Brammy1963

I was in a relationship with my ASO for a year. For the first part of our relationship, he was really trying to make a break from his alcoholism. He was put in a situation where he was exposed daily to drinking and of course we know how the rest of it goes.

I thought I had broken away from him but a situation put us back in touch. I never stopped loving him because I always remember the person he was when he was not drinking. Even though I loved him the distance I managed to put between us allowed me to go on with my life somewhat.

Everything came back when we got back in touch, I was ready to put on the hip boots again for the off chance that he would reconsider recovery. He even attended an AA meeting with me. Anyway, shortly after we got back together, I found that he was also trying to establish and inappropriate relationship with another woman from his past. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. He said it was just a mistake, a walk down memory lane whatever. But after all we'd gone through I couldn't accpet that he would jeopardize it for someone he hadn't even seen in over twenty years. Needless to say I can't get over it.

I am so torn right now. I am torn between the man I fell in love with and helping him get back to that point of recovery and the fact that I still love him but will no longer trust him. My heart is breaking over this and I feel trapped in limbo between trying to help the man I love and trying to help myself get over him and not get too close.

karlofthenorth

Unfortunatly, my unprofessional advice is don't let him drag you down. He will have to WANT TO HELP HIMSELF before you can be of any help. I think he just proved he is not concerned a lot with your feelings nor even the other womens. It appears to be all about what he wants at the time. I know it hurts to love someone but also have to let them go. I was in a relationship where she messed around, I said I would never take someone back who did that, but I did and all was fine for over 2 years and then just before we got married, BAM! she did it again. And then I was suppose to forgive and make up, NOPE!!
It will be probably a bit painful for you but I think you might have to put this guy in the past and move on and take care of your program. You have the strength and courage to stop drinking, then you have the strength and courage to put him in your rearview mirror. There is someone better for you, I'm sure of it.
BE STRONG! I only hope I could be of some help. Best wishes, karlofthenorth

Zoey

Brammy, Welcome to SR, this is the greatest site. It helps to type out our feelings where someone will care, and understand the hurt and heartbreak.
You mentioned AA, are you in the program?? If you are in recovery it is important to be very carefull getting into relationships,as you no doubt know.

Not an easy road with either an active A or a recoverying A.

karlofthenorth has said it well.

Keep coming back. It hurts, right now, but will be less and less painfull in time.

LaTeeDa

Maybe it would help to look at this one sentence as it appears. You are torn between trying to fix him and trying to fix you. Which one seems more realistic? Which one do you actually know you can accomplish? When you look at it this way, the choice is really very simple isn't it? Simple, but not easy, I know. The alcoholic in my life is my husband of 17 years and the father of my two children. Yet, as soon as I realized that the only person in the relationship I had and control over was me, I was able to make choices that didn't create any more pain in my life. In fact, some of them have actually made life better for me.

Best wishes to you,

L

denny57

Welcome Brammy

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. And I understand. My AH also hooked up with an old girlfriend from 20 years ago, saying it was a nosalgic mistake. Unfortunately, he also began hooking up with much more than that. Again and again. We were together 18 years and the last 3-4 were just so painful as his disease progressed, along with his inappropriate behavior. I got out of the situation.

I can't give you advice on what to do. I do wish I had sought out support much, much sooner in my relationship. I did not know about or understand alcoholism at all. I can say that once I started going to Al-Anon, got a therapist and talked with our family doctor, I fairly quickly knew and understood that I could not continue to live this way.

You are only a year into this relationship. I would only suggest you give serious thought as to whether you want to continue knowing the disease is progressive, etc. Now that I understand so much more (though certainly not all) about the disease, I see clearly that my AH already had a problem when we met those 18 years ago.

And Clancy is absolutely right - the pain at the beginning for me was almost unbearable - I love my AH very much. Six months later I am much better.

Good luck to you and keep posting.

bikewench

Hey Brammy...
A warm welcome to SR...

yeah...


I wish.. I wish... oh .. how I wish....
if wishes were dollars.. I'd be damn rich.. ;o)

But.. I'm an addict as well... and so I understand the hierarchy of things.. in an addicts mind.


And it's memememememe..... all the way.

What can I get away with.

For.. you see.... addicts are always wanting to use... and all you people... well.. you just get in the way.

Even if we tell you your special.
Even if we tell you that your the only one.
Even if we tell you that we're not gonna let you down ever again around that stuff.

Yeah...
we say what feels right at the time.


Of course.. I've also tried to love an addict as well.
And been taken for a ride around the block a time or two.


For today....
I know that the one man in my life that won't mess with me in any way shape or form is... God.

And the one man that will be infinately dependable and willing to listen anytime and just be there for me...
Well.. God again.


Other than that... I have to take care of my life... and let God take care of everyone else... using or not.


It's a wicked concept... but.. if achieved can allow a person to love unconditionally regardless of the circumstances.

I am trying to let go of someone as I write... and it ain't easy.

But.. just cause I love him don't mean he has to live his life according to how I think he should.
Just like I don't have to live according to how anyone else thinks I should be.

That's free will all the way... and it's a bytch.

Letting go.. one day at a time... people.. situations.. and substances.

It's a tough.. sometimes very lonely old world...
But.. it's real.

And I'll take that to the insanity of trying to control a user any day.

Now.. I give to those that give something back to me... and I no longer look to one person to do it all.

Praying for detachment for you... and clarity of situation.

megamysterioso

Welcome to SR (Brammy). I'm sorry for this pain in your life. I really feel that until you let him go you will continue to be torn. Since he is an alcoholic, no matter how much you try and "help" him, he is ultimately only person that can help himself. He can if he is serious and willing, find a way to get to those AA meetings without you. I know you love who you think he is when sober and the "man you think he can be," but please step back and look at what is now. If your trust is gone, it is gone. Live in the present and make a decision that will settle your heart and mind.

Brammy1963

I knew I came to the right place. I have been running myself ragged trying to fix something I have no control over. What started out as a wonderful loving relationship has turned into something that I don't want to live with. Bikewench said it best for me, all I hear from him lately is 'mememememe'. I had been here before and once I let him go thought that would be the end of it but unfoirtunately, since I didn't keep reinforcing all that I'd learned the first time, I allowed myself to be dragged back into it.

Thanks guys, love you all for all of your support
Bram

BTW I think I must have mistyped. I am not in recovery, he went to a meeting for me under the guise of helping himself. I know now that this was just part of the manipulation.

megamysterioso

Good luck breaking this cycle Bram. You sound very rational in your decision making and no one knows what is best for you better than YOU. I'm sure him going to that meeting was partly to "show you he's 'serious' this time." The fact is though, if he really is serious, he'll go to those meetings ALONE with or without you in his life. All the best.

Brammy

I'm baack!!! I couldn't find my original log in til now Brammy1963 is back to officially being Brammy!!!!

Brammy

I love your signature and realize that this is exactly what my life has become. Instead of visiting the loony bin, I took up residence with him.

You guys are great. Won't lose this page again!

Brammy

Pick-a-name

Brammy: I am so sorry. Seems its another part of the ISM rearing it's ugly head IMHO. I fear this is a somewhat similar situation to the one I find myself in with soon-to-be exAH,he left,(after 30 yrs). Until/unless they want to get better, I am afraid these kinds of things are to be expected. It's hard for me to get my head around this (AH was NOT like this for 25yr plus until his drinking crossed a line); it is even harder for me to get my heart around it. We share two children and a lifetime. Part of me wants to stay "on hold", but at what cost?

I am sorry this is happening in your life. I try to let go and let God....that is all I can do. I hope you can, also.

Brammy

Its doubly hard for me to love him and have everyone around me tell me how much happier and healthier he looked when we were together. I see the decline and want to 'save' him. I think my white horse needs to re-shoed and I know I found the strength here before. If the situation ever arises again, I want you all to give me a virtual boink on the head since I will be sure to check in here first.