Alongtimegone

In Brief: Yesterday I had a pretty amazing day in which my coworkers and I got into some fairly deep conversations. The one that stayed with me was about each of us having an experience between the ages of 1-20 where a man was sexually inappropriate with us. I stopped after work to see my husband. The topic turned to getting back together. I tried to share with him all my feelings about it, the fear, a general fear of men I have been harboring, etc. My conversations with my coworkers and how they impacted me. I told him of the fears I have about life with addictions, affairs, etc. For me, this was all about some 4th step work I am doing. I came from a place where I took full responsibility for myself and my feelings, without blame. I was honest.
Today on the phone he tells me that he does not want to get back together with me if I am going to be having a “pity party” all the time, or talking about depressing subjects. I instantly felt minimized, criticized, and (I think) abused. Can anybody out there give me some feedback, please? I guess I am doubting my own feelings. Thanks!

Gabe

Of verbalizing some feelings that you have been carrying around inside. I'm not sure where you husband is coming from with his "pity party" line. I know that my alcoholic often over exaggerated things that I said to him. He would also accuse me of saying things that I never said. IMO, alcoholics often like to be the center of attention. Your talking about the problems of your past put the focus of the conversation on you, ergo not on him.
Don't let his opinion of what you are doing stop you from working through your feelings and resolving them. It's also my opinion that a loving and supportive partner would have been happy for you that you had been able to discuss such things with other people and would feel good about that for you.
Keep up the good work, and don't let other people's negativity get in your way.
Peace,
Gabe

Alongtimegone

Thanks Gabe - I often have had the impression that he is very uncomfortable with most feelings I have - unless they are feelings of total affection/openess to him. Those are feelings I have not had toward him for a long time - due to my own "lack of safety" feelings. Bottom line - he is very anxious to get back together again, and I am very aprehensive.
He is working a recovery program, but I have also noticed his seeming eagerness to get me to ignore/totally forget about the past. He has "moved on from it,"but I have not. That's well and good for him, I guess-but I also know that he did not experience the hurts I did from the substance abuse, dishonesty, and infedelity.
He is very involved in Al-Anon, and CODA, and I think that's great, however, I often feel that the substance abuse/womanizing issues might not be being dealt with. Again - that is up to him-it's his recovery.
For me - I am exploring me own thoughts/feelings/and belief systems=my recovery. Part of that means seeing things for how they are, not how I wish for them to be, and how, exactly I will take care of/and express "me" in that process.
In short - his reaction to my fellings and expressions of them don't make me any less valid or important. I have a right to my feelings and I no longer have to justify or explain myself for having them. Nor do I have to "soothe" him because he doesn't like them.
This feels like growth.

Live

Hi, there!

It's been awhile!

I, for one, have never noticed you to be the type to get into pity, poor me or blaming. If anything, you also would rather skate over it lightly....this just from what I have seen in talking to you the last months....

I don't think any of that is the real issue(s) anyway.

Someone wiser will be along....and I'll check back...

Take care of yourself! Love and hugs,

live

Alongtimegone

Good to hear from you!
I hope you are doing okay.
Probably many of my posts seem to be "skimming" because I am acutely aware that my husband reads them and posts here often.
Perhaps I shall learn to not let that stand in my way.
By the way- could you clear out some of your PM's so i could send you one?

Thanks!!!

Stephanie

Hi Alongtimegone,

I'm pretty surprised that your husband wasn't receptive to your opening up with him, if he is working a program of recovery, that is. usually when you first get sober, a lot of the same kinds of past issues surface and unless he's led a pretty charmed life, should be feeling some of the sting from that himself.

I would think after everything you guys have been through, it's going to take a lot of this kind of work to feel comfortable enough to start the process. I find that men in general are uncomfortable with woman sharing pain. It's like they take responsibility for it even if it has nothing to do with them. That may be generalizing but the only men I have ever men that seem to be highly evolved enough to go deep are those who have worked a program of recovery. I am probably going to get blasted for that statement from someone here but it's just my opinion.

Since he is the one that had the infidelities I would think it would only be fair that he listen to your feelings, issues, and fears about it all and about getting back together. I think he owes you that. He should feel blessed that you're talking to him at all. One thing I think we bring up here quite often is that our A's are pretty good at saying we're the crazy ones. Don't buy into it. You're doing some great work in your recovery. Don't let his insensitive comments slow you down. That may just be his intention.

kate01

These are some wise people replying to you! I especially agree that "he's lucky you're even talking to him at all!" And your working on yourself and your own issues takes the attention off of HIM where he's undoubtedly had it focused in the past.

How likely are you to share your deepest feelings with him in the future if he's going to invalidate them and call your introspection and enlightenment a "pity party?"

My A made me feel like that, and two things happened. I resented him for not being supportive, and I stopped sharing with him.

Hugs to you,
kate