sunshine003

I've had the worst way of thinking today. I know to not act when I'm feeling this way so perhaps it isn't a step back.....just proof that lots of work is left to be done. Maybe it's just something that happens to all of us.

Because I was/am feeling sad today, I found myself wanting....even hoping that ah would try to be all charming today. I want to give into it and just go back. My "doing this alone" is wearing thin.

I don't have much support here where I live and I guess I'm just lonely. I thought I should actually admit that I'm feeling that way....not deny it on the outside when it's certainly true on the inside. I feared if I kept quiet, I'd act on it. So here I am admitting to all that today I felt as if I'd rather be miserable with him than miserabe without him.

long at this

What you are going through is the stages of grief, which is normal (what ever that is?) You have experienced a big loss, good or bad it has been a loss.
Here are the stages as I know them
1. Denial (don't think I have to explain that one)
2. Bargaining (The "if" only syndrome)
3. Anger (oh boy don't we know that one)
4. Sadness, depression (the realization of what is really happening)
5 Acceptance (a tough one)
All of these are not experienced in this exact order and I have flip flopped back and forth amongst them, but one thing I do know is you
must experience all of them at some point to move on. I know it is heartbreaking, but it is healthy and natural to feel this way.

Cynay

Just leave it alone and feel the feelings hon.... you have to walk through it to get to the other side....

But there is another side worth going through all this for ... trust me on that one.

Ontario_Rider

Man, I could have wrote that post, my Dad's dead, uncle's Dad, Grandpa's dead and Grandma's had a stroke and doesn't know where she is. For the last few years it's just been our tiny family of three- AH, me and child. The comfort for me is, at 10pm or whatever time, I feel secure, I don't have to start calling friends/bars wondering where he is. There is no yelling, no anger, no 'you make me drink', no guilt no nothing, it's peace. I firmly believe that someone, somewhere, will treat you right. We shouldn't have to settle for the crumbs of affection they fling at us inbetween episodes, we deserve better:0

robina

With my gambling addict ex-boyfriend, I finally got to the point where I realized I felt more lonely when I was with him than when I was alone!

Then I knew it was time to go.

An addict is not able to even be there for themselves, let alone another human being. The only thing that truly matters to them is feeding the addiction.

There is a little prayer in the AA Big Book that I say every morning:
"God, please direct my thinking today" (I find it really helps)

Brammy

(((sunshine))) Been there done that and that's what brought me back to this board I didn't remember how miserable it was with him until I went back. Just like feeding the alcohol addiction, I realized that the withdrawals from the relationship were just as hard the second time around. The one exception was knowing where to turn this time. Be strong.

Today my son was talking about my XABF. He misses him as he loved him as I do but I also know that my XABF's addiction would have evetually hurt him as my son was beginningto notice the difference between his sober buddy and the other one. I am truly trying to let go and let God.

megamysterioso

Hey Sunshine and of course I'm very late to this, but I really loved Ontario's perspective:

That is it in a nutshell. I think it is totally natural to feel the feelings from every end of the spectrum-- anger, sadness, a feeling of "defeat," longing, hopefulness... It's taken you a long time to come to where you are today. It will take a long time to get over it. I think that ultimately however, you will be happier that you've moved on rather than staying for those crumbs.

elizabeth1979

I went through this last summer. I was miserable.
Heres what I did..

I allowed myself to feel the emotions
I kicked up the couseling sessions
I only read inspirational reading
I pampered myself

Time will tell as well as health and recovery if this is a fleeting emotion or truly your bottom line emotion.

The only other thing I would add here, is that you are operation under the assumption that you would be miserable without him. Perhaps.
Perhaps you would stop being miserable.
Perhaps you would begin to enjoy your life again.

Theres no way to say with any amount of certainty that you would be miserable forever without him.

I thought I would be too...but Im not so miserable anymore!