Some long and overdue resolution from the past (long, as usual)
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Some long and overdue resolution from the past (long, as usual)
In an 'unsuccessful effort' to make a long story short, I'll do my best to cut to the chase.
Recently I've begun reliving some very painful childhood memories. To put it mildly, I don't particularly care for how I was raised. How I was treated as a child led me to other toxic relationships as an adult. In trying to understand my adult relationships and choices I've made, everything led back to my childhood.
For the past 15-20 years or so, I 'thought' I had forgiven my parents for their harshness, emotional unavailability, cruelty, and abusiveness, both verbal and physical. What I realilzed recently is, no, I hadn't forgiven....I just blocked the feelings I had and buried them under the pretense of forgiveness. BIG difference. I was so proud of myself thinking, "aren't I mature? My parents treated me like dirt at times and I forgive them, it doesn't bother me anymore...on with my life". Yeah, I moved on with my life alright, and the pain and unresolved feelings came right along with me every step of the way. I made a mess out of my life as a result. I realized it was all a coping / safety mechanism I guess. I wasn't ready, nor was I strong enough to think I would live through revisiting the past.
Additionally, as a young child, I was always so afraid they would die and this carried over to adulthood. What if I said something that upset them and Dad had another heart attack, or, my Mom fell further away in her alzheimers? The guilt of me having ill feelings towards them and the potential 'feared' consequences was too much to bear.
I loved them, I didn't want to lose them, but I feared them too. It's hard and a lot to deal with loving and fearing someone at the same time. Essentially I suffered because I loved them (sound familiar folks???)!!!
Well, those feelings came back with a vengence...all the anger, then the pain, then the fear, the questions. It was no longer a choice to hide what I was feeling. It was coming out whether I wanted to face it or not. I guess all the work that I have done on myself in the past year was eventually going to lead me to this and it was preparing me to deal with it, finally.
Those childhood hurts and memories felt as if they just happened yesterday. Initially I wasn't sure why I had to 'feel' those bad feelings again. I couldn't do anything about it, couldn't change it, and, I could no longer 'pretend' that they never happened either! I finally figured out that that was it....I had to FEEL it. I had to FEEL everything I had stuffed away as a small child, as a teenager, and as a young adult. I had to admit it hurt, it was unfair, it was wrong....etc. I had to own my feelings about it. It was safe now to ask, why did you hit and yell at me when I had a nightmare when I was 3? Why did you beat the crap out of me until I peed in my pants out of fear when I was 8 for not doing my homework on time? Why???? Was I really that bad??? Was I that unloveable? Was I such a burden to you and the family? Didn't I matter, at all?? I had to work very hard to heal that within me for myself, and by myself. Some may say that's trivial childhood 'stuff'. Doesn't matter if it matters to anyone else or not 'cause it mattered to me!
While going through this process, I felt guilty because I had to pull away from my parents. The visual of their name on my caller ID was enough to evoke feelings of extreme anger. I thought to myself, "you're calling because you need something of me. Well, I needed something when I was a child too, but you weren't there for me. So, why should I be there for you now"? Not proud of feeling that way, but, it's truly the way I felt. I returned their phone calls when I know they won't be home and leave a message, drop things off to them when I know they're not home, etc. Cleaned their home when I knew they wouldn't be there, etc. Yes, I had to work out my feelings, but not at their expense. For me to do it at their expense would be just as wrong for them dealing with things at my expense when I was a child. Let me tell you, it's hard to be that angry with someone and still try to maintain a sense of handling it correctly; without taking it out on them. Talk about a challenge!!!! I'm not saying I handled it all correctly, but, I did not take out my anger on them, although in my opinion, they were certainly deserving of it.
Well, through counseling, and my willingness to feel what I had blocked for so many years, now I'm finally reaping the benefits of healing. Yesterday, Mother's Day was an example. I had them over my place for dinner, as we all expected I would. It was the 'daughterly' thing to do. I got my Mom a card and a few gifts, wrapped them in pretty purple paper and ribbons, which she liked, made her a pork dinner, got her a cake that they both reallly like, etc. I made an effort to give her things that she would like. She commented on how much she like everything. Note: My Mom has alzheimers, so this was a biggie!!
Several clues that I handled things the right way with this unpleasant trip down memory lane are....1. when I bought the pork from the store for my Mom's dinner, it wrang up without the sale price, so according to store policy when things don't ring up at the correct price, you get it for free. So, I got a $13.00 pork tenderloin roast for FREE!!! 2. My Mom commented positively on the gifts and the color choice for the paper they were wrapped in. 3. My Father was helpful with dinner preparation without taking over and doing it the 'right way' according to him because I was doing it 'my way' and according to him 'my way' is the wrong way!!! [B]4) When they got home they called to thank me for a wonderful Mother's Day, and, that I made it special for her. GULP....knot tied in throat!!!
Maybe they put extra effort into yesterday as well. I think they've recognized my absence in their lives, and I'm sure all sorts of strange things must have crossed their minds as to why. I don't think they have a clue that my issues with them from the past was the reason, and I prefer to keep it that way, for their sake.
It was rewarding to work through all that crap. Is it finally put to bed, never to be revisited? I certainly hope so, but time will tell.
All I can say is that I'm glad I'm able to resume my relationship with my parents and appreciate them for who they are, now. My Dad will ALWAYS be controlling and punishing, that will never change. But, I have choices now. I can always pull back when I need to. I HAVE CHOICES!!!
Yesterday, Mother's Day, was a good day....not only for the Mother, but the child, namely me! I've learned that my childhood will probably always hold some painful memories for me. However, I don't have to let the rest of my life and my choices be dictated by that any more. For me, that's a huge step!
Finally, some of the threads here in the past several months were the catalyst to me getting to this point by bringing these issues into my conscious mind. I know I've eluded to my childhood issues here and there. I'm sure to some it sounded like I was having a 'pity, poor me party'. And perhaps I was to a degree. But more importantly, those were the first steps I was able to take in dealing with and hopefully resolving some of these painful childhood issues.
So thank you for helping me to have a safe place here to express those feelings that scared me for so long. Feeling safe expressing myself here gave me the courage to look much deeper within myself. I'm a better person because of it, and because of all of you. I've always said that the folks here at SR are the greatest. This is just another fine example of that.
Recently I've begun reliving some very painful childhood memories. To put it mildly, I don't particularly care for how I was raised. How I was treated as a child led me to other toxic relationships as an adult. In trying to understand my adult relationships and choices I've made, everything led back to my childhood.
For the past 15-20 years or so, I 'thought' I had forgiven my parents for their harshness, emotional unavailability, cruelty, and abusiveness, both verbal and physical. What I realilzed recently is, no, I hadn't forgiven....I just blocked the feelings I had and buried them under the pretense of forgiveness. BIG difference. I was so proud of myself thinking, "aren't I mature? My parents treated me like dirt at times and I forgive them, it doesn't bother me anymore...on with my life". Yeah, I moved on with my life alright, and the pain and unresolved feelings came right along with me every step of the way. I made a mess out of my life as a result. I realized it was all a coping / safety mechanism I guess. I wasn't ready, nor was I strong enough to think I would live through revisiting the past.
Additionally, as a young child, I was always so afraid they would die and this carried over to adulthood. What if I said something that upset them and Dad had another heart attack, or, my Mom fell further away in her alzheimers? The guilt of me having ill feelings towards them and the potential 'feared' consequences was too much to bear.
I loved them, I didn't want to lose them, but I feared them too. It's hard and a lot to deal with loving and fearing someone at the same time. Essentially I suffered because I loved them (sound familiar folks???)!!!
Well, those feelings came back with a vengence...all the anger, then the pain, then the fear, the questions. It was no longer a choice to hide what I was feeling. It was coming out whether I wanted to face it or not. I guess all the work that I have done on myself in the past year was eventually going to lead me to this and it was preparing me to deal with it, finally.
Those childhood hurts and memories felt as if they just happened yesterday. Initially I wasn't sure why I had to 'feel' those bad feelings again. I couldn't do anything about it, couldn't change it, and, I could no longer 'pretend' that they never happened either! I finally figured out that that was it....I had to FEEL it. I had to FEEL everything I had stuffed away as a small child, as a teenager, and as a young adult. I had to admit it hurt, it was unfair, it was wrong....etc. I had to own my feelings about it. It was safe now to ask, why did you hit and yell at me when I had a nightmare when I was 3? Why did you beat the crap out of me until I peed in my pants out of fear when I was 8 for not doing my homework on time? Why???? Was I really that bad??? Was I that unloveable? Was I such a burden to you and the family? Didn't I matter, at all?? I had to work very hard to heal that within me for myself, and by myself. Some may say that's trivial childhood 'stuff'. Doesn't matter if it matters to anyone else or not 'cause it mattered to me!
While going through this process, I felt guilty because I had to pull away from my parents. The visual of their name on my caller ID was enough to evoke feelings of extreme anger. I thought to myself, "you're calling because you need something of me. Well, I needed something when I was a child too, but you weren't there for me. So, why should I be there for you now"? Not proud of feeling that way, but, it's truly the way I felt. I returned their phone calls when I know they won't be home and leave a message, drop things off to them when I know they're not home, etc. Cleaned their home when I knew they wouldn't be there, etc. Yes, I had to work out my feelings, but not at their expense. For me to do it at their expense would be just as wrong for them dealing with things at my expense when I was a child. Let me tell you, it's hard to be that angry with someone and still try to maintain a sense of handling it correctly; without taking it out on them. Talk about a challenge!!!! I'm not saying I handled it all correctly, but, I did not take out my anger on them, although in my opinion, they were certainly deserving of it.
Well, through counseling, and my willingness to feel what I had blocked for so many years, now I'm finally reaping the benefits of healing. Yesterday, Mother's Day was an example. I had them over my place for dinner, as we all expected I would. It was the 'daughterly' thing to do. I got my Mom a card and a few gifts, wrapped them in pretty purple paper and ribbons, which she liked, made her a pork dinner, got her a cake that they both reallly like, etc. I made an effort to give her things that she would like. She commented on how much she like everything. Note: My Mom has alzheimers, so this was a biggie!!
Several clues that I handled things the right way with this unpleasant trip down memory lane are....1. when I bought the pork from the store for my Mom's dinner, it wrang up without the sale price, so according to store policy when things don't ring up at the correct price, you get it for free. So, I got a $13.00 pork tenderloin roast for FREE!!! 2. My Mom commented positively on the gifts and the color choice for the paper they were wrapped in. 3. My Father was helpful with dinner preparation without taking over and doing it the 'right way' according to him because I was doing it 'my way' and according to him 'my way' is the wrong way!!! [B]4) When they got home they called to thank me for a wonderful Mother's Day, and, that I made it special for her. GULP....knot tied in throat!!!
Maybe they put extra effort into yesterday as well. I think they've recognized my absence in their lives, and I'm sure all sorts of strange things must have crossed their minds as to why. I don't think they have a clue that my issues with them from the past was the reason, and I prefer to keep it that way, for their sake.
It was rewarding to work through all that crap. Is it finally put to bed, never to be revisited? I certainly hope so, but time will tell.
All I can say is that I'm glad I'm able to resume my relationship with my parents and appreciate them for who they are, now. My Dad will ALWAYS be controlling and punishing, that will never change. But, I have choices now. I can always pull back when I need to. I HAVE CHOICES!!!
Yesterday, Mother's Day, was a good day....not only for the Mother, but the child, namely me! I've learned that my childhood will probably always hold some painful memories for me. However, I don't have to let the rest of my life and my choices be dictated by that any more. For me, that's a huge step!
Finally, some of the threads here in the past several months were the catalyst to me getting to this point by bringing these issues into my conscious mind. I know I've eluded to my childhood issues here and there. I'm sure to some it sounded like I was having a 'pity, poor me party'. And perhaps I was to a degree. But more importantly, those were the first steps I was able to take in dealing with and hopefully resolving some of these painful childhood issues.
So thank you for helping me to have a safe place here to express those feelings that scared me for so long. Feeling safe expressing myself here gave me the courage to look much deeper within myself. I'm a better person because of it, and because of all of you. I've always said that the folks here at SR are the greatest. This is just another fine example of that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
icu - thank you for sharing that! i am just now getting into these issues in my codependent group and i know until i examine this stuff and deal with it i will be "stuck" in my recovery. it's not trivial - it certainly is part of us and how we learned to function as an adult. thank you, thank you!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Sure sounds to me as if you're doing a great job of sorting these things out in your own mind AND putting it to practice in your interactions with them. 
This gets me thinking about unresolved issues with my own Father I need to sort through. Thanks for the post!
This gets me thinking about unresolved issues with my own Father I need to sort through. Thanks for the post!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Thanks Minnie, Christie, and Jazz.
This was such a huge 'biggie' for me. I know I had to go through this, and am better off for it. It feels right...."I" feel right. I'm actually getting excited about my life (I sound like a Dr. Phil'ism' don't I)?
I'm ready to return to work now, it's been a year since my last job. Thank God for the savings I had that got me through this. And thank God too for guiding me through this as well. I credit Him for giving me the wisdom NOT to blatantly punish my parents and hurt them as a result of the process I was going through. I'm sure they felt some pain for my lack of presence in their lives recently, but aside from that, there were no angry words or outbursts on my part. I'm grateful for that and for handling them as lovingly as possible, and at the same time, loving myself enough to go through this.
I can't even find the words to express the sense of 'release' that I feel.
This was such a huge 'biggie' for me. I know I had to go through this, and am better off for it. It feels right...."I" feel right. I'm actually getting excited about my life (I sound like a Dr. Phil'ism' don't I)?
I'm ready to return to work now, it's been a year since my last job. Thank God for the savings I had that got me through this. And thank God too for guiding me through this as well. I credit Him for giving me the wisdom NOT to blatantly punish my parents and hurt them as a result of the process I was going through. I'm sure they felt some pain for my lack of presence in their lives recently, but aside from that, there were no angry words or outbursts on my part. I'm grateful for that and for handling them as lovingly as possible, and at the same time, loving myself enough to go through this.
I can't even find the words to express the sense of 'release' that I feel.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
What an amazing post!! I can't speak for you but I know when I let myself treat and feel towards my parents in the way I believe family should behave rather than what I felt they 'deserved' a real weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt free to be me, the me I want to be, the me I believe in, and free from having to judge them as human beings.
Things can and do still erk me now and again, but gone are the days of it rotting away inside.
Blat!! just my longwinded way of saying I agree with you it's a biggie... HUGE! And all good!
Things can and do still erk me now and again, but gone are the days of it rotting away inside.
Blat!! just my longwinded way of saying I agree with you it's a biggie... HUGE! And all good!
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
What you're going through is a re-run of my life and those issues that I thougth I'd overcome.
One difference, my grandparents are both dead and I went though my pain, anger and pent-up emotions with only the help of my therapist. My grandmother was the ringleader and heartache in my life. They raised me after my mother died.
Good news...I am now able to think of her and past episodes without the pain. Yeah, some resentment still lingers, but that's normal. One decision I did make while in therapy in regard to grandparents is that I would have severed all ties with them. Because I knew they wouldn't understand where I was coming from and would have a blast with making fun of me and putting me down.
Keep up the good work.
One difference, my grandparents are both dead and I went though my pain, anger and pent-up emotions with only the help of my therapist. My grandmother was the ringleader and heartache in my life. They raised me after my mother died.
Good news...I am now able to think of her and past episodes without the pain. Yeah, some resentment still lingers, but that's normal. One decision I did make while in therapy in regard to grandparents is that I would have severed all ties with them. Because I knew they wouldn't understand where I was coming from and would have a blast with making fun of me and putting me down.
Keep up the good work.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
ICU- thank you for sharing such an inspirational post. Your journey sounds like it has been so long and very tough. I can only imagine the sense of peace and calm you must feel now that everything has been brought up to the surface and worked through. Your recovery is remarkable and it is proof that in life, nothing is ever hopeless. I'm so happy for you and I'm happy you got to spend a good day with your parents yesterday.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I want to add my thanks to you for posting this. I have been digging deeper into those places within myself as well. And I, too, thought that all those things were "put to bed." I'm starting to see how that anger and fear from childhood played such a part in my adult life. It seems that just when I need to hear something, someone here says it.
Thanks again,
L
Thanks again,
L
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