I think I made the wrong decision twice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 5
I think I made the wrong decision twice
with the same AH!
Two years ago, I left my AH of 11 years. I took me a long time to decide to leave. I believed that that having our son away from AH would help our son. My decision to leave was based on a meeting I had at school with one of his teachers. It was Christmas time and the teacher asked the students to draw what they would like for Christmas. My son made a picture of a family and wrote the word DAD. I had stayed in the relationship for my son's sake and now my thinking was -if I go, and AH has to take care of son, my son will have a DAD. I left. I had my own place and he had his. We shared custody of our son which was based on AH's shift work. Two on, two off - three on, three off. Our son was really messed up. He did very poorly in school and managed to get himself suspended several times for bullying! One year went by and I found myself more messed up than before I left. My son would ask me to have his dad over for movies and so on. My son begged me to give his dad another chance because he needed me! I took him back with many conditions.
My son is in an anger management group at school, his grades have improved and he is so happy to have his mom and dad together.
What he doesn't know is that I am so hurt. None of the conditions have been upheld. AH treats me the same as before I left. AH is not in denial and admits he's an alcoholic but won't get help because things are not as bad ask I make them appear to be. As AH would say, I am a drama queen and our son is just fine. Why do I want to screw him up again...
Wednesday I called Al-Anon... I was ready to get help. I've never talked to anybody about it... this has been my secret for years. I drove myself to the meeting and sat in my car and cried for 35 minutes. I couldn't bring myself to get out of the car. I kept thinking, are things that bad? Should I be here? I felt I was betraying my AH...(does that make any sense?) Came home and found this site so I started to read and read and read. Today, I went to the Library and got a book "Paths to Recovery - Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions and Concepts".
Now, as I am posting, I feel afraid and paranoid. I don't want AH to find out I'm wanting to join a group nor do I want him to know that I'm posting. Why am I feeling like this? I guess I'm afraid of the outcome. I really need support right now and somebody to help me get on the right path. I love my AH but even more, my son.
Two years ago, I left my AH of 11 years. I took me a long time to decide to leave. I believed that that having our son away from AH would help our son. My decision to leave was based on a meeting I had at school with one of his teachers. It was Christmas time and the teacher asked the students to draw what they would like for Christmas. My son made a picture of a family and wrote the word DAD. I had stayed in the relationship for my son's sake and now my thinking was -if I go, and AH has to take care of son, my son will have a DAD. I left. I had my own place and he had his. We shared custody of our son which was based on AH's shift work. Two on, two off - three on, three off. Our son was really messed up. He did very poorly in school and managed to get himself suspended several times for bullying! One year went by and I found myself more messed up than before I left. My son would ask me to have his dad over for movies and so on. My son begged me to give his dad another chance because he needed me! I took him back with many conditions.
My son is in an anger management group at school, his grades have improved and he is so happy to have his mom and dad together.
What he doesn't know is that I am so hurt. None of the conditions have been upheld. AH treats me the same as before I left. AH is not in denial and admits he's an alcoholic but won't get help because things are not as bad ask I make them appear to be. As AH would say, I am a drama queen and our son is just fine. Why do I want to screw him up again...
Wednesday I called Al-Anon... I was ready to get help. I've never talked to anybody about it... this has been my secret for years. I drove myself to the meeting and sat in my car and cried for 35 minutes. I couldn't bring myself to get out of the car. I kept thinking, are things that bad? Should I be here? I felt I was betraying my AH...(does that make any sense?) Came home and found this site so I started to read and read and read. Today, I went to the Library and got a book "Paths to Recovery - Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions and Concepts".
Now, as I am posting, I feel afraid and paranoid. I don't want AH to find out I'm wanting to join a group nor do I want him to know that I'm posting. Why am I feeling like this? I guess I'm afraid of the outcome. I really need support right now and somebody to help me get on the right path. I love my AH but even more, my son.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... Im sooo sorry your hurting but be assured that we have all been right where you are.
First of all stop beating yourself up hon, what is done is done and you did what you thought was best. I have found that when working with an alcoholic its best if you have the education about the disease and a support group to help keep it all straight.
Your not crazy sweetie.... I use to wonder if it was as bad as I was making it out to be also, guess what... it does not matter if its as bad as THEY think.... what do you think, its your life.
I would suggest you get back in the car and go back to that meeting and just check it out.. cant hurt and it helped me alot.
Keep posting, I look forward to getting to know you and watching your recovery.
First of all stop beating yourself up hon, what is done is done and you did what you thought was best. I have found that when working with an alcoholic its best if you have the education about the disease and a support group to help keep it all straight.
Your not crazy sweetie.... I use to wonder if it was as bad as I was making it out to be also, guess what... it does not matter if its as bad as THEY think.... what do you think, its your life.
I would suggest you get back in the car and go back to that meeting and just check it out.. cant hurt and it helped me alot.
Keep posting, I look forward to getting to know you and watching your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Welcome. We all understand and we are always here. You aren't alone. We all landed here for exactly the same reasons. You can come here and vent or share your daily dilemas. There is a great deal of strength aned wisdom here. I know how exahausting it is when nothing you invest yourself into bares fruit. If your son would excell, it would be worth it. If your husband would straighten up, it would all be worth it. Maybe by coming here you'll be able to pick it all apart and make progress. Don't feel like sitting in the car crying was a waste of time. It was a start. I firmly believe God leads us to this place. You don't have to leave the house. Come here, talk, share and take some of the blur off of the situation. Glad you found us! We all need each other as some days are better and some not so good. We all just go day to day. I'll ask the same thing someone asked me when I first came. What have you done for yourself today?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome Mamagoose
I also sat and cried in the car the first time I went to Al-Anon. The 2nd time I went into the meeting and sat and cried there the whole time and bolted right as it ended. But something stuck with me and I went back. Still did a lot of crying, but no one cared or treated me like it was unusual. It was incredible.
I would encourage you to at least try it again. I was where you are and it has helped me enormously. I know when I felt like you do - anxious about meetings and posting - it was because I was finally truly accepting the fact I was married to an alcoholic. I was also afraid of my AH's reaction, which is why I didn't tell him for quite a while. But I was hurting enough that I just HAD to do something for me. I hope you will do the same.
Good luck and keep posting!
I also sat and cried in the car the first time I went to Al-Anon. The 2nd time I went into the meeting and sat and cried there the whole time and bolted right as it ended. But something stuck with me and I went back. Still did a lot of crying, but no one cared or treated me like it was unusual. It was incredible.
I would encourage you to at least try it again. I was where you are and it has helped me enormously. I know when I felt like you do - anxious about meetings and posting - it was because I was finally truly accepting the fact I was married to an alcoholic. I was also afraid of my AH's reaction, which is why I didn't tell him for quite a while. But I was hurting enough that I just HAD to do something for me. I hope you will do the same.
Good luck and keep posting!
Followtheyellowbrickroad
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Staples, MN
Posts: 104
Hi, I just wanted to say welcome and I know how you feel. My AH always told me and still does that things couldn't have been that bad. He made me feel like I was out of line and that is stifling and destructive. If I had an Al-Anon group around her I would definitely go no question. These folks can help you, you can go and just sit and listen, even that can be a help to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 5
Thank you!
Cynay-Tks for your reply...I really needed to know that I wasn't alone out there in cyber space. I live in a city with 40,000 population. They only meet once a week on Wednesday night. I will try again next Wednesday but for now, I'll stick to this site. You are all I have.
mallowcup- What did I do for myself today you asked, I found someone to talk with. Thank You!
denny57- The three of you, (Cynay, mallowcup and yourself) have lifted this incredible weight that's been pressing on my heart. My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it. I still have the lump in my throat. I feel like a fool sitting here, crying looking at the screen before me...but knowing that I'm not alone and don't have to be alone brought on a very warm feeling. Something I haven't felt in a long, long time.
Cynay-Tks for your reply...I really needed to know that I wasn't alone out there in cyber space. I live in a city with 40,000 population. They only meet once a week on Wednesday night. I will try again next Wednesday but for now, I'll stick to this site. You are all I have.
mallowcup- What did I do for myself today you asked, I found someone to talk with. Thank You!
denny57- The three of you, (Cynay, mallowcup and yourself) have lifted this incredible weight that's been pressing on my heart. My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it. I still have the lump in my throat. I feel like a fool sitting here, crying looking at the screen before me...but knowing that I'm not alone and don't have to be alone brought on a very warm feeling. Something I haven't felt in a long, long time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Youwill be amazed at how good it feels to have a place right inside your house to come and find friends. One common thing is that we don't have our friends over, we can't. Get a cup of coffee and spend some time with us.
Honk if you're a codie!
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: State of Codependency
Posts: 121
Hi Mamagoose5!!!!!!
Welcome to SR!
I usually post on the Nar-Anon forum but I have many alcoholics in my life too. 12 step meetings have helped me so much. I've learned that I deserve a life and to spend my energy on me.
Keep reading the literature and also you might want to go to the library and check out Melody Beattie's books "Codependent No More" and "Beyond Codependency".
You are not alone. Go to the meeting and you will also find new friends who understand you.
Take good care of yourself.
Welcome to SR!
I usually post on the Nar-Anon forum but I have many alcoholics in my life too. 12 step meetings have helped me so much. I've learned that I deserve a life and to spend my energy on me.
Keep reading the literature and also you might want to go to the library and check out Melody Beattie's books "Codependent No More" and "Beyond Codependency".
You are not alone. Go to the meeting and you will also find new friends who understand you.
Take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: So Cal
Posts: 41
Hi Mamagoose!
I am so glad you found this place, I have lurked here for quite a while and it really is a wonderful place full of wisdom and support.
I remember that feeling of anxiety, too- feeling like I was almost cheating on AH by wanting a different life for myself. I was afraid of what would happen if he found out- it was almost like he could sense that I was ready to find some support and change my life. Reading here validated my feelings, feelings that the life I was living with him was not normal and I was not crazy. I am sure if he would have found out I was trying to seek some normalcy all hell would have broken loose, so I was careful to check in here only when I knew he wasn't near by. How sad to have to hide our desire to become better people from the man we love.
I haven't been to a meeting yet but am planning to this next week- I left AH in September but I know that I still have a lot of work to do so that I won't repeat my same patterns.
Hugs & Love to you, keep posting when you can.
Susie
I am so glad you found this place, I have lurked here for quite a while and it really is a wonderful place full of wisdom and support.
I remember that feeling of anxiety, too- feeling like I was almost cheating on AH by wanting a different life for myself. I was afraid of what would happen if he found out- it was almost like he could sense that I was ready to find some support and change my life. Reading here validated my feelings, feelings that the life I was living with him was not normal and I was not crazy. I am sure if he would have found out I was trying to seek some normalcy all hell would have broken loose, so I was careful to check in here only when I knew he wasn't near by. How sad to have to hide our desire to become better people from the man we love.
I haven't been to a meeting yet but am planning to this next week- I left AH in September but I know that I still have a lot of work to do so that I won't repeat my same patterns.
Hugs & Love to you, keep posting when you can.
Susie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 5
Thanks MamaGoose! Interesting name(lol) I have 5 children... four daughters from a previous marriage. Who would have ever guessed that I went from an 8 year marriage with a workaholic to an 11 year relationship with an alcoholic...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 5
Thanks Rhino Gal - Good Luck to you to on your new journey. When You do make it to your first meeting, let me know how you felt. I appears from the posts that most have decided to leave AH's? Am I kidding myself by having false hope?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: So Cal
Posts: 41
Hee hee! I didn't realize there was a MamaGoose AND a Mamagoose5! In that case I meant to say welcome Mamagoose5. 
I'll let you know how my meeting goes. I am soooo much happier now that I am away from AH's craziness.
Susie
I'll let you know how my meeting goes. I am soooo much happier now that I am away from AH's craziness.
Susie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by mamagoose5
Am I kidding myself by having false hope?
The good news is you don't have to decide right now. You can take some steps to educate yourself, and get to know yourself. For me, that was a big one. I had spent all my adult life so wrapped up in others that I did not know who I was. And when I started to see who I had become, I didn't like it very much.
I second the recommendation for Melody Beattie's books. They have helped me tremendously. Also, I understand your wanting what's best for your son. I have two children and the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt them.
You have taken a positive step by coming here and joining the discussion. Keep taking those positive steps and soon you will start to feel better.
L
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
Wow! Welcome!you will like it here, I made my AH leave because of the danger his drinking was doing to the family. My children seem to be adjusting, it is so hard. My first Alanon meeting I went inside and cried the whole 1 1/2 hrs. I got alot I MEAN ALOT of support there, go back Cry there its okay. You may find it comforting. Good luck and prayers out to you and yours.
I've been afraid, teriffied, sad, hurt and mad. Hang in there!We are here for you.
Kermit
I've been afraid, teriffied, sad, hurt and mad. Hang in there!We are here for you.
Kermit
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