New Here need some advice. LONG
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
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Originally Posted by ASpouse
Sigh ........
cup, your children are not babies, they are adults. You are hanging on to what is comfortable, not because you have hope for a relationship that is long gone.
cup, your children are not babies, they are adults. You are hanging on to what is comfortable, not because you have hope for a relationship that is long gone.
I was not particularly refering to my own situation, but to families of alcoholics as a whole. And I was refering to Refreshing34's post.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: apache junction Az
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Thanks
I want to thank all of you for responding to me.
I am not sure how to add quotes so I am doing this the hard way.
Everything said here sounds right and alot of great advise. It definatly helps me get my head back on straight. When he drinks I am so determined to leave and then he takes a couple of nights off and I doubt my decision.
I know it is right in my gut and I have to leave. I have to protect my precious babies as they mean the world to me. I can't stand the way he treats them while he is drinking and he plays it all off as a joke or laughs it all off as he was only kidding or playing. It all came to a head last week when I was out of town and my kids called me about his behavior and when I got back they asked me to please don't ever leave them like that again with him. I needed to be here to protect them. That cut so deep. It finalized everything until he took a couple of nights off. NOw I see it all so clearly.
Reading here has helped me realize that I always say if he did THAT I would leave. We then reached THAT and I made more excuses. I won't anymore.
I know it is right I just don't want to hurt him but I realize that by staying it is my kids I am hurting instead.
Thank you guys.
To one who posted the link. THANK YOU. I am checking out that site and have downloaded the ebook and am reading that. It is a major eye opener for me. I realize that even though I knew there was a problem I was in denial.
Not anymore. It still hurts but I know I can do this for the kids.
I would love to respond to all of you seperate but am new to the board so not sure how it all works yet but thanks.
It really helps to know I am not alone.
I am not sure how to add quotes so I am doing this the hard way.
Everything said here sounds right and alot of great advise. It definatly helps me get my head back on straight. When he drinks I am so determined to leave and then he takes a couple of nights off and I doubt my decision.
I know it is right in my gut and I have to leave. I have to protect my precious babies as they mean the world to me. I can't stand the way he treats them while he is drinking and he plays it all off as a joke or laughs it all off as he was only kidding or playing. It all came to a head last week when I was out of town and my kids called me about his behavior and when I got back they asked me to please don't ever leave them like that again with him. I needed to be here to protect them. That cut so deep. It finalized everything until he took a couple of nights off. NOw I see it all so clearly.
Reading here has helped me realize that I always say if he did THAT I would leave. We then reached THAT and I made more excuses. I won't anymore.
I know it is right I just don't want to hurt him but I realize that by staying it is my kids I am hurting instead.
Thank you guys.
To one who posted the link. THANK YOU. I am checking out that site and have downloaded the ebook and am reading that. It is a major eye opener for me. I realize that even though I knew there was a problem I was in denial.
Not anymore. It still hurts but I know I can do this for the kids.
I would love to respond to all of you seperate but am new to the board so not sure how it all works yet but thanks.
It really helps to know I am not alone.
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In response to CindiR
I am sick of living this way. I really am glad you posted. It helps to know I am not alone.
I am very good a minimizing after the fact. When it is happening I am thinking this is it this is the last straw. Then I feel sorry for him or I feel like I made it seem worse than it was.
You are right this is my life and my kids life. I can't force them to live this way. It is so unfair that things have went so wrong when I used to have the perfect life and now it feels like it is gone. He took it all away by choosing to drink and treat us like we are his property.
The way you talk about what you want to teach your kids I feel the same way about.
I know continuing on this way is not. All the talks and teaching I do will not take away what he is slowly doing to them.
Thanks so much for your imput.
I am very good a minimizing after the fact. When it is happening I am thinking this is it this is the last straw. Then I feel sorry for him or I feel like I made it seem worse than it was.
You are right this is my life and my kids life. I can't force them to live this way. It is so unfair that things have went so wrong when I used to have the perfect life and now it feels like it is gone. He took it all away by choosing to drink and treat us like we are his property.
The way you talk about what you want to teach your kids I feel the same way about.
I know continuing on this way is not. All the talks and teaching I do will not take away what he is slowly doing to them.
Thanks so much for your imput.
Last edited by refreshing34; 05-09-2006 at 01:14 PM. Reason: forgot to add title
One brief hour...
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To one who posted the link. THANK YOU. I am checking out that site and have downloaded the ebook and am reading that. It is a major eye opener for me. I realize that even though I knew there was a problem I was in denial.
I'm glad we've been of some help and you are definitely not alone. Keep coming back anytime and all the best to you and your family.
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You're welcome.
****{Hugs}}} going out to you...
There is no easy answer it seems and sometimes what is "right" is the most difficult and painful choice.
In playing this game where the stakes are this high...sometimes the alcoholic/addict choses to embrace recovery...however, there are no guarentees.
But by the time I got to this point I'd pretty much given up hope of a reconciliation.
****{Hugs}}} going out to you...
There is no easy answer it seems and sometimes what is "right" is the most difficult and painful choice.
In playing this game where the stakes are this high...sometimes the alcoholic/addict choses to embrace recovery...however, there are no guarentees.
But by the time I got to this point I'd pretty much given up hope of a reconciliation.
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CindiR
Thanks for the hugs I need those right now.
When I first made my decision to leave several weeks ago. I felt like I don't want to work things out I just want this to be over. I am so tired of the pain. I don't care if we ever work it out.
THEN
I am on the countdown now of actually being gone and it hurts more everyday. My official move date that I have set is 3 weeks away and now I feel the finality of it. I find myself going back like today when I posted this and finding ways to excuse it all.
There is no excuse. I have to go.
I am so thankful for the support I feel here. For feeling like I am not alone.
I am just trying to keep up my strength to do what I have to do when the time comes. I know I can do it but I know it will be so hard.
Thanks again
When I first made my decision to leave several weeks ago. I felt like I don't want to work things out I just want this to be over. I am so tired of the pain. I don't care if we ever work it out.
THEN
I am on the countdown now of actually being gone and it hurts more everyday. My official move date that I have set is 3 weeks away and now I feel the finality of it. I find myself going back like today when I posted this and finding ways to excuse it all.
There is no excuse. I have to go.
I am so thankful for the support I feel here. For feeling like I am not alone.
I am just trying to keep up my strength to do what I have to do when the time comes. I know I can do it but I know it will be so hard.
Thanks again
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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refreshing - for what it's worth, i do wish i had left sooner. not only is my life calmer and more sane, but it may have helped my AH into sobriety sooner (not that he's thinking about it right now). who knows? after all i have learned about the disease, however, i do believe it is progressive and by enabling him i helped my AH get sicker.
please keep us posted
please keep us posted
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Just an Update!
I was so convinced that after our talk while he was sober that he would really try to stop drinking out of fear of my leaving with the kids.
Well it lasted all of 2 days and last night he was drinking again.
He hid out in the bedroom all night drinking beer. At one point he came down to get another beer and I noticed that he was hiding it from our son who was trying to get his dad to pay attention to him but he wouldn't.
I am so sad. Sad that he isn't trying. No things didn't get out of control last night and he will make sure and remind me of that but he was drinking none the less. I can't believe he only went 2 days without drinking.
He used to mostly drink on weekends. Now he can't stop although to hear him tell it he doesn't have a problem and can stop anytime he wants.
Sigh
Its so hard to leave.
Well it lasted all of 2 days and last night he was drinking again.
He hid out in the bedroom all night drinking beer. At one point he came down to get another beer and I noticed that he was hiding it from our son who was trying to get his dad to pay attention to him but he wouldn't.
I am so sad. Sad that he isn't trying. No things didn't get out of control last night and he will make sure and remind me of that but he was drinking none the less. I can't believe he only went 2 days without drinking.
He used to mostly drink on weekends. Now he can't stop although to hear him tell it he doesn't have a problem and can stop anytime he wants.
Sigh
Its so hard to leave.
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Originally Posted by refreshing34
Its so hard to leave.
So sorry. I know how hard it is. I hope you get some help and support for you and the kids. Nothing has to be decided today. Take your time.
Please keep posting.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Down South
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All I can say is this! Leave him now and don't wait until tommorrow! And if he does love you he will go get help! If he doesn't then he is on a one way street heading for disaster! I'll be praying for you and your children that Jesus puts a hedge of protection around you and them and protects you from his drunken tyrants!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
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First, I'd like to say that's quite a refreshing name you have there. Now, about your husband's drinking. If he stopped drinking for two days, he actually IS trying. He didn't fail because he's weak or because he doesn't care about you or your children. He failed because alcoholism is a powerful disease and he can't stop on his own.
He needs outside help to reach and maintain sobriety. That help may come in the form of AA, addiction counseling, a physician supervised detoxification, drugs to suppress his urge to drink, a stay at a rehab facility, or a combination of all of these.
You can tell him that there is plenty of help available for folks suffering from alcohlism and even point him in the right direction, but unless he's ready to get help, it won't do any good.
The only thing you can do is to find outside help for yourself. That help may come in the form of Alanon, addiction couseling, family counseling, purusing this forum, or a combination of all of these.
You each have to find your own path to a better life. Let him deal with his own demons so you can work on eliminating yours. Life with an active alcohlic is not easy but there is light at the end of the tunnel and a happier life is certainly within your reach.
But you have to move forward to get to the other side. And sometimes that means you have to make some difficult choices--choices that are often outside your comfort zone. You won't accomplish anything by standing still.
Perhaps instead of feeling sad about your husband's choices you should evalute the choices you've made yourself and the life you have today and determine if they are still serving you well.
He needs outside help to reach and maintain sobriety. That help may come in the form of AA, addiction counseling, a physician supervised detoxification, drugs to suppress his urge to drink, a stay at a rehab facility, or a combination of all of these.
You can tell him that there is plenty of help available for folks suffering from alcohlism and even point him in the right direction, but unless he's ready to get help, it won't do any good.
The only thing you can do is to find outside help for yourself. That help may come in the form of Alanon, addiction couseling, family counseling, purusing this forum, or a combination of all of these.
You each have to find your own path to a better life. Let him deal with his own demons so you can work on eliminating yours. Life with an active alcohlic is not easy but there is light at the end of the tunnel and a happier life is certainly within your reach.
But you have to move forward to get to the other side. And sometimes that means you have to make some difficult choices--choices that are often outside your comfort zone. You won't accomplish anything by standing still.
Perhaps instead of feeling sad about your husband's choices you should evalute the choices you've made yourself and the life you have today and determine if they are still serving you well.
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Thanks
Thank you for the hugs and replies.
This reply is mostly in answer to FormerDoormat's post.
I know he is trying and maybe its wrong of me to feel like its just not enough at this point. He did go 2 days, drank again and is actually not drinking tonight. He is however staying totally away from the family Hiding not talking to us or anything. Hurts but at least he isn't drinking.
He doesn't think he needs help says he doesn't have a problem. Until he sees a problem he isn't going to get help no matter how much I ask.
My daughter says to me tonight. Mom dad is doing so good he isn't drinking. She said mom I told you the reason dad was being so mean is because he drinks.
I have reevaluated my life. I have decided that I can't continue to live like this and I can't continue making my kids live like this. They don't deserve this.
I am moving out in 3 weeks when my kids are out for the summer. We are going to live at our other house but it is a few hours from where we are now so I can't uproot them yet. He will have to get help and prove himself before we come back.
I am just trying to keep things as normal as I can. It is scary to leave but it is scary to stay. This is not a decision I made lightly and it has been made a while back.
I also am in counseling so I am not alone. I am also looking into counseling for my children.
This reply is mostly in answer to FormerDoormat's post.
I know he is trying and maybe its wrong of me to feel like its just not enough at this point. He did go 2 days, drank again and is actually not drinking tonight. He is however staying totally away from the family Hiding not talking to us or anything. Hurts but at least he isn't drinking.
He doesn't think he needs help says he doesn't have a problem. Until he sees a problem he isn't going to get help no matter how much I ask.
My daughter says to me tonight. Mom dad is doing so good he isn't drinking. She said mom I told you the reason dad was being so mean is because he drinks.
I have reevaluated my life. I have decided that I can't continue to live like this and I can't continue making my kids live like this. They don't deserve this.
I am moving out in 3 weeks when my kids are out for the summer. We are going to live at our other house but it is a few hours from where we are now so I can't uproot them yet. He will have to get help and prove himself before we come back.
I am just trying to keep things as normal as I can. It is scary to leave but it is scary to stay. This is not a decision I made lightly and it has been made a while back.
I also am in counseling so I am not alone. I am also looking into counseling for my children.
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Good luck, refreshing
Sounds like you have given it considerable thought, set your boundaries and are sticking to them. I know it's not an easy choice to make and not one any of us who decide to do it take lightly. I wish you and your children all the best; I hope your husband finds sobriety if that is what he wants. Please keep us posted.
Sounds like you have given it considerable thought, set your boundaries and are sticking to them. I know it's not an easy choice to make and not one any of us who decide to do it take lightly. I wish you and your children all the best; I hope your husband finds sobriety if that is what he wants. Please keep us posted.
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Originally Posted by refreshing34
My daughter says to me tonight. Mom dad is doing so good he isn't drinking. She said mom I told you the reason dad was being so mean is because he drinks.
It's a very hard thing you are doing, but it is right if it is right for you. No guarantees that your husband will get sober if you leave, but the chances are greatly increased the more he stands to lose.
We are here for you when you need support.
Hugs. ((()))
L
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Thanks guys.
LaTeeDa thank you for your response. I have thought about my kids reaction and I know you are right. I know they will be so angry with me. They love thier dad so much and he is a great father as long as he isn't drinking which has been almost daily for a while. I know I will be the bad guy to them and that hurts as I only want to protect them. They do see him as being mean lately but to actually move out will definalty be a big blow to them.
They beg me not to leave them alone with him (this came up again tonight) and that keeps me strong in my belief that I must leave for now.
I am going to get them into some kind of counseling so they can understand. I try very hard not to add to or color thier view of things. I don't talk down about his drinking or ask leading questions but they do talk to me.
Just want to thank you for bringing up this very important issue.
R
LaTeeDa thank you for your response. I have thought about my kids reaction and I know you are right. I know they will be so angry with me. They love thier dad so much and he is a great father as long as he isn't drinking which has been almost daily for a while. I know I will be the bad guy to them and that hurts as I only want to protect them. They do see him as being mean lately but to actually move out will definalty be a big blow to them.
They beg me not to leave them alone with him (this came up again tonight) and that keeps me strong in my belief that I must leave for now.
I am going to get them into some kind of counseling so they can understand. I try very hard not to add to or color thier view of things. I don't talk down about his drinking or ask leading questions but they do talk to me.
Just want to thank you for bringing up this very important issue.
R
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And if he does love you he will go get help!
He may get help, he may not. When only he is ready to admit that his life has become unmanageable due to drinking will he seek out the help he needs. In the meantime, you have to do what is right for you, whatever that choice may be, however hard it may be.
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Please try and find an Alanon meeting and check it out. My mother did and it was not only a gift for herself, but to us as her kids. It taught us to get help if we need it. It also helped her to deal with her situation with my father and handle us as healthy as she possibly could. It wasn't easy, but it was a great source of strength. It was a tool, armor, knowledge and eventually a badge!
I had gone to Alanon meetings as a teenager and young adult to deal with my father and brother's alcoholism. It helped. I had that down pat, but the disease reared its ugly head into my life anyway when I realized I was unknowingly attracted to guys that had a drug problem and found it hard to leave 'em. I went to therapy to change that track and learned how to live a more rational life.
So for your sake and your kids, help yourself. SR is also a great place to be!
Hugs,
Etimee
I had gone to Alanon meetings as a teenager and young adult to deal with my father and brother's alcoholism. It helped. I had that down pat, but the disease reared its ugly head into my life anyway when I realized I was unknowingly attracted to guys that had a drug problem and found it hard to leave 'em. I went to therapy to change that track and learned how to live a more rational life.
So for your sake and your kids, help yourself. SR is also a great place to be!
Hugs,
Etimee
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