MySecret

please help, my husband is going to do outpatient dettox in the next week or so hes very clingy and emotional, I am being suppotive as I can but keeping my distance.

I dont know what is going to happen with is in the future, if you ask me honestly now id say its over, unless something dramaic changes or the hurt and distrust goes away. Anyway my mum said try not to talk about "us" to much but I have told him I am making no promises regarding us and he should concentrate on himself as I am doing with myself, I suppose its harder for him as he doesnt like himself very much or have any self worth, but today he said to me I am truly sorry that you distrust me so much it makes me very sad, I thought we were getting somewhere but I guess we wont until I am off the booze. and im like arggggggggggghhhhhhh is he listening to what im saying, im saying we might be over please dont pin hopes on gettting of booze and thinking we will be ok???? I mean how clearer do I have to make it, so I told him straight that it goes further than getting of booze and I dont know if what I feel will ever go away, I do love him but that isnt enough....

Do you think I am right to tell him straigh as I dont think hes listening?? or maybe he doesnt want to hear the truth as it scares him, and I understand this but its stressing me out, I dont want to kick a dog when hes down but last thing I want him to do is do this dettox thinking im going to be running back into his arms after it?? what do you think I should say/do?

reader

Hi Jen, I think it is great that his is taking a step in the right direction. I hope going into detox will help him get sober. How long is the detox program? I understand your fear of having false hope but all you can do is focus on you while he is in detox. I aggree with your Mom don't add additional stress to the situation by worring about the future of the relationship. I will say a prayer that he is able to remain sober after detox. Just remember one day at a time. With Love, Kerry

megamysterioso

Hi ((Jen)). I think you are totally doing the right thing by being as honest with him about your feelings as possible. If he is only getting sober for the sake of "winning you back", you know that his recovery will be unsuccessful. He needs to understand this for himself. You've already told him everything he needs to know and it doesn't sound like you're giving him any false hope. There's really not much else you can do. Hopefully, the center that he is going to will help to put those types of things into perspective for him. I've heard that many recovery programs will tell the A upfront that the relationship is secondary to recovery. They try to direct the focus more to self-recovery rather than any ulterior motives for them being there. I hope that makes sense.

As for you, while he is away, continue to focus on your own recovery and do not allow yourself to get sidetracked with all the "what ifs" that may eventually spring to mind. Just take this thing one day at a time. After he's in there for some time, his attitude and thoughts may change drastically. There is just no way of knowing at this point. You have done well in telling him how you feel. He'll either swallow that or not in due time. Good luck.

MySecret

aww thanks kerry, I appreciate that very much

he is doing a outpatient one, the dettox lasts a week then he goes every week for 3 atfernoons week for therpy etc, its not ideal tbh but he would have had to wait two months to go to the inpatient one, and this one he can do straight away as well as still maintain his job who have been very supportive, so that is what he wants to do?? I do hope its the right choice.
love jen x

Cynay

Hi there...

Well, it is his choice... unfortunally being his wife its a struggle for you too.

I think its great that your honest with him and tell him upfront. All you can do is work on yourself and just keep repeating to him what you feel... hopefully once he is in detox and therpy his focus will change to his recovery.

Hang strong hon