To date or not to date.......
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
To date or not to date.......
My counselor asked me today if I was dating. She thinks it would be a good idea. I pointed out to her the fact that I am not divorced. It has been 8 months since I separated from my husband. She thinks that I may not be ready to let the marriage go. And she may be right. But still is of the opinion that I should explore what else is out there.
I have very mixed feelings about this. I do think that if my husband were to win me back, it would have to be on a level playing field of any other offers. Not that there are any other offers at this point, because I have not made myself available to other offers.
If I were to follow her suggestion, where would I find potential dates? I have been out of the dating scene for well over 20 years. I have to admit that I have had thoughts about seeing other men, but these are only thoughts. How would I find someone who is interested in a 43 year old woman with two children? It boggles my mind. I live in a very small community, and the choices seem quite limited. I guess I have recently told myself that getting a healthy attitude and moving ahead with my life would eventually attract someone I wanted to see. Actually seeking out potential dates scares the crap out of me.
Anyone out there with experience care to share???
L
I have very mixed feelings about this. I do think that if my husband were to win me back, it would have to be on a level playing field of any other offers. Not that there are any other offers at this point, because I have not made myself available to other offers.
If I were to follow her suggestion, where would I find potential dates? I have been out of the dating scene for well over 20 years. I have to admit that I have had thoughts about seeing other men, but these are only thoughts. How would I find someone who is interested in a 43 year old woman with two children? It boggles my mind. I live in a very small community, and the choices seem quite limited. I guess I have recently told myself that getting a healthy attitude and moving ahead with my life would eventually attract someone I wanted to see. Actually seeking out potential dates scares the crap out of me.
Anyone out there with experience care to share???
L
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Are you sure 8 months is long enough?
My sponsor in Alanon asked me to take a year off dating after my exabf to work the program and work on myself..kind of glad I did..
I'm 37..and for 20 years I've been dating unavailable men..emotionally unavailable, controlling etc..
It was what I was used to - pretty much modelled after dear old mum and dad..
Also - I wasn't healthy yet so I didn't attract or wasn't interested in healthy men..
Do you have a list of attributes you are looking for? As my sponsor told me - you need to be that person before you can meet that person.
I think there is some truth to that..The healthier you get the healthier man you will attract..
I did a lot of self-help/therapy/life coaching before I came into Alanon and it was the last relationship in a long line of alcoholics that brought me to my knees..
About a year after not dating I met this guy at work..Not my type..well turns out..he was what I truly was looking for..committed, loving, kind, generous, funny..
in short..A NICE GUY..(not my type..) well today he's my type..we've been together for 10 months and we have a great relationship.
We are going to start pre-marital counseling soon because we both want to identify any areas that could be a problem should we get married..
I guess I'm of the "work on yourself and eventually the right guy will show up when you are ready..
If you aren't ready..don't force it..surprised your counselor recommended it since you are not even divorced..hmmm..that doesn't sound right to me but what do I know..
I truly believe you have to be happy alone and in your own skin before going into another relationship..it worked for me..I was ok with where I was..
My sponsor in Alanon asked me to take a year off dating after my exabf to work the program and work on myself..kind of glad I did..
I'm 37..and for 20 years I've been dating unavailable men..emotionally unavailable, controlling etc..
It was what I was used to - pretty much modelled after dear old mum and dad..
Also - I wasn't healthy yet so I didn't attract or wasn't interested in healthy men..
Do you have a list of attributes you are looking for? As my sponsor told me - you need to be that person before you can meet that person.
I think there is some truth to that..The healthier you get the healthier man you will attract..
I did a lot of self-help/therapy/life coaching before I came into Alanon and it was the last relationship in a long line of alcoholics that brought me to my knees..
About a year after not dating I met this guy at work..Not my type..well turns out..he was what I truly was looking for..committed, loving, kind, generous, funny..
in short..A NICE GUY..(not my type..) well today he's my type..we've been together for 10 months and we have a great relationship.
We are going to start pre-marital counseling soon because we both want to identify any areas that could be a problem should we get married..
I guess I'm of the "work on yourself and eventually the right guy will show up when you are ready..
If you aren't ready..don't force it..surprised your counselor recommended it since you are not even divorced..hmmm..that doesn't sound right to me but what do I know..
I truly believe you have to be happy alone and in your own skin before going into another relationship..it worked for me..I was ok with where I was..
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
HS, when your "picker" is broken that usually means that in a room full of "normal" people you will zero in and be attracted to the one "sick" person in there. You're not "being" a picker, but what you use to pick people is broken.
My picker has been broken from the very start. Hopefully as I continue to work on my recovery my picker will get better as well.
Hugs,
Kellye
My picker has been broken from the very start. Hopefully as I continue to work on my recovery my picker will get better as well.
Hugs,
Kellye
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
MY advice about you dating now........one word: NO. JMHO
Even if you had just been dating, I would say no, for now. The fact that you are still married.......well; take some time for yourself. If you are questioning it, that should be your answer,IMHO.
Counselors can give bad advice,too. My sister had one tell her a few weeks after rehab (in that case,detox) to start dating, meeting people online,etc as her form of "recovery". My sister relapsed and went into real treatment after that and got counselors who advised no major life changes for at least a year or two....she is doing much better now.
I think the same "rule" applies to our recoveries,too. Even if alcoholism wasn't in the picture, I think a time of grief and healing from the end of your marriage is also a good idea. (I'm in the same position,too)
Even if you had just been dating, I would say no, for now. The fact that you are still married.......well; take some time for yourself. If you are questioning it, that should be your answer,IMHO.
Counselors can give bad advice,too. My sister had one tell her a few weeks after rehab (in that case,detox) to start dating, meeting people online,etc as her form of "recovery". My sister relapsed and went into real treatment after that and got counselors who advised no major life changes for at least a year or two....she is doing much better now.
I think the same "rule" applies to our recoveries,too. Even if alcoholism wasn't in the picture, I think a time of grief and healing from the end of your marriage is also a good idea. (I'm in the same position,too)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Hi,
My experience, strength and hope on this is, we need a time to recover for ourselves and 8 months probably isn't long enough.
In A.A it's a year to two years and even longer. We need time to heal what's in us before we are capable of entering another relationship.
Basically we have to work on becoming healthy in order to attract healthy people.
Personally if I was single I wouldn't even attempt to start dating because there are so many wierdos out there and as far as on-line dating that would be too wierd.
Ngaire
My experience, strength and hope on this is, we need a time to recover for ourselves and 8 months probably isn't long enough.
In A.A it's a year to two years and even longer. We need time to heal what's in us before we are capable of entering another relationship.
Basically we have to work on becoming healthy in order to attract healthy people.
Personally if I was single I wouldn't even attempt to start dating because there are so many wierdos out there and as far as on-line dating that would be too wierd.
Ngaire
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Anyone out there with experience care to share???
It's been over a year and a half and I'm still in no mood for either the search or the chase! My attempts at "getting out there" only caused me more stress at a time when I needed that like a hole in the head.
How would your H feel about you dating while separated? Or your kids? Hard to keep that stuff a secret from kids. And what they know will surly get back to your H. I would think it might only add to the stress/drama level right now.
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My experience of “getting out there” before I was ready just made me reluctant to “get out there” when I am ready, (when ever that will be). But on the upside my life is very uncomplicated right now and it's a welcome change
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Hey LaTeDa....
LOL if you read some of my posts starting in late October when I first
started the dating thing you will see some of my experiences....
My exabf and I were apart 6 months when I started looking around.
I started with Match.com met a couple of nice guys but not for me.
One had small children the other too many health issues, things
I had put on my list of acceptable and unacceptable.
Put the brakes on the whole thing for awile then recently started
"recycling" you know men I used to date. I have gone out with one
the last couple of weeks that I used to see. He was possessive and
controlling 4.5 years ago, since he seems to have changed considerably.
Perhaps he found out that no one healthy will accept that type of
behaviour. Really, I don't feel completely ready, just kind of testing
the waters if you will.
I have a couple of friends that used EHarmony and have had great
experiences with that site.
I am not in a hurry there is so much going on in my life right now, but
it is nice to go out with a male adult sometimes for dinner and conversation.
As to finding men, the only place I have been able in on dating sites...
I refuse to date a man I meet in a bar...forget that meet them at the grocery
store idea....the way I look when I go there even the produce guy wouldn't
look....LOL
Take it slow and set your boundry's and make a list of what you will accept
or not....Summer is coming maybe you will meet someone nice at the beach
while your kids are building a sandcastle...just a thought...but trust me I know
where you are coming from...and it ain't easy......Hugs
LOL if you read some of my posts starting in late October when I first
started the dating thing you will see some of my experiences....
My exabf and I were apart 6 months when I started looking around.
I started with Match.com met a couple of nice guys but not for me.
One had small children the other too many health issues, things
I had put on my list of acceptable and unacceptable.
Put the brakes on the whole thing for awile then recently started
"recycling" you know men I used to date. I have gone out with one
the last couple of weeks that I used to see. He was possessive and
controlling 4.5 years ago, since he seems to have changed considerably.
Perhaps he found out that no one healthy will accept that type of
behaviour. Really, I don't feel completely ready, just kind of testing
the waters if you will.
I have a couple of friends that used EHarmony and have had great
experiences with that site.
I am not in a hurry there is so much going on in my life right now, but
it is nice to go out with a male adult sometimes for dinner and conversation.
As to finding men, the only place I have been able in on dating sites...
I refuse to date a man I meet in a bar...forget that meet them at the grocery
store idea....the way I look when I go there even the produce guy wouldn't
look....LOL
Take it slow and set your boundry's and make a list of what you will accept
or not....Summer is coming maybe you will meet someone nice at the beach
while your kids are building a sandcastle...just a thought...but trust me I know
where you are coming from...and it ain't easy......Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Wonderful thread gang, thanx all.
As a newly single guy with lots of health issues I am very interested in ya'll's opinions
On the advice of many good friends in my f2f meets I'm taking it _very_ slow. My objective is _not_ to find another soulmate with which to live happily ever after. My objective is to _be_ a soulmate.
I can't get there from here. I am still attracted to "emotionally unavailable" women who are not attracted to me. Echoes of my childhood, no doubt. What I am doing is making new friends. Just friends. Paricularly with other members of the program who are also in a similar emotional place as me. We go out with the clear understanding that we are _both_ not ready for relationship or commitment.
Whadya know, these friends I'm making are plenty "emotionally unavailable" themselves. This tells me two things; that I am not yet able to "see" healthy people, and that _I_ must be "emotionally unavailable". Because of my health issues I am also a little spooked of getting involved with "codies in denial". I do need some help with daily activities, but I don't need a control freak who wants to take over.
Considering how "burned" I am after a 20yr marriage ending due to addiction and infidelity I can see how i am unconsciously putting up "walls" even with a simple friendship. In addition, my marriage brought me a _lot_ of good and wonderful times before the addiction took over. In the back of my mind I have that wonderful partner with whom I built a solid relationship for two decades as a yardstick. It is very hard for me to see how I could ever get that lucky again.
I'm going to find my next soulmate amongst the people I call friends, not a stranger off some dating service. That means that I have to keep working on my "friend skills" for awhile.
Mike :-)
As a newly single guy with lots of health issues I am very interested in ya'll's opinions
On the advice of many good friends in my f2f meets I'm taking it _very_ slow. My objective is _not_ to find another soulmate with which to live happily ever after. My objective is to _be_ a soulmate.
I can't get there from here. I am still attracted to "emotionally unavailable" women who are not attracted to me. Echoes of my childhood, no doubt. What I am doing is making new friends. Just friends. Paricularly with other members of the program who are also in a similar emotional place as me. We go out with the clear understanding that we are _both_ not ready for relationship or commitment.
Whadya know, these friends I'm making are plenty "emotionally unavailable" themselves. This tells me two things; that I am not yet able to "see" healthy people, and that _I_ must be "emotionally unavailable". Because of my health issues I am also a little spooked of getting involved with "codies in denial". I do need some help with daily activities, but I don't need a control freak who wants to take over.
Considering how "burned" I am after a 20yr marriage ending due to addiction and infidelity I can see how i am unconsciously putting up "walls" even with a simple friendship. In addition, my marriage brought me a _lot_ of good and wonderful times before the addiction took over. In the back of my mind I have that wonderful partner with whom I built a solid relationship for two decades as a yardstick. It is very hard for me to see how I could ever get that lucky again.
I'm going to find my next soulmate amongst the people I call friends, not a stranger off some dating service. That means that I have to keep working on my "friend skills" for awhile.
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
That means that I have to keep working on my "friend skills" for awhile.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Wow Mike kind of a put down....
Nothing wrong with dating sites....
Many have been very successful.
In my particular situation meeting men at work is not an option
I am the "only" one in my office.
Not interested in meeting men in any group situations to be honest
not for me.
The circle of friends I have is small and everyone is "accounted for."
I do agree however, that friends first is a great place to start, but
we were all "strangers" before we met.....
Nothing wrong with dating sites....
Many have been very successful.
In my particular situation meeting men at work is not an option
I am the "only" one in my office.
Not interested in meeting men in any group situations to be honest
not for me.
The circle of friends I have is small and everyone is "accounted for."
I do agree however, that friends first is a great place to start, but
we were all "strangers" before we met.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
As far as my counselor goes, I think she is just trying to plant the seed. Maybe even trying to get me to look at my fence sitting and decide what I want. She also counsels my children, so I wouldn't think it would be anything to keep secret from them. I really don't think I would be comfortable dating until the divorce is filed, at least. And I'm not going to file until after I buy a house, so that will be another month and a half.
I am also of the mind that if I work on me and do things I enjoy, then I am more likely to meet someone who shares my interests. Online dating does seem a little weird, but I've never tried it so how would I know? LOL
Side note, one of the houses I am seriously considering is an 1890's victorian that needs a fair amount of work/restoration. So, if that happens, there will be lots of burly construction workers in my future.
I am also of the mind that if I work on me and do things I enjoy, then I am more likely to meet someone who shares my interests. Online dating does seem a little weird, but I've never tried it so how would I know? LOL
Side note, one of the houses I am seriously considering is an 1890's victorian that needs a fair amount of work/restoration. So, if that happens, there will be lots of burly construction workers in my future.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Side note, one of the houses I am seriously considering is an 1890's victorian that needs a fair amount of work/restoration.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
In the back of my mind I have that wonderful partner with whom I built a solid relationship for two decades as a yardstick. It is very hard for me to see how I could ever get that lucky again.
I have met some very nice guys these last months and I'm hoping a couple of them will still be around when I'm ready. If not, fingers crossed one will enter my life eventually, if it's meant to be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Patty, the only reason this one is in my price range is because it needs so much work.
Equus, I guess I will have to learn plastering. And I will have a whole house to practice on!
L
Equus, I guess I will have to learn plastering. And I will have a whole house to practice on!
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Good luck on getting that home..sounds wonderful.
I am not good at all at plastering....unfortunately.
Everything I have done in my condo is contracted out...
Maybe I should take a class in home repairs...
Hey that might be a great place to meet single men....
Never know
I am not good at all at plastering....unfortunately.
Everything I have done in my condo is contracted out...
Maybe I should take a class in home repairs...
Hey that might be a great place to meet single men....
Never know
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