Healthy anger vs. unhealthy anger
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Healthy anger vs. unhealthy anger
Considering the events of today, I thought this would be a good topic.
The forum was asked what is wrong with anger. Anger in and of itself is not healthy or unhealthy. It is how we choose to handle that anger that makes it healthy or unhealthy. I pulled the following off of the internet:
Healthy Anger:
Healthy anger is appropriate to the situation that evokes it. Healthy expression of anger involves facing what makes you angry and an effort to set boundaries for yourself by determining what you will do in response to what makes you angry.
eg: When you do ________, I feel ______ , and to protect myself I will _________.
Healthy anger is not used to punish, is not violent, and is not used to intimidate, control or manipulate the other person. It is expressed, discussed and moved through.
Healthy anger is not stuffed down and ignored. Stuffed anger creates resentment and a myriad of physical, mental and emotional problems. Healthy anger is not expressed in passive-aggressive and manipulative ways.
Unhealthy Anger
Unhealthy Anger is a component of abusive relationships. This kind of anger or rage is experienced with great intensity and expressed likewise by screaming and yelling, physical expressions of anger, violence or threats of violence, sulking, manipulation, emotional blackmail, silent smoldering, and anger used to punish.
Rage is a shame-based expression of anger.
Rage is by definition abuse. They react to strong emotions with rage, i.e. feelings of fear, sadness, shame, inadequacy, guilt or loss convert to rage.
They were typically shamed or punished by their caretakers for expressing emotion when they were young; i.e.: "Be a man and don't cry", "Nice girls don't get angry" or "I'll give you something to cry about".
Raging gives the angry person a feeling of power - offsetting their shame and feelings of inadequacy.
Unexpressed anger related to childhood abuses often results in addictive problems later in life. To stuff down the feelings of shame, anger, isolation, fear, sadness and loss the abuse creates.
By pushing feelings down it is impossible to work through feelings and move past them, keeping the person trapped in a downward spiral.
AND ANOTHER:
What Healthy Anger looks like:
Healthy expression of anger involves confrontation of what makes you angry and an effort to set boundaries. (What you will do in response to what makes you angry.)
i.e: When you (a behavior), I feel (a feeling) , and to protect myself I will _________.
Healthy anger is not used to punish, is not violent, and isn't used to intimidate, control or manipulate. It is expressed, discussed, and moved through.
Healthy anger is not stuffed down and ignored. (Stuffed anger created resentment and a wealth of physical / mental and emotional problems.) Healthy anger is not expressed in passive aggressive and manipulative ways.
Unhealthy Anger is component of Alcoholism, Addictions and Abusive Relationships.
Anger management is critical to recovery from addictions and trauma, childhood sexual mental or physical abuse, and relationship recovery. Addictions are in part a coping mechanism to deal with feelings by masking them.
Alcoholics and Addicts often "use at" the source of their anger. (i.e.: I'm angry at ______ so I'll have a drink, take a drug, or act out sexually. Obviously this is a highly self destructive response to anger.
Unexpressed anger related to childhood abuses often results in addictive problems later in life. (To stuff down the feelings of shame, anger, isolation, fear, sadness and loss the abuse creates.) Very often chronic relapsers in recovery programs, or chronic addicts are survivors of childhood abuse.
The sad irony is that by pushing feelings down alcohol and drugs make it impossible to work through our feelings and move past them, keeping the survivor trapped in a downward spiral. This is part of why even moderate drug or alcohol use in non addicts severely compromises their progress in therapy. (If you are stuffing down your feelings how can you work on them?)
Regarding anger, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says:
"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."
The forum was asked what is wrong with anger. Anger in and of itself is not healthy or unhealthy. It is how we choose to handle that anger that makes it healthy or unhealthy. I pulled the following off of the internet:
Healthy Anger:
Healthy anger is appropriate to the situation that evokes it. Healthy expression of anger involves facing what makes you angry and an effort to set boundaries for yourself by determining what you will do in response to what makes you angry.
eg: When you do ________, I feel ______ , and to protect myself I will _________.
Healthy anger is not used to punish, is not violent, and is not used to intimidate, control or manipulate the other person. It is expressed, discussed and moved through.
Healthy anger is not stuffed down and ignored. Stuffed anger creates resentment and a myriad of physical, mental and emotional problems. Healthy anger is not expressed in passive-aggressive and manipulative ways.
Unhealthy Anger
Unhealthy Anger is a component of abusive relationships. This kind of anger or rage is experienced with great intensity and expressed likewise by screaming and yelling, physical expressions of anger, violence or threats of violence, sulking, manipulation, emotional blackmail, silent smoldering, and anger used to punish.
Rage is a shame-based expression of anger.
Rage is by definition abuse. They react to strong emotions with rage, i.e. feelings of fear, sadness, shame, inadequacy, guilt or loss convert to rage.
They were typically shamed or punished by their caretakers for expressing emotion when they were young; i.e.: "Be a man and don't cry", "Nice girls don't get angry" or "I'll give you something to cry about".
Raging gives the angry person a feeling of power - offsetting their shame and feelings of inadequacy.
Unexpressed anger related to childhood abuses often results in addictive problems later in life. To stuff down the feelings of shame, anger, isolation, fear, sadness and loss the abuse creates.
By pushing feelings down it is impossible to work through feelings and move past them, keeping the person trapped in a downward spiral.
AND ANOTHER:
What Healthy Anger looks like:
Healthy expression of anger involves confrontation of what makes you angry and an effort to set boundaries. (What you will do in response to what makes you angry.)
i.e: When you (a behavior), I feel (a feeling) , and to protect myself I will _________.
Healthy anger is not used to punish, is not violent, and isn't used to intimidate, control or manipulate. It is expressed, discussed, and moved through.
Healthy anger is not stuffed down and ignored. (Stuffed anger created resentment and a wealth of physical / mental and emotional problems.) Healthy anger is not expressed in passive aggressive and manipulative ways.
Unhealthy Anger is component of Alcoholism, Addictions and Abusive Relationships.
Anger management is critical to recovery from addictions and trauma, childhood sexual mental or physical abuse, and relationship recovery. Addictions are in part a coping mechanism to deal with feelings by masking them.
Alcoholics and Addicts often "use at" the source of their anger. (i.e.: I'm angry at ______ so I'll have a drink, take a drug, or act out sexually. Obviously this is a highly self destructive response to anger.
Unexpressed anger related to childhood abuses often results in addictive problems later in life. (To stuff down the feelings of shame, anger, isolation, fear, sadness and loss the abuse creates.) Very often chronic relapsers in recovery programs, or chronic addicts are survivors of childhood abuse.
The sad irony is that by pushing feelings down alcohol and drugs make it impossible to work through our feelings and move past them, keeping the survivor trapped in a downward spiral. This is part of why even moderate drug or alcohol use in non addicts severely compromises their progress in therapy. (If you are stuffing down your feelings how can you work on them?)
Regarding anger, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says:
"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."
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Very good Judy ! Now for my OT remark.
Judy (SMILE) bet the one you are thinking of will read the last line and catch "normal men", then he has us. he will consider he is normal because he is not an addict.
I feel anything we say or quote can and will be argued with. Don't stop posting tho,
Who is normal?? I feel the word normal should not be used or written to describe people. JMO
Anger eats me alive. Harms my health. Makes me useless for self or others.
Sometimes I'd just rather be mad, and have a good time ploting revenge.
Mostly I do not know the difference between anger and hurt.
Judy posted good stuff, Thank you
Judy (SMILE) bet the one you are thinking of will read the last line and catch "normal men", then he has us. he will consider he is normal because he is not an addict.
I feel anything we say or quote can and will be argued with. Don't stop posting tho,
Who is normal?? I feel the word normal should not be used or written to describe people. JMO
Anger eats me alive. Harms my health. Makes me useless for self or others.
Sometimes I'd just rather be mad, and have a good time ploting revenge.
Mostly I do not know the difference between anger and hurt.
Judy posted good stuff, Thank you
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Posts: 1,331
Hi Clancy, these are not my words, but written by others, I will make the assumption psychologists and the like.
I think we all suffer from unhealthy anger from time to time, however, our coping mechanism helps to put it in perspective, at least for me it does.
I will never stop posting Clancy, at least not until they run me out of town LOL!
Whoever reads this and takes something positive away from it, then that is all I ask. As far as guy goes, I'm tired of beating a dead horse and I have many other things that I can beat my head against a brick wall about. Live and let live right?
I think we all suffer from unhealthy anger from time to time, however, our coping mechanism helps to put it in perspective, at least for me it does.
I will never stop posting Clancy, at least not until they run me out of town LOL!
Whoever reads this and takes something positive away from it, then that is all I ask. As far as guy goes, I'm tired of beating a dead horse and I have many other things that I can beat my head against a brick wall about. Live and let live right?
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I think I might have a lot to say about anger as it has featured in my life quite a lot, but I have to go and clean the kitchen first. In the meantime....
I did a quick google on anger and found this great site for kids http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/emotion/anger.html
There is a section on anger and I just had to quote it here (My bold for emphasis):
And the same messages keep coming from different sources.......
I did a quick google on anger and found this great site for kids http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/emotion/anger.html
There is a section on anger and I just had to quote it here (My bold for emphasis):
What Should I Do If I Get Angry?
Don't lose control if you get angry. Taking it out on others never solves anything. Instead, admit to yourself that you are angry and try to figure out why. What can you do to keep the situation from happening again? If your little sister gets a toy and you don't, it's not OK to break that toy. Maybe you can ask her to share it with you. Or if your science homework is too hard, don't rip up your notebook. Ask your teacher or a parent for help instead.
It helps to talk about your anger with an adult, such as a parent, teacher, or relative. Once you talk about anger, those bad feelings usually start to go away.
Don't lose control if you get angry. Taking it out on others never solves anything. Instead, admit to yourself that you are angry and try to figure out why. What can you do to keep the situation from happening again? If your little sister gets a toy and you don't, it's not OK to break that toy. Maybe you can ask her to share it with you. Or if your science homework is too hard, don't rip up your notebook. Ask your teacher or a parent for help instead.
It helps to talk about your anger with an adult, such as a parent, teacher, or relative. Once you talk about anger, those bad feelings usually start to go away.
Acting not reacting
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Raging gives the angry person a feeling of power - offsetting their shame and feelings of inadequacy.
This I think sums it up very well!
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Thanks,Judy.....good stuff!
I was reading in some recovery book the other day (I have several "going" at once..haha) and it was saying how anger is basically an expression of fear. I found that interesting....had never looked at it that way before. There could be something to that. Just thought I'd throw that out there while we think/discuss anger.
I was reading in some recovery book the other day (I have several "going" at once..haha) and it was saying how anger is basically an expression of fear. I found that interesting....had never looked at it that way before. There could be something to that. Just thought I'd throw that out there while we think/discuss anger.
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PS. www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww Big Book on line.
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Originally Posted by Clancy46
PS. www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww Big Book on line.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
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You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I will be honest, as I wasn't going to say anything. You have run off a few members. One pm ed me the other one I had refered here. I don't want to start any infighting, I just thought I might as well bring it to ur attention. With Love, Kerry
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[You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
I doubt very much I have so much power to run off someone from an internet board! Everyone needs someone to blame ..... if I'm it, well it's OK with me.
I don't sugarcoat things nor do I like things sugarcoated for my benefit.
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Was re-reading the Big Book site and found the personal stories are from the first edition. Shucks, my favorite isn't there. It was "Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict", then was changed in the new 4th edition to "Acceptance Was The Answer"
Just thought I would mention that. In the new 4th edition there was a story by someone that had been in national news for being under the influence on the job. He might have put many people at risk, but his attorney got him into treatment right away, he has been sober every since. at least till he wrote his story??
Just thought I would mention that. In the new 4th edition there was a story by someone that had been in national news for being under the influence on the job. He might have put many people at risk, but his attorney got him into treatment right away, he has been sober every since. at least till he wrote his story??
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Originally Posted by Clancy46
Was re-reading the Big Book site and found the personal stories are from the first edition. Shucks, my favorite isn't there. It was "Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict"
Clancy............sorry to hear that. That is my favorite,too.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
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Judy, I was never hoping to have anyone sugar coat anything. Advice of any kind doesn't have to be saracastic. Why would anyone choose u to "blame" you, I have gotten pm's. We are only human and feelings do get hurt. Threads do not get shut down for nothing. I am going to drop this but I was just concerned that people were leaving that really needed support.
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I agree that fear is where most anger comes from. And I know that there is one person - my xabf - that can make me (or should I say, I allow) to make me go into a very angry, screaming rage in a matter of minutes. He pushes my buttons, even when he calls and is trying to be nice, I stay angry as to not let my guard down with him. I know he is manipulator. In the end, I am the one that feels bad over losing my temper. Still working on that.
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