as soon as things settle down.

Stop the cycle Janit, only you can do it at this stage of the game. You can take the bait, or decide you're simply not into that sort of bait anymore!

My AH and I are still together but I haven't had any contact with MIL in many years and don't ever intend to. She has nothing to do with my children either. My advice would be to not respond at all.

With a final divorce pending, personally, I wouldn't put ANYTHING in writing to her or anyone else for that matter, as it could be used against you somehow. Stranger things have been known to happen.

Your MIL said her peace. Who knows what info. she's been fed! Plus, she probably put her own spin on things for her own purposes (meaning in defense of her son, not wanting to acknowledge the depth of her son's problems, maybe her feeling his problems are a reflection on her, etc.).

Vent away all you want here, where it is safe, hopefully! For now at least, hold off in responding to her in any way. Just my 2 cents.

I am sorry......I heard some of this BS from some of our relatives on both sides (usually those who like their drink, for what that is worth) and even from a marriage counselor......basically, sure he might drink too much and have anger issues,etc. but you and the kids cause him stress----------hello! Sad; really it is but a lot of it is ignorance about alcoholism and the saddest part is that it just protects the illness as the family is ripped apart further. (our circumstances are similar and how "stress" would make any of it acceptable is completely beyond reason. It has been "stressful" for me and the kids with him gone,verbal abuse, spending time with another woman, etc.,etc.......I am sure you have found that to be true,also! :) )

Sending you a big hug and I will keep you all in my prayers.

My FIL is coming around to see that there is a problem as I have kept my hands off things more and more and let AH deal for himself. Our kids have spoken and will not get drawn into believing what they know is not true. We don't argue about it nor rarely discuss it except that I have told them that I am very sorry that this is happening, that I still love their son/brother but he is sick. SIL and FIL and I keep in contact (esp. regarding kids; we have been family for 30 yrs) it is sad for all of us. Save your breath and don't argue with them. I was able at one time to discuss this with FIL and kids (THEY voiced their concerns)

okay I won't respond but my gosh it's hard to resist the temptation....I think you guys are right and I was raised to believe that if you haven't got anything nice to say then don't say anything at all...what a slap in the face tho. I love you guys. THANK YOU. What should I do if she sends me anymore? Still go NC?

No communication and live your life well, 'cause livin' well is the best revenge:)

Well alrighty then......

Pick - Man you have been through it haven't you? I think I will follow your lead as well as everyone's lead on this one. You're right maybe in time the KIDS themselves will have their own version of what their father has done - out of the mouth of babes.....then maybe then, will MIL have a clue. Thanks for your input it mean't alot to me... HUG

Janet

If she never does Janit, don't be surprised. It doesn't matter anyway. What matters is that you are moving forward and will be all the better for doing so. I agree that living sweetly is the best revenge. ;)

Thanks Meg ((hug))

Okay, I am going to be the bad guy here, but she makes a point about forgiveness. You may not be ready to go there yet, but your children will benefit from it. He may not deserve your respect, or your love, but everyone deserves forgiveness. I am not saying you should respond to your MIL, but at some point, you may want to consider where she is coming from. You will only enhance your children's agony over the situation if you cannot forgive. They will feel a need to "take sides" and that only perpetuates the unfortunate circumstances. I believe she means well. Only you can know for sure.

L

Janit - In Alanon they tell me, "What other people think of me is none of my business."

I like that one.

She does not define you. Her opinion is just that... her opinion. In Alanon I am learning that I cannot control people, places or things... and in trying to do so, my life became unmanageable. She is a people you can't control... including changing her mind or getting her to believe "truth".

I am sorry she is trying to inflict this pain on you.. but just because someone is pitching, doesn't mean you have to catch. Delete her email and your response... I bet you will feel LOTS better.

oh boy,, I so totally agree with Big Sis. In fact one of my first thoughts when I read your original post was that one thing I love about email is I can look who sent it and hit delete.
Be kind to yourself, don't read things that are upsetting, confusing or hurtful to you. Save yourself the grief....step out of the way.
Give it time, things sort themselves out and come out in the wash.
The kids grow up and they are able to see the truth. My daughter was horribly brainwashed towards me.....it took time, but she doesn't have any illusions about it now. And she is doing great.
All you need to do is the next right thing. And take safe, gentle, good care of yourself and your kids.
The fact that they don't want to see her speaks volumes.

LTD, I had thought when I read the first quote. (I have some difficulty with the last part of the second one, mind.)

It does take two to make (or break) a relationship and there isn't much peace to be had without forgiveness. You didn't have to take him back 8 times - that was your decision. I've realised that the more I look at situations and own my part in them, the less forgiveness of other people I have to achieve. At one time, I blamed everything on my ex. Now I see that I contributed to my own unhappiness in (at least) equal measure.

That said, the standard business response of "I thank you for your letter dated xxxx, the contents of which have been noted" might be well borne in mind in this case. (not to write exactly, of course!) Anything else could be used against you (as already mentioned) and/or create unnecessary drama.

What support have you got for yourself through this difficult time?

Minnie, I think we have to get into our own recovery and forgive ourselves first.

When I first came here I was in a big hurry to do the right things and I asked about forgiving him...I was told it was just too soon and in this case, I think the same, it is just too soon.

Things happen in a rather predictable manner and first we feel and work through the anger and hurt.

I don't disagree with you about the timing of forgiveness, live, however the message is still the same - I can only find peace through forgiveness, rather than bitterness. I didn't mean to imply that it should be No 1 on Janit's agenda at all, just that I don't see the blame she see in the email - apart from in the bit about the kids exacerbating the situation. Oh, and the "more supportive wife" bit.

It took ages for me to get my head around forgiveness, until I realised that I am not prepared to be bound to someone forever through thoughts of bitterness and resentment. That forgiveness had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me being able to move into the next stage of my life free from obssessive thoughts and rage. Did I have to forgive myself first? In a sense. Once I understood (and accepted) the reasoning for my behaviour, it helped me to have a glimpse into the "whys" of R's.

okay, so we are on the same page basically. Forgiveness, in time, came to me sort of on its own and naturally, as I recognized how very miserable he and his life was and I had compassion for that. I was able to walk away from it, he still lives it.
Besides...I like the AA slogan about letting people take up space rent free in our head.
And when you get busy living well and recovering, you just don't have the time or inclination to obsess, hold grudges or be bitter..you get too busy living.
Just my 2 cents.

Sometimes Janit, ignoring someone is the quickest way to get them to go away for awhile.