LaTeeDa

I’ll do the best I can to keep this short, but it’s kind of a long story. Sorry.

I always do a big Thanksgiving at my house. It’s something I really enjoy. I love to cook and eat. LOL It started with my sister and her family and my aunt and uncle came a few times. It’s my favorite holiday.

Anyway, about 3 or 4 years ago, my mom and stepdad had heard all about it from everyone and so they sort of invited themselves. They have come every year since, and it’s become a given that they will attend. They live over 1000 miles away, so they come for the whole week.

My mom and aunt (her sister) don’t get along very well, so ever since mom started coming, aunt and uncle don’t. This bums me out because I am much closer to my aunt than my mom due to being raised in an alcoholic home (my dad was the alcoholic) and mom was never there for me. In fact, she has never been there for me as an adult, either. She and my stepdad are terrible houseguests. They get cranky because they are accustomed to eating dinner at 5:00pm and we don’t usually eat till 7:00pm. They like to watch TV all the time, we prefer conversation, board games, whatever. They act bored just hanging around the house (especially if the TV is off) and always want to go somewhere and do something. I work 40 hours a week and have a very busy life, so the week of Thanksgiving is a treat for me cause I get to hang around the house and just be domestic.

So, because of therapy and self-realization, I am becoming aware of all the resentment I have towards my mom. I am thinking of “uninviting” them for Thanksgiving.

I haven’t decided what to do yet, and obviously have a long time before I have to, but here is the dilemma. Should I just suck it up and put up with them for one week out of the entire year? I mean, it’s good for my kids to see their grandparents even if I really don’t enjoy having them, right? If I decide I don’t want them to come, how best to approach it without causing a big rift?

I would be okay with them coming some other time than Thanksgiving. I just feel like they have invaded my favorite holiday and as a result, it’s not as much fun for me. I talked to my sister and she has told me that she has no problem with them not coming. I don’t know if my aunt and uncle would come, because they live in the same town as my mom and that might cause some issues with them. I would be perfectly happy if just my sister and her family came.

So, I’m putting my conundrum out here because I know there are so many wise and helpful people here. Any thoughts?

L

ilovebdj

If you are closer with your aunt and enjoy that company more, I don't see why you should feel bad about wanting them to come. Also, if you are healing yourself, this means you know what you want and can be clear about it. If doing a whole week of your mom sounds draining to you, then don't do it. It's your house, it's your Thanksgiving.

Now as far as how to uninvite them, I haven't the faintest! Maybe scan the Miss Manners articles......because that could be a sticky one!

If you're having the "guilts", you could always alternate years....but I guess that would be an unhealthy way out of it. If you only want to invite certain people, I say it's totally your right to do so. Like you said, it's a treat for you too and you get to be domesticated and chill out and just dig into leftovers. You should be able to enjoy this holiday too, not dread it.

I love Thanksgiving too......Good luck!

mallowcup

I suppose there are two ways to look at it. One school of thought may be to put a foot down without apology. It's your house and they are ruining it. Their company isn't enjoyed, it's tolerated. You could invite them to come for Christmas or another holiday. You'd have to be direct telling them you want to ENJOY seeing all of your relatives and you don't enjoy the tension, some might think it's a good idea for you to be honest. I guess the other school of thought would be to carry on this way and just invite the Aunt and Uncle for Christmas or another holiday. I guess I'd have to say, I think it might be a very theraputic thing for you to uninvite your mother politely but without retracting.

ilovebdj

One more thing...according to Emily Post (she's kind of like a Miss Manners)...

"The guest needs to adapt to the host's lifestyle...."

Just a thought.....xoxo

LaTeeDa

Yes, exactly. If this were a friend I was talking about, she would never be invited back. But, it's my mom. Plus, I never invited her, she just assumed she was welcome.

I am really leaning towards uninviting them. But I need to make sure I don't cause a bigger problem by doing so. (i.e. making my kids angry or some other unexpected consequence.) *sigh*

GettingFree

Over the last few years I've been learning how to redraw my family. I've been learning to articulate more and more what I enjoy, what I don't, what is additive to my life, and what takes away from my life. I'm learning to place a higher value on what I want. I've decided that pretending has less and less of a place in my life. And I've really begun to move away from making choices based on a sense of obligation.

I think you're doing a great job of identifying what it is that you want, and what gives you a better quality of life. I'd encourage you to continue to move towards what feels healthy and gives you more in your life.

best
gf

CarolD

Pack up the clan and go visit them.

LaTeeDa

Oh, don't even get me started on what goes on when we go visit them! Uhhhhhhhhh, no.

L

megamysterioso

Hey LTD. I feel for your position here and would hate to think that YOUR favorite holiday is being ruined. It is YOUR home and you have the right to have anyone over that you please during that time. You also have the right to have a peaceful and relaxing time! But, I don't think you can possibly "uninvite" them w/o causing a huge rift.

I would talk to the kids first and see how they feel about it. It will give you insight on how important they view them being there each year. If it is important to them, is it possible for you to talk to your mom about what bothers you about their visits? I realize that you cannot really ask them to be "different people" when they are there! That would not work lol.

That's a tough position you're in. Keep us posted on how it goes.

LaTeeDa

Here's what I'm thinking. I will tell them that I want to take a "break" from their Thanksgiving visits this year. I am not uninviting them for good, but will let them know (via an invitation) if I want them to come next year. I will also let them know that they can come another time if they want, even a different holiday, such as Christmas for this year. If that causes a rift, then so be it. I did talk to my kids and they will not be disappointed because their cousins will still be there, and that's who they really like to see anyway.

And maybe by Thanksgiving 2007, I will have done enough therapy and healed enough to not let them get under my skin. LOL

megamysterioso

Sounds like a plan LTD!!! Your wishes are your wishes and they SHOULD understand that and not take offense. I think you're being very kind to open the door for them during some other holiday. If they can't take it, so be it. You deserve to have FUN and enjoy yourself in your own home. I hope they are adult about it.

LaTeeDa

Hope all you want! My mother has never been an adult. Hahahahahahahahaha!

L