An Introduction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 2
An Introduction
A friend and member of my mother's AA group talked to me today about going to Al-anon meetings. I wasn't too receptive as I feel like I have other more pressing problems, but I've come here as a first stop for some support.
My mother is an alcoholic who tries to please everybody but herself. My father is an emotionally abusive "dry alcoholic" and a compulsive eater. My brother is a heavy "weekend/social" drinker with a computer game addiction. I'm in my mid twenties and have plenty of issues of my own, though no substance abuse at this time. As a family we're in debt and all living together in a house with a mortgage that's well beyond our means. We're also out-of-status immigrants, the kind referred to as illegal on the news. We didn't sneak across any borders though - our green card applications stalled after living here legally for almost ten years, and we've now lived here for about fifteen.
As you might guess my family situation isn't in any way healthy. I put off the immigration worries long enough to get an education. I was blind to most of my family's problem's because I was away at school - supported financially by my parents. When the money got tight I moved back home to help with the business and things started unravelling. I saw how often dad would scream and yell. I saw how mom would drink. The more I pay attention the more I see how unsupportive my father is of my mother's problems, and how out of touch with reality he is in regards to his own.
My father kept promising to fix the immigration situation through the business, but I found out from our lawyer that this is highly unrealistic. I've made up my mind to leave the country and move back to Europe (where we moved from) so I can get my career started, but having been here out of status for over a year means I would be barred from reentry for 10 years, so I've kept procrastinating. My father and brother don't even consider leaving a possibility, so if I did leave that'd mean I'd be separated from my friends and family for a long time. I've accepted this fact and made preparations to leave, even though it won't be easy.
Unfortunately I've convinced myself that I've waited so long that a few more months won't hurt. A few more months of what? If I leave now and Congress decides to grant some sort of reprieve to out of status immigrants then I will have missed the boat. I'll be unable to return to the states to see friends and family or to travel on business for a whole decade. The alternative is sitting through this highly dysfunctional situation where half the family isn't talking to each other. I have no if things will turn out favorably in Congress, when that might happen, or given the lethargy of the INS how long I'd have to wait for legal status once it does. (I'm not even worried about staying anymore, though that'd be nice, all I'm really concerned about is avoiding the bar on reentry.)
On top of this I'm worried about my Mom. She's said she's ready to leave my dad and move back to Europe without him. She's been working on ignoring his abusive threats and innuendo, but she still drinks. I'm worried what might happen to her if I leave. I'm worried that if she leaves when I leave she'll continue drinking because of other problems. Instead of excessive unpaid bills and an emotionally abusive husband she'll have to deal with a lost marriage, being alone, and supporting herself for the first time in her life with no money in the bank and at an age when finding a job back in Europe isn't exactly a rosy proposition. I'm worried that if I don't leave soon enough she'll continue bearing the brunt of the emotional problems around here and worsen her condition.
Our friend who recommended I attend Al-anon said she thinks my mother needs rehab and a shrink. I'd love for that to happen, but my father wouldn't support it because it makes him feel threatened. Of course there isn't money around for either, and if I left to get a job it'd take a while to save up for it, nevermind that I feel obligated to pay off debt my parents have accumulated with the rest of my mother's family.
Well, I've written enough - sorry for rambling. I guess this whole thing seems very much like a no win situation. Maybe people around here know of ways to cope with those.
My mother is an alcoholic who tries to please everybody but herself. My father is an emotionally abusive "dry alcoholic" and a compulsive eater. My brother is a heavy "weekend/social" drinker with a computer game addiction. I'm in my mid twenties and have plenty of issues of my own, though no substance abuse at this time. As a family we're in debt and all living together in a house with a mortgage that's well beyond our means. We're also out-of-status immigrants, the kind referred to as illegal on the news. We didn't sneak across any borders though - our green card applications stalled after living here legally for almost ten years, and we've now lived here for about fifteen.
As you might guess my family situation isn't in any way healthy. I put off the immigration worries long enough to get an education. I was blind to most of my family's problem's because I was away at school - supported financially by my parents. When the money got tight I moved back home to help with the business and things started unravelling. I saw how often dad would scream and yell. I saw how mom would drink. The more I pay attention the more I see how unsupportive my father is of my mother's problems, and how out of touch with reality he is in regards to his own.
My father kept promising to fix the immigration situation through the business, but I found out from our lawyer that this is highly unrealistic. I've made up my mind to leave the country and move back to Europe (where we moved from) so I can get my career started, but having been here out of status for over a year means I would be barred from reentry for 10 years, so I've kept procrastinating. My father and brother don't even consider leaving a possibility, so if I did leave that'd mean I'd be separated from my friends and family for a long time. I've accepted this fact and made preparations to leave, even though it won't be easy.
Unfortunately I've convinced myself that I've waited so long that a few more months won't hurt. A few more months of what? If I leave now and Congress decides to grant some sort of reprieve to out of status immigrants then I will have missed the boat. I'll be unable to return to the states to see friends and family or to travel on business for a whole decade. The alternative is sitting through this highly dysfunctional situation where half the family isn't talking to each other. I have no if things will turn out favorably in Congress, when that might happen, or given the lethargy of the INS how long I'd have to wait for legal status once it does. (I'm not even worried about staying anymore, though that'd be nice, all I'm really concerned about is avoiding the bar on reentry.)
On top of this I'm worried about my Mom. She's said she's ready to leave my dad and move back to Europe without him. She's been working on ignoring his abusive threats and innuendo, but she still drinks. I'm worried what might happen to her if I leave. I'm worried that if she leaves when I leave she'll continue drinking because of other problems. Instead of excessive unpaid bills and an emotionally abusive husband she'll have to deal with a lost marriage, being alone, and supporting herself for the first time in her life with no money in the bank and at an age when finding a job back in Europe isn't exactly a rosy proposition. I'm worried that if I don't leave soon enough she'll continue bearing the brunt of the emotional problems around here and worsen her condition.
Our friend who recommended I attend Al-anon said she thinks my mother needs rehab and a shrink. I'd love for that to happen, but my father wouldn't support it because it makes him feel threatened. Of course there isn't money around for either, and if I left to get a job it'd take a while to save up for it, nevermind that I feel obligated to pay off debt my parents have accumulated with the rest of my mother's family.
Well, I've written enough - sorry for rambling. I guess this whole thing seems very much like a no win situation. Maybe people around here know of ways to cope with those.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Hi there welcome to SR!! I'll skip platitudes and rhetoric - I think you're situation is hard and a real dilema. I guess you need to get to a point where you can be at peace with the decision you make?
I'm a big fan of writing things down when I'm stuck, with what you've described perhaps a list of things you care about including (RIGHTLY) your own life, and then maybe a note about what real influence you have over them and what real difference each side of the decision would make.
It does sound hard, not quick to solve or simple - hang in there and hang in here, we're on your side and listening...
I'm a big fan of writing things down when I'm stuck, with what you've described perhaps a list of things you care about including (RIGHTLY) your own life, and then maybe a note about what real influence you have over them and what real difference each side of the decision would make.
It does sound hard, not quick to solve or simple - hang in there and hang in here, we're on your side and listening...
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
You are in a pickle! Welcom to SR, you have come to the right place fo support! Equus has a great idea about about brainstorming on paper. Your Dad should not be verbally abusing your Mom. Has she always drank or is it a recent thing, does she have family back in Europe inwhich to give her support. Your family really seems willing to help each other financially could you pay them back over time once u get a good job. I don't know what country you come from but my sister has has had many Au-Pairs, from many different european countries and I know the employment situation is rather bleak. This is really a tough situation. Keep coming back for support and do take care of "you". Good Luck, Kerry
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 2
Thank you for the suggestions. I've been making a lot of lists recently, something I never used to do. It's helped me come to the decision to leave. Living here I am without a job, a driver's license, a car, or money. I basically sit around with a roof over my head waiting. Waiting that something might happen with the immigration issue. Waiting that my mom might get better. Waiting for my dad and brother to pull in enough money to keep the bank from foreclosing. I stopped going to work because of the poisonous environment and as a means of pressuring my dad into moving the immigration issue forwards - of course that never happened. It's not like I see a penny for working anyways, so all I would be doing is enabling my dad to continue his irresponsible ways.
My brother is pissed at me for not working. He doesn't really understand that the family business is good for his career and bad for mine (it's in a completely different field.) He has a long term girlfriend who'd marry him for a green card if **** hit the fan, and he doesn't seem to realize that because I don't have the same safety net my priorities are different. We've grown apart a lot over the last few months - he refuses to talk to me because I don't come to work. He is unequivocably on my dad's side and blames my mom for all our problems, which is both irresponsible and unhelpful. I've accepted the fact that if I leave I may not talk to him for a long time. It's actually enabled my decision because leaving him behind was my single biggest fear. Now that I don't have him as a friend while I'm here there's little fear of losing him by leaving.
My mom started abusing alcohol (as far as I know) about ten years ago. It was at a time when my dad withdrew from her and spent a lot of time with his business partner. Everybody in town warned him not to deal with the guy, and this weighed heavily on my mom because dad was pumping money into the business. Lo and behold the business crashed and my dad's partner screwed him. So what did my dad do to help my mom? He changed businesses from real estate to importing alcohol.
I just found out a week ago that my mom tried committing suicide back then, when my dad first started withdrawing. My dad pulled this out as a trump card in a recent screaming match. To my mom in front of me "shut up or I'll tell him everything!" Well I made my mom tell me afterwards anyways so he'd stop using that sort of thing against her. She admitted to taking a bunch of pills while she was home with me and my dad and brother were out of town. I asked her yesterday what dad did afterwards. Did he get her help? Did he take her to a shrink? Did he talk about the problems? Not a thing.
My brother is pissed at me for not working. He doesn't really understand that the family business is good for his career and bad for mine (it's in a completely different field.) He has a long term girlfriend who'd marry him for a green card if **** hit the fan, and he doesn't seem to realize that because I don't have the same safety net my priorities are different. We've grown apart a lot over the last few months - he refuses to talk to me because I don't come to work. He is unequivocably on my dad's side and blames my mom for all our problems, which is both irresponsible and unhelpful. I've accepted the fact that if I leave I may not talk to him for a long time. It's actually enabled my decision because leaving him behind was my single biggest fear. Now that I don't have him as a friend while I'm here there's little fear of losing him by leaving.
My mom started abusing alcohol (as far as I know) about ten years ago. It was at a time when my dad withdrew from her and spent a lot of time with his business partner. Everybody in town warned him not to deal with the guy, and this weighed heavily on my mom because dad was pumping money into the business. Lo and behold the business crashed and my dad's partner screwed him. So what did my dad do to help my mom? He changed businesses from real estate to importing alcohol.
I just found out a week ago that my mom tried committing suicide back then, when my dad first started withdrawing. My dad pulled this out as a trump card in a recent screaming match. To my mom in front of me "shut up or I'll tell him everything!" Well I made my mom tell me afterwards anyways so he'd stop using that sort of thing against her. She admitted to taking a bunch of pills while she was home with me and my dad and brother were out of town. I asked her yesterday what dad did afterwards. Did he get her help? Did he take her to a shrink? Did he talk about the problems? Not a thing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In my own world...
Posts: 444
Welcome Yero. I don't have anything to offer you about your situation. I'm sure someone here will. I'm glad you came though. It sounds like you have a really tough situation. This is a good place to be.
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