Family Member Dilemma
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Buena Park, CA
Posts: 3
Family Member Dilemma
I am VERY thankful for a forum like this. You must help so many people every day.
I have a sister that has a drinking problem and takes some prescription drugs (not hers). She has 3 children (18, 12, 11) who recently lost their father a few months ago to a motorcycle accident. Her boyfriend who she was with for several years past away last month. She has a monthly rent she can't make (we live in Los Angeles) and has to ask me for money in order to buy food for her family. She is devastated and none of the my other sisters (there are 4 total) are in a position to help.
I am thinking about offering for her and her children to come live with me and my wife since we have 3 extra rooms in our house. This way she doesn't have to worry about money and the children will be in a stable environment.
What I want to do is tell her that she can live with us if she goes to rehab and gets help. She is a very stubborn person and I believe that telling her that she has to go rehab will scare her off from moving in with me in the first place.
My idea is to invite her to live with me to remove the financial strain then bring up the idea of rehab and if need be, make her go (not sure how I would do this).
A few details:
-We live about 1 hour from where they currently live, so the children will be in a totally new area.
-We want to get her into rehab and train her with some computer skills so she can get a dependable office job.
-The younger child isn't even in school at the moment and has many issues with aggression.
-I am her younger brother, I'm 25 (my wife is 21) and my sister is 48. I do not know if she will be insulted because we are so much younger than her.
-My wife and I were hoping to start trying for our own family, but this will postpone it at least a year.
-Last time I talked to her on the phone she was emotionally unstable and was slurring her speech, it makes me and my wife very worried for my nephews and niece.
-All my sisters are half sisters and are much older than me so I am not as close to them as they are to each other.
-My wife doesn't work so she has plenty of time to commit to the kids or helping my sister.
-We would just take the children (they are our main concern), but my sister will never be without them.
Has anyone else attempted the same thing with their family members? How long did they stay with you? Did it turn things around for them? Was it too stressful for you? What are some things that we may not foresee?
Thank you for any help on this. It is a large burden we would take on, but I feel like it would be beneficial for the kids and I am in a position to offer them help.
I have a sister that has a drinking problem and takes some prescription drugs (not hers). She has 3 children (18, 12, 11) who recently lost their father a few months ago to a motorcycle accident. Her boyfriend who she was with for several years past away last month. She has a monthly rent she can't make (we live in Los Angeles) and has to ask me for money in order to buy food for her family. She is devastated and none of the my other sisters (there are 4 total) are in a position to help.
I am thinking about offering for her and her children to come live with me and my wife since we have 3 extra rooms in our house. This way she doesn't have to worry about money and the children will be in a stable environment.
What I want to do is tell her that she can live with us if she goes to rehab and gets help. She is a very stubborn person and I believe that telling her that she has to go rehab will scare her off from moving in with me in the first place.
My idea is to invite her to live with me to remove the financial strain then bring up the idea of rehab and if need be, make her go (not sure how I would do this).
A few details:
-We live about 1 hour from where they currently live, so the children will be in a totally new area.
-We want to get her into rehab and train her with some computer skills so she can get a dependable office job.
-The younger child isn't even in school at the moment and has many issues with aggression.
-I am her younger brother, I'm 25 (my wife is 21) and my sister is 48. I do not know if she will be insulted because we are so much younger than her.
-My wife and I were hoping to start trying for our own family, but this will postpone it at least a year.
-Last time I talked to her on the phone she was emotionally unstable and was slurring her speech, it makes me and my wife very worried for my nephews and niece.
-All my sisters are half sisters and are much older than me so I am not as close to them as they are to each other.
-My wife doesn't work so she has plenty of time to commit to the kids or helping my sister.
-We would just take the children (they are our main concern), but my sister will never be without them.
Has anyone else attempted the same thing with their family members? How long did they stay with you? Did it turn things around for them? Was it too stressful for you? What are some things that we may not foresee?
Thank you for any help on this. It is a large burden we would take on, but I feel like it would be beneficial for the kids and I am in a position to offer them help.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
This is a HUGE burdeon for anyone to undertake--let alone someone who's only 25. You can't force your sister to go to rehab and you can't make her stop drinking. Hopefully, she'll do that one day on her own.
My advice to you (since you've asked for it) is to spend a lot of time on this forum reading as many posts as you can, so you'll be fully aware of the extent of the drama and problems you're considering inviting into your home, into your life, into your wife's life, and into your future children's life.
It's also a good idea to thoroughly research alcoholism and addictions in general so you'll understand how incideous a disease it is and how it affects everyone in the family.
I'd also suggest that you attend at least 6 Alanon meetings in your area. There you will meet family members of alcoholics and addicts and you'll see first-hand how much damage living with an active addict does to the people who love them.
You're about to invite chaos into your home. You're about to invite an active alcoholic into your home as well as a child who's violent and has anger-management issues.
You're willing to give up your serenity. You're willing to give up your wife's serenity. You're willing to take on the financial burdeon of an active alcoholic and three children. You're even willing to put your plans to have children on hold.
This is a recipe for disaster. The best way to help your sister is to let her learn how to take care of herself. Don't invite her into your home. Don't send her money. Send her a listing of AA meetings in your area.
Don't take in a child who's displayed violence into your home. Call social services and have them check on the children.
I'd think seriously before I make any of the moves that you're considering. And I have to ask why you're thinking of throwing away your life, your wife's life, and holding off on having children to save someone who doesn't want to be saved.
Please educate yourself before you take on a burdeon that's too much for you and your wife to bear.
My advice to you (since you've asked for it) is to spend a lot of time on this forum reading as many posts as you can, so you'll be fully aware of the extent of the drama and problems you're considering inviting into your home, into your life, into your wife's life, and into your future children's life.
It's also a good idea to thoroughly research alcoholism and addictions in general so you'll understand how incideous a disease it is and how it affects everyone in the family.
I'd also suggest that you attend at least 6 Alanon meetings in your area. There you will meet family members of alcoholics and addicts and you'll see first-hand how much damage living with an active addict does to the people who love them.
You're about to invite chaos into your home. You're about to invite an active alcoholic into your home as well as a child who's violent and has anger-management issues.
You're willing to give up your serenity. You're willing to give up your wife's serenity. You're willing to take on the financial burdeon of an active alcoholic and three children. You're even willing to put your plans to have children on hold.
This is a recipe for disaster. The best way to help your sister is to let her learn how to take care of herself. Don't invite her into your home. Don't send her money. Send her a listing of AA meetings in your area.
Don't take in a child who's displayed violence into your home. Call social services and have them check on the children.
I'd think seriously before I make any of the moves that you're considering. And I have to ask why you're thinking of throwing away your life, your wife's life, and holding off on having children to save someone who doesn't want to be saved.
Please educate yourself before you take on a burdeon that's too much for you and your wife to bear.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Welcome to SR Valdar. FormerDoormat has made very valid points and echoes all my thoughts exactly. Here's a post that could be a great help for you.
10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
I followed every step, one through ten, on my path to understand what I could and couldn't do to help. I can not stress enough the importance of getting educated prior to taking any steps.
10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
I followed every step, one through ten, on my path to understand what I could and couldn't do to help. I can not stress enough the importance of getting educated prior to taking any steps.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome Valdar
I think it's incredible that you want to help your sister this way. But I agree with the above - it's probably too much for you to take on. There are other ways to help your sister and her children without sacrificing your and your wife's lives.
Keep reading and posting here and good luck to you. You sound like a great guy.
I think it's incredible that you want to help your sister this way. But I agree with the above - it's probably too much for you to take on. There are other ways to help your sister and her children without sacrificing your and your wife's lives.
Keep reading and posting here and good luck to you. You sound like a great guy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Buena Park, CA
Posts: 3
Thank you for the great responses. I will definitley read around more about what I can do to help without having them move in.
We want to do this for a few reasons, the main one being that I don't want something to happen to my sister or her kids and feel like there was something I could have done about it, but didn't.
Also, I'm in a good position financially (and I'm very thankful for that), so that would not be a burden. However, I am worried about the emotional burden and that has definitley been highlighted in this thread. I need to read up on the stress this can put on family members.
I am very attached to the youngest child as he looks up to me quite a bit and I went through a very similar situation with losing my father at a young age. When that happened my sisters took care of me and raised me for a few years.
Things for my wife and I have been going so well and we are very happy and I would hate to lose that as well.
Thank you for the advice. I'll keep looking around and keep this thread updated.
We want to do this for a few reasons, the main one being that I don't want something to happen to my sister or her kids and feel like there was something I could have done about it, but didn't.
Also, I'm in a good position financially (and I'm very thankful for that), so that would not be a burden. However, I am worried about the emotional burden and that has definitley been highlighted in this thread. I need to read up on the stress this can put on family members.
I am very attached to the youngest child as he looks up to me quite a bit and I went through a very similar situation with losing my father at a young age. When that happened my sisters took care of me and raised me for a few years.
Things for my wife and I have been going so well and we are very happy and I would hate to lose that as well.
Thank you for the advice. I'll keep looking around and keep this thread updated.
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