Next Step...moving out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: missouri
Posts: 95
Next Step...moving out
Hello everyone,
I have been reading everyone's posts and life with alcoholism is so very tough whether the alcoholic is using or not.
I posted here around a month ago. My alcoholic husband, who has 18 months sobriety, has been going through some tough times regarding our relationship.
He feels like he needs to work his program harder and cannot do that here. We have been married 3.5 years. He has been going to AA and I have been going to Al Anon.
It has been back and forth he wants to move, we can work it out. First it was monthly, then it gradually got closer. Well, he is moving out tomorrow. He is going to a recovery house.
The logic of this kills me. But in my heart I understand it. He has lost any passion for me. We have been so friendly to each other.
Yuggggghhhhhhh!!!!!! Just this last week, we had some little fights with slightly raised voices. Oh, my word, but did that feel good.
I am glad and sad at the same time. Maybe I can truly detach and get a little dignity back. Because everytime he said we could work it out, there I was just like a starving puppy ready for affection.
Looking back, I realize he lost his passion for our relationship shortly after we were married. I tell you, that saying of God's time and not our time is so right on. I couldn't have done it then.
Of course, no one was really working the 12 steps then.
But for all you people, who stick with it, I admire you and understand your pain and daily struggles. I feel really rejected right now and like I should be stronger and should have detached better.
i guess I did the best I could, I have prayed and prayed. Turned it all over. And feel like such a failure. I will be glad when tomorrow is over. This is all very painful.
It would be so much easier if we were screaming at each other I think. It is so hard to watch him pack his stuff and be nice to him and he is nice to me. It is so fake and not real feeling.
I wanted to thank everyone for posting so I could see I am not alone and necessarily don't have it so bad, when I can't get ahold of anyone on the phone or to a meeting.
I am so grateful that I found this board. It is really a God send.
I hope he can grow stronger in his program without me holding him back. (That is the message I have gotten.) I can't help but feel sorry for myself a little. I have to be really nice to me and not beat myself up.
Thanks.
I have been reading everyone's posts and life with alcoholism is so very tough whether the alcoholic is using or not.
I posted here around a month ago. My alcoholic husband, who has 18 months sobriety, has been going through some tough times regarding our relationship.
He feels like he needs to work his program harder and cannot do that here. We have been married 3.5 years. He has been going to AA and I have been going to Al Anon.
It has been back and forth he wants to move, we can work it out. First it was monthly, then it gradually got closer. Well, he is moving out tomorrow. He is going to a recovery house.
The logic of this kills me. But in my heart I understand it. He has lost any passion for me. We have been so friendly to each other.
Yuggggghhhhhhh!!!!!! Just this last week, we had some little fights with slightly raised voices. Oh, my word, but did that feel good.
I am glad and sad at the same time. Maybe I can truly detach and get a little dignity back. Because everytime he said we could work it out, there I was just like a starving puppy ready for affection.
Looking back, I realize he lost his passion for our relationship shortly after we were married. I tell you, that saying of God's time and not our time is so right on. I couldn't have done it then.
Of course, no one was really working the 12 steps then.
But for all you people, who stick with it, I admire you and understand your pain and daily struggles. I feel really rejected right now and like I should be stronger and should have detached better.
i guess I did the best I could, I have prayed and prayed. Turned it all over. And feel like such a failure. I will be glad when tomorrow is over. This is all very painful.
It would be so much easier if we were screaming at each other I think. It is so hard to watch him pack his stuff and be nice to him and he is nice to me. It is so fake and not real feeling.
I wanted to thank everyone for posting so I could see I am not alone and necessarily don't have it so bad, when I can't get ahold of anyone on the phone or to a meeting.
I am so grateful that I found this board. It is really a God send.
I hope he can grow stronger in his program without me holding him back. (That is the message I have gotten.) I can't help but feel sorry for myself a little. I have to be really nice to me and not beat myself up.
Thanks.
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 37
You're right! What an important time to be really nice to you and take care of yourself!
Gee, every day I'm reminded of how similar our struggles really are. You've been doing your best! Please don't beat yourself up for not "detaching better."
As far as feeling unwanted, I empathize with you there, too. It hurts to feel like someone doesn't want you anymore. But rather than analyzing it to death, this may just simply be a function of his recovery, and NOT to do with you! I know it's easier said than done, but try not to let it harm your confidence in yourself.
You mentioned your kindness to each other in a negative way, but I think it's promising. What better way for him to think of you when he's gone than as a kind and loving wife, AND add here, with a life of your own! I think kindness always leaves the door open and makes others miss you when you're gone (or simply not around)
Big hugs to you,
kate
Gee, every day I'm reminded of how similar our struggles really are. You've been doing your best! Please don't beat yourself up for not "detaching better."
As far as feeling unwanted, I empathize with you there, too. It hurts to feel like someone doesn't want you anymore. But rather than analyzing it to death, this may just simply be a function of his recovery, and NOT to do with you! I know it's easier said than done, but try not to let it harm your confidence in yourself.
You mentioned your kindness to each other in a negative way, but I think it's promising. What better way for him to think of you when he's gone than as a kind and loving wife, AND add here, with a life of your own! I think kindness always leaves the door open and makes others miss you when you're gone (or simply not around)
Big hugs to you,
kate
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 37
Antreeta,
Let me try that again. You know how sometimes we worry about the worst that can happen... our loved one leaving, not wanting us, losing interest, etc etc... What if....? or He stopped loving/wanting me when...
All we can do is Stop! Take a deep breath, pray for strength, put it in God's hands, and bring out the old Serenity Prayer.
Your husband feels he has to do this for his recovery, just as YOU have to do the best thing for YOU to heal, too!
Looking back and making hasty decisions about "what went wrong where, so now that means This..." is frustrating, painful, and ... might not even be true!!
Something good can come from this, and you're already handling it with kindness and dignity!
Just take heart, we're all works in progress.
more hugs,
kate
Let me try that again. You know how sometimes we worry about the worst that can happen... our loved one leaving, not wanting us, losing interest, etc etc... What if....? or He stopped loving/wanting me when...
All we can do is Stop! Take a deep breath, pray for strength, put it in God's hands, and bring out the old Serenity Prayer.
Your husband feels he has to do this for his recovery, just as YOU have to do the best thing for YOU to heal, too!
Looking back and making hasty decisions about "what went wrong where, so now that means This..." is frustrating, painful, and ... might not even be true!!
Something good can come from this, and you're already handling it with kindness and dignity!
Just take heart, we're all works in progress.
more hugs,
kate
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: missouri
Posts: 95
Thanks for the encouragement. I really need it now. He has been gone for 48 hours now. We have had zero contact. That is the most since over 4 years ago we were first met. Wow.
Actually, it has been nice. Serenity. Wow.
Well, it is in God's hands. I am praying for him and I hope he can find his serenity. He is a really nice guy, in spite of it all. Sobriety first for him.
I cannot worry about him now. I have this terrible urge to make sure he doesn't need me to do something for him, such as pick up something from the store, run an errand. Yikes!!! What is the matter with me? I have to get busy with MY own stuff.
It really hasn't been that bad since he left.
But thank you guys for listening.
Antreeta
Actually, it has been nice. Serenity. Wow.
Well, it is in God's hands. I am praying for him and I hope he can find his serenity. He is a really nice guy, in spite of it all. Sobriety first for him.
I cannot worry about him now. I have this terrible urge to make sure he doesn't need me to do something for him, such as pick up something from the store, run an errand. Yikes!!! What is the matter with me? I have to get busy with MY own stuff.
It really hasn't been that bad since he left.
But thank you guys for listening.
Antreeta
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Antreeta
Just sending you hugs and hope your healing will make you a stronger happier person.
There is a post on the "powerposts" in Al-anon or Nar-Anon (I can't remember which) but it is called "To Everyone Who Is In-Between", from Melody Beattie's book "Language of Letting Go". Take a read , it will help. And if you don't have that book, treat yourself, it's chuck full of good stuff.
Just sending you hugs and hope your healing will make you a stronger happier person.
There is a post on the "powerposts" in Al-anon or Nar-Anon (I can't remember which) but it is called "To Everyone Who Is In-Between", from Melody Beattie's book "Language of Letting Go". Take a read , it will help. And if you don't have that book, treat yourself, it's chuck full of good stuff.
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