need feedback if anyone's out there...
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
need feedback if anyone's out there...
Hi guys,
OK.... I don't know if any of you are like me, but I am TERRIBLE at verbal communication. I can have great conversations inside my head, and can often write novels of perceptive ideas on paper... but when I am confronted with having to respond on a whim, I get frogs in my throat! I NEVER come out saying what I mean, OR meaning what I say. HELP!
OK. So here's the dilemma... He went out drinking this weekend. I stayed out of it. I practiced "letting it go". I didn't get involved, and just let him HAVE and own up to the disease and it's consequences. It felt GREAT to be doing the right thing and not to be feeling / acting insane. And then we got to talking today and he completely throws me for a loop!!!! He says something to the effect of... "I KNEW I was gonna drink. I planned it. I even left the checkbook out so that you could SEE that I took money. I guess I WANTED to get caught. And before the hockey game (he plays for our local AAA mens league), I went and bought an 8-ball and a case of beer... I was hoping SOMEONE at hockey would convince me NOT to do it. And then it seemed no one cared. I sat in my truck with my beer and my drugs, and CRIED cuz I DIDN'T want to do either. And then I did." And so he looks at me as if to say... "Don't you care? If you KNEW I was gonna drink (and I did), why didn't you talk to me about it?"
So, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Part of me is very defensive of my recovery, because it was purposeful of me to NOT get involved this time - you know, the whole "let HIM have it" thing?!!!! So, how do I explain myself - my actions, and non-actions - this weekend??? I KNOW that he was asking for someone to notice him BEFORE he picked up the first beer... he was wanting attention etc. How do I explain WHY I didn't give it to him, without it sounding like I didn't care???
Feedback????
Thanks,
Meg
OK.... I don't know if any of you are like me, but I am TERRIBLE at verbal communication. I can have great conversations inside my head, and can often write novels of perceptive ideas on paper... but when I am confronted with having to respond on a whim, I get frogs in my throat! I NEVER come out saying what I mean, OR meaning what I say. HELP!
OK. So here's the dilemma... He went out drinking this weekend. I stayed out of it. I practiced "letting it go". I didn't get involved, and just let him HAVE and own up to the disease and it's consequences. It felt GREAT to be doing the right thing and not to be feeling / acting insane. And then we got to talking today and he completely throws me for a loop!!!! He says something to the effect of... "I KNEW I was gonna drink. I planned it. I even left the checkbook out so that you could SEE that I took money. I guess I WANTED to get caught. And before the hockey game (he plays for our local AAA mens league), I went and bought an 8-ball and a case of beer... I was hoping SOMEONE at hockey would convince me NOT to do it. And then it seemed no one cared. I sat in my truck with my beer and my drugs, and CRIED cuz I DIDN'T want to do either. And then I did." And so he looks at me as if to say... "Don't you care? If you KNEW I was gonna drink (and I did), why didn't you talk to me about it?"
So, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Part of me is very defensive of my recovery, because it was purposeful of me to NOT get involved this time - you know, the whole "let HIM have it" thing?!!!! So, how do I explain myself - my actions, and non-actions - this weekend??? I KNOW that he was asking for someone to notice him BEFORE he picked up the first beer... he was wanting attention etc. How do I explain WHY I didn't give it to him, without it sounding like I didn't care???
Feedback????
Thanks,
Meg
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Meg,
Wow. Im not sure what to say except I dont think you're his mother OR his keeper. Your recovery says that you take care of yourself, and you allow others to experience the dignity of their experiences and the joy of their own consequences. THAT'S how we show them that we love them and care about them- we let them live their lives and do what they do, and we love them thru it!
I hope this helps.... I'll ck back to see what the others say
Hugs
Osier59
Wow. Im not sure what to say except I dont think you're his mother OR his keeper. Your recovery says that you take care of yourself, and you allow others to experience the dignity of their experiences and the joy of their own consequences. THAT'S how we show them that we love them and care about them- we let them live their lives and do what they do, and we love them thru it!
I hope this helps.... I'll ck back to see what the others say
Hugs
Osier59
Paused
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: State of Confusion
Posts: 22
Meg,
I'm very new at this, but my first reaction is that YOU don't need to explain your actions for anything!!! You did what you needed to do for your own health and sanity. It sounds to me like he's looking for someone, anyone, to blame for his relapse. By explaining yourself to him, you'd be falling into his trap.
Peace,
K
I'm very new at this, but my first reaction is that YOU don't need to explain your actions for anything!!! You did what you needed to do for your own health and sanity. It sounds to me like he's looking for someone, anyone, to blame for his relapse. By explaining yourself to him, you'd be falling into his trap.
Peace,
K
Last edited by Kath; 02-11-2003 at 07:31 PM.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Hello Meg!
What you did was just fine! What he did was feel SORRY for himself. They crave attention and when they don't get the right kind or amount they turn it around to be someone elses fault that they drank again. Why? Why? Why? didn't someone care about me. It is always about them.
Keep it up Meg!! Don't let him intimidate you!
matters
What you did was just fine! What he did was feel SORRY for himself. They crave attention and when they don't get the right kind or amount they turn it around to be someone elses fault that they drank again. Why? Why? Why? didn't someone care about me. It is always about them.
Keep it up Meg!! Don't let him intimidate you!
matters
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Meg
You did just fine. He is blaming you for his behavour - WRONGO PAL!!!!
It's sort of a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation....if you nag him - he uses. If you don't - he uses. Don't fall into the trap. Don't be a victim here. It's HIS stuff, not yours.
You are doing just fine. Even questioning yourself, like you are here is fine too with lots of support behind you. Just work on your recovery and let him blame someone else - maybe the hockey team.
Sending hugs because I care.
You did just fine. He is blaming you for his behavour - WRONGO PAL!!!!
It's sort of a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation....if you nag him - he uses. If you don't - he uses. Don't fall into the trap. Don't be a victim here. It's HIS stuff, not yours.
You are doing just fine. Even questioning yourself, like you are here is fine too with lots of support behind you. Just work on your recovery and let him blame someone else - maybe the hockey team.
Sending hugs because I care.
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
geesh! how codependant can I be!!! You know it never even occured to me that he was trying to place his blame on me... OK. So here's what I want to say to him: "In order for me to be healthy, I need put to myself first. I can't "save you" each time you crave... and I can't wait around and pick up the pieces. I am getting on with my own life now. I still love you, but I cannot sustain you and keep you afloat any longer."
??????
hmmmm...
Meg
??????
hmmmm...
Meg
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
Meg,
Please be strong!! Here I am telling you to be strong when that is the thing that I need to work on the most. Don't let him blame you for his drinking. I think what you plan to say is great. Like others said, practice saying it before you have to say it to him. It may help.
I almost feel like a hipocrite. I can't tell you how many times I have thought things out and then been unable to express them to my husband. Although, now after reading what others are experiencing and going to AlAnon I think I may be getting stronger. I'm hoping that a major 'test' won't come along soon, but I'm no fool. It could happen any day.
Also, I think if you start by telling him that you love hime (as well as yourself) that may help him hear you better.
jmm
Please be strong!! Here I am telling you to be strong when that is the thing that I need to work on the most. Don't let him blame you for his drinking. I think what you plan to say is great. Like others said, practice saying it before you have to say it to him. It may help.
I almost feel like a hipocrite. I can't tell you how many times I have thought things out and then been unable to express them to my husband. Although, now after reading what others are experiencing and going to AlAnon I think I may be getting stronger. I'm hoping that a major 'test' won't come along soon, but I'm no fool. It could happen any day.
Also, I think if you start by telling him that you love hime (as well as yourself) that may help him hear you better.
jmm
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
