dixiecup25

Love after Alcohol

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I am very new to this. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. He was 23 when I met him and I was 24. I am divorced with 2 children.....When I first met him, I didn't notice any signs as he was doing what a typical 23 year old would do. After time went by, he was around my children... after about 2 years, we moved into a house. 3 montsh later he bought an engagement ring..After moving into the house, I slowly noticed him not drinking as much, trying to get that out of his life..but the following summer came, and I starte to notice more and more the drinking especially after some friend came around...I notice before he would drink alot but it was never really a problem until then. I told him he needed to go to AA but he wouldn't..he lied to me...he left for awhile and things got worse...then he promised me they would be better..said he loved me. He came back...this past fall/winter we have been struggling with his addiction to drinking and smoking. He wanted to go to rehab one day but I told him that all he needed to do was keep busy...I guess I was afraid of him going away...finally the other week..i took his weed away...so he used coke. I told him to leave the house and he went into rehab the next morning. I found out from his mother calling me. He left me anote...saying for all I have done for him..he needs to do this...and when he comes back...I will have his old self back and we can proceed with our life. 3 days of detox...he decided to leave me...by a phonecall from his mother. he then coems and takes his stuff w/out an explanation. Finally today he tells me that he has to start his life over...that the alcohol made him love me...that even though now he has been a father figure to my son, it is like a robot family and he doesn't know if he can ever be with me again. He says that the are whole relationship was based on alcohol. I don't drink nor do I do any type fo drugs..he enver drank everyday...there were times when he went weeks w/out drinking...just recently it has escalated to 4-5 days out of the week...

My question is...can you just stop loving someone over alcohol after 3 days? I was willing to work on our relationship...I still lvoe him as much as I did the day I met him...or can this just be a scapegoat..he says all he can do is email me right now...I dont' understand how someone can not face the person they love? Is this normal?

jimhere

Dixiecup,
I will try not come off as harsh, but you need to know that if he is alcoholic, it has nothing to do with whether he loves you or not. I would bet that he does love you. But if he be alcoholic, love, or any other emotion plays no factor. He doesn't drink because he wants to, he drinks because he has to drink.
Regards,
Jim

p.s.-have you tried Al-Anon?

sunshinebluesky

maybe he was doing more than you ever knew from back in the beginning. and maybe detoxing,and starting rehab,he did realize his emotions have not been real. i know that if that is the case,it hurts...course,even if its not-and he does truly love you-it still hurts.
i wish that my ex at some point could have realized the alcohol and whatever else then or in the past was numbing his emotions,and just making him into a needy co-dependent. i knew all along he really didnt love me in the true sense of love and a loving relationship. funny thing is though even after we broke up--he still wouldnt admit it or see it.even when he quickly got involved in another relationship. though i did and do.would have saved me alot of heartache,and wasted time. to me,thats part of why being co-dependent of any kind is not good.for either one involved.
you may have to just let go and see what happens. i would send him a couple emails of support and encouragement on his sobriety,but not press about your relationship while hes trying to help himself.
if you two were meant to be,somehow it will happen.naturally.
do for you right now,and your children.it will all fall into place.

mallowcup

I think he told you he needed to go into detox and you simissed or minimized his confiding that to you. I would bet that is why he feels he can't be with you. He knew what he needed and you talked him out of it. I think maybe it's best the way it is for now. He has probably confided to his mother or to the rehab that conversation the two of you had a while back. Where did you come by that information that if he stayed busy, that would solve this problem?

Sasha1208

Although our situations are different there are many similarities. I posted this thread when my bf of 15 years decided within about of month of rehab that he couldn't be me anymore. It's been a couple months and I'm still wondering WTF happened...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-89044.html

Sasha1208

Shoot that didn't work... The thread is called I feel like I got chewed up and spit out if you look at all the threads I have started....

prodigal

Believe it or not, your post has made me realize that my AH married me BECAUSE he was drunk. His disease made him think I would be a lifelong drinking buddy and ... hmmm... how do I put this so it won't get deleted? ... well, a sex partner, as in anytime, anyplace.

I realize you are devastated to hear this, but give the guy credit for trying to be honest. I still have an addict trying to think this sham of a marriage is based on "love." What I have is someone living with me who is contemptuous of himself, of me, and of life in general.

I can understand your hurt and pain. Would it be better if he had lied to you and stayed? Sometimes when people begin their recovery, they jump to conclusions about all of their relationships while they were under the influence. He may discover he was wrong about what the two of you had. Believe me, unless the guy was drunk 24/7 (and you said he was not) then he DID - and probably still has - feelings for you.

You have to concentrate on you right now. Back off. Give him time to sort our the mess his life has become. He may come to the realization that the two of you are supposed to be together. The reason you need to work on YOU is to accept the fact that he may decide to move on in his life without you. You have to be able to realize it's okay if he decides that is what he needs to do.

dixiecup25

[QUOTE=mallowcup]I
I didn't know then much about alcoholism...he always said he goes and drinks just cause he wasn't working during the day..and it was something to do..so I thought if I gave him things to do..he wouldn't wind up there during the day...Alot of his problem would be going there in the middle of the afternoon and getting drunk...when he would be home by himself.
QUOTE]

dixiecup25

I just don't know...I wnat to email him but I am also afraid that it will keep me attached...and hearing this again down the line....I don't know if I could handle it again.

He also told me he gave his email address to some girl in rehab..I asked why and he said he iddn't know...probably cause she related to his problems..but when I asked if he did anything..he said no he would get kicked out..He never said he didn't want to...I just don't know what to believe..he has never done anything liek this...even drunk...but he has lied and stole from me before to get drunk. But then he said they tell you not to be in a relationshiop for a year or so..? I am sure there were many men there that could of related just as well..if not probably better...?

ASpouse

I don't think in 3 days he realized this, I think he always knew it but the liquor was clouding his thinking to believe it.

If I were you, I'd believe him and move on with your life. It sounds as if it's over.

DesertEyes

Yo Sasha, is this the one you're looking for?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-89044-1.html

Mike

dixiecup25

Thanks for that..I actually only talked him out of going away..I told him why don't you try AA meetings and an Outpatient program...which is what he is doing now..I have been drug through the mud and given him so many chances when he would call me up crying after I would kick him out....all the things he has done to me I forgave him and still loved him..... He was dead sober alot of our relationship..he held a job for a year and was only drinking here and there...It isn' t like he had a drinking problem every single day...We didn't get along cuase I was so stressed..he drank..he couldn't hold a job..I did everything..from working to cleaining while he sat around and played video games during the day...and he blames me for our f'd up relationship???? That is what I don't understand. And I have tried to email him this morning..but we started arguing! He doesn't want to have to answer to me anymore..and I respect that..but what I dont' respect is about this other girl...I found out he lied..he talked to her twice..well why Lie to me about stuff..and he thinks I have no right to know cuase I am his EX???..WTF???...you lie to me about someone and say it is none of my business now..??? It has only been 3 days since the end...and while I thought he was in there for US as well.....! And he always winds up turing it around me..All I think about is myself..and that it is my fault this and my fault that..and I drive him to drink. that I don't care if he ever gets better...I don't want him to get better..and She at least wants him to get better?? He don't know her..I am sure she could care less if he did or not..!! tI don't hold a gun to his head. He had this problem way before I was even in his life. His parents are alcholoics and his grandfather from what I heard. That is what I don't get..They are just as bad as him only they function with their jobs..so why wouldn't you go back to someone who doesn't need that to get through their life. But putting yourself in a more tempting environemnt???I went through an awful divorce and alot of crap with him and I still don't need the bottle....We started fighting about this girl and then I wind up apologizing to him becuase he said feel like making him drink. I don't know, but I think he is just playing with my mind..It is like he knows how to hurt me..so he said he would email me on Monday, he was going away for the weekend..like to make it sound like he is hiding something..all thought his parents have a boat that they just love to drink on so I know he will be there..especially since it is mothers day. HE thinks I am so gullable. so I am going to take alot of your guys advice and just let him be. I will not email him for a while.....and I wonder if I will get a dozen emails and phone calls.

ASpouse

So let me ask this? What do you want from him besides going to AA and outpatient? You're not very clear, you just sound and are angry. You can never go back to what was and if you continue to be there for him, then he will continue treating you the same way.

I've referred to Alcoholism and addiction (as have many others) as a dance, as a rollercoater ride, as being sucked into a black hole. Aren't you tired of dancing the dance yet? If not, continue dancing. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

You're post says nothing about you, but it's all about HIM and as long as you continue to put your focus on HIM instead of YOU, what you've described above is exactly how it will always be.

You tell him to go to AA .... have you tried Al Anon? You need recovery and support also.

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... Im sorry your hurting.

Over in the Nar-Anon for this is a sticky post Called What Addict do... I would suggest you go over and read that.

I agree that you should take the focus off him and put it on the only person you can help... YOU... When you said you are not e-mailing him and in the same sentance wondered if you would get a doz e-mails and phone calls just tells me your not placing distance for you but punishing him....

You have children alot to think about, this is not healthy for them to see hon... I would guess that unless he had some sucessful recovery under his belt he is not going to be there for you or your kids. Do you want to teach them that this is ok, that treating there mother like this and her being upset and crying is ok?

As far as he goes.. they tell you in treatment not to make major changes for a year. That means if your not in a relationship.... dont get into one, in or out of rehab. It does not mean that if your married/serious relationship to dump them. There is going to be ALOT of garbage coming from him for a long time hon... He is going to be confused, manuplating, etc until he works some type of program.

I have years of theraphy and found it really helpful, currently I go to Al-anon and the suport and face to face is wonderful... Much to learn hon, but it has to start with you.

I look forward to getting to know you... sick around, and trust it will get better if you work on you

Sasha1208

Thank you DesertEyes! That's the one...

((Dixie))
I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and tell you that I am not hurting over my ex's decision but I can look at it a couple of ways now... And this is just my opinion (I'm a little :andy: right now so who knows if this will make sense ). I know that my ex is very vunerable right now and is being fed a lot of things. He doesn't know up from down. He has to work through a lot of the things that he has done. He couldn't have done it with me. Like you I took care of everything. In rehab they are taught how to take care of themselves. I would have probably made that hard for him. And if you are real honest with yourselves you would have done the same. You sound like you need time to heal right now. Take this time to do that.
Also, for me I have started working the 12 steps and I'm am positive that god has our lives mapped out for us already. You aren't going to change anything by fighting it. You are exactly where you need to be right now. Take care of yourself.
About the other girl....Don't know what to tell you there. Sounds like he is not very serious about his recovery but that's just what I get from it.

Heather

sunshinebluesky

i agree with aspouse in that right now you are too emotional for anything. just like i was for a very long time....thats why i decided finally to take everyones advice and stay totally away.
you are angry and hurt over the sudden breakup,you are angry and hurt over him being friendly with another woman. you have a right to your feelings.sometimes you have to just accept them (the feelings) and allow yourself to work thru them.
the last post you kind of admitted more of the negative areas of your relationship with him. someone who would lie and steal to you,from you...is not worthy of a relationship with you. when we are hurt,and alone we tend to push the negative stuff to the backburner.