mallowcup

Would it be possible to get your son to a meeting with other kids. He has his own issues with all of this. He has dad issues and mom issues. So much is going on that he can't do anything about. Now he has openly been used as an arrow for your bow, a ping to your husbands pong.

equus

Christina, I do believe you love your son very much and want the best for him. You provide all his nurturing and support, all his parenting, you're proud of him which I think is so important for kids - even priceless.

I think for you to act to cause harm and hurt in your son's name is a reflection of something that's begining to go very wrong. I'm glad you confessed to him, glad for you because these things invariabley are discovered and glad for him in giving him the choice what you should do about it.

I believe any posistive you recieved from this such as is outweighed by having removed so much trust from your son's primary parent, caregiver and support. I think you are wrong to say you needed it, you wanted it, you sought it, but you would have survived without it and the ends can't begin to justify the means.

It's because I really do believe in the love you have for your son and just how much you care about his best interests that I think perhaps you should consider more (not instead of) than just 12 step answers. I personally believe alcoholism is a disease but the word disease doesn't over take human responsibility, all my thinking and all the means by which I explain mine and other's behaviours. Disease is only disease, it isn't everything.

I think perhaps it would help to look at things more simply for a while. By your own explainations you did what you did out of anger and pain, so perhaps that is what you could look at in order to become the person you want to be. Would you consider signing up for an anger management course? Anger is a part of your life and you've acknowledged it led you to act in a way that truly harms those you love - perhaps being more in control of it would be a real benefit to you.

Your love and caring for your son, your pride in him and your admiration of the person he's becoming are all as real as this incident and are all positives. I'm not sure continuing to increase the your focus on disease are going to help. You've been doing that for a while now and I question whether that alone is working.

I'm not suggesting you should stop al-anon (just to clarify) but I think it could be really healthy for you to recieve some influences in your life that don't centre round disease as you've come to percieve it. Perhaps an assertiveness course at a local college? Anger management? Or a personal development course - anything that's got some structure and eveidence but that doesn't centre on diseases.

On the one hand you are such a positive parent, yet on the other I don't want to downplay the consequences of what's happened - it may take a great deal of time to rebuild what trust you can and in the meantime your son has to some extent lost his trusted confidant.

megamysterioso

(((Christina))) I'm sorry that the stress in your life led you to feel compelled to do such a thing. You are only human though and everyone makes mistakes. I've done some pretty rotten things regarding "handling" my AH as well. That's part of OUR OWN sickness. You have admitted this and are making ammends. Don't beat yourself too much over it, but work on rebuilding the trust between you and your son first and foremost. Prayers are coming your way .

jlo34

FriendofBill,
I'm responding without reading all the other replies. I am so sorry you are feeling so much pain. I am so sorry that your son is also feeling so much pain. It's sick and sad to hear from the people that are directly affected by drinking. I'm in recovery and I pray that I will not have to torture my family like you and your son are being tortured. Really makes me grateful to be sober, just for today.

Lots of prayers and blessings your way,
Jen

jlo34

Having finally read through everything...no one is going to kick your bum harder than you. You've made the amends - be done. Talk with your son. Feelings - dig them out if you need to. It's hard healing from abuse...sounds like you and your son have endured a lot of abuse. Heal together.

My eldest daughter is 9.5. Her father and I seperated when she was 1.5 and then divorced when she was 2.5. Though he is a recovering alcoholic x 14ish years, he has chosen NOT to work the steps. He is a dry drunk and has a nasty tongue that he uses on both her and I. He is working on yet another divorce and I have been digging into my daughter's heart like crazy lately. Really has brought us close. Then I put her and I into counseling. She and I in the same room; sharing honestly both of our feelings. She feels really safe that way. Safer with me in the room. Wow, that speaks volumes to me. I am so grateful, I've been blessed with sobriety, working the steps, a beautiful life, and a fantastic family.

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you trudge this painful journey. If I were standing in front of you right now, I'd pull you into a big hug and encourage you to cry all your anger and pain away on my shoulder. Same with your son. God bless you, He has forgiven you. I bet your son has too. Sure, there may be some trust issues; but from the sounds of your mothering and the obvious pride and admiration you have for your son, that shouldn't take too awful long to earn that trust back. After all, I'm sure he is able to see what a fantastic mom you are and have been...doing all you can to take care of him, love him, and be a supportive role model for him. Honey, what more can you ask? Ditch, the shame crap. It's over. It's done. You've done your part. You've learned your lesson. So what. You made a mistake. Probably not your first. Probably won't be your last. No one gave me a booklet on how to handle mentally unstable ex-husbands that I stupidly married and now am connected to for at least 8.5 more years!!! No one gave me a booklet on how to "properly" raise my daughter to go through all the pain, chaos, and torture she's had to endure in her short little life. You're doing the best you can, sweetie. You're doing ok. You are ok.

Take a deep breath, relax, and feed yourself with positive thoughts (affirmations).

God bless you darling, my prayers and thoughts are with you and your son.
Jen

Pick-a-name

OT---Jen...thanks for being here and saying what you did; I must have needed to hear that today. I am sobbing....but in a healing way. Thanks.

It is a beautiful thing to see when someone truly is in recovery......and then shares with us family members. A gift.

escape artist

***- what helps me is to write lots of poison letters to the AH, but i don't send them. Some recommend writing them and then burning them. it may seem pointless, but i leave them on the computer-really gives me perspective when i run across one; of how angry i was when i wrote it.

I know how you feel for your son. I feel the same way for my daughters. But I do not try to cover for him or his alcoholic disease- and i am not really able to spare the kids from hearing it either. they are right in the middle of it. as much as i would like to direct all my anger at him for this, i have to concede about my part in it as well. when i get to that point, then i am relieved that i did not send the letter. i would bet your son probably perceives your anger towards his dad anyway, so may not be that surprised. (((((FriendofBill)))))

Pick-a-name

Not that it makes it right, but I would bet your son might also have the same feelings himself.............my children are young adults and they vent the same frustrations from time to time. So do their friends with similar circumstances. It is sad for all these kids. (That is where it is important that they know about the illness of alcoholism and the three c's,etc. It is a sad reality of having an addicted parent.)

mallowcup

I think there's a difference. Our feelings are ones of frustration, anger and hurt, Our kids can feel and say the same things but thats the heartbreaking part. Out of our kids mouths the same words are really prayers.