simply sober

Hello, I am a recovering alcoholic/addict that is engaged to a recently relapsed alcoholic/addict that had 14-months of sobriety before he relapsed. It was suggested by my AA sponsor to check out this side of things because I am not going to leave him. So, my name is Samantha B. & I am now a newbie Alanon!! I am scared of all this because it is the unknown. I know that I need this though because I was in a 3 year relationship before this one that was a constant battle ground of his (my ex's relapses)...the man that I am with now is really passionate about recovery & sobriety so I am having a hard time dealing with all of this since, he did not just relapse once but twice in one week. I was ok with the first time & let him come home but the second time, I felt rejected, angry, hurt, and in danger so I told him to go get help because my sobriety came first!! He went & got help...he has been sober since 04/23/06 & he is in a half-way house now but he wants to come home now. Part of me wants him to come home & the other part of me wants him to stay there awhile longer. I feel like I have been rejected & like his drugs come before me. I don't like feeling this way at all. He says I am always angry, yelling at him, and attacking him...I say (and my friend(s) say) he is manipulating & controlling me!! I feel like I am being torn in two!! Please help me!! I have gone to two Alanon meetings here in my hometown & really enjoyed them!! They have helped me alot. I plan to continue to go to them. But I haven't worked up the courage to speak in them as of yet. Though I have cried in them at some of the things that have been said because they have hit so close to home!! I feel like I am going insane...I am a recovering alcoholic/addict myself...I shouldn't feel this way, should I?! Please help me understand what is going on within me!! Thanks!!

Minx1969

Hello S.S. and welcome to friends and family..I'm sure others will be along shortly to welcome you.

First of all congrats on your sobriety! Remember that above all - your recovery and sobriety needs to continue to come first..no matter what is happening with your bf..

As for your feelings..they are just that feelings..no one here is going to tell you how to feel...

You have choices on what you can do with your bf..why don't you pray about it..but if he's in a safe place (and a half way house is a great place for him) why not see if his actions match his words about his sobriety...

you have all the time in the world..

sit tight..he may be unhappy but you aren't responsible for how he is feeling..

.he may very well be manipulating and controlling you..if your gut is telling you then I'd trust that..

Keep going to the Alanon meetings and get a sponsor and keep coming back here. I would pick up ODAT (One day at a time in Alanon) and read July 1.

Also - I know many double winners (AA/Alanon)..I also know many Alcoholics who are codependent too and qualify for Alanon..think it is great you are willing to work both programs.

Minx

Cynay

Welcome .... we are glad you are joining us.

Im sorry your feeling like you are but be asured it is completely normal.... when I feel like that I usually choose to take no action at all. Minx is right, actions speak louder then words.... he knows the drill since he has been down the path before. I would give it time to see if the actions speak louder then words.... also something I have noticed is that when the other party "pressures" you to make decisions.... something is up and it usually does not smell good.

You just take the focus off him for now and put it right back where it belongs, ON YOU. You have your sobriety to think about and now that you are on the other side there is still alot of growth for you. Im glad you choose Al-anon. But most of all you have to keep your senerity.

I look forward to getting to know you!

FormerDoormat

Your friends are right. He is trying to manipulate and control you. That's what active addicts do. You say he's been sober since the 23rd of this month, well that's only four days--not enough time for him to prove to you that he's serious about recovery. He's in a safe place now--a place where no one is available to rescue him. It's a good place for an active addict to learn how to stand on their own two feet and it's a good time for you to sit back and watch his actions. The only way to be sure he's serious about recovery is to watch his actions.

When his actions match his words, that's when it's time to decide if you want him to move back in with you.

Welcome to the forum. Looking forward to getting to know you.

Grasshopper

Hi and welcome SS,congrats on youre sober time.Way to go!Feelings are honest vaild,and true,in the moment..Feelings come from ones thoughts first and formost.Although feelings are not facts,they are true.Changing attitudes,thoughts,then the,feelings will change too.In Al-anon,one learns that changed attitudes,can aid recovery.Alcoholism,is often called the "family" disease.All members play their own part.The alcoholics acts out,others react.If you read jon,s post about addicts and what they do,you will soon learn that his actions are not intended to hurt you nor do they have anything at all to do with you.Although it may be directed at you,its all "his" own stuff.Alcoholics are self-centred.Not thinking about others until they find recovery.There is a big difference between being an alcoholic,myself and living with one.Both my hub and i are alcoholic,s sober by God,s grace.We both are in AA and i go to Al-anon too.No matter what another does,its about my own recovery.Al-anon brings to focus my own part in it all.And this is what i need to focus on and work on.My recovery isnt reliant,on what hub does or does not do.IStep one,for both recovery programs..f it did,then id still be into that dance,of the ism,s of alcoholism.,and blaming another for how im thinking/feeling..Its stops when i stoped.No longer palying my own part into it.I cant say enough good things about al-anon.Its a great,program.
Prayers for you both,
God Bless,

megamysterioso

((Samantha))-- Welcome to SR and you have found the right place. Congratulations on sticking with your own recovery and sobriety. It does not sound strange to me at all that even though you're a recovering addict that you are now in a co-dependent situation. Anyone can be co-dependent and the feelings you are having are completely natural.

I too feel that you should let your fiance stay in the halfway house for longer. Since he has been down the road to recovery before, he understands what is necessity to get it together. As everyone else said--- it is ALL about the actions. Words mean absolutely nothing. It's very easy to make promises, but so hard to keep them when breaking them has little or no consequence.

IMO- since you have already experienced a relationship with a relapsed addict, you should not rush into saying your vows with your current fiance. It is such a tough battle to marry into. You two have plenty of time. I would want to feel secure enough that he can and will remain sober if it were me BEFORE marrying him. You don't need to repeat old patterns that made you miserable in the past. I like this that I heard from Dr. Laura a while back- "Never marry 'potential'. Potential is YOUR fantasy and YOUR desire. It is NOT REAL." Please keep that in mind.

simply sober

thanks ya'll ya'll's insight has helped a little i do have a little peace right now but to be honest i am ready for him to come home right now we had a good evening good nite

Zoey

Some of us A's continue to carry anxieties, fears and extra sensitivities, hopefully not many, but for recoverying A's they warn that relationships are very difficult, one of the worst situations for relaps.
You have about a year and 1/2 and he has had that much, but that is not very long compared to the years drinking.

How about bringing it up at an open disscussion night at your meeting???

Hopefully you attend different meetings.

In my opinion, a halfway house is a great place for him to be to get a good handle on sobriety. If he has fears or hurt feelings, he has people to talk to.

It is my opinion only, but I very much believe males find it hard to tell the female partner anything sounding like a weakness, they can share at mixed meetings, but not with the wife or girlfriend untill they have a very solid program. (Well we females sometimes don't tell him what bothers us, sorta just humannature)

Keep coming back, and remember to take what you can use and leave the rest.

Had he lived with someone during his sobriety time? If not, that might tell you both something to look at, that space might be the best??
I want the best for you both.

simply sober

He's been married twice before once when he was like 17 or so, that ended rather not so good, addiction ya know!! Then he was married for like a long time with 8 years of dry time where she was actively using the marijuana maintence program a major amounts daily and he was growing it for her. He said he asked her to quit and she said that she was never going to quit. He said he showed up in meetings once a year to get his yearly chip and that's all!! Then one day, she took him to work and then picked him up from work just to tell him that she was not coming in and she was moving out to their house in the country until all the mold was gone because her heart doctor said that it was bad for her so he got rid of it for her and she never moved back in with him. He went back out shortly afterwards, and that is when his addiction to crack began for the first time ever. We had our wedding date set for today but we were unable to get married because that woman had never got their divorced finalized like she said that she did and he didn't find that out until a few weeks ago so we set a new wedding date which has now been postponed because of his relapses. Her not stopping her marijuana consumption was a major blow to his self-esteem he told me. God I hope he never finds this site and reads this, he would hate me for sharing his private stuff like this. I told him that we need counseling to learn how to communicate with each other and he said okay not a problem. We do go to a few separate meetings, not many, I go to an all-women's meeting on tuesdays. I told him that he could come home next sunday. Goodnite.

Kellye C

SS, welcome. I am a recovering alcoholic as well as a codie. I've been in a similar situation and I applaud you for doing what you had to do to protect your sobriety. You have no control over his as you know, but you have total control over your own.

I can understand loving him and missing him and wanting him to come home but as has been pointed out he is 4 days (well, now 5 days) sober from this relapse. He is in a safe environment right now and while he may not like it, it is best for him and you to not threaten your sobriety. What is the rush? Why not give yourself some time to process this and refocus on you while giving him some time to work this program on this latest relapse.

Of course you are going to do whatever you feel is best but personally I'd leave him there as long as possible for his sake and yours. If this relationship is meant to be then a few extra days or months is not going to change that and if it's not then things are going to play out however they are meant to. Why not give it the best opportunity for success possible even if it means some uncomfortable feelings for you both?

I had to walk away from my situation and I haven't looked back. I recognized that the times that were the worst between us, my sobriety came into serious jeopardy. For me, nothing is worth going back to the hell I was in before getting sober. If I have to do without people in my life so be it. But that is just me and my choice. You have your own choices to make.

I hope you enjoy Al-Anon. I plan to start going soon in addition to AA as I need to learn to deal with A's without taking on their stuff and making it my own.

I'm glad you're here and hope you continue to share with us!
Kellye

simply sober

thanks for your input