CodeMaster

Girlfriend is heavenly healthy, has lots of friends, values friendship deeply. I have my girlfriend and one guy I dont even know if I can call a friend, else then that I only know coworkers.... my point, I dont know how to setup healthy friendships and sometimes just dont believe in friends, so I dont know how to feel sometimes when my gf hangs out with hers..., like now...

She knows this guy for years, went to Stanford with him. Apparently this guy was dating his gf for years, one day he reads her journal and finds out she messed round with some other guy and so now they still living together but plan on a breakup all in all pretty peaceful (compared to what I wouldve done). Anyways...

My gf goes to this guys house randomly along with a few other close guy friends she hangs out with, she is there now at 9 pm just finished watching some show she really wanted to watch at his place alone with him. I've seen my girlfriend push guys off if we're at some club and some guy touches her, even her friends help her push guys off they REALLY dont like it. She has healthy and great friends... she seems not the type to screw me over... but this hanging out with this guy who going throuhg a breakup with his own gf kinda has me wondering how I should feel about it...

So I was wondering... should I kill him?



Second question, GF went to gynacologist (sp!?!?!) recently and had a paflamexam (SP!?!?!?) where you open your legs and yeah... well she said all female docs were booked for months so she did it with a guy she said 60+ old (dont matter to me plenty of pervs at 60). Kinda had me wondering how I should feel about that... I was thinking of killing him too....

Dont get me wrong, gf super great to me still, no red flags other then these two thing I dont know what color flags they are... Any tips???

ilovebdj

Codemaster, if you want an opinion I'll give it to you.

As far as the guy friend is concerned....have you hung out with this guy before? Have him over, socialized, etc.? Or does she only want to hang out with him alone? It seems from your writing that she may have a lot of guy friends....I too am a girl w/ mainly guy friends, and I can tell you the thought of hooking up with ANY of them makes me sick...it would be literally like hooking up with a brother. My AB doesn't mind when I hang out with them because he's hung out with them, either with me or they go off and do "guy stuff" even though they are my friends. It's at that comfort level with us. Same goes for him....he has two girl-friends and I don't mind if he hangs out with them because I know them and I know him and I know it's just a friendship.

So what you need to figure out is, is this something you are putting in your head or do you have a real reason to worry? Has she given you a reason to worry before? And mainly, do you KNOW these guy friends? That's the first thing.

As far as the gynecologist thing.....I work for a doctor. A male gyno would never give a Pap smear to a female unless there was another female in the room. Having said that, just by you thinking there might be something there for you to be upset with leads me to believe that you are putting all of this stuff in your head.

Don't do this to your girl because you'll end up pushing her away, trust me. Maybe if you don't have a lot of friends start making some. I know it's hard....but believe me you'll be better off for it. Maybe expand your horizons a little....maybe look at those co-workers with new eyes. Anyone seem cool enough to go to a movie with? Good luck.

best

Tips...
Don't kill anyone *LOL*

A Dr is a Dr. so I wouldn't worry about him. Rules say that a male Dr must have a nurse in the room with him when he is doing a check up on a female.

As to the other issue... In a calm manner, you two could talk over your feelings and maybe come to an agreement.
You say no red flags... With that I would say...just keep treating her right and giving her enough attention and trust in what you have between you both.

Minx1969

Hey Code -

As Best says..A Doctor is just a doctor and a friend is just a friend.

If you are having some issues with insecurity (which it seems like) maybe you should talk to your therapist about it..

What is it that you are threatened about?

CodeMaster

Never met him, she said they used to hang out all the time before she met me... I do trust her, but just more suspicious of this guy cause never met him and he going through things with his relationship I dont want him thinking anything...

Doc... I've seen docs who gotten sexual, I dont recall her saying a nurse was with them but I could ask and all in all I dont think anything happen.

Friends, I've had friends 10 years grow up and live by me all that time, I mean literally live as neighbors in same apt complex and as roommates in the same room at multiple same cities, multiple same homes, same church... went to same high school, he dated my sister, and we were best friends in HS who ended up frauding me of 30k of which his family paid back but left me with the impression 10 year friendship dont mean ****.

My alcoholic ex gf told me when she went to Miami (party town non stop) she slept in the same bed with some guy FRIEND she knew for years. Now I dont know about other people but that really bothered me... I believe she cheated on me considering I found emails of her talking sexual some loser FRIEND of hers who I cussed out... I think lotta my insecurity resides from so many bad past experiences... but today I think to myself... I have to decide if I should let these single incidences all extreme but all only ONCE in EACH AREA of my life hold me back from believing in people and trust itself.

I've even had a company I did work for end up trying to fraud me, wanting to keep my work, not pay me, and intimidating me with lawsuit if I dont SLAVE for them to teach them how to maintain my work. I took them to court and won, then they appealed, I won even more money.

To think of it, this kind of extreme bad experiences only happened ONCE but it happened in every area of my life. Including church...

I'm just all out of trust I tell ya... but I dont know how to fix it except I can say today I try my best to live healthy and I think before jumping if that leap is healthyor not... it seems t make all the diff.

I dont treat my gf bad, I even talked to her about it frankly, I told her I dont know how to feel and we mainly joke about it... She has NEVER given me a reason to not trust her, so I'm trying my best and I dont mean to distance us . She's my angel...

best

There is your answer.

ilovebdj

Oh yeah, and that too.

If it does worry you and you are normally frank with her, you could always just tell her exactly how you are feeling. Whether it stems from trust issues, insecurity issues, or your ex, if she is as angelic as you say I'm sure she will definitely understand. Then maybe the three of you can get together so you can see that there isn't anything to worry about. :-)

FormerDoormat

I once asked my parents if it was difficult for them to remain faithful to each other throughout the course of their 50-year marriage and they said "no, as long as you don't set yourself up for failure."

When I asked them to explain what they meant, they said:

"for example, if your father or I were to spend too much time alone with a friend of the opposite sex, it may eventually have lead to one of us having an affair. When a person spends enough time alone with someone of the opposite sex the relationship often moves from friendship to something more intimate. So why set yourself up for failure?"

When we're in a committed relationship, I think out of respect for our partners we should avoid situations where we will be spending too much time alone with someone of the opposite sex. Hanging out with friends of the opposite sex in a mixed crowd in a public place is one thing, hanging out in their apartment watching TV alone with them is another. It's a lot more intimate, even if there's no sex involved.

I would be uncomfortable if Richard was spending an evening alone watching TV with a female friend. And I know he would be uncomfortable if I were doing the same with a male friend. So we don't do it out of respect for each other's feelings and well-being and out of respect for the commitment we've made to each other.

We all know now that we can't change anyone else's behavior or their core values. But there's nothing wrong with telling her that you're uncomfortable with this situation. Maybe she has no idea how you feel about it and out of respect for you, she'll avoid situations like this in the future. Or maybe she won't share your point of view and she'll continue to engage in behavior that makes you uncomfortable. You can't control her behavior. But you can decide if you find it acceptable or not and carefully consider if she's the right partner for you.

CodeMaster

Thats an interesting point! All in moderation! I'll keep an eye out for that, I wouldnt say she excessively hangs out with anyone but if she keeps it up with this one guy watching TV alone I'll tell her to quit it! Else I might have to killl em!!!

I'm always very frank with her in a nice way (90% of the time at least!!)

Zoey

Code, Sure hate you are emotional right now, have you tried suggesting she ask him over for a barbeque so you could meet him? Maybe she knows you won't like him, or he doesn't feel up to trying to make small talk yet???

It is so hard to realize we cannot make someone love us, hard to face the fact that sometimes people stop loving us. Hard to live life on lifes terms. We are powerless over others.

(I don't think she is doing anything wrong, as she sounds like a person that would tell you if she was interested in someone else as she knows how you have been hurt)

Are you two just friends, or have you disscussed commitment? Does she know how much you care for her, or does she think you are still in love with your ex??

LV YA and BIG HUG

ICU

I particularly like what FD said here. I think if most couples would look at their relationships like this, there would be a whole lot less 'relationships gone wrong' happening. The key here is 'respect', for ourselves, the person we are involved with, and the relationship.

Code, maybe your clue would be to explain to her how it makes you feel, (without accusing her of any wrong doing), and see how she reacts, if she understands, and cares about your point of view and feelings. Maybe ask (in a nice way) how she would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. Time will tell.

As far as the doctor goes, I wouldn't even mention that one to her. But, that might be something for you to look at further within yourself. He is a professional...nothing for you to be alarmed at.

Good to hear from you again.

megamysterioso

I didn't have time to read all the replies, so I'm posting just based on your original concerns.

Please refrain from killing anyone Code! Ok, I'm a woman who's best friends have been men 95% of the time. Two of my best friends are both dudes that I've known for 20 years (I'm 34). I eventually dated both of these guys when we were teenagers, but after we broke up, we remained great friends b/c we hung out in the same circle. Let me just say that both of these fellas have seen men come and go in my life. I've NEVER left any of my bfs to be with one of these people. We truly are JUST friends. I have no romantic feelings whatsoever for either of them. We DO however share years of memories and they know me well. We have a bond that is hard for others to grasp. When I married my AH, he would become infuriated when one of these guys would call! They both live OUT OF STATE for crying out loud. I too have NEVER given my AH any reason to distrust me and would NEVER be unfaithful to him with anyone. Anyhow--- it really made me resent AH for a long time. Please don't let that happen between you and your girl b/c it sounds like you have a great relationship overall. Your paranoia will eventually get old to her.

As far as the gynecologist thing is concerned, PUUUHHHHLEASE. Let me just say that going to see the gyn. is about as "sexy" to us women as a root canal. When I lived out of state, my regular gyn. was a man and I never had any problem with it. I could never get in to see his wife (who shared a practice w/him) b/c she was always booked. Therefore, I assigned him as MY doc and he was the best gyn. I've ever seen. That is STRICTLY a medical procedure and you need to leave it at that.

All the best and lay your worries to rest.

denny57

I have made a very good friend in Al-Anon who happens to be a man - we hang out quite a bit as his girlfriend lives a distance. Very early on I made a point of asking him to introduce me to her and now we're all friends, I just don't see her as much. I agree with others who have said this - get to know the guy instead of demanding something of your girlfriend. Good luck!

GingerM

A slightly different slant on what others have said:

If I were dating you, and you were to tell me who I could and could not be friends with, you would be history so fast you wouldn't even remember what day it was.

If I were dating you, and you were to tell me that it makes you uncomfortable that I spend x amount of time with MaleFriend01 whom you don't know, I would take your feelings into consideration, and maybe ask MaleFriend01 to come to my house to watch our favorite tv show instead of his house, because I care about you and wouldn't want to hurt your feelings or violate your trust.

As for the gynocologist, it does concern me that you may have some control issues and anger management issues surrounding what your Girlfriend is doing when you're not with her. Having a pap smear to a woman, is much like having your prostate checked for a man. It's not something we enjoy, look forward to, or particularly care to do. I, for one, would love to never have to do it again. But every year I go in, and have people stare into parts of me that shouldn't be being stared into, then spend the rest of the day cramping from the 'scrape' that they do. And as other's have said, if it was a male doctor, there would have been a female in the room. I don't know if this is required by law, but male doctor's do this to avoid any possible insinuation that anything innappropriate is going on. I have had many male gyno's, and never once did they do an exam without another female in the room. The fact that you're worried that your girlfriend saw a male gynocologist seems to indicate to me that you have both trust issues and control issues.

I am not saying this as an indictment of you, I am saying this as an aide to you: something for you to look deep inside yourself and think about. Why should you be jealous or nervous or concerned that your girlfriend had a medical procedure performed by a member of the opposite sex? Would you feel the same way if it was a mammogram? Would you feel the same way if he was swabbing her throat to see if she had strep throat?

Just some things to think about.

CodeMaster

Thanks everyone,

Just for some clarification, my "emotional anger management" killing note was a joke, I say that to my gf as a joke and she calls me psycho and its funny that way. I never tell her who she can hang out or how much time, I was simply asking how people felt about others hanging out alone and close and at night.

Its not really a big deal, but its something I just wanted to check up with my trusted friends here...

sunshine003

code, the gyno concern is a bit over the top although, I laughed thinking, "is he for real or being funny?" So just drop that whole thing. But the way you described it, is she trying to stir up jealousy in you? Sounds to me as if you are a jealous type person, is this true? If so, I'm sure she knows that and some girls like it. I however, wouldn't want anyone to be jealous of my gyno, that would be absurd to me. I've had many a men gyno's and never felt uncomfortable with anything.

As far as the guy friends, that's a tough one. I wouldn't want anyone I was dating to be hanging out at some girls house.....especially if I didn't know her. It would just make me wonder. However, my exhusband had a few friends who were girls, I knew them and it didn't bother me when he hung out with them AFTER I met them. Once I met them I laughed at myself for ever feeling it was wrong.

sunshine003

I thought the killing part was a joke, LOL................so yeah, that could be the answer to the guy friend but not the gyno for heavens sake, LOL

sunshine003

oh and that answers my question, you are the flirty kinda jealous guy AND she likes it. Are you guys young? I just remember being that way in my late teen-mid twenties but I out grew it, LOL.

kinda endearing the ongoing joke between you. Go meet this friend of hers and I bet you'll feel more at ease.

gelfling

okay, deep breaths. Think before reacting in any way with the exception of killing someone. Don't even go there.

How's therapy coming along? Have you voiced your concerns to her?

Huggers

dollydo

I have a male friend, we have known each other for 30 years. No hanky panky, we are just friends. That's it.

Where is it written that one cannot have a friend of the opposite gender?

We each live our own life, yet on occasion enjoy each others company.

Just me,

Dolly