I'm so hurt right now over the xbf
 

I am so hurt right now. I have been crying all night over a damn alcoholic – my xbf. He called me yesterday and verified that he did indeed go on a date, he gave me the girls number to call to show that nothing happened. I called her. She said yes, he took her to dinner, but she thinks he is a weirdo. She said he was staggering drunk at the restaurant, that he told her he lives in PA, but is down here working, that he just got a divorce. She said he kept trying to kiss her and hold her hand, that he asked her to move in together. She’s like, I only knew him a few hours and he wants to live together. He has been on a drinking binge. He got kicked out of the hotel he was staying at for not paying. His boss said he hasn’t worked in days. Yet he kept calling that girl so much that she told him to leave her alone. She said if you talk to him, tell him that I’m back with my boyfriend. I have a friend that goes to the same bar she does. He said she is nothing to look at, is a barfly, mean, nasty drunk, that doesn’t drive due to multiple DWI.

And today, my xbf is in jail. He called me last night, drunk said he was in the hospital but was going to jail after he is released. I confirmed it and today he is in the detention center, $5000 bond on a failure to appear warrant.

My family, friends are beside themselves over my reaction to his date. My sister said he is a loser that is never going to change, that even a barfly doesn’t want him. (but who’s to believe on that one)

This sucks. I’m the one that broke it off with him; I’m the one that told him to find somebody else, that I’ll never go back to him. I feel used, played, that he can move on so quickly – all the while still calling me, begging me back, saying he loves me.

Brdlvr, please step back and read this and see what you are doing to yourself. You ended the relationship yet you are upset that he is moving on (or so he wants you to believe). What is up with that?

I know how upsetting it is when they still contact you and try to draw you into their insanity and what we can do to ourselves with this information. I believe this is a classic case of where "no contact" is best. I had to do this with my ex-ABF because the contact was making ME crazy even though I ended things.

I'm going to suggest to you what was suggested to me both on this board and the AA board when I saw that I was getting a huge resentment over all this. Change your phone number, if it is at work, get IT to change your extension, block e-mails and any other method of contact that he has. It will drive you crazy in the beginning wondering "what you are missing" but the peacefulness will quickly come I promise when you remove yourself from the insanity of others.

Above all, please take care of you in all this. You are putting yourself through a lot of stress by taking his calls and then expending the energy to check out the gory details of HIS life. Who cares if he goes out on a date with a barfly who doesn't even want him. Just be glad it isn't YOU!!!! Honey, you are worth so much more and deserve so much better.

Hugs,
Kellye

This is a repeat of several of your posts....
When are you finally going to get off that rollercoaster you are on?
I have told you as well as countless others NO CONTACT!
Especially important for you as you take it so hard when you do have
contact.
As Kellye suggested step back and read this post. Read it as many
times neccessary for you to see what we are seeing...

LOL! I know it is nothing to laugh about (I get all twisted-up like this way too often) but when I get on one of my crying jags, that is what my 18y daughter and 24yr old son say to me.........about their father.

Sad thing is, they are correct. As an active A.....he IS a "weirdo" (and some days that description is being very kind). Seems like your xabf is acting a bit "touched" himself!

Hope today is a better day for you.

One thing that helps me when I get to feeling this way is to reread the Getting Them Sober books....really helps me to feel better about myself and get the focus off him and back on me where it belongs. Hugs.

As my sponsor always told me - "you can control the amount of pain you are in"...

so..by talking to your ex, calling the girl, checking up on him - YOU are causing yourself tremendous amounts of pain.

So knock it off..STOP SELF-ABUSING yourself...he's not doing it..you are doing it to yourself.

There is a reason so many of us did not contact - IT WORKS!

are you finally ready to end the pain?

Hello, I am reading that he is your EX, why did u call his date. Even if he said to, why would u want to, it is like pouring salt into a wound. I know you are hurting with this breakup but u need to move on. Try to do something nice for ur self, anything but take his calls and join his alcoholic drama. He is dragging u down and u are letting him. Put yourself first and brainstrom some fun activities that will get u out among the living and u may want to avoid the bars, in case another drunking guy catches your fancy. I hate to come across to strong but this is your life and u deserve real happiness! With Love, Kerry

One other thing that I want to share that I hear at my ladies meetings all the time. The FIRST TIME you are a "victim", ANY TIME AFTER THAT you are a "willing participant" in your own misery.

Enough said.
Kellye

She thinks he is a wierdo and she must think you are even wierder for calling her considering he is your EX.

You are choosing to do this to yourself, he hasn't done anything to you.

NO CONTACT I believe that has been suggested to you over and over.

He is insane and you are just as insane to keep inflicting this on yourself.

Ngaire

I try to keep this as my "motto" when I get to thinking like this. Thanks,Ngaire.

When you are sick and tired of hanging on to this destructive way of life with this man, you can always let go....and find a new way to live.

You will only become emotionally sober when this kind of checking up behavior destroys you....just like the alcoholic will get sober when the drinking destroys them....

Ever try Al anon?

Crikey. If I went on a date with someone and their ex called me up to find out what went on, I think I'd put them in the "weirdo" category.

You know, 2 things spring to my mind immediately. Firstly, that your behaviour hasn't changed at all since you first came here over a year ago. The same thoughts, the same actions. And funnily enough, the same consequences. Secondly, I realise that I don't really know you, which is a real shame. I seem to know quite a lot about your "ex" and his habits, but very little about you as a person. I'd like to get to know YOU some time, but I fear that you aren't really in a place to share that yet.

I've just looked back at your old posts and there seems to be a common theme of you saying that you are going to get help with your own issues in al-anon or aa, but very little follow-up. I hope you are reaching out for help and support, because surely your life is worth more than being on this rollercoaster. Personal growth comes from within, not from focussing on other people/places and things.

I guess only time will help me get out of this mental mess I'm in. Minnie: I go to a few anon meetings, then I think I'm done with him, so I stop going and bam - here I am. I really think I need therapy to find out just why I do what I do and how I must have such low self esteem to be in this relationship. I talked to the boss again - he said my x is stealing from the home depot store. He's been caught by him twice. I just feel like who is this man? I guess a darn good con is what he is.

thanks for your replies.

Erm, why did you talk to his boss? What on earth has it got to do with you?

And you refer to him as your ex, yet in the same post wonder about being "in this relationship". Which is it?

Sweetie, don't give up on the meetings. I still go to one a week even though I split up with my ex in Dec 04. Because they are for me to heal from the damage that was caused a) from being involved in a destructive relationship with an alcoholic and b) my own actions/reactions that led me into that relationship in the beginning. It is only now that I am even considering stopping meetings.

You may or may not know from my previous posts, but my ex could be classed as a "damn good con". But there were 2 people in that relationship and I could have seen the red flags and walked away at any time. The fact that I didn't led me on this voyage of self-discovery and I am forever grateful that al-anon and my former counsellor were available to help me through that. Not to mention SR, of course, and all the wonderful and wise people here.

True peace came to me when I cut all ties and all contact with my ex. Looking back, I can't understand why I thought I could do it any other way.

It's not TIME that is going to get you out of this mental mess your in,it's YOU for gods sake.

You aren't a helpless victim but you are sure putting yourself there.

YOU HAVE CHOICES IF YOU WANT THEM!

Ngaire

I have to agree with this. Time, unlike the popular cliche, does not heal anything. If you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you've always got.

Change is what heals. Not time.

L

Then what's stopping you? Don't you think it's time to stop waisting time, get the help you need, and move forward in you life?

We can't solve your problems or do the work for you. You have to do that.

Wow - pretty bad when even fellow codies tell it like it is (I'm joking -don't get mad) - Where is the "he's a jerk", compassion (again, I'm joking) - I hope to get where you all are someday- I thought I was there - guess not..

No, not joking - just surprised at the "tone'" of the posts. Believe me- my sister and mom are upset at my reaction to him. They say, you are pretty, nice, smart, fun to be around etc, yet why are you even wasting any more time with this this man? They are right - I need to be like Moonstrick movie smack out of it). (I hope I got the quote ok).

Again - thank you for your answers - I will read and understand this time.

I had to learn what mattered is that I needed to get "upset" about my own reaction. Learning why I didn't was a great part of my recovery. The above advice to get help for yourself is valid and good.

I think it's because we have heard the same story over and over from
you with no different outcome...Nothing changes if nothing changes.
You are not going to get a lot of sympathy from older membersbecause
we have heard this from you perhaps once too many.
He is only as big of a jerk as you allow him to be.
If you didn't contact him, take his calls, get in HIS business
you would have no way of knowing what kind of jerk he is.
I am sure your family is upset by your reaction to him, but if
you read what you said they are upset with you.
It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says,
it really is all about you, why can't you get that?