brdlvr

Anyhoo, I have been reading alot from newbies. And I'm benefiting from the advice. I sure wish I would have listened.

I’ve seen my xbf 3 times in the last 8 weeks. He still calls every few days and unfortunately, I still take his calls or call him back. He is still drinking the vodka, still living in a little motel that his boss pays for each night when he works that day. He will give him a little extra money for food and that’s it. According to the boss, it seems he is “maintenance drinking” now – drinking to get through the day and then on some days he goes all out and cannot function at all. Or turns all mean when he's coming down. It is at the point where talking to him at all hurts too much. He goes from nice when he’s sober, saying he needs me to be there for him in order to get help, then when drinking he tells me how many women want him, that when he walks down the street ( he has no car or license) girls stop and give him phones numbers or offer him rides. That his ex wife wants him back, He said (while drunk again) that he went on a date, but “felt so guilty” that he only wants me – that the girl picked him up and paid for dinner. Then he won’t call for a few days, then call and act like all is ok. I cannot believe that this is the man that said he would never hurt me. Maybe not him, but the Alcoholic him does nothing but hurt me by his words, actions, lies etc. And by participating in the “dance” I’ve let him hurt me. I’ve hurt him a lot too during our on and off hell of a “relationship” He uses that excuse – “I never left you when you hurt me” “Look what you’ve done to me” My self esteem and respect really took a severe beating since I met him almost 4 long years ago. I see it now. I agree what some of you have said all along – no contact is best. The consequences of even talking to him take too much of a toll on my mental health.

And tonight he leaves a message - "Hi, just checking in, hope you are ok, I love you, I'll call you later or tomorrow" WTF?? Even listening to his messages puts my mind in loop.

ICU

When you're ready, you'll stop taking his calls. The blissful sound of peace and quiet will eventually win out over the sounds of his drama and BS! It's a process that we all have to go through though.

Tally

This doesn't sound "nice" to me!

He didn't leave you when you hurt him because he knows he's onto a good thing, you're a fully trained codie!

It's hard to let go when ur self esteem is rock bottom, I should know, and he knows it too.

But if you let him, he'll carry on saying mean and hurtful things when he's drunk because he can, because you haven't shown him that he can't yet.

If only there was a button to press and make them see what they're losing, what they're messing up, what could be...but there isn't!

The mean things they say when drunk, 9/10 aren't true, he's just trying to get a reaction and manipulate you, you have to learn to detach and show him his cruel words aren't affecting you, he can't say them if you aren't there to listen, so if he starts, remove yourself from the situation.

Good luck xxx

brdlvr

I really needed to see that. Thanks. It makes sense. My sisters both told me that what are the chances that he will luck out and find another woman that put up with as much as I did and did as much as I did for him when he is in the state he is in. They are not codie and for the life of them they cannot understand why I am even thinking of a man who has nothing to offer at all and who lies, is full blown alcoholic, is undependable, etc.

reader

Hi there, sometime things just take time and practice. Why not change your phone #. I think no contact is best. I broke up with a live in fiance years ago and after a couple attempts at "friendship" I realized for me anyway, I can't be friends with someone I was deeply in love with. Friendly yes, wave yes, but not visit with on the phone or otherwise. Keep your chin up!! We are a work in progress. Kerry

Tally

I totally get where you're coming from. I don't know one person who understands why I stay with my ABF, I'm a codie too...can't let go.

My ABF lies like its second nature to him, cheats like its a normal thing to do, is emotionally, mentally and one time physically abusive yet I stay.

sunshinebluesky

i agree with reader on this one..........i didnt have to deal with what you are dealing with-at least not till HE was ready to not bother with ME,but i know its got to be hard.u still have feelings there,and until you get the feelings in perspective its gonna be.
as she said,time will help. and practice----with control.its like any other habit.......hard to break.
my feelings have changed considerably over the months and all i can do is wave....now,i always pray i dont get close enough to have to have "friendly" conversation,cuz i just dont want to. well,actually,i CAN'T.......so i have no desire to converse at all.
i hope i never again in my life experience that kind of mind screwing these relationships can put on you.

FormerDoormat

I think based on the sheer numbers of codies who regularly visit this thread, plus countless others who monitor this forum--this thread has more viewers than any other forum on SR--I'd say the chances that he will find a new codie are fabulous. But he won't find a new codie until he loses his current codie. He'll stop calling you when you stop answering the phone--just a little something I learned from experience.

Live

Former doormat is right and I am glad she said it....because well, it's the truth and then we are devastated when we are so easily replaced.

I have said this before but what I had to do was count my days of no contact on here day 1, day 2 etc just like counting sobriety. It worked for me.

He won't be the one to stop it, you will have to hard as it is.

Best wishes!

Minx1969

Totally agree with FD..

Of course he will find another codie..all my exabf's did..and they are married to them today..shortly after they dumped me..

boy am I grateful it's not me.

I've added those poor women to my prayer list..

Magichappens

Hi brdlvr,
If I could have stopped the behavior, I would have. Unfortunately, I wasn't one who could follow advise. I was powerless over the need to keep going back to unhealthy situations. That is why I had to get involved with Al-Anon, get a sponsor, and work the steps. Those weird little steps didn't seem like they could possibly help what was wrong with me, but they put me in touch with a power greater than myself, that restored my thinking so that I could make healthy decisions. It was the one ingredient I lacked to follow all the wonderful advise people were giving me. Hugs, Magic

mallowcup

I'm wondering how many women satisfy their maternal instincts by parenting an alcoholic. "I need". That's what kids do. Mom, I need. They never think about what mom needs, but then that's a child and his mother.