Jazzman

OK... I was going to post this in the other thread... but it's gone now!

let me try this....

A year after my 1st son was born my 1st wife asked for a trial separation. I never saw it coming, shocked and amazed that my marriage was going down the flusher and I had no clue. I was clinically depressed with all the symptoms, no eat, no sleep, no think straight, yada, yada... I went to a counselor w/ my ego and pride shattered figuring the stigma of seeing one made me a failure.

Since then, (18 years ago) I have seen 6 different counselors, two marriage specialists, two children specialists and two for addictions counseling. The best thing I have ever done and you know why?

I'm a guy, plus I'm an engineer to boot, (worst possible combination). I was trained to solve problems by reading the manual and implementing solutions or designing a solution. Give me a network that's broken, the manual and I will fix it. All I need is the resource to learn the ins and outs, the MANUAL, and I'm good to go.

I had no skills at ALL when it comes to fixing relationship problems, emotional health problems or child rearing issues. I was not qualified in the least bit to fix any of those problems. I sought out help from someone who was qualified and I'm glad I did. And I'm still learning and I'm still not qualified to solve every problem that I will face in life. However I will seek out the manual.

pmaslan

Jazz thanks for sharing that. I really respect you as you know, it takes
a lot of self introspect to get to that point that you did.
Guy has not hit his bottom. His bottom seems to be contingent on his
wife's bottom. When her addiction resurfaces so does his. Horrible way
to live....a life on hold is awful.
Guy will seek help from a professional when he is sick and tired of being
sick and tired....period.
The only area of concern for me at this time is his children. The drama anger, and chaos are affecting them whether Guy wants to believe it or not.
Heck he has admitted that the oldest child may never speak to his mother again....all very sad, such a waste of time...but it is Guy's to waste....

guyinNC

Thank you Jazz, you are a true friend and really value your thoughts and advice.

I had a rough weekend. Honestly, I was doing well. But she waltz back into my life, told me she loved me....was getting better etc. etc. I let my guard down and I was burned.

Counseling is not out of the question.....just what experience I had with it was not very helpful.. But I am listening to you, I promise.

equus

I had one session with a counsellor that was like talking to soup - I didn't go back!!

I had six sessions with a brilliant counsellor and paid for a seventh!

We had jointly an excellent counsellor that made so many differences using what she knew - we went back.

We also had a counsellor from hell with anger issues and if you ask me a superiority complex - we didn't go back.

Just like their are lousey electronics engineers there are some lousey counsellors but that doesn't mean there's no purpose for electronic engineers or that I could build a GPS system without one!

LaTeeDa

I am concerned about the children, too. Being angry at their mother is understandable, but they need tools to deal with that anger and move on. They will not accquire those tools living with an angry father (even one who tries to put on a happy face.) There is no shame in asking for help. It is the most loving thing you can do for yourself and your family. I'm so glad I did it. I hope you will, too, Guy.

L

guyinNC

Why do guys think I am a bad father? They are everything to me.

Bottoms? I'm not a drunk. I am living with the affects of a drunk on my life. I'm not sucidal, I work everyday, I am active in the community.

My kids are dealing with the impact their Mom's alcoholism has had on their lives. My whole family is involved, watching closely. A dear family friend who loves my kids, and is an exceptional therapist is helping. By his advice, my kids are doing well.....and it is normal for my oldest for my oldest to be angry at her Mom.

Everyday, I work to help repair the damage she has done. It is important to me! That is why the events of this past weekend were so sad to me and painful. The kids do not know yet what she has done.

I never speak ill of her to her kids. It is not in their best interest.

My feelings are my own, I deal with them as beat I can.

pmaslan

Bottoms aren't just for drunks anymore.......

LaTeeDa

I don't think you are a bad father. Not at all! I just don't think you are the best qualified person to handle your children's problems right now, due to all the pain you, yourself are in. As I said, there is no shame in asking for help...........

guyinNC

Thanks guys!

Jazzman

WHAT!!!! Deny!!! Deny!!!!

Well there must be something in the water cuz mine did the same thing a little while ago. I talked to my therapst about it just yesterday. Short version... re-focus on myself. I walked out w/ a good action plan and lots of light bulb moments with the help of a very qualifield therapist.

Too bad people aren't as easy to fix as PCs, stereos and networks.... but it would be a boring world for sure.

guyinNC

So how do you know if you need therapy? Since from what I have read and heard my feelings are normal.

pmaslan

May I ask what you have been reading and hearing to consider your
feelings to be normal???? I think almost everyone here on F&F have
suggested therapy for you and your kids many times. At the very
least Alanon and Alateen....all free of charge and certainly worth
a try.

sunshine003

She didn't just waltz back into your life.....if you had the right tools, you wouldn't have let her just waltz back in. You would have learned some tools, you would have proper boundaries in place, a clear picture of the reality, you wouldn't have let your guard down.

LaTeeDa

I don't buy into "normal" or "abnormal" when it comes to feelings. They are what they are. I think what therapy is for is how we deal with our feelings, both negative and positive ones. Carrying anger and resentment around is like having a cinder block chained to your ankle. They are "normal" feelings to have in a situation like this, but now what? How will you deal with those feelings? What will you do to get beyond them and find forgiveness so that your life can be happy and fulfilled? Or will you stuff them and deal with them resurfacing forever? If you can't do it for yourself, please at least get the kids to a counselor. They deserve to find out how to be happy, don't they?

L

susane1408

OT. Yo Jazz!
I'm putting a new graphics card in Phil's PC tomorrow, you around to help a lady in distress if I mess up?
I think your doing a wonderful job of keeping your side of the street clean, great example.

Pick-a-name

Not saying the kids shouldn't have help, but really.........why wouldn't they be angry? Especially now. They need tools.....but they also need time to sort things for themselves. They may alter how they relate with/to their mother but they will never move on from her being their mother.

Jazz:that you are upset and angry with the situation is natural and they know that and may even have "comfort" in that,too. That you can love someone AND be angry at the situation and set boundaries...all with the same person. The truth without the details I think is what serves us all best. JMHO They love their mother and probably hate the addict...at least the actions of the addict. They know she is sick. Now; what do they do? Same way I feel about AH and why I am here,too. Icounselor who knows addiction can help..but one who doesn't is worse than no help, in my experience. (Family blame is the reason.)

I see I am rambling again.......take care.

elizabeth1979

Guy, its one thing to decide you dont need any help, dont have a bottom, dont have a problem, and are experiencing normal emotions.

Its not the same with the children.
If you think this is normal for children, then you must have been raised in an alcoholic home?

No?

LaTeeDa

Being the daughter of an alcoholic, I had plenty of time to "sort things for myself." But my way of sorting things was developed by living in a dysfunctional family. Guess what, I sorted it so well I married an alcoholic. If my mother had the clarity to get me to a counselor, who knows what changes may have resulted? Of course they are angry, and so is Guy, but sorting things for yourself from the perspective of behaviors learned by dealing with dysfunction only leads to more dysfunction.

My opinion only,

L

*edit* How much time do you think? Hasn't it been over a year since Guy's wife left intially?

Pick-a-name

Well said.

I just was referring to the fact daughter is angry that her mother just ran off again and is evidently still using. If the daughter knows it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with her mother's alcoholism, then the anger will subside.

Alateen, therapy, etc are the best advice for sure. I know in my case, it has not been as easy as just deciding it. The kids have to participate (not just sit in a room) to get the benefits and that can not be forced especially as they get older.

LaTeeDa

I agree completely. And, I guess that is why there is a sense of urgency in my post. I believe these children are already teenagers and the older they get, the more difficult it will be to help them.

I know I knew everything when I was a teenager! LOL