small159

A group of my friends are concerned about one friend who has shown signs of alcholoism. There was a time he went out drinking but was too drunk to drive, so he walked home. On the way home he got mugged and beat up pretty bad. The next day he walked around for sometime looking for his car, as he forgot where he parked it. The evening proved to be a sobering experience for him.....at least it seemed to be as he didn't drink much in front of us after that. He now drinks with us, but seems to keep it under control. I know for sure he is still drinking quite a bit and putting his safety on the line. Our friend is a successful architect who is also a landlord of a beautiful home in Maryland. I think he is struggling with being gay. He hasn't come out to us, but most of us believe he is. We don't care. I wish he knew we wouldn't judge him. Anyway, I/we just don't know how to approach him. Any suggestions on how to suggest an AA meeting or some other intervention?

Thank you.

daddysgirl29

Ooof. That's though. Well, you're a good friend for keeping answers to help him - that's for sure. Has anyone said anything to him yet? When he's sober, has anyone taken him aside, in a calm setting, and said that you were concerened about his welfare, and about the time he walked home drunk and got beat up? Perhaps focussing on one subject to start, instead of all of them (not that you would...), will lessen the blow(?)

More people will come along shortly w/ more answers. He's obviously got a lot on his mind if you think he's struggling w/ his sexuality, too (and isn't it a shame that he has to worry about that? I can't wait until we live in a world where EVERYONE is accepted, no matter what their orientation!)

Good luck and welcome to SR.
DG

GingerM

Daddysgirl has a good point in that *if* you're going to talk to him, make sure it's coming from a place of love, and that he is aware of how much you/your friends care about him and worry about him. You may be able to slip in something to the effect of no matter what he does or what decisions he makes, you'll still care about him and want the best for him (thus avoiding the sexual orientation subject head-on, but letting him know that the love is unconditional).

Having one of these discussions is not easy. It takes a tremendous amount of courage and a tremendous amount of love for the person you're trying to help.

While the media likes to portray interventions as big group sessions with everyone in the family all talking to the person at once, the reality is, being pounced upon by a pack of people is very intimidating and may cause even more problems. He needs to hear the same message from all of his friends, but one at a time will make it easier to swallow.

I might start by just telling him in an aside that you value his friendship, and you see that there seems to be something bothering him, and you want to let him know that you're there for him no matter how big the issue is. Then let it sit for a few days or a week or so. Then approach him again, being slightly more specific, wait again, approach again etc, each time getting more and more specific until you think he is going to be at least partially receptive to being told that you're worried that he's an alcoholic and needs help.

Two rules to bear in mind:
The first rule of medicine: first, do no harm
The first rule of rescue: do not put the rescuer at risk

In other words, do your best, but not at the expense of yourself. Particularly if you have previous history with alcoholics in your immediate family or previous alcoholic relationships, you are in danger of getting sucked into a toxic world. Doing your best means that you can be supportive, you can be encouraging, but you can not MAKE him see something he doesn't want to see, and it may drive him further down the very path you're attempting to keep him from going down.

It's a fine line, and I don't envy your position. He will not be willing to try being sober until he's ready to try being sober. You can't do much to make him be ready, that's his path to walk.

small159

One of our friends works with him and notices when he comes in late and looks like hell, which isn't often (although he has a week here and there where he comes in late every day). They talk sometimes and my friend has mentioned to our alcholic friend that he should seek help, but that is where it was left. Last week when we went out for happy hour he had several beers and opened up to me. We talked about his alcholism and I asked him if he thought he was an alcholic. He just shrugged his shoulders and said some people could surmise that. He began to tell me that he doesn't know who he is. I KNOW he was referring to being gay. He didn't get into it anymore than that! He just clammed up. We left the bar at 11pm. The next day he sent me an e-mail and told me he made a few stops on the way home and didn't get in until 4am! Ugh! I responded to him with my concern for his safety and offered to attend AA meetings with him if he felt like he would go. He didn't respond to me and I am afriad he will never talk to me about this again. I don't know what to do.

small159

GingerM - thank you so much! I have a clarity I didn't have before on this issue. I am going to share your post with my friends. I am happy to have this forum to dump my stress on......thanks again to you and Daddysgirl29!

jimhere

Once again I'll refer to the book Alcoholics Anonymous. I would suggest that you read chapters 2 & 3. It will give an understanding of why he does what he does. I would also suggest chapter 7 and the chapter titled "To Employers." Those chapters will give you an idea of how to approach him.

As to his being gay, it should not be an issue. I know many fine people in AA who are gay or lesbian and they have great recovery. I count many of them among my friends and I am not gay.

small159

Jimhere,

Thank you. Being gay is not an issue for us (his friends), but may be THE or AN issue that is driving him to drink. He is 35 years old and may have been struggeling with his sexuality for years. I am sure alcohol is a nice buffer for him. What ever is the driving force behind his drinking, it is something that we his friends want to help him deal with.

GettingFree

This is all speculation of course, but one thing he may be dealing with is trolling the gay bar scene as well -- particularly if he hasn't come out in his work environment or with his straight friends and is dividing the world into two parts.

And if he's out till 4 (or later), he may be mixing alcohol with other drugs (a fixture in the gay club scene) which can also explain coming in late and looking like hell -- not that alcohol can't do that all on its own. Again, this is all just total speculation.

I have a very dear gay friend who after years of concern by friends, has finally sought help and been in therapy now for 5 months for sexual addiction which was accompanied by substance abuse of alcohol and a range of other drugs -- coke, E, K, etc. I know that often an evening for him would start with drinking at a venue with work friends where there was a lot of comraderie, and then when everyone said goodnight, he'd progress to 'other stops' where the other substances would be used. At the same time he was totally 'functional' -- a very successful art director in a large ad agency.

In addition to AA, individual therapy may be really helpful for your friend. But to be honest, I have no idea how to get someone else to seek help until they're ready.

With my friend, although we were concerned, it wasn't the concern of his friends that finally got him to turn things around, but just too many close calls.

gf

small159

GF,

Hmm. That is an interesting analysis of what he could be up to. I didn't think about what he was doing other than drinking. Just like your friend, my friend mentioned to me that he has had a few close calls. Maybe it will take another one to open his eyes to the insanity of his life style. He acknowleged his "living on the edge" life style, but seemed almost like he didn't know what else to do.

Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing your friend's story.

GettingFree

Again, with the acknowledgement this is all huge speculation -- if the gay club scene and drugs are part of what's going on, it can be a lot more dangerous than alcohol alone.

As I began my own recovery, I had to pull away from the friend I spoke about as it was too hard for me to be around him and watch him self-destruct. We eventually reconnected after he started to turn things around and I'm really glad. But till then I actually would not have been surprised to learn he had become seriously ill or had died from an OD. The other danger is contracting HIV. The substance-induced loss of judgment and lowering of inhibitions in an environment which is often all about hooking up, can lead to unprotected sex. I know it did in my friends' case many times, and he just ended up lucky on that score, but he took lots of chances.

If your friend isn't out with you, it may be pretty difficult to find a way to ask him directly about this. But perhaps the question of whether he's using any other drugs can be sensitively broached.

Again -- this is all so speculative. Even if he's gay isn't a certainty. And I may be sounding off alarm bells in you that are entirely unnecessary. But 'living on the edge' does sound like it fits with what I'm talking about.

Good luck -- I know how hard it is to watch someone in this state.

gf

small159

GF,

I would rather alarms be sound off than to have someone down-play the dangers of this life style. Thank you for your opinion. We (his friends and I) at one point wondered if we are tempting his addiction by inviting him to dinners/nights on the town that involves drinking. I still wonder what I should do about that. Every where we go involves alcohol. Part of me feels like he should buck up and get this under control....part of me feels like I am enabling his addiction. Ugh! I have to say that as I am typing this I wonder if I am blowing this whole ordeal out of proportion. Maybe he is just a social drinker with some personal issues that are numbed by alcohol. Maybe he will snap out of this. I think of him as a healthy, happy, funny, creative guy; alcoholic just doesn’t fit in there. BUT, I am smarter than my emotions. I know he has an issue and he definitely needs our help.

GettingFree

You can't fight his problem for him. It might be different if he were in open recovery and was choosing to stay away from situations in which alcohol was consumed. Then you and your friends could be responsive and supportive of HIS choices and maybe get together in a coffee bar at times. But until he makes it his choice, you're not going to have much success taking on any responsibility. He'd find other ways and it may just damage your friendship.

This is a challenge for anyone choosing a sober path. Alcohol consumption is a fixture in social gatherings between humans today and it does change the nature of the interaction. Although I've had my share of overdoing it in the past, alcohol was not my particular problem. I still will occasionally have a glass of wine or beer, but that's quite seldom these days.

As I followed my own recovery, the gatherings in public places where large amounts of alcohol was consumed became...well, boring to me. No judgment intended here -- it's just the process I observed myself going through. My values changed. What was important to me changed. And the way I chose to spend time recreationally and with friends changed.

Occasionally, I'll still join a group of people in a situation where they're drinking, generally colleagues, but I usually leave early, certainly when things become sloppy. If I'm travelling in a work situation, I'm always the one to turn towards the elevator up to my room for a hot bath and my book while the others turn towards the bar.

good luck,

gf

GingerM

echoing what GF said above:

You could enable me to drink all you wanted, and I would not drink. I've been dry for 14 years, and even cold medicines burn my throat now and make my stomach upset. You can enable a person all you want, and if they choose not to drink, they will not drink. (oy, the problems this causes with my parents trying to force me to drink with them, you'd think after 14 years they'd have stopped trying).

He will drink until he is ready to not drink anymore. Whether you help him or not.

One thing that might truly help him is for you to offer him rides to wherever your circle is meeting at. That way, when you all are wrapping up the night, you at least know he's made it home safely. If he chooses to go out again, that is his option, but you have placed an obstacle in his path. Then again, that's taking responsibility for his behaviors - something you don't want to do. He needs to be aware that HE is responsible for his behaviors.

You and his friends can love him and care about him, but he needs to decide when it's time to change.

small159

I am truly grateful to have found this website. I appreciate all the advice, comments, questions, support, etc. We will see how things go in the following week(s). I e-mailed him today reiterating my friendship and love for him. He knows what I am referring to....his drinking. I just hope he is responsive to me whether he discusses his drinking (which I doubt) or just simply responds to my e-mail with daily nonsensical stuff.