why o why :(
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Please jen, I recommend you do not show him anything from here, practice the quote above at 3:31 that Kelley quoted or repeated. That is the most powerful comment here today, stop now and write that down and practice so it sounds like it is coming from your heart. Wait till the proper time of course. Could you make that your first baby step???
jen Please don't feel he does not love you. Perhaps you are the love of his life, you did not cause him to drink. Sometimes they can not stop no matter how much they love.
More cannot stop for a loved one than do.
Start reading all the threads and replys on here, you are not alone. I know that doesn't help right now, but at least you have found this site.
Now go back to that quote girl and start practing. LV and HUGS
jen Please don't feel he does not love you. Perhaps you are the love of his life, you did not cause him to drink. Sometimes they can not stop no matter how much they love.
More cannot stop for a loved one than do.
Start reading all the threads and replys on here, you are not alone. I know that doesn't help right now, but at least you have found this site.
Now go back to that quote girl and start practing. LV and HUGS
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hey Jen
I have no idea why they won't make a move to help themselves - sooo many times I have asked myself the same question. My husband and I are seperated and he has filed for divorce using his mistress's attorney...he has lost his home, his children, $, and most of all - all of my respect and love. Does he care? No. He has not even tried to contact us since he left us July 4th. 2006. He moved in with her and then left her the end of March. It's killing me to this very day..why? I can't answer that sweetie only have faith and hang on for as long as your heart tells you to ok.
Janet
I have no idea why they won't make a move to help themselves - sooo many times I have asked myself the same question. My husband and I are seperated and he has filed for divorce using his mistress's attorney...he has lost his home, his children, $, and most of all - all of my respect and love. Does he care? No. He has not even tried to contact us since he left us July 4th. 2006. He moved in with her and then left her the end of March. It's killing me to this very day..why? I can't answer that sweetie only have faith and hang on for as long as your heart tells you to ok.
Janet
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
It is very easy to feel consumed with the alcoholic in your life. Reading your post, that is what I see. You are consumed by him, what he is doing - why he is doing it - etc. And you know what - I've been there. I've been in your shoes trying to figure it all out, trying to make it make sense.
The truth of the matter....it will probably never make sense to me because 1) I am not him and 2) I am not an alchoholic.
I also have questioned our entire marriage - did he ever love me? Did he just use me as I was his enabler, rescuer, etc? I believe that AH loved me - in his own way. That is not to say it was the way that I expected nor the way that I would have liked. But I believe that he loved me. I just believe that alchoholism took away the inner person that my husband was. The man that I loved - the man that loved me - is gone. He may look the same, his voice may sound the same, etc - but the man that dwelled deep within that stole my heart is gone. And there is nothing I can do to bring him back.
It is very hard to not want to take control and make our A's get their act together and change them back to who they were - or who we thought they were. But we can't do that. It is out of our control - and it is not ours to control or change anyways. The alcoholic has to want to change and they have to be the one to change.
So I guess the only thing that I can see that you can control is you. What is it that you want out of YOUR life with or without your AH? What kind of life do YOU want?
It seems overwhelming right now. And when people would tell me to change myself - I really had no idea what that actually meant. That is why it's so important to educate yourself on alcoholism and codependancy. That's why it's important to find support groups (like Alanon) and why it's important that you learn how to change. To save yourself.
I hope that you will stick around and keep posting and share your journey with us.
The truth of the matter....it will probably never make sense to me because 1) I am not him and 2) I am not an alchoholic.
I also have questioned our entire marriage - did he ever love me? Did he just use me as I was his enabler, rescuer, etc? I believe that AH loved me - in his own way. That is not to say it was the way that I expected nor the way that I would have liked. But I believe that he loved me. I just believe that alchoholism took away the inner person that my husband was. The man that I loved - the man that loved me - is gone. He may look the same, his voice may sound the same, etc - but the man that dwelled deep within that stole my heart is gone. And there is nothing I can do to bring him back.
It is very hard to not want to take control and make our A's get their act together and change them back to who they were - or who we thought they were. But we can't do that. It is out of our control - and it is not ours to control or change anyways. The alcoholic has to want to change and they have to be the one to change.
So I guess the only thing that I can see that you can control is you. What is it that you want out of YOUR life with or without your AH? What kind of life do YOU want?
It seems overwhelming right now. And when people would tell me to change myself - I really had no idea what that actually meant. That is why it's so important to educate yourself on alcoholism and codependancy. That's why it's important to find support groups (like Alanon) and why it's important that you learn how to change. To save yourself.
I hope that you will stick around and keep posting and share your journey with us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Jen......so important what everyone has already said....great advice.
As for the great quote from Getting Them Sober; you can read more of the tips and book exerpts at GettingThemSober.com. I highly recommend those books,etc (I know some here must be tired of hearing me say that, but it has been so helpful to me to read and re-read those books,etc.) They are full of gentle yet powerful advice for us and how to make us feel better and in the process,give the A a good chance to want to seek recovery,too.........how can you beat that combination?
As for the great quote from Getting Them Sober; you can read more of the tips and book exerpts at GettingThemSober.com. I highly recommend those books,etc (I know some here must be tired of hearing me say that, but it has been so helpful to me to read and re-read those books,etc.) They are full of gentle yet powerful advice for us and how to make us feel better and in the process,give the A a good chance to want to seek recovery,too.........how can you beat that combination?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: London
Posts: 74
Thanks so much you all make alot of sense, but at the moment I am finacially tied to him and thats hard, I go to work he is living in my/our flat, it look like a tip 
I worked so hard to keep it nice but now I have to leave it alone as I am not living there and he treats it like a squat... hes off work today says he feels dizzy, shakey and fell over, reckons he had a bottle of wine yesterday and some cans, im not sure if he is telling me the truth but maybe if he has tried to cut down is this the signs of withdrawel symptons?? You know and all I think is oh great another day not paid (bad I know) but im trying to keep things afloat, how can I cut off while we are tied in this way, beleive me I just want him out of the flat but I cant just throw him out he has part rights and my mum says you dont want to kick him when hes down??(erh yes I do) how can I get away from him???
I worked so hard to keep it nice but now I have to leave it alone as I am not living there and he treats it like a squat... hes off work today says he feels dizzy, shakey and fell over, reckons he had a bottle of wine yesterday and some cans, im not sure if he is telling me the truth but maybe if he has tried to cut down is this the signs of withdrawel symptons?? You know and all I think is oh great another day not paid (bad I know) but im trying to keep things afloat, how can I cut off while we are tied in this way, beleive me I just want him out of the flat but I cant just throw him out he has part rights and my mum says you dont want to kick him when hes down??(erh yes I do) how can I get away from him???
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
