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New here - advice... about mom

Old 06-01-2006, 12:29 PM
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New here - advice... about mom

Hello. I am new here. I am a adult child of an alcoholic mother. She has been an alcoholic my whole life (30 yrs)... but she was a "functional alch." - she was able to care for me and my dad and hold a job. My father also drank. He died about 4 yrs. ago suddenly. Since that time, my mother has had increasing problems w/ her drinking. She is to the point now that she goes on benders for days at a time... She always calls me and blames me for her drinking, refuses to take responsibility, etc. In the past, I have gone to her house and poured out her alcohol and taken away her keys, etc. I have done reading on the subject and see that I was enabling her. I have benn trying to do better w/ that. I try not to talk to her while she is drinking, etc... I have 2 children of my own - a 3 yr old and a 2 month old. My mom has been drunk for 75% of my new baby's life... I can't take all the stress and turmoil her drinking causes... I don't know what to do anymore. I have said enough is enough. A couple weeks ago, she lost her job due to her drinking. She decided to go on a bender b.c of that. She has been drinking for the last 11 days. She called me yesterday and said she wanted me to come over and help her. I told her I couldn't b/c I had my kids w/ me and I wouldn't subject them to that environment... I told her I could call her a cab and take her to a treatment center. She refused unless I took her. I have taken her so many times now, I just said enough is enough... I am the only child so I have no one to help me. She talked her family from out of state into taking her. She is there now - but this last bender has caused me to realize I have to detatch from her for the sake of my sanity, my marriage and my family. Any advice would help me greatly... I really have no one to help me - my husband is fed up w/ her - and me for repeatedly forgiving her and trusting her, only to be hurt again... I hope I am posting in the right place! Thanks.
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Old 06-01-2006, 12:33 PM
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You are and I'm sure many folks here will have some very good sage advice for you.

Al Anon or some sort of recovery support group would be helpful to you right now, but perhaps a therapist to help you sort through it would be helpful also.

Good luck to you.
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Old 06-01-2006, 12:46 PM
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Welcome 23girl. You most certainly are in the right place.

I hear and understand your frustration. It can be so hard at times dealing with a loved one who suffers from alcoholism. But, there's a lot you can do - for YOU!

Read the stickies at the top of the board, maybe give Al-Anon a try, counseling to might be a good idea.

I always like to recommend books by Melody Beattie on codependency...'co-dependent no more' is a good place to start.

In my experience, it takes a lot of research to understand what happens when you are involved with an alcoholic. Knowledge and awareness are key -not to change them, but, to live a better quality of life for yourself.

Keep coming back!
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Old 06-01-2006, 01:11 PM
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Thumbs up AA Help AND UNDERSTANDING

Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

Yes you are in one of the right places. Any place for u to vent and have support to help u is good. We do have lots of good suggestions avialable right here in SR to help u and guide u in the right direction.

Not only have i been in recovery since 8-11-90, but i am also a adult child of an alcoholic mom. One of 4 siblings in my family and the only one who hit bottom and thru family intervention went thru rehab. My family did for me what i couldnt do for myself. And that was to seek the help necessary to get and stay sober. For that im truely grateful.

As a child and 1 of 4 was singles out to endure the physical and verbal abuse at the hands of my sick mom. She had the dr. jeckel/ mr. hyde personality. A lovely attractive lady who worked a good job and was able to be somewhat a mom during the dark periods of my life.

When i got sober i had to learn to forgive the disease of alcoholism that she had and to not hate her for what she did to me.....today i do understand the disease and what kind of a hold it has on people like me. I also still reflect on the pain i endured as a child from the physical abuse. Torture.

I dont think any child should ever have to endure abuse of any kind.

Anyway....i think my moms faith had kept her from going off the deep end. Today she lives in Baton Rouge with my dad for many years and i out of 4 sibling moved to Houston. There has always been a distance between her and i....and because of that i seeked out other women in the past to take her place as my mom. Today i dont need anyone else. I know i still have my own mom and have accepted her as she is.

I commend u for ur strength and awareness of what to do in ur situation. First reaching out for advice or suggestions to better help u out and reading and educationg urself about the disease of alcoholism. I also commend u for the support of husband and the love of ur children.

Today i dont have to blame myself for anything that happened when i was a child. I know i did my best to have everything just PERFECT in her eyes even tho she couldnt see it at the time or even today. I just know what i did even tho it was never good enough for her.

Family intervention for ur mom would be a good suggestion. There is also an AA phone line that u could call where someone is always available to talk to those with problems or who need rides to AA meetings.....Having someone to go pick ur mom up and take her to meetings or do a 12 step call on her.

Anyway....stay strong as u r and stay close as others will be along shortly to share their own experiences, strengths and hope with u.

Thanks for letting me share.
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Old 06-01-2006, 01:19 PM
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Welcome to SR... we are glad you found us.

Im a daughter of an Alcoholic Mother as well, unfortunally she passed on, but the last 10 years of her life we finally came to a place where we could have a relationship... even when she was drinking.

Detaching with love is the only way I got through it. I had to forgive her and accept her for who she was... I know how hard that is but to be honest the forgiveness is for you.. not her. Then you need to figure out what boundries you need to set in place for you and your family. If not talking with her when she is drinking is one of them.... tell her what that boundry is and stick too it. When she calls do not pick up, call her back in the morning when she is likely to be sober... etc.

I know its hard, I also suggest Al-anon, theraphy, SR.... I use all of these and because Al-anon has a support group with other people that REALLY understand what Im dealing with and the emotions that go with it ... I have found for me that helps ALOT.

I look forward to getting to know you... keep coming back and realize your not alone.
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Old 06-01-2006, 05:25 PM
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Welcome 23grl

Yes, you are definitely in the right place. Lots of good advice already given. Keep posting. It will help you to get some of this out after dealing with it by yourself for so long. Everyone here understands the pain you are in. It is very difficult to love an alcoholic and watch them slowly destroy themselves.

I'm not sure I understood something in your thread - have you taken her many times to a treatment center?
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Old 06-01-2006, 05:27 PM
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I'm new here, too - congrats on just signing up. My mom was also an alcoholic, and I think it's the hardest thing to realize that you can't help them until they decide they need help. And that doesn't mean that they call you for help to get up or get dressed, but help to stop drinking.

Until that call comes, please don't feel bad about doing what you need to do for you and for your children. If you teach them to stop everything to help an alcoholic, they'll continue the pattern, and I'm guessing that you don't want that.

Good luck - you're in our thoughts and prayers.
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Old 06-01-2006, 06:48 PM
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Originally Posted by denny57
Welcome 23grl

Yes, you are definitely in the right place. Lots of good advice already given. Keep posting. It will help you to get some of this out after dealing with it by yourself for so long. Everyone here understands the pain you are in. It is very difficult to love an alcoholic and watch them slowly destroy themselves.

I'm not sure I understood something in your thread - have you taken her many times to a treatment center?
Yes, unfortunately, I have taken her 4 times. She is really into it while she is there, but as soon as she gets home, she thinks she is fine to "just have one"... which now, leads to days and days of drinking!

I just don't know how to detach... she is still my mother and a wonderful person when not drinking... but, it's like a jeckyl and hyde w/ her... everyday is up in the air and so unstable that i never know what I will find when I call her.

She is also really involved and loving to my 3 y/o son, when she is sober, but I have seen how bad she gets when drinking, and I almost don't want her around my kids even when she is sober, b/c I have seen how awful and sick she gets and how when she is drinking, she makes very poor decisions!
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Old 06-01-2006, 06:56 PM
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You have a lot on your plate and the emotions are hard to deal with. I know how hard it's been for me with my AH and I don't have children. Do you attend any kind of support group or individual therapy? I can only imagine getting out may be difficult with 2 small children. For me, Al-Anon has been invaluable.

The closest experience I've had to what you're going through is my aunt, who lived next door. After my uncle died, her drinking became very problematic and her kids, my four cousins, finally did sit down with her and let her know they could no longer leave their children with her. It broke her heart; unfortunately it was not enough to change her drinking.

Someone suggested an intervention; have you thought about doing that?
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Old 06-01-2006, 07:02 PM
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Originally Posted by denny57
You have a lot on your plate and the emotions are hard to deal with. I know how hard it's been for me with my AH and I don't have children. Do you attend any kind of support group or individual therapy? I can only imagine getting out may be difficult with 2 small children. For me, Al-Anon has been invaluable.

The closest experience I've had to what you're going through is my aunt, who lived next door. After my uncle died, her drinking became very problematic and her kids, my four cousins, finally did sit down with her and let her know they could no longer leave their children with her. It broke her heart; unfortunately it was not enough to change her drinking.

Someone suggested an intervention; have you thought about doing that?
That has been done too. Her two sisters and her mother and I have all faced her about it. It seems like she knows she has a problem, will say she is working on it... a few days will pass and she does it again... She did 90 meetings in 90 days and was working w/ a sponsor - but then she decided that she was "too good" for AA and didn't want the commitment of the meetings... she always finds excuses of why she can't do something to get better.

I have never been to an Al-anon meeting... what are they like?

I know she will be calling me from the treatment center, wanting everything to be fine between us, but I am at the point where I don't have the strength or energy to go on like this. She always says she is my mom and she took care of me for 30 years and I should be more tolerant and take care of her... but I don't feel like that is my job... am I wrong?
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Old 06-01-2006, 07:08 PM
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Originally Posted by 23girl
I have never been to an Al-anon meeting... what are they like?

She always says she is my mom and she took care of me for 30 years and I should be more tolerant and take care of her... but I don't feel like that is my job... am I wrong?
I feel like were having a private chat here :-)

There's a sticky at the top of the forum that talks about what goes on at Al-Anon meetings. I recommend them because they work for me. It's suggested you try 6 before making up your mind, and that was true in my case. I have found it so helpful to have face to face interaction with people who understand what is happening in my life.

Are you wrong? No, I don't think so. Like all of us, your mom has to take care of herself, first. I've learned there is a huge difference between caring and taking care of, especially where an addiction is involved.

I'm sure other posters will be along who have been in your situation. I've seen quite a few here who have dealt with alcoholic parents. Keep posting and remember to take care of yourself.
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Old 06-01-2006, 07:23 PM
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I already feel better having found this board. I will try to visit often. Thanks for all the advice denny57!
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