happy ever after???

Old 05-03-2006, 01:50 AM
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happy ever after???

I have been reading lots of posts and can I ask have any of you had a happy ending, detached left your husband/partner and gone back when he changed/worked at himself/liked himself? I am aware it never goes away but I just wondered if there is hope of any reconciliation stories.
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Old 05-03-2006, 03:20 AM
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Not quite what you want to hear I guess, Jen, but I am in the process of having a reconciliation with myself.

And I intend my life to be a "happy ever after".
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Old 05-03-2006, 04:20 AM
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not very hopeful then
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Old 05-03-2006, 04:30 AM
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I can think of a few that post here that have shared a "happy ending" story. Where the SO gets sober, stays sober, works a program and successfully modifies their behavior.

I consider my story a happy ending/new beginning for myself though.....
Life goes on w/ or without....
I choose life
Some folks SOs choose something less than life.
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Old 05-03-2006, 04:44 AM
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Hey(((Jen)))

There are people who can get their lives on track. I think it takes effort on both peoples part not just one. I believe in order for a relationship to work there has to be some kind of balance. The balance looks different to each individual. Are you looking for a relationship where each person gives 100%? It is difficult to get 100% out of someone who is still in love with their drinking or drugging.

It requires honesty and devotion I think to get past the damage done to a relationship that has been torn apart by addiction. Both people have to change. We have to stop doing what we did that supported the disfunction and believe me that is just as difficult as what the A in our lives has to go thru to get clean and sober.

For some people it is best to do what is necessary to get themself clean and sober reguadless of what others around them are doing. We codies have to stop blaming their drinking on our disfunction cause we would not be involved with an A in the first place if we did not have some baggage of our own so I think it is key to for us to get real if we want or expect an A to get real with us...
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Old 05-03-2006, 05:00 AM
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I'm glad I never looked for happy ending years ago. I let go, actually I didn't take hold - I wouldn't let D be more than a friend, I knew he was in real trouble, I knew he didn't want to deal with it. What I thought of him as a person was about who he was then, WHO he was not what was happening - I liked him, he was a gentle, caring, funny clever guy. But it was so sad to see him decide he's rather drink himself to death, it seemed like such a loss. It did hurt to watch, he didn't like me or anyone being hurt so left, I didn't try to find him, didn't try to see how he was - I had seen enough to know I didn't like watching.

For years I got on with life, finished uni, got a house, a car, travelled, got a horse and two dogs, got a dream job, LIVED. I had fond memories of D but zero expectations, after a few years I guessed he'd probably be dead on insitutionalised, I felt lucky to have known him though. I stayed single because mostly other men were like a christmas present I unwrapped then didn't like!

A decade later I got an email from D. In the years between he had gone the majority of the way on his own, he rang me sober, employed, a driver with a flat. He was far from dead or institutionalised and I was overjoyed.

Had I known that would happen, had I gone to look, had I never let go I don't think it would have happened at all. We talk about it sometimes and how it wouldn't have worked all those years ago. I couldn't have lived those years hoping and wishing just for one thing because I had a life to live and my own growing up to do.

Anyway - here's the happy ending we got married and I have no regrets. Despite last year when D took double the dose of beta blockers after the doc told him his heart was too slow - then went drinking, despite the fact it was far from over. What I can't so easily describe is how much I needed those years between, to find my own feet and for him to find his. Without it being that way I don't think he would have been sober for the last 6 months.

I don't regret letting him go - even if that had been the last I'd seen it would have been the right thing for US at THAT time. I don't regret marrying him a decade later either as a complete package, NOT based on wishing and hoping.
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Old 05-03-2006, 05:25 AM
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Hopeful? I am am majorly hopeful about my future. Mainly because my happiness is not dependent on anyone else changing but me.
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Old 05-03-2006, 05:36 AM
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Ack - minnie, I meant basing life on what is rather than on wishes. I'm hopeful and have wishes but my life and my choices are based on what is. I might wish to be a millionaire but I don't make choices based on winning the lottery. I might entre the lottery though because of my wish.

Am I making any sense?
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Old 05-03-2006, 05:43 AM
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Totally, Eq!! Sorry - I was referring to Jen's reply to me.
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Old 05-03-2006, 07:46 AM
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Very wise advice up there I think. It's different for everyone. What scares me the most about the possibility of AH getting sober during our separation (if we don't go straight to divorce which is very much a possibility) is that he could be sober for 10 years or more and relapse and then where would I be? The choices regarding this matter however are different for each of us and should be made based on "what is" and not just the "wish." For me, I think it would be difficult commiting myself to a sober AH just b/c of my own fear of what the future may hold. That is not the right attitude to take on when supposedly planning an entire life with someone IMO. I really am taking this one day at a time b/c as we all know, a lot can happen in the mere course of one week around here. My AH is NOT sober now and may never be for all I know.
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Old 05-03-2006, 08:46 AM
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Hi Guys,

I think about it. " How do you get it back to good?" Too early for me, the wife or STBXW seems to be getting better.....but she did so much damage with her affair with another drunk, DWI's etc. that frankly I do not trust her.

She says its all behind her, the affair, drinking.......but it is way to early.

How long do we put our lives on hold? Or as someone else mentioned, what if they start drinking again a few years later? Right now I am still young enough, attractive enough, enough money to move forward with my life.

What do you want to do?
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Old 05-03-2006, 09:03 AM
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I now know not to put my life on hold waiting for "progress" from another person. I really am taking it one day at a time and basing all my decisions on the facts that are present during the time in which the decisions need to be made (if that makes sense LOL).

When I think about all this, I think that it is a somewhat selfish, codie way of thinking in ways such as "if he/she does this or that I will consider that 'enough progress' and possibly take him/her back." I don't think it's unfair considering what we have all been through to NEED our A to "prove themselves" though. It's a delicate situation, but at the same time I also think the A's progress is something we needn't get too caught up in. We cannot allow ourselves to be that wrapped up in someone else's decision making. These questions only arise b/c of our new-found growth. We are ultimately seeking what is best for US and our peace in the long run and want to make the "right" decisions. I guess it's really up to the individual whether or not to let go completely or try again. How long??? However long you are willing to feel that "your life is on hold."
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Old 05-03-2006, 09:05 AM
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Happy endings....hmmmm
I am finally having a happy begining.....
for the first time in a very long time....
Letting go of something or someone that is holding us back
is when we begin to have happiness period.
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Old 05-03-2006, 01:49 PM
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am finally having a happy begining.....
for the first time in a very long time....
Letting go of something or someone that is holding us back
is when we begin to have happiness period
I love this!
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Old 05-03-2006, 02:03 PM
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Hi confused_jen

I know what you mean - this was my thinking at the "beginning," too. I just wanted to hear someone say that it had all worked out. What I didn't realize back then was that working out didn't necessarily mean staying together. I have met people whose SO's did recover and the relationship continued. So yes, it's possible. I have learned along the way that isn't my goal anymore.

We say that an alcoholic has to want to recover/change for themselves. I believe that is true for us, too. If part of that process is realizing just what is being given up by destructive behavior (on both sides) then you can change yourself based on what you want to keep in your life. But you can't change hoping the other person will respond the way you want or think.
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Old 05-03-2006, 03:45 PM
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I know exactly how you feel. I want so badly for someone to tell me that there is hope but at the same time I know that we both have alot of recovery and healing to do, especially since there is children involved. I love my husband very much, but do I love him enough to detach and let him heal, do I love myself enough to let myself heal? If that's what we need, then yes I do. I need to learn to take this one day at a time and learn that this is something that I have no control over. The only thing I have control over is Me and the welfare of my son. If we find our way back to eachother, then I hope that we will be strong in that, and never let it fall by the wayside again. In the meantime, I need to prepare myself for the VERY real possibility that we will not be together. My AH and I have been seperated for two months tomorrow and I spent much of that time angry and not dealing with the core issue. I need to remember that I don't want to go back to what was happening in my life, and that needs to be the forefront thought in my mind. Nothing else.
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Old 05-03-2006, 07:14 PM
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I got pregnant when I was 22. I love my son. I love his Dad deeply. I have been around drinkers my whole life.. I hate it. My Husband drinks every night. Rather it is one or twelve. Sometimes he starts at noon and makes day out of it. I told myself I would not marry a drunk I promised myself, that my son could have better, better than I had. In Feb I married him, And we are in a spot that the drinking is at high. He told me he was taking my son to fish. He swore that he would not drink, He lied I was so pissed. I yelled I screamed I told he was a bad dad. And he is not.... I need help I cant do this. I am not sure where to post this. Any words of wisdom.......... I love him I will not live like this
Amanda
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Old 05-03-2006, 07:28 PM
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Welcome, Amanda (lostnbfe)

Why don't you start your post as a new thread? You'll definitely get more responses that way.

Glad you're here!
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Old 05-03-2006, 07:55 PM
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Well, maybe I'm just foolish or a hopeless romantic or both but I'm still hoping for that happy ending. My AH is sober 65 days for the first time in over 15yrs. He attends AA meetings fairly regular 2 to 3 times a week. I attend Alanon weekly and read everything I can about codependancy and do the work required at the end of each chapter (Beyond Codependancy). When he isn't attending meetings daily I see a change in his attitude and he seems to become depressed. But, he's willing to listen to my opinions and observations but I always preface what ever I say that it's up to him to take care of him and up to me to take care of me. It's very difficult, no doubt. But as long as we stay honest with eachother and true to ourselves and our feelings my hope is that over time it will get easier. Old ways will be unlearned and replaced by new ways of living. As long as he's working his program and taking care of his business I have decided that I want to be in this marriage. I too have contributed to his addiction by never allowing him to suffer the consequences of his actions. That was not love that was my sickness brought about by years of living with an active AH. I don't know what our future holds but just for today I'm thankful for his sobriety and my continuing journey to discover true happiness within myself and not from outside sources or people. I hope that mine will be a happy ending. Today was good and, tomorrow hasn't come, the past is over and the future is impossible to predict. Living in the present and working on myself is what I intend to keep doing. I hope he continues to do the same. A happy ending is going to take a lot of work on both of our parts but we are committed to giving it all we have to get there. He's worth every bit of effort I put into our relationship and I am worth every bit of effort he puts into our relationship. I am a person who strives to see hope in everything, even when things seem hopeless. Life is forever changing but until recently I didn't see the need for me to change. Now I know that change in my life is up to me only. Change in his life is up to him. Our psychotherapist has told us it is possible to maintain our relationship and even grow closer because of this experience but it's up to us to do the next right thing for ourselves by ourselves. So, although the journey to get there may be a long and bumpy road we've chosen to do it together, separately if that makes and sense?
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Old 05-03-2006, 08:55 PM
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I think it's unrealistic to expect "happily ever after." Nothing lasts forever. But can you make the best of your current situation and your current relationship? Can you turn your life around? You betcha.

There are some happy endings and successful reconcilations among us. I, for one, am thoroughly enjoying the time I spend with Richard, my recovering alcoholic boyfriend. But before he found a path to sobriety, I had moved on and was thoroughly enjoying life without him.

A number of folks on this forum are happily living with the recovered and active alcoholics in their life. How do they do it? By learning from their past mistakes. By learning new coping mechanisms. By learning how take the focus off of the addicts in their lives and placing it on themselves. By being open to new ideas and new solutions. By learning to let go of anger and replacing it with compassion and understanding. And most importantly, by learning how to be happy with themselves first.

You can't be happy sharing your life with others until you learn how to be happy yourself.
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