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I'm so hurt right now over the xbf

Old 05-29-2006, 08:21 AM
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I said in a post not too long ago that the value in SR is the (sometimes brutal) honesty. If all I got from this place was "there, there, you poor thing," I would still be stuck existing. I don't want to exist, I want to live.

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Old 05-29-2006, 08:23 AM
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Amen LaTeeDa....
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Old 05-29-2006, 08:41 AM
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At least the monkey's off your back now if you want it that way....
I'd take that as a releif and move on. Just re-read your stuff over and over again until you emotionally get it.. You can be "on your way" with this journey. It is hard but the doors are open for you now.
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Old 05-29-2006, 10:42 AM
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Originally Posted by brdlvr
I really think I need therapy to find out just why I do what I do
Hi brdlvr,
Therapy sounds like a great plan. Like so many others, you're in a form of addiction, except it's to a person, not to a substance. As you're finding, it's really difficult to break and move forward on your own.

Why not make a call today and find out what counselling or therapy resources are available and where you might go (if you don't already have something lined up). You're showing great self-awareness in recognzing that you can't do this alone. Can you take the first step to get some support?
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Old 05-29-2006, 11:43 AM
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I am addicted to alcohol and my xbf. I need both type of meetings and therapy too. I've been drinking all weekend to blot him out of my mind but of course that has only hurt me. He still hasnt' called me from jail which I'm very surprised by that. I am a big mess today and suspect I will be for a while

Thanks again to all of your answers
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Old 05-29-2006, 11:50 AM
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What do you expect from him if he calls you from jail?
Do you think he will ask you to bail him out?
Will you?
I get the feeling from your post that you are just counting the
minutes until he calls. Will you go down to the police station
smelling of alcohol and perhaps join him in the next cell.....
Instead of waiting for a call that can only add more grief,
why don't you see if there is an AA meeting today,
right now for that matter.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself...you can do this.
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Old 05-29-2006, 11:56 AM
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I guess I want to ask him why - why coulnd't he at least try to stop drinking - that was all I asked of him - instead he choose to let his life get further in the gutter and then try to find comfort from some old bar hag. I know he is so gone now - that he is a chronic liar and the rational side of me says it's best that he's not calling, but I feel that if he is in jail he is not drinking so maybe I can get an honest answer out of him. Like I said, my head is so screwed up now - the only good thing is alcohol is the LAST thing I want right now
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Old 05-29-2006, 11:57 AM
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pmaslan's suggestion it great. Find an open AA meeting, doesn't matter if you smell of booze at an AA meeting. Best if you call a taxie or have a friend drive you anywhere today. Pease don't drink and drive.
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Old 05-29-2006, 12:03 PM
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You want him to call so you can ask him why he hasn't stopped drinking?
Are you freakin' kidding me?
How do you expect him to stop when you can't or won't.
I would think that by now you do understand even if you catch him
sober you will not be dealing with someone rational. It takes a very
long time for the mind to dry out and the fog to clear...
You are wasting so much precious time...
Who knows he may have already called someone to pick up...
find a meeting and people that will understand what you are going through.
Today.
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Old 05-29-2006, 12:03 PM
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PS..It would take days for the alcohol to get out of his brain if he is a heavy daily drinker. Whatever he would say now might be BS.
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Old 05-29-2006, 12:29 PM
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I called a gal that I met at one of the meetings (AA). I'm meeting her at one tonight. She said what you all have been saying - that if my xbf is a trigger (excuse) for me to drink - then avoid him.

Patty - you sure do know me LOL - I am counting the minutes until (if) he calls, I called the jail and they said he is in the medical ward now of the jail. I am torturing myself - with visions of this women, of what if he gets sober after I've dumped him etc. Yes, I know it's insane thinking.
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Old 05-29-2006, 12:31 PM
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I know you because I was you......

Don't skip out on that meeting tonight....and avoid him at all costs.
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Old 05-29-2006, 03:27 PM
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You need to get yourself help with Alcohol and then with your co-dependency issues. Alcoholism and co-dependency go hand in hand.

Guaranteed until you deal with your alcoholism your other troubles won't go away.

You are focussing on your EXBF to avoid your own self.

It's easier to focus on why he won't stop drinking rather than your own alcoholism.

Ngaire
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Old 05-29-2006, 05:29 PM
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I just got back from an AA meeting. Have a temp sponsor. But it's like the chicken or the egg. What do I focus on - my dependency on alcohol or my dependency on the X? I think if I wasn't an alcoholic I wouldn't have stayed with him this long. I drink, get depressed, seek him out for comfort - cycle again and again. However, he is too far gone in his disease to be of any help to me - he cannot function for himself at this point. This is hard to accept - reality of who he has become and of what I have to do to save myself. I'm the one that thougt I was doing the right thing by "ending" it with him. Maybe I foolishly thought that if I stay gone long enough - he'll get help. Seems that by me being gone - his drinking got worse very quickly. Sad - for both of us.
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Old 05-29-2006, 05:34 PM
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I can relate to what you are going through. I dated a man who was an alcoholic. He would come and go, come and go. Each time I would torture myself as to why he would leave. Was I not good enough etc. Then I realized it wasn't about me at all, it was about him. I see him now and he is so far gone to his disease. I can not help him. He must help himself. I know things would have never work out with us and have moved on. Ending it was one of the best things I have done.
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Old 05-29-2006, 05:39 PM
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Personally I think you need to focus on your dependency on Alcohol first...

that will kill you quicker then your dependency on your xbf...

Sobriety first..

glad to hear you have a temporary sponsor..that's a good first step.
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Old 05-29-2006, 05:43 PM
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Originally Posted by brdlvr
But it's like the chicken or the egg. What do I focus on - my dependency on alcohol or my dependency on the X?
It's pretty difficult to look at things with clarity (and separate eggs) if your mind and body are influenced by chemicals. Becoming sober is only the first, but essential, step in the much larger recovery of becoming a whole human being -- which will also address any relationship addiction issues. Keep up AA -- the rest will follow.
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Old 05-29-2006, 05:44 PM
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Aww Hun!
Look, in all reality,you have to look after you! Sweetheart, just look in the mirror, and see whats looking back! I bet you see a beautiful class woman who is brilliant! Pet, only you know whats true and right for you, but you will never be alone here! Take care and God Bless! xx
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Old 05-29-2006, 06:43 PM
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One day at a time...

... keep it simple. I know, these things sound almost over-simplistic. But don't you see that you're complicating issues?? Hell, I do this every darn day of my life.

You, my dear soul, are doing the very thing you hate from your ex. You are drowning your emotions in alcohol. Forget the codepency for now. Focus on getting sober. If you do, the answers will come. Go read the Big Book and think about how things that now have you baffled will have simple solutions once you follow the steps.

Alkies oftentimes pick other alkies for partners. Yikes! - what a combination of morbid dependency on people and substances. Listen to your temporary sponsor. Do not attempt sobriety because you think it will (1) get him to see the light; (2) realize the error of his ways; (3) get him sober; or, (4) reunite both of you in forever-bliss.

God gave you this life to live for a reason. Get busy living it. Have enough sense to allow him to live his.
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Old 05-29-2006, 08:30 PM
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Hey Brdlvr, from one alkie to another, your ex is NOT YOUR PROBLEM, your excessive use of alcohol IS YOUR PROBLEM.

You are using the EX to have an excuse NOT TO WORK ON YOU and to keep drinking.

Listen to your Temporary Sponsor. Go to lots of meetings, get the Big Book and read it starting with the 'forwards' and DO NOT SKIP "The Doctor's Opinion."

I was where you are a VERY LONG LONG TIME AGO and I had to go much further down before I finally got sober. You have an excellent opportunity here to help yourself. Please do it.

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),
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