my A received 30 day card last night!!! I went to an open AA meeting last night with my A and he received his 30 day sober card. I am so proud of him. I dont know what i would do without the support from this forum and Al-Anon meetings i go to once a week along with my daily readings. He has talked about a sponsor, but i can not push him onward and I know that. Just waiting patiently for him to reach out for one of those phone numbers.My A wants to marry me. In August. I know that we should not make and drastic moves for about a year after sobriety. I need advise today if anyone would give any. |
I think when you need advice wait. I know when I knew I wanted one person advice would really have been pretty irrelevent, in fact the marriage didn't seem that relevant - it was simply saying openly and publicly what we'd already shared privately, and before we shared it with each other we both already knew our own answers. |
I know what I want , I do want to marry this man, and he has made great progress. I knew when I first met him that he was going to be the one, and he has said the same thing. |
Hi there. Congrats to your A as well as YOU for being so supportive!! Waiting would probably be wise, though for how long would depend on a number of things. I can only speak from my experience - I've been sober almost 6 months, and you can't BELIEVE how much my life has changed (for the better.) BUT, I haven't dated again yet b/c I want to get used to this kind of "being". Does that make sense? When your head is clouded w/ booze/and/or/drugs, I think it's good to take some time to readjust. Just my 2 cents, but you are smart to ask. His sobriety is still 'fresh' - make sure it's solid unless you wanna deal w/ that (the ups and downs of being w/ an alkie), ya know? Hope this helps! DG |
I would wait if I were you. If I may ask, whats the rush? |
You know what settled the alcohol thing for me? I'd have married him if he had alzheimers, a brain tumour or rotting limb disease!! If he turned round tomorrow and told me he wanted a sex change I'd still stay married (as long as he shaved his beard off while wearing skirts!!). It wasn't about what the future would bring, it was about the person who was already my life partner where it matters. |
BTW - I still think if you're asking wait... |
Well, we have been sorta looking to buy a house and rehab, and start a family, we already live together and have been for 9 months now. And want to legalize our relationship. He is 41 and I am 37 neither one us have any children, and the clock is tick tick ticking away. I feel that I am ready for such a commitment, and i believe that he is too. |
Kids is different, it's not in our plans so it was only us we had to think of. Can I ask a question? What if you found out now he couldn't have kids? Would you feel differently? |
In my heart of hearts I believe this is the right thing, but he and I are both in recovery and I do not want to mess that up. |
Originally Posted by needuwell he and I are both in recovery and I do not want to mess that up. I agree with Equus that if you are asking, maybe you should wait. If it really is the right thing, it will still be the right thing at a later date. My two cents. L |
If it really is the right thing, it will still be the right thing at a later date. It's true - love is very tough and enduring, but you have to marry the person (I think) not the thought of marriage or the future. |
Is this a warning??? h |
Is this a warning?? I am confused now Jen |
When he gets a sponser, the sponser might tell him to not make any changes for a year. I believe this is a good idea, as if there is a slip or relaps it is best no one is saying anything, so he can think it through. I also believe that there are people like equus and D , they I believe are exceptions. If I remember correctly D had been fighting for sobriety before they got back together. Has your A tried befor?? Most, (not all) have a terrible time staying sober, many have extreme anxiety and depression, then there is anger because they cannot be a social drinker, can never again have their pain killer, their anti-anxiety pill, and a way to relax, the withdrawal makes them badly need something to relax. In some cases everything that is said is wrong. If we say Good Morning, we are too cheerful. This just my opinion from going to lots of AA and Al-Anon meetings, reading the AA Grapevine every month etc.etc. Sobriety is difficult, that is why so few make it. My pet peeve is anyone useing the word should. "You SHOULD do this" "You BETTER do this or that" "You NEED to". Many say these words in a loving and careing voice, but that doesn't help with me. Sorry to tell you all this , it is your life, and anything I write is suggestions only, each person is different and each relationship is different. I am wishing the best for you both. hugs |
He has never tried to get help, b/c he never wanted or felt the need to. |
I also believe that there are people like equus and D , they I believe are exceptions. If I remember correctly D had been fighting for sobriety before they got back together. Now things are very good, the fighter he had proved to be long before his return has fought through. I have lovely hopes for the future - they are hopes, just hopes and I feel lucky for knowing that because each day matters SO MUCH. |
Hi Needuwell and congrats on his progress! That is wonderful :). As far as my opinion on getting married in August... In my heart of hearts I believe this is the right thing, but he and I are both in recovery and I do not want to mess that up. |
Thank you all for your cents (sense) all is appreciated. I already knew what I was going to do, just wanted opinions, thanks !! |
equus, are you saying you married for better or worse??? Did you know in your sub-consious that no one could ever replace him.?? You really did the right things with D, I was always impressed. Seems you did not need or try to change him, that is the greatest thing one person can do for another. |
needuwell.. OK I am curious, what did you know you were going to do? |
Um, hate to be a downer, but am I the only person who thinks that marrying him with 30 days, and only 9 months of a relationship is a trainwreck waiting to happen? |
Nope-- you're not a "downer" Sarah. That's why I told her to listen to her "but." She should not rush into that IMO. They need to both give it PLENTY of time to develop. |
needuwell, you have two identical posts here on SR. Maybe I could sggest you go to the other one and direct them to this one Like see Post with 23 replys. |
Originally Posted by elizabeth1979 Um, hate to be a downer, but am I the only person who thinks that marrying him with 30 days, and only 9 months of a relationship is a trainwreck waiting to happen? Nope, I think so, too. Total trainwreck, but if she already knows what she's going to do, then what we've suggested has been in vain, ya know? |
I don't think any wisdom that is posted on this board is in vain. I lurked here for a good 3 or 4 months before I even signed up to post. I remember reading quite a bit of helpful ESH that made a real difference for me even when the original poster didn't take it to heart. L |
I stopped counting at 10 red flags. Maybe I'm just tired and hypersensitive. Have you got a sponsor, needuwell? If not, perhaps you could look into getting one instead of "patiently waiting" for your OH to do so. If in doubt, wait. That advice has stood me in good stead. |
I think one determining factor is to give thought to the vows of the institution of marriage. Love and marriage are conditional to the vows being kept. If they aren't, it makes a mockery of a holy institution, and that won't be blessed. Sometimes people stand there take the vows and then can't figure out why their marriage isn't belssed. There are civil ceremonies where you make a deal. I feel very strongly that if you will be marriaed in a church that invites Gods blessings on the union, you must include Him everyday. We keep the vows we speak, but we have juist as much right to depend on the words spoken to us. I have come to this conclusion after years of being married to an alcoholic. I feel that my own marriage is a reflection of my love of God and the holy institution of marriage. I won't alledge to love God, honor marriage and live with someone who doesn't. No one is locked into a one sided marriage, it honors no one and insults God. It is no honor to God or yourself to remain in a relationship that would reduce the esteemed role of "wife " to less than a bottle of beer. We have to expect a persons best if they stand at the alter with us, not settle for the least and hope for the best. We really have to demand it. If I give my lifes focus to a man, I expect to be his lifes focus. That is not to the exclusion of everything else but that life needs to reflect who I am jioned with this man. It is a serious decision. I would get engaged and marry after one year of sobriety. |
Engagement takes your lives in a mutual direction, after a year of sobriety , you can see how your life is whle both of you are headed in the same direction. If your intention if to marry, is he living up to that commitment? Is he able to keep the vows? |
That is great that he got his chip!!! I would take things very slowly. A month is very little in the large picture of soberity. My H relapsed after a month or more, not that he will but it can happen. I had children a little later in life and I can tell u no matter how well we plan nothing can stress a person and a relationship like the addition of a child. I would wait a while if I was u,time is on ur side, women have children well into their 40's. Tell ur bf congrads from me!!!! |
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