NoDoubt

I actually had a good weekend. On Saturday my huaband told me that he wouldn't drink at all that day. And, that he planned on waking on Sunday and telling himself that he wouldn't drink that day either, and so on.... Well, usually Saturdays are spent drinking JD from his truck or somewhere other than our house (a bar? sitting in his truck at a park?) and Sundays are spent with him telling me that 'it's not such a big deal'. Well I finally expressed to him that I am falling apart. I can no longer live walking on egg shells all weekend long and most week nights. I didn't threaten to leave him but did tell him that I need to make myself happy and living this way was not doing it for me (or my children).
I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. Hopefully, he can do this for himself.
I started AlAnon last week and plan on going back again this week.
Hopefully, next weekend is as good as this one.
jmm

matters

Hi jmm!

Your doing good things for you by going to Alanon and coming here. Just focus on you and the kids! I know it is hard. My husband is going to AA and stays sober for a few days and then drinks again. I keep praying for him, but also keep telling myself NOT to say anything to him about his drinking. It has been about 2 weeks since I told him anything and as each day goes by it gets easier. He is the one responsible for his own actions, not me.

I'm focusing on what I need to do for myself. I need to go ride my stationary bike before I go to work now.

My prayers are with you,
matters

JT

I think what you told your husband was great! No ultimatums...just how you feel. I told my husband once that I would not leave right now but I would not live this way forever.

Go to your meetings> you do your thing and let him do his for now. In time with recovery more answers will come.

Hugs,
JT

NoDoubt

matters - how do you not say anything about his drinking? I have such a hard time biting my tongue. I don't ever get aggressive about it but I need to talk. I want him to talk, but he doesn't do that willingly.

Luckly, things seem to be going well. But, I have a need to ask him how he's coping. We both quit smoking on Jan 1st and are doing well. I feel I can ask him about that because I have been batteling that addition as well. But, I think it is better not to address drinking. I can't imagine that I will be able to stay quite if he drinks again (I am saying "if" because I'm hoping that it doesn't happen again).

OK. Better go. Have to start getting the kids to bed.
Thanks!!!
jmm

EmotionalMeg

jmm,
The best thing about all of this is not so much that HE was sober this weekend, but that YOU practiced taking care of yourself! woo hoo! I am so glad to hear that you went to alanon... I truly hope that the power of self-recovery begins to sink in for you. It sounds like the both of you are heading in the right direction.
One thing to remember... If he uses again, please don't give up on YOUR recovery. For so long, I went to my meetings as a "support" for him. And every time he drank, I lost faith in alanon. It took me a long time to turn my focus inward. As soon as I realized it was MY program, miraculous things happened!
I am happy that this weekend brought peace to your family.
My thoughts are with both of you,
Take care,
Meg

matters

Hi jmm,

I used to lecture and sound like the flip side of the broken record I was hearing him play. He goes on and on about the same old sad story when he was drinking. He would tell me that I was not his mother. Did I feel better after I lectured? NO! While I was doing it, or getting mad, or just getting ready to explode never lasts. Now I am taking all that wasted energy that I used toward him and using it for ME, MYSELF, and I!!! I am worth so much more.He will do what he wants regardless what I wish for him to do. By not saying a word to him about his drinking I have found more peace. Believe me, it is hard, but like I said it gets easier as time goes by. Granted, I have been married to this man for 25 yrs. I so wish I had started practicing this years ago. I have missed out on alot of ME.

I pray and hope for my husband to have continued sobriety, but it seems like that is a struggle he has not mastered yet. The days that he is sober are cherished because lately he had a week of being drunk everynight.

Take care,
matters

NoDoubt

Thank you both. You both seem so strong. It sounds as though you have been through and are still going through a lot. I am just worried that even if I work on being happy and helping my kids be happy that if he drinks again and again that happiness is not completely real. I don't know if this is making sense. But living in a house with someone you love and loves you is great. But when this person can become so self absorbed when they drink then it will effect everyone no matter how hard the rest of us try to be happy.
Does that make sense?
jmm

hopper

jmm,
I know this is tough but your husband is fighting a disease which has total control over him. Don't ignore his drinking but try to be compassionate (which I'm sure you are). How would you treat him if he were sick? Same thing here, it's a soul sickness. Trust me, I have it too, been in AA for 16 months now. All I know is that I am much closer to my next drink than my last one.

NoDoubt

grasshopper,
good for you!! Stay strong!
I understand that it is a disease. Actually, it appears as though he still hasn't had a drink (over a week now). But, he is very distant. In his own world. Only reacting when necessary (when spoken directly to or when our kids annoy him). Is this part of the process? I have told him that I love him and I am here to help, to talk to. But he insists he has nothing to talk about. He is fine. I am trying. I just don't want to do or say the wrong thing and give him an excuse to drink.
jmm

hopper

jmm,
He's fighting a demon and can't do it alone. Hopefully he will find his way to an AA meeting. Alcohol had total control over me and I know that I was distant too. Pray for him to find the strenght which will lead him to AA. I will pray for him too. It does help. You have told him that you are available for him if he want's to talk or needs help. That's all you can do. No one can lead him to a drink but himself. You would not be responsible for this and you have to believe this. We never use the word FINE in AA. It stands for F$%(-up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional.....or Feelings In Need of Expression.
Stay strong!

NoDoubt

grasshopper,
Thank you. I plan on saying an extra prayer today. He has to go to a wake (an elderly neighbor). He doesn't handle wakes well (in the past I guess they may have been excuses to drink). Now that I know what 'FINE' stands for I will cringe when he says it. Although, maybe I should just refrain from asking him how he is feeling and that will take care of that.
jmm