greenapplecider

Hello All....well Kathy had 75 days clean, serene, and sober until last night.
She went to dinner with an old friend whom she trusted and had reminded before that she had a boyfriend (me). Well as the night went on, she drank, and eventually he tried to touch her inappropriately and she of course told him to stop it and has decided to no longer be friends with him.

She in her drunken state last night said alot of mean things to me and i almost left ( i was staying at her house), and this morning as she got sobered up, she apologized, said she was sorry for how she treated me, was ashamed of falling off the wagon , and ashamed of how she treated me. She is at her outpatient treatment meeting now, and is of course ashamed that she needs to tell the treatment meeting and people that she fell off the wagon. She gave me her 30, 60 day medallions for clean sober serene that are given out when they reach a certain amount of time sober.

My questions i guess are, what the hell do i do next?
She and i have agreed that she treated me poorly and disrespectfully and she does seem genuinely saddened and embarrassed.

so what to do next?

megamysterioso

There's really nothing you can do except decide once and for all how much of this you're willing to take. If she falls off the wagon again, will you be willing to take whatever she dishes out to you? How many times will this be acceptable to you? What are you going to do about it???? You either detach and learn how to live with her this way or you leave. You can accept things the way they are or leave. Are you going to meetings or continuing to educate yourself on co-dependency?

greenapplecider

yep!
i am almost finished with codependent no more.
i ve also been going to alanon/naranon meetings
and went to a "speaker" meeting the other night

GeorgiaPeach

My AH use to drink heavily and would do the same thing. He always felt bad the day after. I knew that he really was sorry for what he had said and it took on BIG fight that was the result of drinking and him getting mad at someone else and taking it out on me and he stopped, cold turkey. He does drink occasionally and when I say occasionally I do mean it. He use to come in and drink at least a 6 pack or more every night and sometimes he would also drink liquor but now he comes home and has iced tea. He may have a beer or two a month now. I stuck it out and at that time we weren't married, just engged and living todether. That was about 5 years ago. He has another problem, methadone but we are working on that as we speak. They make him act about the same way as far as being moody & such but hopefully soon there will not be anymore SURPRIZES!!!!! There better not be anyway! Just decide what you are willing to deal with and go from there. Does this help at all?

greenapplecider

actually it does help....
it was weird you know? i had a weird feelign about last night before she left.
She had assured me he was "safe" and although he had romantic feelings in the past that he KNEW she had a boyfriend (that was why he asked her to meet him at the restaurant rather than coming to her house -where i was staying- and seeing me....he even admitted that he did that so he did not see me) and that she would be fine.
Well , she says i wish i had just stayed home with you and cuddled up on the couch and watched tv...now by being stupid, i gave up 75 days of sobriety, and almost lost you (me). Plus as i said she gets to face her peers at treatment.
I am glad that she won't be friends with that guy anymore and she is sad that she lost and old friend but, maybe this is what it will take for her to finally straighten out?

greenapplecider

i will say she had done well with her sobriety up until last night, in fact, the other night we were out to shoot darts and she said, "Honey we need to go, i am feeling cravings" and so we left and went home.

megamysterioso

That is great greenapple and I'm happy to hear it. I guess it is pretty common for people in recovery to relapse at least once. I hope that she will take this as an opportunity to learn from it and that she will not continue to "slip." I wish you two all the best and continue on your self-recovery and when too much is too much for you, you will know it.

GeorgiaPeach

Did this guy know about her drinking problem? If so then he wasn't much of a friend in the first place nor was he a friend to even put her in that situation, alcohol or not. Seems like she learned a lesson even if it was the hard way. Maybe she will be more careful in the future and next time she should either bring you along (you are a couple) or not go at all. Maybe you are like her safety blanket for now and she might just feel safer with you there with her. I'm glad that all of my rambling made some sense.

Cynay

Well the good thing is she IS trying. It very common for them to slip, but she is back on the wagon today...

Personally Im not sure why she is going to dinner with a man that she knows has romantic intentions and does not want to meet you. That is a huge red flag to me if they dont want/will not meet my SO. Also that there was alcohol at the table if she has a drinking problem.... hurm...

pmaslan

Cynay Quote:
Personally Im not sure why she is going to dinner with a man that she knows has romantic intentions and does not want to meet you. That is a huge red flag to me if they dont want/will not meet my SO. Also that there was alcohol at the table if she has a drinking problem.... hurm...

My thoughts exactly......more here than meets the eye...

Jazzman

Thats Kinda what I was thinking Cynay... GA it sounds a though she IS taking her recovery seriously but she chose to put herself in a bad situation... bad on more than one level in my mind. I hope her fog continues to clear.

Zoey

greenapplecider, I agree with the 2 reply's above, but let me suggest, do not discuss it with her, I feel the A knows they goofed, and do not need to hear about it from us. From SO it makes A's feel guilty, they are fighting physical addiction and cravings. Comments make us feel worse.
If she goes to her treatment meeting, it is best to accept it with no discussion, that is if you want to stay.
You will be the one to decide if you can accept this once. Then think about your boundries if it happens again etc. You know to not threaten if not sure you will carry it out.
Maybe this will be her only slip, hopefully she learned from this. Who knows?
I am so glad you are attending meetings.

meli2005

I don't think there is anything to do, but wait and see how seh handles this. It sounds like she is remorseful regarding her relapse and it sounds like she is doing the right thing going to the treatment programs. She needs to go back to meetings. She can get back on the wagon and just keep trying. A relapse is not the end of the world, though I know it is REALLY hard on you, been there, done that, know how it feels.

Pray for her and hope for the best. My AH says each time he relapses he learns something new. My therapist said this is all a process. Some people have many relapses on the way to recovery, but teh end result is the most important.

I wouldn't scold her about it, I would just encourage her to do the right thing. Also, take care of YOU!!!