megamysterioso

to put things in perspective with/for me here. Last night my AH and I went out to a restaurant/bar to watch the PPV telecast of the Oscar De La Hoya fight. This is something we both thought we could do together and have a decent time. We are both boxing fans. Yeah right... I feel guilty about even taking him there NOW. Even tho I'm leaving him next month, we are trying to be cordial with each other and that has been going OK lately.

We had a good time mostly. AH refused to eat ANYTHING all day long. I did not push it, b/c you can't force a person to eat now can you???? I was detached from it all yesterday. He ordered whiskey at the bar and of course was drinking an ungodly amount of beer. Again, I said nothing and did not intervene (not my place- it is HIS stuff). Towards the end of the evening-around 11:30PM I had a bouncer come up to me and ask me if he was my husband (went thru that before he went to the ER in Jan.). I was just sitting at the bar where the TVs were watching the fights the whole time. He was sitting next to me most of the time. I said, "yes" and he told me I had to "get him out of there."

We were both escorted out (lovely huh?) w/no drama. I went around the building to get my car and pulled back to where AH was waiting and he got in. Almost immediately, he began demanding to be let out of the car. I made it only about 1/2 mile and then finally pulled over w/o really saying anything other than "ok." He got out and I drove home alone. He had no wallet on him (he left it on the bar and had I not seen it, bye bye wallet) and no cell (I had his phone shut off).

SOOOOOOO-- got a call about an hour ago from him asking me to call his dad and have his dad bail him out of jail. MIL will be picking him up in a few hours and putting the bail amount on HIS credit card. I didn't freak on the phone or even ask him what happened. I called the jail a little while ago to find out some details and he has been charged with Public Intox and Criminal Trespass. His fine amount is $1100. I cannot wait to get out of here...

Now- I suppose I'm doing the codie thing. Should I have put my foot down with the whiskey?? Couldn't I just have ignored him and taken him home????? Why did I let him go w/me there in the first place???? I realize that every decision I made yesterday was for the "right" reasons at the time, but I do feel crappy about all of it nonetheless. I'm stressing out over this new development.

FriendofBill

Nope, you made all the right decisions, unless you did call his Dad to bail him out. You dont get to control his drinking, his choice. You dont get to control his wanting out of the car, his choice.

If ya did call the Dad to bail him out...well, learn from it. He shouldve called them himself.

His choices, his consequences.

Hang in there...

Pick-a-name

mega.......sorry for your latest round of A-drama.

Except for your last paragraph (the one the codie-in-you wrote! ) I think you were GREAT! Hard as it will be.....I'd say sit back as best you can and "watch".......he's a big boy. If he can't take care of himself, then I guess if this keeps happening he will either realize that he needs help so that he can, or else he will find that he does have someone to take care of him...at jail!

Do something nice for you today and try to leave him in God's hands....this could be a blessing. No matter how he behaved, I think you were outstanding! Don't waste any more time beating up on yourself....there is NO reason for it.

p.s. Most people don't have to "babysit" their spouse if they go out for a few hours or even have to let them out of the car on the side of the road. Sometimes I forget that this A-lifestyle is totally whacked-out!

Jazzman

Oh man... Sorry you had to go through this Mega. Not much else you can do except maybe stay home next time. Hope you have a peaceful month.

pmaslan

Mega thanks for sharing this with us. It really brought back some
memories of drama I went through with John. I think you handled
everything well too. I just don't understand why you put yourself
in that position to begin with. I hope you have a peaceful day and
I hope the next month or so flies by....

Kellye C

OMG what drama!!! (((((Mega)))))

This reminded me so much of how my ex-AH would act. I don't know that I would have gone to a bar with an A but I don't think you are to blame for anything that happened. You did not force him to drink, he CHOSE to drink. You couldn't very well NOT let him out of the car because that could have put you both at danger had he gotten violent in the car. His choices led him to his consequences. Let him own them and don't take on any of the blame. It's NOT YOUR FAULT!

I agree with others who say to do something nice for yourself today. You are in the countdown with a month to go. Keep working towards your goal.

Hugs,
Kellye

megamysterioso

Thanks so much everyone and I really needed you all today. I did call his dad and the reason he did not call them directly was b/c he did not have their phone number and does not know it by heart. His dad asked me to bail him out and I said no. I don't have the money to waste on that and cannot be his rescuer anymore. MIL is coming over in a few hours to pick up AH's wallet and his bail $ is being charged to HIS credit card.

Yep- I guess it was silly to think for one minute that we could go out and BOTH be adults. Pick-a-Name was right on when she said that it's not my job to "babysit" my spouse and I guess that mentality sort of influenced my decision in going out with him. I give him way too much credit I guess. I did not play into his drama at all though, so I did right there.

megamysterioso

Oh yeah--- I really do thank you b/c I have decided not to fill my parents in on this latest news. I have no support to listen to me f2f here and I thought I would explode if I didn't get all this off my chest. You're the best.

Zoey

mega, everone said it well, so just HUGS, from me , thinking of you and hang in there.

FriendofBill

Its sad to hear his mom is going to bail him out, makes no difference if its his cc that pays for it. Saving is enabling. He needs to feel the uncomfortableness of his consequences. He is bound to repeat the same crap otherwise.

Maybe not answer the door when the rescurer comes?

megamysterioso

His step-mom's logic is that if they let him sit in there all day, that he will take out his anger on me.

pmaslan

and mega if that happens call the cops again and he can sit in jail again.
Take no crap from him when he gets home....better yet why don't his
parents just take their baby home with them staight away from jail.

megamysterioso

They plan on doing just that, so I shouldn't have to deal with anything. I will not take any crap from him or any of the blame that he will undoubtedly throw my way. He will also use the "poor me- I can't believe how long I had to wait for someone to come get me." I'm going to need all the tools in my box to not let that stuff get to me. I will not do the dance with him!

Pick-a-name

Good for you,mega....post if you need support because we are all here for you!

GingerM

You were not doing the codie thing. You went out for what was supposed to be a nice evening. You did not attempt to force him to eat (caretaking behavior), you did not comment on his drinking (caretaking/insulating behavior).

If you had 'put your foot down' on the whiskey, would it have just started a big row in the bar? It's not your job to make sure a grown man does or does not make an arse out of himself.

You then did as the bouncer asked you. And THEN you did exactly what he asked you to do: you let him out of the car. You let HIM make HIS choices AND you let him suffer HIS consequences. That is not at all codie behavior. That's the behavior of someone who is taking care of herself and letting other adults screw themselves over in whatever manner they choose.

That's healthy. Good on ya!

megamysterioso

Thanks Ginger! You are right in that I have absolutely no control or influence over what he chooses to do or not do. I will not take the blame for any of it. He is still in jail- probably festering. His step-mom had stuff to do today and she did not rearrange all of her plans just b/c he's in jail (good for her). She just called me tho and I guess NOW she is dropping him off over here b/c she doesn't want him to stress out her husband (his dad). I'm ready for him and will not entertain him in an argument of any kind.

TexasGirl

I think I've read the "right" thing to do is not go to the bar with them, but sometimes I think we just want to feel like things are normal. Usually when I try that, I end up regretting it. For example, I pretend that we can go out and be normal and have a couple, then when he's picking fights with some guy he swore was hitting on me (didn't happen), being cut off, stumbling and leaning on me on the way to the car, peeing in the parking lot while people are walking by, fighting me for the keys, and ultimately passing out on the way home, I realize that I was the stupid one for expecting it to be normal. Now, it doesn't always go down that way...sometimes we can have a couple. Usually those nights though, I go home to bed and he goes back out without me. All of this to say, I don't think there's a way to be normal with them if it involves drinking.

Jazzman

Alcoholics can not drink like normies, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow.

repeat for effect

As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow.

Only folks in solid recovery can say this with conviction.

marmee

Mega---just wanted to let you know that even though you're having a bad day, your thread has been very enlightening for me. I'm new around here and I'm learning a lot from everyone, but your thread has really made a light bulb go off. It's been 5 years ago that I got the jail call from my AH. He was arressted for domestic violence. He was drunk on liquor and beer and kicked me so hard in the head that I had a concussion(sp.?). When he called crying saying how sorry he was, I was sitting there, head throbbing, exhausted, nauseated, and before we got off the phone, I asked him if he was o.k. Sick and twisted, I know...even back then I remember thinking, "I can't believe I just did that". He hasn't layed a hand on me since-he knows I won't hesitate in calling the police and he completed an anger management course while we were seperated. I just wanted to give you props for letting everything fall on him. Good move.

Jazzman

Hey mega just had a thought. Do you keep an overnight bag in the trunk of your car w/ a change of clothes and a tooth brush? Just in case you need to slip out?