Need Some Advice
 

Hello all, new to the forum but needing some loving advice.

My husband of three years has finally started the program. Did 30-day rehab and now in sober living. I'm in ALANON and trying to find a sponsor, to work the steps, but reading a lot in the mean time.

My parents and brother wants me to get a divorce ASAP, I know that they don't want to see me hurt anymore, along with my 16 month old son. I'm the one with the successful career, owns the house, etc. However I love my husband, and know I have to take this day by day. I just don't know how to deal with my parents and brother, and their demands of me getting a divorce. They said they would disown me if I don't take their advice, I'm not caving but just want input. To top this off I really don't know if I can trust my husband anymore, but like I said before, one day at a time.

siv, Welcome to Sober Recovery, this is the greatest site ever.

I think Sat and Sun are a bit slower on here, but if you have been reading threads here you know many have been through really bad times, and have lots to share, they will be along in time. Late night rather quiet. (some people take time to sleep I guess) SMILE.

You sound like you can handle things in your life, and make the right decesions for you,
but your family has other ideas, that has to hurt, it all depends on the relationships between all of you. Would you want to share their reasons?? Are they just against any one that drinks, or just your husband?? Or just over protective of you??

I just wanted to say Hi and Welcome, I never had a problem like this, but in certain cases it could really hurt. I adored my parents, guess I was lucky they liked my hubby.
It is your life, none of us ever know if a day will come when we may have to leave or may want to leave, it happens in marriages where no alcohol involved. You said you wouldn't cave, but would be nice if they would wait and see one day at a time. hugs

Welcome!
I suggest you see a lawyer re a legal separation.
That will protect you from future finincial problems.

It also might give your family some comfort.
They are only concerned for you and your child.
Amd for a good reason.:theyareon

Glad to see you are here and are doing Al anon!..:)

Whew! Talk about interference and sticking your nose where it doesn't belong!!!

Having gotten that off my chest, I'm sure your family's motive is honorable and they love you and want what is best for you. However, it's how they are going about it and presenting it to you that I don't particularly care for. It's very controlling if you ask me.

Bottom line, it's your life, your choices, your decision, not theirs! You probably already know that, and deep down, I'm sure they do too!

Make your decision when you are ready and if they stand beside you no matter what you have decided, that would be the best possible scenario!

If they don't stand by you, that speaks volumes doesn't it???

We don't get to pick our family, i.e. who we are related to by blood. But we do get to decide who is 'in our life or not'! Just because they are family doesn't mean they are exempt from that decision. There are a couple of family members I don't speak to any longer. It's a healthy decision for me at this time. At some point, that may change, and I might resume contact. But for today, I think not!

Make your own decisions in your own time, for you will be the one to have to live with whatever you decide. Whatever your family decides is out of your control, just like whatever you decide is out of their control. Or at least that's the way it should be!!!

Oops, almost forgot....welcome to SR!

If my 16 month old grandchild were in a situation that was dangerous, you could count on my big fat nose being in it. Most parents and sibblings don't take such a strong stand without reason. Why do your parents and sibblings feel so strongly, what happened? Can you give us some history regarding your parents and your husbands behavior?

No matter how good your family's intentions are and how strong their reasons, it's your life, not theirs. 'The road to Hell is paved with good intentions' as my dad says, heh.

I am lost to alcohal abuse,my fiance has chosen the addiction over our love and future,I not sure where to turn for my own recovery

welcome michael - you might want to begin a new thread and tell us a bit about yourself and your situation. read the stickies posted at the begging of this section. you will learn that you can't control what the addict in your life does but you can help yourself. have you looked into the al-anon program?

Like others, one of the first questions that goes through my head is to ask if there has been any actual violence, or threat of physical harm or other danger to you or your child during your marriage and is that forming a basis for your parents' insisentence on divorce? That would put their views here in one light, and something you need to really look at in terms of protecting yourself and your child.

However, if there has not been a history of physical danger, but the situation is limited to emotional pain you have suffered, and to the uncertainty about your husband's future recovery, then your parents' concern is understandable, but they really have no place directing your life and threatening you. That must be very painful in itself, and adding on to the pile you already have.

Utlimately you have to learn your own lessons here, in your own time, in your own way. Ultimately you may decide to, indeed, divorce your husband. Ultimately you may decided to stay. But only you can decide that.

You're facing an important and difficult lesson here in boundaries. It can be very hard with interfering families who want to control their adult children's lives. And it's a real lesson in growing up and becoming your own person.

Setting a boundary is about deciding what limits you put on how others will treat you. Just as an example, in this situation, it may mean saying something like "I know you love me and want the best for me. And I know this situation has been difficult for all. However, I have to make my own choices here, in my own time and I am seeking help in order to make the best decisions for me and my child. Your interference and threats in telling me what to do are making things more difficult for me, not less. And I'd like you to stop from directing my life or giving me advice unless I ask you for it. I would really like to have your support as I go through this and figure out what to do, but if you can't support me and let me figure things out on my own, I'll have to accept that and deal with what decisions you make."

And if you do set a clear boundary like this, the tough part is following through. It's hard to learn how to disengage, how to stop and pull out when people want to violate your boundaries, and reset the boundary again. It often takes many many times with family -- they tend to not believe you when you first set a new boundary and will repeat their behavior until it's clear you really are not going to accept it.

Easier said than done. I'm still learning about boundaries and my children are in their teens and early 20s.

best,

gf

Nip It! Nip It in the Butt!
Let him go you deserve better. He will only take you down the same street sooner or later!
Find you a good man,one that will love and nurture you! As you deserve!

Your friend,
John

Hi; glad your husband is getting help,etc. You sound good.......I would also take it day to day, were it me. (Perhaps keep majority of the money in my own account.)

Chances are your family doesn't know much about alcoholism the disease, and even if they do.......maybe they have heard the all the "bad,scarey stuff" from you and it worries them because they love you. That is understandable.

Work your recovery and see what the future brings. I am also sure that as they see your changing actions and attitudes, it will help them with threir own fears.............and that is what it sounds like to me; they are also afraid.

Do what you need to do for you. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't think is right........parents,husband,etc. Good luck to you all!


p.s. I just read what gf said above.......I liked that very much. If it was me, I believe I would probably say something very similar to my family.

Thank you for all your words of Wisdom. No, there hasn't been any physical abuse, he was verbally abusive when he was using. He used/relapsed three times and tried to clean up by himself prior to checking himself into rehab. His been involved in two car accidents and was on a steady case of self distruction. My parents never liked him from the outset, so this was a reason to get him out of the family. They are extremly status driven, and since he didn't have even an undergraduate degree always frowned on our relationship.

Well, there 'ya have it! Have they always been that controlling, or are they just that way while he's been in your life? Something to think about.

My parents are very controlling too; specifically, my Dad. He has brought it to my attention that since I have no man in my life 'taking care of me' and, because I have begun pulling from my retirement savings account to temporarilty get me over a financial hump, I am no longer an acceptable or responsible enough of a person to oversee his medical needs with respect to his living will! I have officially been punished...but only in his mind! He has cut off his nose to spite his face!! Him and my Mom will be the ones to suffer because they replaced my responsibility for their health and well being with my brother whose wife can't wait until they die so they can get the house!!!

It's sad, but, that's his choice! My choice was not to go on welfare or seek any kind of financial aid, or delcare bankruptcy! The situation didn't warrent it.

Like your family, I'm sure my father's motives to some degree are honorable, but it's how they go about it that cancels out any good intention. At least that's the way I see it!

I concur with what others here have said; had physical abuse been an issue, then I would agree with your family's extreme interference.

Be strong in whatever you decide. Your life! Your choices!

Heres the thing, if you want them to butt out and mind their own business, don't call them when he acts up, don't run to their house and don't borrow their money.

This was the first time that I requested their help, since I kicked him out. Never ran to their house, asked for money, or ever burdened them before. However, when you remove your husband from the house I sort of had to tell them.

You have a 16 month old daughter. You were once their 16 month old daughter. I understand that they may be overstepping. I also know what it feels like when one of your children isn't being treated right. They really had no reason to like him. When your daughter comes of age what do you want for her?

ps - an alcohokic will isolate you from all support. They will also make it appear that anyone who shows concern is being nosey. Verbal abuse is abuse and can be very upsetting to a child.

I'm always amazed at people who "prove" they love you by making threats to withhold that love. I refuse to be emotionally manipulated by anyone - alcoholic or not. If I was comfortable with the idea that my actions could result in some family members cutting me off, I'd carry on and live my life.

Only you know if the situation is safe. For the record, telling someone you will disown them if they don't do what you want is also verbal abuse. I wish you all the best. Enjoy your son on this mother's day.

Sorry Denny tough love is the hardest. There are lists of dead women,men and children who stayed in bad situations. I'm glad you've never been put in that position. My children were not accidents. I raised them to make sound judgements and to live up to their potential. A person can't have it both ways. Do you want me in or out of your life? If you bring your situation to my door step, I will address the business on my doorstep. My questions rremain unanswered.

Alcohol manipuates the alcohoic and will reach it tenacles to family, that's why family and friends set boundaries. If cancer were communicable, you wouldn't just sit there and watch it destroy the whole family. Cutting some ties are necessary, no one said it was easy. A bottle of beer will NOT rule my life.