JessicaNAJ

Seems I do try to control situations. I force G to do things he wouldn't normally do. Then, it becomes a situation where he does what I want him to do and not what he wants. BUT ...down the line when I try to point out to him that he's never there for us, he reminds me of everything he's done as if it was HIS choice. I get confused and feel bad for my accusations and for not remembering. But he's so certain.

SO......

The other day my son had a "Dinner with Dad" at his school. He showed the paper to G...G didn't respond. My son assumed G didn't want to go and said, "You probably couldn't get there anyway". and sadly walked away. I said nothing...except that I could give G a ride to my son's school. The next day my son calls me at work..."Mommy, I left 2 messages for daddy, I want him to come but I can't get ahold of him." I told him I would go on my lunch and talk to him, but if his dad couldn't make it, I'd see if Grandpa could go. He said, "Ok. I just want to go."

I talked to G, asked him if he was going...He said he was conflicted. I said nothing. About 30 minutes later, I asked again...said if he was going, we would need to leave really soon. He asked me what I thought he was going to do. I told him I had no idea. G said he wasn't going....that he had nothing to wear, no way back, and "I ask him why he didn't tell me sooner" (now he's blaming my son). EXCUSES EXCUSES. YOU DON"T KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS TO BITE MY TONGUE. I simply said, "that's your choice." So I called Grandpa and he gladly went on very last minute notice.

By me not saying anything....I took any guilt or blame that I may feel off of me. I left it to him.....I will not claim any guilt or blame or whatever that G may feel for letting down his son....it's his and I left him with it. I know that I did everything I could do and that is what is important to me.

In the end....my son was very happy his grandpa went and he had such a good time too.




Yep....I really think this experience will open my eyes. I have been dealing with toooooo much guilt. It was tearing me up...I was tearing me up. I will simply evaluate what this is or is not doing for me and that is all I will own. His choices are HIS and are not for me to own.

Pick-a-name

Hi Jess.....you sound so much "calmer" to me; so glad you are doing well.

As I recall, you have been reading "Getting Them Sober". The reason I bring this up, it is this dealing with our "irrational guilt" that Toby Rice Drews points out,etc that has been critical for me to get over also in my dealings with my AH. It has helped me alot, and I see the same is true for you. I read and re-read those books over and over again so that hopefully it sinks in so that it becomes a normal "reaction". I think for me it helps me "detatch with love".....not just try to look the other way. It gives the ownership of the consequences to the rightful owner without fuss or anger or insult,etc.,etc. When I finally started learning this, the dynamics started to change in the family and it became more obvious that what he assumes is a martial problem is something else and more far-reaching......and I am calmer and happier,too. Much better for both of us. (I stayed in the middle too long, but one reason was he was/is a mean drunk but the kids are able to "hold their own " now in most cases now. They have their own self-imposed boundaries...good for them and their dad,too. Like TRD says: "if it is good for the family, it is good for the alcoholic"......it is not good for them to be able to bully,etc us.)

Thanks for posting it......it helps to see it "in action".

I'm glad your son and his Grandpa had fun.

And as for any guilt, let G. have it..where it belongs (and where it can also possibly do some good.)

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BTW: If any of you are interested, you can read portions of these books online at http://www.GettingThemSober.com at the link that says "books" and also lots more under "Tip of the Month" link.

Kellye C

Jessica, I think you did great! You gave "G" the opportunity to do the right thing. He hemmed and hawed around coming up with excuses. Rather than buying into it you had a back-up plan for your son (Grandpa) and your son was not harmed by G's selfishness.

There is no guilt here for you. You did the best you could do and your son got to go to the dinner. I think that is a win-win for you, your son and Grandpa.

Hugs,
Kellye

JessicaNAJ

Thank you Pic and Kellye. It really felt good to let him own it. Its amazing how well that works. I'm halfway through this book....on to the next one soon

Pic...I am calmer, b/c I realize the only control I have is my own. Duh....but I'm getting it.

ALL the choices I make from here on out will be about me.....How will my actions affect me?

StandingStrong

Seperating what belongs to who is a big one. It took me a long time to finally figure out how to do that. I, like you, was one of those people that felt the guilt for everything, who took the blame for everything, and always felt that I was the failure. I've come to realize that I was carrying ALL the crap which allowed AH to carry little to none of it.
You did a good job Jessica. I hope you stay on that path.

FormerDoormat

Well done, Jessica! You found a great solution. So glad to hear that your son was able to attend. Perhaps G didn't want to attend because, compared to the other dads there, he may see himself as a failure at the moment. And if that's the reason, wouldn't that be a shame? I'll bet the reason that he didn't want to attend had nothing to do with having appropriate attire. I'll bet it had everything to do with a serious lack of self esteem and his fears about how other folks attending the event might view him as jobless, potentially homeless, and an out-of-control alcoholic.

Maybe if you look at it in this light, you can better understand his behavior and realize that his actions were likely a form of self-preservation as opposed to apathy towards you and your son. And how sad is that for G? And how sad is that for you and your son? Alcoholism is truly a family disease. Glad to see you focusing on ways to break the cycle.

JessicaNAJ

Thank you SS and FD. FD....I did think of that and Yes, that is very very sad. But it's not up to me to "smooth things over" and try to make him feel better. Especially if he did not volunteer that information.

And yes....I'm trying like hell to break the cycle. Nothing changes if nothing changes...and in the last 2 years, nothing has changed. I think its about time. Like I said, the last 5 months have been hell for me. But it was a hell I created all by myself and I don't want to do that anymore.

FormerDoormat

I agree that it's not up to you to smooth things over. They're G's demons and he'll have to deal with them when he's ready.

megamysterioso

Hi Jess and I'm glad to hear that your son had a great time with Grandpa. You sound like you're making solid steps everyday to make your life better for you and for that I commend you. Your issues to own versus his are two very different things and you should not carry all the burden. No ONE person can carry all the burden in any relationship. All you can do is make choices for yourself. Wishing you continued success during all the trials we face.

pmaslan

Jess, I know how difficult the last 2 years have been for you.
It is good to see that you are understanding your part
in the control issues....everyone has their own time
to make choices and you will find your time when you are
ready...no one is rushing you it is your discision completely.....