Jazzman

OK time for an update. M completed her 3rd rehab two weeks ago and is living w/ her Mom. I saw my ex-BIL last weekend. (For those unfamiliar w/ my story ex-BIL has been a good friend of mine since 3rd grade). Of course the subject of M came up in conversation and he says she’s doing well, going to AA meetings every day and sometimes twice a day. Makes more sense to him when she talks than she ever has. (I know I’ve seen this movie before. We were married during two previous rehabs). No phone call from her…. yet.



So here’s where my head is at…

1) She relapses and eventually drinks herself to death.

2) She stays sober but doesn’t stick with the program, she calls me looking for a soft landing, I say good luck then she goes back to her 1st ex who will gladly provide a soft landing.

3) She stays sober and sticks with the program and gets some serious time AND recovery under her belt.



Was this last bottom really HER bottom? Will she really work the program this time and begin a path to a healthy recovery?



I know - I know, two weeks is nothing… believe me I know. I’m doing fine really but… it’s the stories like Jill and Richard, Eq and D, Susane and Phil, Judy and Mr. Judy, HG and Mr. HG, (I’m sure I’m forgetting others). Including the non SR success stories I know of as well…. These have me occasionally slipping into thinking “what if” in the event that #3 happens….



All of the sudden there’s a friggen crystal ball in almost every room in this house!!! My gut tells me don’t get your hope us. My brain tells me to listen to your gut. My heart is curiously silent. I think there’s just a hole in there.



I could use some words of wisdom from my buds…

denny57

Hi Jazz

You probably don't want to hear this - but I think you're handling right just the way you are. It IS confusing. It's only 2 weeks in. Sit tight. One day at a time.

I do believe people recover. Not in 2 weeks, but they do recover. I also believe relationships can be rekindled. (should I say not in 2 weeks?)

It's only natural for you to be thinking all of this. Be kind to yourself and see what happens. Don't think it to death right now.

((()))

pmaslan

Ok Jazzman what is really going on with you.
I am confused. I thought you were beyond this stuff at this point.
There are success stories out there but they have longevity behind
them. You know 2 weeks is nothing at this point.
I hope that M is on the way to a healthy life but you will need
to watch the actions from afar as you do have others that fill you in.
I know how you feel Jazz, I always have the hope that John will get
well and ride up in the white lamborgini....lol
I continue to hate this disease.....
Hugs my friend

minnie

Jazz, hon, you know it's early days for her. The real tests come when those little quirks of life come along for her to deal with, not when she's still on her pink cloud. I am not saying this isn't for real, but nobody knows if it is or not. Total and permanent change in thinking and behaviour in 6 weeks? (assuming rehab was 28 days, which it may not have been) Hmm..... I know it has taken me a good few years to change MY thoughts and behaviour and I didn't have physical addiction to deal with on top.

And you know from my experience that some people can talk the talk extremely well. It's the walking that's the hard bit.

Listen to your gut. But moderating hope is a matter of caution, rather than pessimism.

Cynay

Ohhhh sweetie... why do you want to do this to yourself again.

I hope and pray she finds sobriety... but detach from it... I dont think your heart has a hole in it.... I think your heart is currently the smartest one... Let this go ... give it time cuz after all you went through.... I would not even think about it till she had over a year under her belt....

Also hon... think about all of what happened. Its not like she had a drinking problem only... she had alot of other issues too that she is going to have to work though...

TAKE CARE OF YOU AND THE KIDS.....let the what ifs go.

daddysgirl29

Ohhh, Jazz! I can see you've been thinking a LOT since she got out!! Now, here's something to think about - if you were happily, I mean really happy -butterflies-when-you-saw-her-in-love with someone else - would this matter? I've done that - wonder about my ex and when I REALLY thought about what he did to me - I realized it was only b/c I was lonely and had no one else. (NOT saying you're lonely, but you know what I mean...)

You deserve to be happy and lawd knows she's taken advantage of you too many times before. She needs to concentrate on her right now, and you need to continue concentrating on YOU. What's the phrase - hurt me once - shame on you....hurt me twice.....sister DG comes after you? (smile)

I think you deserve better, hon. Listen to your head (easier said than done, I know) and keep moving forward. You are come too far and been happy w/o the roller coaster. I hope this helps. You just deserve the best, that's all.

Love you, bro.
DG

DesertEyes

Yo Jazz,

You forgot option #4

4) I stick to my own recovery and let her and her HP take care of hers.

If I was thinking about my ex the way you're thinking my sponsor would drag my tush to 3 meetings a day, make me set up, clean up, greet newcomers, make coffee, mop floors _and_ give rides to the disabled just so I wouldn't have time to let my own brain do the thinking for me.

That's not a crystal ball you're seeing in every room. It's the ghost of a past that never was. Come back to the present where we all love ya just the way your are.

Mike

mallowcup

and hey.....two weeks is two weeks. I think your head is in a good place, Hopeful. I also think you have a smart heart.

LaTeeDa

I like what Cynay said. There are many other issues even if she finds true sobriety this time. I am on that journey of discovery right now. I truly believe that my husband is sincere and committed to his recovery. That does not automatically mean we can have a relationship again. When I start thinking about all the "what if" I get knots in my stomach. I just have to trust that being the best me I can be will bring it's own rewards. Whether that means a loving committed relationship with my husband remains to be seen. Keep doing what's right for you and your life. Wondering what will happen with her will only give you extra anxiety you don't need.

Much easier said than done, I know.

L

mallowcup

I have come to believe that sometimes their bottom comes when they know for certain that our bottom has come. Not always, but I think when someone knows that you will walk out the door and never look back...........you will have no regret or remorse, that you have no respect for them, it can matter.

ASpouse

Jazz, I love that your heart is silently curious and I think that is OK. My heart would be exactly the same way.

I also like Mike's advice about option 4. I think you should process this information about M and then get busy doing something you enjoy? Your music, your painting, your dog .... anything to help keep your mind busy and active.

Everyone is different. Mr. Judy and I never divorced this last time he screwed up. The bottom line was, I would not walk away. Perhaps if I did things would be different, but I don't look at the what if's.

M only has 2 weeks recovery and you don't know if she'll call you. If she is working the program correctly and with a sponsor she won't call anyone for a soft landing, she already found one in AA, if she continues with it.

So my advice to you is not to dwell on this too much, accept it for what it is and continue on with your life as you do now. Maybe you'll hear from M, maybe you won't, but you sure as hell can't sit around waiting for contact from her. So, if you need to dwell on it for a day or so (or less) then do so with the intent of understanding it in a way that makes you comfortable. After that, well nothing but blue skies and happy days ahead for you and yours!

Jazzman

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I know all these things... (Didn’t know about moping the floors and making coffee! Ugh!). And I was insinuating longevity when I said serious time AND recovery under her belt. I needed this boost from you guys because I'm nervous about the call. But you're right, if she really is working a program I should not get the call..... At least not ANY time soon. I thought about that too.

I still have my peace and serenity, no problem there. This is gonna sound crappy and I hope it's not taken wrong... I just need to stay away from the good news heart warming posts for a while. I'm not ready for those yet. I wondered about the lonely thing too. I tried the dating... well lunch meets a few times. I'm not ready for that either.

This too shall pass. Thanks buds!

ICU

If that's what you believe deep down inside, perhaps that's why..... Mine, hopefully, would be too!! I wouldn't want to be first choice or second choice; I would much rather be the 'only' choice! I know...dare to dream!!!

susane1408

I feel for you Jazz buddy, give it time.
Get rid of that crystal ball and finish your renovations,

equus

Crystal balls hurt!

Wish her well and live your life because there's nothing to loose in that - there's not time pressure on you, no need for knowing the future so why put effort into guessing it?

It's good news, let it give you a smile then continue in your plans for you.

D had big life changes behind him for years and they were the ones I cared about most - there was something more important to me than him being sober and that was him wanting life. I made my decision to be with him while he was still drinking because the drinking wasn't as scary as him having no will to live - he just needed to figure out how to make living work and that I could live with! Him wanting life is still more important to me, I'd rather he relapsed than lost that will but stayed sober.

megamysterioso

That sucks Jazz and lock em' up in storage or throw them out altogether . I think what you are doing is natural, but to me, it is also an indicator that you would be willing for option 3 to happen. I too thought that you were "over it." Sorry if that sounded harsh. You've seemed to have moved forward so much in your own life and recovery that I was surprised to read that option 3 seems viable to you.

Keep working on yourself and you'll be OK. I'd let her and HP hash it out. As you well know, 2 weeks is really nothing and anything can happen within a matter of a few days around here!!! Oh the drama of it all! I want you to have continued peace and happiness- that's all .

GingerM

Especially when yours get kicked!

Mega has good advice. Lock 'em up, maybe with the family jewels - someplace safe. Then go back into those rooms, and instead of looking for the crystal balls, look for YOU. Are you in those rooms?

I wish you peace.

cwohio

((jazz)) natural feelings - nothing more to add then what was said above. keep on truckin' buddy - keep yourself busy so those "what if's" stay out of your head.

Pick-a-name

One day at a time.............more will be revealed..................

Hugs to you and hoping the best for you both

FormerDoormat

You know, Jazz, I never thought Richard would be able to reach and maintain sobriety. I didn't think he had any desire to change or any fight left in him. I had basically resigned myself to the fact that he would never be able to change or reach sobriety. But as Equus says, "people are full of surprises," and those first two weeks of sobriety stretched into four weeks of sobriety. The weeks turned into months, and with every passing day Richard became stronger and healthier.

Everybody has to start at the beginning, and that's where your wife is now. Whether she'll be able to continue on a path to recovery is anybody's guess. But there's nothing wrong with hoping that she'll find lasting sobriety, as long as you don't put your life on hold while she's learning a new way to deal with life's challenges.

If she does find a path to recovery would you be able to forgive her for her past mistakes? Would you be able to forgive her for having an affair with another man, or would it always eat away at you? Would you be able to trust her again or would you always be looking for signs that she may be cheating on you? Would she be a good partner for you and a good role model for your children? Would you trust her to always tell the truth?

Can you let go of the past, wipe the slate clean, and start again? Because that's what she'd be asking of you.

I don't know if I would have been able to forgive Richard if he had been unfaithful to me. I think it would have been a deal breaker for me. But since it's never been an issue in our relationship, I can't know for sure.

My advice to you is to move forward in your life, open yourself up to the possibility of meeting someone new and then if your wife finds a path to long-term sobriety, re-evaluate your feelings then.