Tally

My ABF went back to visit his parents about 6 weeks ago (they live about 100 miles away), when he went I almost felt relief, things had been that bad that it was peaceful when he went. Whilst he was away he did the old "online flirting" thing again and the girl he flirted with had the audacity to mail their mails to me so I could see for myself what he'd been writing, basically the same old bravado he normally writes.

I IM'd him and told him we where finished and not to come back home. He carried on mailing me, told him not to because it only got me upset and it was best not to keep in touch.
He phoned me crying (he never cries), kept ringing me etc.. I stuck to my guns for nearly two weeks, I was adament that we where through.

Then I started missing him, or more like, missing the idea of him, he didn't let up, kept calling, promised he'd be better, wouldn't flirt online anymore, wouldn't neglect me and watch porn instead, would try better with my daughter, would help me around the house etc...

Well, I went and fell for the BS didn't I...

Let him come home.

The first two weeks where so, SO good. He was so sweet, attentive, affectionate, horny (lol), he helped out with housework without bein asked, was nice to my daughter, less irritable etc..I've never been happier, on cloud nine I was..

Now everythings like he'd never been away, like I hadn't mentioned how unhappy I was, like I never finihsed it at all...

I woke up this morning to the sound of his raised voice, he was shouting at my daughter for dropping litter on the garden path, called her a "stupid cow". She's 8!
So I got up, really riled and went downstairs, asked him what all the shouting was about and he said she's stepped in dog muck and was wiping it off her shoe with tissue, but she'd thrown the dirty tissue on the garden path instead of putting it in the bin.
For one, she's 8, she shouldn't have to clean dog muck off her shoes, he should have done it for her in my absense, and two,, he doesn't need to call her names to tell her off. I said all this too him, I was pretty pissed off though, so I did have a go at him..So that started the day off nicely.

He's just gone to bed for a nap because he's been drinking for 10 hours straight. So I tidied up (because he hadn't so much as took his cup out into the kitchen all morning) and turned on the PC, I immediately got porn pop ups flashing on the screen, thankfully my little girl was out playing and didn't happen to turn the PC on before me.

I check the history and theres about 20 porn sites on the history, so he's obviously had a session this morning.

He hasn't been near me for a fortnight. He's also been deleting mails from his inbox again.

I'm tired, so so tired.
Did he lie just so I'd let him come home? Did he make an effort those first couple of weeks or did he really mean it at the time.

Why do I never ruddy learn? I'm so upset, I'm sitting here in tears and I shouldn't be surprised at all.

pmaslan

Here is another post this morning that has me in a perfectly happy
state of mind...oh I am sorry that really came off smug.....
What I mean to say is that every time I read something like this
I am grateful for the peace and serenity I have now.
Those days as you described above are long gone for me
and I am so happy to be out of the chaos.
People will say and do whatever it takes to get what they want.
Since you b/f is still drinking he really hasn't changed.
I am sorry you are going through this....maybe next time he
leaves you will remember what you are going through now and
won't be so quick to let him return.

megamysterioso

Yes, he lied and he only made the effort to get you back into a comfort zone again. Words are nothing. ACTIONS tell all and anyone can "play nice" for two weeks.

You should not be consuming yourself w/checking his history online, etc. You need to be focusing on yourself so that you can finally find the answer to "why don't you learn?"

I feel for you, but only you have the power to get him and his drama out of your life completely. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

Kellye C

Not knowing him I don't know if he truly thought he could stop and then fell off or if he used it as a manipulation to get back in but bottom line, nothing changes if nothing changes.

I would throw his *ss out if nothing else to protect my daughter. No child should have to endure being called a "stupid cow"! I allowed my ex-AH to talk horrible to my children and I carry the guilt of that to this day along with the damage I did to them myself when I became an A.

This really burned me up when I read it and I didn't trust myself to answer. I don't know why you let him come back, maybe you needed further convincing that he isn't going to change. I would say you got it. Now the question is what are you going to do with that information? If you can't get out for yourself, can you get out for the sake of your daughter? Would that make it easier? God, I wish there was a way I could just snatch you out of there before his sickness infects your family further but I know I can't. The porn is a whole other issue in itself and another one that has the ability to impact your child. I went through that with my latest ex-abf. He had a porn habit and several times left the channel up and my 16 year old daughter turned the tv on and there it was! Disgusting! The first time he was remorseful, said it would NEVER happen again. The second time he was more like "I f*cked up, deal with it". I dealt with it all right as well as all the other crap.

Sorry, I digress. As I said, your post really affected me negatively. PLEASE don't let this verbal abuse of your daughter and emotional abuse of you both continue. Only you can do it and I pray that you will find the strength to do what is best for you and your child.

Big hugs,
Kellye

Tally

I thought I was so strong last time, I didn't want him back.
I missed his company when he isn't being an eejit..... but I ENJOYED the peacefulness, I didn't miss his selfishness, I didn't miss everything having to revolve around him, it was nice the place being so calm, not having to worry, walking on eggshells etc..

I thought I was so strong, that I'd reached my limit, that I'd had enough. I probably knew deep, deep down that he wouldn't change but I think I wanted to believe his lies.

I was so happy when he was making the effort, but now I'm bitterly disappointed and feel foolish for wanting to believe him, does that make any sense?

How many broken promises will it take to make me see?

megamysterioso

Try not to beat yourself up too badly about taking him back. That is a decision that you cannot go back and change, but now that you see the consequences of that decision, please learn from that mistake and move forward. I'm really concerned for you and your daughter's emotional well-being as Kellye pointed out. Your daughter deserves a peaceful life and a household that makes her feel safe and loved.

pmaslan

I agree with Kellye. I can take a lot myself but god help anyone that
messes with my kids. I have to honestly say my ex fiancee treated my
boys very well. He really was a good man behind his awful addiction.
He would have been long gone had he treated them poorly.

Pick-a-name

I guess, as many as it takes.........hopefully, I am getting to the end of my count. Sounds like you are,too.

Remember, recovery is a process...not a straight line. Every time something like this happens, I think we are one step closer to ending our part in it all. At least, that is the ay it feels for me.

One thing you wrote really hit me: you "missed the idea of him"........that is a good way to put it. That is what you are working on "erasing" with each of these wake-ups from his behavior. You'll get there, is my bet! If not for you....for your daughter. (I can do for my kids what I will not do for myself,sometimes but mess with them , and "LOOK OUT".....no stopping me!)

Hugs to you.........don't be so hard on yourself.....sounds like you already have more than enough of that.

Tally

I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself, I just feel as though I went 5 steps forward and now I've taken 10 steps back, it's too hard!

I had it planned for ages that I was going to ask him not to come back, I had to wait for weeks until he left and I bit my tongue so many times...and then a few drunken promises later and I'm back to square one.

I'm even thinking all the old stupid thoughts "why can't I make him see.." ARGH!

I know I can't make him do anything...why am I reverting back to these thoughts, I'm annoying myself!!!

We're moving house in a few weeks, totally different area, a fresh start, but it isn't going to be a fresh start is it? We'll just be moving our problems from this house to the new one!! He's promised he'll help me with the packing, but I know in reality he'll get up at the crack of dawn, sit on the sofa or at the pc, drink ALL day and leave me to do everything.

I've sat for the last few days listening to him prattling on about the new garden and what he's going to do to it, how he's going to buy decking and lay it (this from a man who hasn't got the motivation to change his underpants regulary), decking that we can't afford because every spare penny we have goes on buying alcohol and ciggarettes. I've smiled sweetly and quacked silently!

We even had a row yesterday because my daughters birthday is coming up and he thinks I spend too much money on her and it's a waste! A waste?? £250 a month on alcohol is a waste, spending £100 on my daughter for her birthday is NOT a waste!
His arguement is that she doesn't play with the things we buy her, she does, he just doesn't take any notice of what she does!

OMG! I'm back to ranting again!! I'd stopped doing this so much, I was well on the road to detachment, and now I'm right back to codieville!!!

LaTeeDa

As adults, we have choices of what we will accept and we are accountable for accepting the unacceptable. Your daughter has no choice. I hope you will choose to protect her.

(())

L

RisingPhoenix

<<How many broken promises will it take to make me see?>>

Only you have the answer to this question. Keep asking it. Hold yourself accountable for an answer. Because (and I say this with experience) the drama and pain and chaos will continue until *you* decide to change it.

I have an 8 year old daughter too. If a man in my house ... ANY man!....called my daughter a stupid cow, I'd thow his ass out and change the locks. This is inexcusable. Think about her self-esteem. It is developing right now. Stuff like this is imprinting on her. The guy that her mother chooses to be with ... whether it's your husband your boyfriend.. whatever.... is a model for her... a frame of reference for the future. Certainly we don't want her to think that it's okay for a man ... any man!.... to speak to her like this and call her names like this, right?

He has already shown you that he is not going to change... well, for any consistent, long-standing amount of time. Any change in this pattern/dynamic/life-with-him will have to be done by you.

Don't fall for the quacking!

Sorry to be blunt. I've been where you've been.

Tally

I've told him I want him to leave tonight. He downed a whole bottle of wine in two hours and has gone to bed. Said we'll talk about it "later", I said there was nothing to say, I want him out.

Thing is, I've tried to make him leave before and he won't go, got a feeling it's gonna be the same tonight, and I'm not sure how to handle it.

minnie

Hon, he won't go because he knows he doesn't really have to. He knows you'll take him back again because that's what has always happened before. Heck, you're evn planning to move house with him!!

Sweetie, do yourself and your daughter a favour and develop a backbone. If you don't want to split with him forever, at least give it a bit longer than a couple of weeks next time.

You know I say this with love and concern. But nothing will change unless YOU are prepared to change it. I know how terrifying that sounds, but there is help out there so you don;t have to do it alone.

Have you gone to an al-anon meeting yet? Or seem the doc about counselling? Or contacted a domestic violence agency? There are all avenues of support for you.

Good luck, pet.

Tally

Haven't contacted anyone, I just want him out. Caught him flirting with a 16 yr old girl online last night when I was asleep, he forgot to delete his msn logs.

I can't physically make him get out though, and I don't want it turning nasty with my daughter here, I just want him to wake up, pack a bag and bugger off!!

pmaslan

Things have already turned nasty as far as your daughter is concerned....
One more FINAL incident can't possible be any worse that what's already
gone on.....

denny57

Do you own the home? Evict him. If you rent, can the landlord evict him? Are you prepared to move to get him out of your life? I'm thinking of your daughter and what she is being exposed to.

Tally

We rent, I can't have him removed by the police or the landlord. Things could get alot worse, believe me.

minnie

Can you give notice on where you are and go somewhere else? Or you move to the new place?

I sense that you need to get creative here. If you look in the phone book for Womens Aid, I bet they'll have some good advice. Or the Citizens Advice Bureaux.

Please take the power into your own hands by getting lots of info - don't for him to do what you want because he probably won't.

Tally

I am moving to the new place, thats the thing though, I can't just up and leave right now, I have a three bedroomed house FULL of furniture, I have pets and my little girl, I have no money for removals yet, besides the new house wont be ready for at least a couple of weeks, and he knows if he's sickly sweet for a few days things will settle back into our normal routine until next time, I'm so angry with myself for taking him back!!!!

denny57

If you're willing to let things settle back into "normal," then you're right, there is nothing to be done. What is it you want to do? If you're looking for ways to get him to change, I don't have any suggestions, that's for sure! As an outsider looking at it, it seems once you can move that would solve the problem. You and your daughter move to the new place. I do hope you are considering the effect all of this is having on your daughter.

I hope all works out for the best.