Talking to each other... a drink in a beer bottle!
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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Talking to each other... a drink in a beer bottle!
After posting about the pleasures of treat drinks the next day we were in a muslim supermarket filling our basket with enticing new things to try. While we waited in the queue D picked up a tin of a vanilla flavoured drink made from Irish sea moss! Then he picked up a malt drink in a beer like bottle, it didn't look like the no alco beers and yet it did look like it was wanting to go down that line, the picture of barley on the front, the word 'Malt' bold and clear, the beer cap and it's size.
It wasn't a case of checking labels - it's a muslim shop I knew there was no alcohol. We were stood in a queue neither the time nor place to ask or really talk. I knew there was no place for me complaining, this wasn't alcohol, this wasn't about me, this wasn't my business. I still had a knot inside though.
On the way home I wrestled with what I thought about it, lots of 'I shoulds' and shouldn'ts went through my head unhelpfully. D noticed and asked what was wrong - I answered that it was my problem not his, he wanted to know though so when we got inside I told him.
I just told him how I felt, not that his actions made me feel that way, my beliefs abouts alcohol substitutes were what led to my feelings - not him. D offered to throw the drink away but by this time I knew he hadn't bought it as a substitute, he said he'd checked the label carefully and his Mum used to give them malt tablets as a kid for vitimins. He said that if it upset me it wasn't what he wanted so the ball was in my court!
We are learning, together, side by side, it's how we began and has worked for us so that gave me my decision, the bottle was there - we would learn. I suggested he pour it and my heart sank as it poured like the old fashioned stouts D once loved, a light brown head over dark liquid. I think D's heart sank a little too because he passed it to me to try and said if it tastes like it looks he'd chuck it!
It tasted nothing like stout, it was like a vitimin cola - it bore no similarity to beer at all in taste. D tried it and agreed, we read the label loaded with vits and decided this may be a good thing. We shared it.
He still has the irish sea moss concoction to try!!
For US there'd be no better way to get through that, we talked to each other - learned a little more about each other's feelings and thoughts, exchanged information. But I felt wrong, partly because at the back of my mind is still this feeling I 'shouldn't' interfere. It's come from here - SR, maybe through my misunderstanding, maybe filtered through my own beliefs - I'm not blaming but that feeling that things 'should' be seperated has come from here.
I apologised later to him feeling that my emotions weren't based on reason, I knew he wasn't doing anything unreasonable. D reassured me that he felt it was reasonable given what had happened and he was glad we talked about it.
So here's my question:
To those who read the above and feel I should have not said anything - how do you get by without that communication? What do you do with the feelings?
To those who read this and think I did right and only my mis-understanding left me feeling there was something wrong about it - can you clear up those misunderstandings for me? Can you understand why I felt that way and why I feel it comes from here? (bear in mind - there's only been SR for me for many months, so I'm probably refering to stuff outside of SR that I don't have contact with).
The above is right for us - I can only comment about us, but my mind boggled how it could be dealt with seperately without us coming together to learn.
It wasn't a case of checking labels - it's a muslim shop I knew there was no alcohol. We were stood in a queue neither the time nor place to ask or really talk. I knew there was no place for me complaining, this wasn't alcohol, this wasn't about me, this wasn't my business. I still had a knot inside though.
On the way home I wrestled with what I thought about it, lots of 'I shoulds' and shouldn'ts went through my head unhelpfully. D noticed and asked what was wrong - I answered that it was my problem not his, he wanted to know though so when we got inside I told him.
I just told him how I felt, not that his actions made me feel that way, my beliefs abouts alcohol substitutes were what led to my feelings - not him. D offered to throw the drink away but by this time I knew he hadn't bought it as a substitute, he said he'd checked the label carefully and his Mum used to give them malt tablets as a kid for vitimins. He said that if it upset me it wasn't what he wanted so the ball was in my court!
We are learning, together, side by side, it's how we began and has worked for us so that gave me my decision, the bottle was there - we would learn. I suggested he pour it and my heart sank as it poured like the old fashioned stouts D once loved, a light brown head over dark liquid. I think D's heart sank a little too because he passed it to me to try and said if it tastes like it looks he'd chuck it!
It tasted nothing like stout, it was like a vitimin cola - it bore no similarity to beer at all in taste. D tried it and agreed, we read the label loaded with vits and decided this may be a good thing. We shared it.
He still has the irish sea moss concoction to try!!
For US there'd be no better way to get through that, we talked to each other - learned a little more about each other's feelings and thoughts, exchanged information. But I felt wrong, partly because at the back of my mind is still this feeling I 'shouldn't' interfere. It's come from here - SR, maybe through my misunderstanding, maybe filtered through my own beliefs - I'm not blaming but that feeling that things 'should' be seperated has come from here.
I apologised later to him feeling that my emotions weren't based on reason, I knew he wasn't doing anything unreasonable. D reassured me that he felt it was reasonable given what had happened and he was glad we talked about it.
So here's my question:
To those who read the above and feel I should have not said anything - how do you get by without that communication? What do you do with the feelings?
To those who read this and think I did right and only my mis-understanding left me feeling there was something wrong about it - can you clear up those misunderstandings for me? Can you understand why I felt that way and why I feel it comes from here? (bear in mind - there's only been SR for me for many months, so I'm probably refering to stuff outside of SR that I don't have contact with).
The above is right for us - I can only comment about us, but my mind boggled how it could be dealt with seperately without us coming together to learn.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Equus,
I think the word 'malt' on the label was a 'trigger' for you. Understandably so. Your feelings were not unreasonable at all. Triggers can bring back all sorts of insecure feelings and fear. No one is immune to it. It's human nature. But it's also how you handle those feelings that are triggered.
You and D have the kind of healthy relationship and recovery, that you 'can' talk about it with each other. It doesn't matter what others may think or say. It's what works for you and D. And obviously what the two of you are doing works for you! That's all that should matter.
I think that had you not talked about your feelings and kept them inside, that would have been more damaging in the long run.
To be honest, I think you both handled it extremely well.
I know I didn't answer all of your questions, but I answered what I could. I'm still a little groggy; just woke up a few minutes ago.
I think the word 'malt' on the label was a 'trigger' for you. Understandably so. Your feelings were not unreasonable at all. Triggers can bring back all sorts of insecure feelings and fear. No one is immune to it. It's human nature. But it's also how you handle those feelings that are triggered.
You and D have the kind of healthy relationship and recovery, that you 'can' talk about it with each other. It doesn't matter what others may think or say. It's what works for you and D. And obviously what the two of you are doing works for you! That's all that should matter.
I think that had you not talked about your feelings and kept them inside, that would have been more damaging in the long run.
To be honest, I think you both handled it extremely well.
I know I didn't answer all of your questions, but I answered what I could. I'm still a little groggy; just woke up a few minutes ago.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Hi Equus, I think you handled it really well. To not verbalize your feelings would have frustrated u and may have caused resentment. I think that u have a wonderful marriage, you both communicate so fabulously. I think part of our recovery is to stand up for ourselves and to require more respect. I think ur marriage is a wonderful example to all couples! With Love, Kerry
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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Posts: 3,054
I did work well for us that way - and thanks for the support!
I don't know how to split good communication and a good relationship - I don't know how I could know which came first, just that they're two sides of the same coin and inseperable.
ICU - you hit the nail on the head that it was a trigger for me, or more to the point him wanting it was a trigger for me, the bottle alone wouldn't have done a damn thing! I was kind of aware of that, ie that my feelings were coming up from inside rather than a rational response (although - ok, I think probably reasonable). I suppose that was my dilema, whether to put that in a shared space or keep it in my own space. D's response to me apologising for being upset wwas very similar to yours, to him it was reasonable and understandable.
Reader - You're right that if I'd said nothing I don't think I could have got to feeling the way I do now. I'm not sure if resentment would have built because I was clear in my own mind his behaviour wasn't unreasonable but I do think my confidence both in myself and in the future would have taken a whack! I also think if I'd seen it poured and drank I'd have been really upset without having talked - ye GADS it did look like stout!
I don't know how to split good communication and a good relationship - I don't know how I could know which came first, just that they're two sides of the same coin and inseperable.
ICU - you hit the nail on the head that it was a trigger for me, or more to the point him wanting it was a trigger for me, the bottle alone wouldn't have done a damn thing! I was kind of aware of that, ie that my feelings were coming up from inside rather than a rational response (although - ok, I think probably reasonable). I suppose that was my dilema, whether to put that in a shared space or keep it in my own space. D's response to me apologising for being upset wwas very similar to yours, to him it was reasonable and understandable.
Reader - You're right that if I'd said nothing I don't think I could have got to feeling the way I do now. I'm not sure if resentment would have built because I was clear in my own mind his behaviour wasn't unreasonable but I do think my confidence both in myself and in the future would have taken a whack! I also think if I'd seen it poured and drank I'd have been really upset without having talked - ye GADS it did look like stout!
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Join Date: May 2004
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Why was it not a rational response? Given the situation you have been in, I would say it was entirely rational to be a bit jumpy occasionally. I would worry about you if you were able to put your experience in a box and forget about it.
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I think I confused reasonable and rational!! I think it was reasonable and so did D for the same reasons as you give. But for it to be rational I'd have to be able to rationalise it and I can't, I know what I felt though and I don't have to be rational all the time.
One thing is for sure there's no box - sometimes I'm hyper sensitive, sometimes overly watchful, sometimes even (as noted here) a little panic. I'm trying to learn as I go along - I 'spose same as D but we've got different things to learn.
In the calm after the storm having somewhere to share this part of the learning process is a big asset, I'm at peace with making mistakes as long as I learn from them because I sure as hell don't want distressing myself to become a hobby!
One thing is for sure there's no box - sometimes I'm hyper sensitive, sometimes overly watchful, sometimes even (as noted here) a little panic. I'm trying to learn as I go along - I 'spose same as D but we've got different things to learn.
In the calm after the storm having somewhere to share this part of the learning process is a big asset, I'm at peace with making mistakes as long as I learn from them because I sure as hell don't want distressing myself to become a hobby!
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I think you handled it just fine. Keeping things separate doesn't mean not sharing them. You recognized that it was your feelings, which belong to you, not him making you distressed. That's where the separation comes in. I think it's a very healthy thing to be able to share your own feelings with your spouse without either of you making it into something it isn't. (i.e. a problem with him)
JMO,
L
JMO,
L
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I think we did ok - it was quite sweet really, like the pair of us figuring out if the bomb had been difused and all was safe!
I don't know if this is healthy but sometimes I feel as though it's the very root of us that talks to each other - the part that doesn't change from 8yrs or so on. Often I think we're like a pair of children together - maybe it's knowing if we'd known each other as kids some stuff wouldn't have changed between us - like figuring if something's safe.
I don't know if this is healthy but sometimes I feel as though it's the very root of us that talks to each other - the part that doesn't change from 8yrs or so on. Often I think we're like a pair of children together - maybe it's knowing if we'd known each other as kids some stuff wouldn't have changed between us - like figuring if something's safe.
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Not that this is as insightful as you all have posted but...
When my son was younger we were at the grocery store and
he saw some root beer (ICU, I think it's called can't remember)
in brown bottles with caps on them. It was actually as expensive
as beer come to think of it, but on sale so I bought it for him. When we got home
he opened one up and started drinking it....he said "aahhhh good stuff."
I am sure he had heard some adult at one of our outdoor BBQ's say that
once or twice.....Me thinks the idea of being a grown up at the age of 9
was the appeal of the brown root beer bottles...
When my son was younger we were at the grocery store and
he saw some root beer (ICU, I think it's called can't remember)
in brown bottles with caps on them. It was actually as expensive
as beer come to think of it, but on sale so I bought it for him. When we got home
he opened one up and started drinking it....he said "aahhhh good stuff."
I am sure he had heard some adult at one of our outdoor BBQ's say that
once or twice.....Me thinks the idea of being a grown up at the age of 9
was the appeal of the brown root beer bottles...
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: novato, ca
Posts: 181
Rootbeer = Sarsaparilla... "a sweet carbonated beverage flavored with sassafras."
I think living with an alcoholic probably causes some post traumatic stress in most of us and a "beer" bottle could easily be a trigger for anxiety under under the circumstances. After all we go through with the alcoholics in out lives, the least they can do is be understanding when our fears get triggered. Being able to talk about the things we're going through in our relationships is what makes them healthy. I bet you would have started practicing more "detachment" if the conversation hadn't been going well.
I think living with an alcoholic probably causes some post traumatic stress in most of us and a "beer" bottle could easily be a trigger for anxiety under under the circumstances. After all we go through with the alcoholics in out lives, the least they can do is be understanding when our fears get triggered. Being able to talk about the things we're going through in our relationships is what makes them healthy. I bet you would have started practicing more "detachment" if the conversation hadn't been going well.
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After all we go through with the alcoholics in out lives, the least they can do is be understanding when our fears get triggered.
If the conversation hadn't gone well then there'd have been two instead of one thing to figure out, but I reckon we'd have got there.
You know until this last year or so I didn't know arguments could turn so easily to discussions! It sure as hell wasn't something my family taught me!
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