greenapplecider

ok well Kathy (drug addict, alcoholic)and I had been having a good day, great in fact
until her sister called and spent about an hour jumping all over Kathy about her drug addiction, and how Kathy will never recover or quit drugs, and she is just trying to fool everyone etc. So Kathy was really hurt and upset by what was said by her sister. Well then Kathy invited me over to spend time tonight while she cleans house to get it ready for a surprise showing (it s for sale) at noon wednesday, well i had planned to go, and then after she got here i changed my mind and did not go. Well she has been upset and rampaging since, sending me texts that i made her feel so stupid and humiliated, etc. i ve tried offering to go there and help and she says NO.
i tried sending :i love you: and she sends back "whatever"

help? is this addict behavior? what do i do?

best

Kathy has some things she needs learn.

Her sister has lost trust in her I would think and her sister is talking from past experiences. Kathy will need allow time to "gain" back the trust she has lost. Earn it back with time and proper behavior...either that or she can continue walking about with attitude.

best

Does she work a program? If so, she will learn the lessons over time. If not working a program...she may hold her attitude for a bit, till she learns the hard way and seeks change.

greenapplecider

and the behavior with me?

greenapplecider

yep she is in na and aa
and outpatient treatment

best

The behavior with you is attitude and a sounding off at someone she feels she can sound off safely at. Those who are close get the most.
Guess you could look at it as her feelings and emotions towards her sister's comments are showing with her actions towards you.
A issue she will learn to control over time with AA and NA "if" she works the program.

greenapplecider

sorry about that "thank you" thing i did not know what it did....

as for her, well she was texting me that i made her feel so stupid and humiliated and "don't ever humilate me like that again"...

best

Unless you did something wrong, I would say it is her sounding off because of her own shame, guilt, or hurt. You just happen to be the sounding board.

minnie

I believe that we teach others how to treat us. How do you think you might be doing that?

greenapplecider

all i did was change my mind about going to her house after she had come here to pick me up. i saw she was upset and apologized and she said i wish you d have told me before i came over here to get you that you weren t coming.

so bascially all i did was change my mind

minnie

If this behaviour is unacceptable to you, then even responding to it is giving her validation that it is OK. Have you tried switching off your phone and giving her time to calm down?

My ex would vent all his frustrations at me and I used to get sooo upset about it. Then I realised that I could either be a doormat and take it, or be good to myself and take myself out of the equation by switching off my phone, leaving the room/house, hanging up the phone when he started etc etc. When I wasn't available to vent at, he stopped. Well, he stopped it with me anyway.

Kathy has to learn that there are other ways of dealing with her anger and frustration. If you cut off one of the ways to do it, then she will be forced to find another, such as sharing at a meeting, calling her sponsor etc etc.

greenapplecider

yea my phone is off....for awhile she had not said anything and i had not responded but then she asked if i was ignoring her
i called and left message explaining i didnt mean to hurt her and was sorry that i upset her, gave my reasons for changing my mind, offered to go help clean and she texted back "no"
so there have been no messages from me to her or her to me since.
i know she was exhausted from barely sleeping last night and she DID say when she and i were still in car before i got out that she was upset but would get over it.

thoughts?

ty for all responses!

reader

Hi there, well we can look at this from 2 points of view. Kathy may have been miffed that u didn't let her know before she came out to pick u up that u had changed ur mind about getting together and/or maybe she was disappointed u weren't able to get together. Yes, she could have handled it better but she was upset with her sister and snapped at u. We have all done that sort of thing at some point in our lives. I personally would turn my phone on, I feel strongly about game playing in a relationship. I would just tell her she hurt your feelings/or was out of line by snapping at u. If u really love her understand that we all have off days/ make mistakes. Just in the future, by words and actions make it clear that u want to be treated with respect. Just some thoughts!! Kerry

denny57

My impression is greenapple is trying to teach her some of them and the methods aren't working. IMO I see manipulation all over this and it isn't from Kathy.

greenapplecider

I am manipulating her how?
Because I changed my mind and then spent the better part of 2 hours trying to calm her down and talk and apologize for upsetting her?

best

need to remember..this is the internet and our emotions and intent of our words may not be read by all as intended. You would know if it was manipulation or not. Boundries are what we want.

The difference between a boundry and manipulation are the intended outcome.
If your stating you didn't want to go with her was done to change her behavior...that would be a form of manipulation.
If you stated you didn't want to go because you didn't want to be around a person with a poor attitude...that would be a boundry


No matter what we do, we can't change other people. If we try doing so, we only get both upset.
Boundries are things we set for our own peace not something we do to try and change others. Above I stated that "she" will learn as "she" works her recovery program. She is the one who needs do it, we can't do it for her.

greenapplecider

the reason i didn't go had nothing to do with her behavior or trying to teach her anything.
She and i had both had long days, and a relative of hers was on the way to her house (relative and i do not get along) and i told her that in the voice mail that it would be less stress on all of us if i did not go last night
and that i was sorry that i hurt her....i offered numerous times to go there on bike to help her and she said no.

this morning a bit ago she did send a text saying " sorry i was so hard on you last night".

but no i did nothing to manipulate or anything, i just changed my mind when she got here and said "so and so" is on there way to the house also.

best

Don't need justify anything for me. I am just trying to share what I know and hope that others find understanding.

greenapplecider

i appreciate that best...

i texted back "hi" but no response since...

was nice to get the "i m sorry i was so hard on you last night" text from her though.

Minx1969

I just posted this in a new thread but I think it is very relevant for you here.

"this I learned in Al-Anon", says a member at a meeting, "that the man I married cannot be the source of my happiness or sorrow. The gift of life is personally mine - as his life belongs to him - to enjoy or destry, as each of us wishes.



I see him angry. Must I be? he is hostile. Must I be? Am I being faithless to my marriage vows when I achieve a bit of self-confidence while he continues so suffer the pains of self-doubt?



I am not his guide, master or keeper. We are individuals and just each find our lonely way to our goals. My sources of comfort and strength he refuses to share with me; I have learned through bitter experience that it is fruitless to offer them. "



Today's Reminder:



Adusting myself to things as they are, and being able to love without trying to interfere with or control anyone else, however close to me - that is what I search for and can find in Al-Anon. The learning is sometimes painful; the rewards is life itself - rich, full and serene.



"if thou attend to thyself and to God, thou wilt be little moved by what thou perceivest outside thee." (Thomas A'Kempis)


Stop trying to manipulate/control her responses by contacting her so much.

if she wants to talk to you - she'll text or call..

1 time - otherwise you are trying to control/manipulate the situation...