Would like to tell ex thanks, would that be evil?
 

I am in heaven with my girlfriend, my work has been overflowed with business, and I am getting stronger then I've ever been from my workouts. All this happiness and strength I felt I could never have got had I still been living in misery and allowing myself to be with someone who never got me a gift on vday, xmas, my birthday, nothing. My self esteem mustve been (still probably struggling at times) so low to allow that.

About one year later since no contact with her, a year later from my harshest fall of life, Destiny sent Spirits my way and I can tell you everyday is living a dream come true.

I sometimes get so happy I have thoughts of thanking her for making me learn the things I needed to see, thank her for leaving, I was never strong enough to leave her, and when she left, it SAVED MY LIFE and blessings came pouring in, Spirits lifted me and cried for me.

But deep down , I know its probably wrong to do so... though I keep having thoughts of it, I feel so thankful, and sometimes I wonder if its the right thing to do.

To never take **** again, and to tell those that give you **** to **** themselves. I dont take **** anymore, I've changed, but sometimes I wonder if I should tell those that gave me **** in the past, to **** themselves as a last goodbye message.

I think its wrong, but sometimes I think its justified and maybe it'll bring more peace to my heart? I really dont know, my wills never been this strong before and I'm determined to make it in this life living life to the fullest....

Loves to all

Vengence is mine saith the Lord.

If there is a need for revenge...leave it in God's hands.
You will be much better off not bringing more chaos into your own space.

Hey Codemaster!

I think everyone takes a trip or two down memory lane at some point in time. Some of us think we still have unfinsihed business with our exes, but perhaps the unfinished business is really within ourselves.

I understand your feelings. But I think maybe the best way to handle them is to write them down in a letter to her. Say everything you want to say, get it all out! Then when you're all down, maybe give it one last read over, then burn it, shread it, throw eggs at it, but whatever you do, DO NOT SEND IT! Don't invite trouble and heartache to reappear in your life.

Instead, live well. Don't they say that's the best revenge of all???

Glad to see things are still going well for you!

Why not thank God for your enlightenment and happiness? If you are feeling truly blessed, instead of a thank you phone call of letter, why not say a prayer for her? No good will come of a "thank you". Not for anyone. I will be facing my ex for the first time in 15 years at my sons wedding. There was a day when he'd have stepped over my dead body for a beer and a line if coke. He still uses and I have no doubt I'd be dead had I stayed one more day with him. I will not thank him because he was no help to me at all. I did the work not him. I made the tough choices, not him. I walked it out, not him. Your life should be one of gratitude and a new appreciation for the simple things, I'd continure forward and leave the past where it is. I believe you can change your good karma with hurtful behavior. I know how great it is to find out you are sane. I'd just go forward and live a wiser life.

I never found much peace from the effort it took to justify things I'd done wrong. I found peace by seeing they were wrong and respecting my own beliefs in the future.

I like the letter idea, I have done it B/4, yet rather than throw them away immediately after written. I kept them, put them in my safety deposit box, a place I go to very seldom. After a period of time, I'd get the letter out, reread it, and toss it. Many times I thought, what were you thinking girl! Time had passed, I was living my life again, I was happy, I was whole.

Embrace your new life, let go of the past. The past should serve as a guidepost, not a
hitching post.

I am so very happy for you!

Dolly

Yea I get kinda crispy around the edges myself sometimes. I also have gotten a little bit too big for my britches. Hopefullly I will remain my correct size remember where I was and know that the humble don't have as far to fall.

You say,that you think its wrong.Go with your gut instincts.Trust your gut feelings.
Thing for me is that i too have learned from others,some hard lessons.That made me stronger.
And get this,they have also learned from me to.Some hard lessons,that helped them to grow and become stronger....smile...

I agree with Best! Leave it in God's hands!

This is what I think.....I guess it is along the lines of "leaving it in God's hands" but my mind doesn't think that way.

Codemaster, someday you will have what you are seeking. But the best part will be it'll happen when you're ready. You think you're ready now but you're not because IF you were, it would have happened on it's own. One day, you'll bump into her or something of the sort....albeit a phone call (by her) , a run in, you name it, it'll happen and how you handle that moment will be exactly how you should. I believe you won't need to "thank her." SHe'll see just how you've changed by looking at your eyes and your smile. She'll know what she missed out on and inside, she'll be left with HER guilt.

From pain came goodness, love and happiness. Write it and burn it.

Code...God's hands is the safest place to leave this...

Aside from that what good could telling her possible cause.
Your ex doesn't care and neither should you.
Living well is the best revenge.....

Hi Code, You mentioned evil, so ya know don't ya, it would be pride and revenge on your part??

I agree, write it, rewrite and save and reread, rewrite again, etc till this leaves your system. INever ever mail it.
LV YA and HUGS Keep us posted.

ooooh... I like what Dolly said about putting the letter in a safe deposit box. I think I might be using that one myself.

As far as telling HER.... like the others, I'd say check your motives. Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? I would especially think about the last two... would it be kind to show her how far YOU have come (not knowing your story, I would suppose that she has not come as far)? Would it be necessary for growth or wellbeing for either of you?

I think by "thanking" her, you might be ... just a little... doing a bit of the "neener neener, I made it in SPITE of you" thing. At least, that is how *I* would feel if an old boyfriend/husband showed up to show off his accomplishments.

When it comes to my opinions, I hope you know the drill.... Take what you like...

Write it down if you have to burn it after but I don't think you should thank her for anything.

Don't forget CodeMaster you chose to stay with someone who treated you that way. Why don't you thank yourself and your HP for learning the things you have learned? Be thankful you aren't in that place anymore, that you chose to get out of it. :sprinkler

Ngaire

P.S. Nice bod Code!!! I'm such a dirty old lady.

*laughs* Gelfling you are such a KICK.... got to love ya.

Code... so good to hear from you and SO glad things are going well.... I remember when we started this journey together, truely amazing how much growth there is....

WAY too much growth to do something so petty, you know that. Compassion for her hon... pray for her and wish for her all that you enjoy. Recovery does not make us better then anyone, it should make us humble and compassionate. If she is in the same place or close to where she was you are only rubbing her nose in it.

Your bigger then that.

ok..here i sit...with the foot just a jumpin...tap tap tappin...how do i want to respond to this??
reason being,cause i have thought at times,that MY obsessive compulsive disorder (never officially recognized,but im sure i have a degree of it,as do my sons ) has seemed to flare up alot in the past year and a half since my ex. and when it flares,i STILL want to say/do these types of things. i wonder when it will stop,and if its only gonna stop when i truly get happy in all areas of my life. but code,just answered that.
ive been able to control these damn urges well in recent months,and in the past few days made a conscious decision to realize that the hurts i felt from this man will never ever go away. unless I make them go away. and the only way to do that is NOT to dwell on them,in ANY way. besides the fact,i realized that he didnt care then,he sure as hell isnt gonna care now...good,bad,or indifferent. so why bother??
besides,i kinda always eventually ended up with the theory that "silence is golden".it really makes people wonder what the hell you are up to.

I cant ever forget the start of our journey together, that was really quite something... I remember everyone who was there when we both came in quite lost, but you held yourself together really well while I wasnt nearly as strong.

Thanks for helping me decide, sometimes I kind of know what is right, but somehow I confuse myself and justify wrong. I am glad to know I always have this place to ask any deep question I have no matter how personal it maybe. At least I can always get help on trying to go the right way as much as possible.

I may try the letter thing... I have a letter from her, after a few days she started rehab, of her telling me how much I'm her world and how grateful she was I went through hell and back with her. Sometimes I dont even know why but I keep that letter around, sometimes I think it helps me remember that maybe I was a good person, a sane person, and my views of me actually trying to help her all these years were me really helping her, instead of my confusing of self blame for everything wrong that happened. I know I am not perfect, I did a lot of wrong, but one thing I remind myself is I tried to help with great perseverance, all the way until she letted go. That was a life changer.

Thanks all, I know everyone has so many struggles always, but everyone of you posts, you always sound like your living quite a beautiful and strong life. I hope that is the case, and loves always.

Yep, Code, that would be evil. I agree with Gefling's earlier comment. What a hottie! But next time, could we see a little leg? Biceps, triceps, and pecks are sexy, but legs complete the package.

OMG Way too funny... I do have to agree if this is the result of all you have been through Code... I almost wish you would do it again.... OK JUST KIDDING... well almost

Im a chest and arm gal myself so that pic does it for me.

Ahhh Code we all still have our struggles, heck Im going through a "challenge" period as we speak.... but one thing I do know is Im in such a better place then we were a year ago and I will not sink to that level again.

All I have to do is look back and seen how unhappy I was as long as I gave him the power to hurt me... and that included not letting it go. I do wish my ex the best, but more then that I will have and deserve the best I can give me.... and that does not include giving him space in my heart or my head.

hahaaa...

I can't tell you how many emails I have sitten and taken an hour to write explaining to my AH all the hurt and pain he caused me and my son and the horrible things that I would love to happen to him, but everytime I get to the end of the email, I read and re-read it and then I delete it, because if I send it, then I know that I will eventually have to make amends for it. I leave the revenge part to God and I have found that when I pray for happiness and health for my ex-AH, God continues to poor that health and happiness more and more into my life. I have faith now that my AH will get his. I don't have to do anything to him, because he actually creates his own HELL everyday. I just sit back and enjoy my new wonderful life. I try to think of it this way... Had my AH not brought all of his crap and misery into my life, I would never have been in enough pain to change mine and make my life better, so I almost have to thank him for that.

I've been thinking of this post and decided to respond.

I believe that it's normal to want to rub it in someone's face when we are doing well when someone has hurt us and caused us so much grief. But to do so in an attempt to rub it in their face is spiteful. In being spiteful, I believe that it only lowers us to that person's level - and I'd like to think that after all we've been through, all we've learned, and how much we've recovered our own lives, that by doing what we are tempted to do (hurting them), it only would be detrimental to ourselves and not at all the example of the person we wish to be.

I do believe that the saying "The best revenge is living well" is the absolute best route to take. For me - that is what I am doing. And as sick as it may sound - I get the best revenge from doing so. While it may sound childish, let me explain.
I got my hair cut a few months back. AH preferred it the way it was. Interesting thing to my hair is that it's cut so that if I want too, I can style it the exact way that AH likes it. Since I like the new cut/style, I wear it how I want too. But I admit that one time when I thought I may run into him, I intentionally styled it just the way that he'd always liked it. It was my way of reminding him just what he was missing in a weird odd way. He did comment on it and I simply blew it off like it was no big deal. Point being - I did as I wanted too - and I got the reaction that I wanted - it bothered him. And yet, it was something that didn't really hurt anyone - if you can understand what I mean.
Another thing....the house. As you may know, there are some exterior projects that have to be done to my house. AH knew these were issues years ago and did nothing about them. I get alot of satisfaction knowing that I am going to take care of these issues. Not only that, but I am actually enjoying the fact that when it's all done, the house will look a little bit different. On the other side of it, I get satisfaction in knowing that AH will more than likely be bothered that I got it all done, that it does look different and unlike it did when he lived here, and that it's another thing he wasn't a part of. I get the good feeling of seeing what I've accomplished - and the satisfaction of showing him that I can live without him. Again, my living well being the best revenge. Notice that it's not just spitefulness directed at him - it's something that benefits me in a non-hurtful way to others. It needs done anyways - so I'm doing it my way.
(Edited to add another example) - I have these stress bubbles on my face. I have two that are improving. I have started something new and it tends to be working. The marks on my face bother me - but you know what - I know that the next time he sees me and he sees that they are either improving or gone altogether - it will be another satisfactory moment for me. Not only for me - but it's proof that I'm doing better without him.

While the above are just examples, I hope that you see what I am talking about. There are so many different ways of "getting even", so to speak. I choose to go the route that truly benefits me without bringing me to a lower level.

well,ive kind of thought all along that my ex seems so happy,there isnt anything i could do,be,say, that would impress him or make him think he lost out. which,at times has actually helped me in alot of ways...one being that all i am now,all i do now,is for ME.and i do know-for a fact-that i look,and feel a hell of alot better now than when i was with him. the relationship was making me stressed,lazy,and i do believe literally sick.
last night i was reading in some old journals of mine,and my mind was just blown by some of what i read. way,way,WAY back in the beginning when i seemed to think,and for a long time-still sometimes did-i was SOOOOO happy with him then,well-in reality i wasnt.you can read it right there in black and white.
it once again reminded me of MY fault in the way I look at things at times. this was one relationship that should have never continued past a couple months of my precious time.hopefully,i have learned from that.

Always interesting to hear what people on this forum has to say, I always tell my girlfriend the words that come from this forum is just priceless deep, and not cheesy kind of deep, but deep wisdom from tremendous experiences.

I hope you all continue moving forward in life, and finding just how beautiful life really is.

This coming Saturday, I will see my ex for the first time in years. I won't deny I want to look happy and healthy, successful and composed, classy and uneffected by him. It will like facing your rapist with confidence. It will be my sons wedding and I will be atypically emotional. Will I measure myself against where he still is? To some degree I will. Like running into old classmates. Maybe I'll be suprised at myself. I'd have preferred never seeing him again. He isn't a nice or funny drunk. He's someone who will put on a suit as a prop. He'll get a haircut and shine his shoes. What I dread is pretending he isn't a man who hit me, who told me how worthless I am, a man who cheated and left us. He told me on the phone I was holding his leaving over his head and it all happened 20 years ago. What he still doesn't get is that his decison was one we had to live with for those 20 years. It was over for him then. It is when I became the bread winner, the one to live in fear every single day that I couldn't provide, It wasn't intelligence that got me through college at 28. It was fear. I couldn't fail, I couldn't take a day off. His unwillingness to not drink and not support his family left me to do it. He left when my oldest was 5 and my youngest was 6 months. He took the car. By the grace of God I lived on $355 every two weeks and food stamps and got a loan for college. Looking back I completed a four year program in three years and passed and it simply was not possible. My sons are fine, clean cut, hard working. My ex says, "We must have done something right". It made my blood boil. He wasn't even there.

geez,mc--you have sooooo much to be proud of!!! i didnt do too bad myself over the years,but that is very impressive!! much more than i did!! YOU know YOU did ALOT of things right,and im sure your sons do. thats all that counts.

i dread my kids weddings,just for the fact that im gonna have to be in the company of their father,(my non alcoholic divorce of almost 18 years ago) his other family,and my ex in laws who all divorced me the day i left him.

i think we all hijacked codes thread...but thats what happens here-we all make each other think!!

I was actually thinking about CodeMaster when I posted. It's never really over. The day comes when you'll hear something about an ex or actually run into them. As much as we'd like to grind their face in it, thank them or simply avoid them, as our lives go on, we'll run into them in one of five conditions. The same as they were. Cleaned up and happy. Pretending to be cleaned up and not very convicningly. Prentending to be cleaned up and very convincing......or we'll hear they are dead. My ex is actively drinking still and doing cocaine ad pretending he isn't. Jeans and a beer get replaced with a suit and a scotch. For a very long time after we were apart, if someone moved quickly I'd flinch as if expecting to get hit. I hated that. I will put on my happy mother of the groom face and make my son proud but I have very high anxiety about seeing him. I have related this to anxious anticipation about the wedding.