I am reading through this post realizing for the first time, I have no idea what normal is, not a clue what I even want it to be. Which is not sucha bad thing as a few months ago, I was sitting mystified looking at my counselor, discussing moods say "What do mean have a neutral day, what is neutral, I do not think Ive had one of those, ever.?" I can proudly say today 2 months later I have had lots of neutral days, and after I got past the, this sucks, they are quite nice.

So what is normal? Sunday my husbadn sat in the backyard cooking out and chatting and he said Today was good, we had a semi normal day(Only Semi, as he had lockdown at rehab at 8.) If that relaxing day was normal, I hope I ahve many more, however, with 3 sons, most of life is anything but normal.

I can tell you exactly what happened when my normal was taken away. I went from being a compassionate person whom my friends could depend on to being Don Quixote jousting windmills. Trying to plug up leaks in dams that had nothing to do with me and slowly losing perspective on who I was as well as my emotional stability. I found myself with more questions than answers the effects of which spilled over into every aspect of my life and every relationship I had outside of the Alcoholic in my life. No more time for friends because I needed to be there for HIM. To keep HIM from drinking, to make sure HE was eating when HE drank. To talk HIM out of his emotional outbursts and rages against everything and everyone for making HIS life miserable. HIM became bigger than me and I slowly began to become nothing.

Love? Hardly!

Now I am once again beginning to concentrate on ME and a lot less on him (too bad I can't subscript that). In my world the only BIG people are slowly becoming the ones who don't belittle themselves with alcohol. ME included.

I didn't read all your responses, so forgive me if I repeat...

I am an alcoholic and there was a time when I asked myself that question... when did my drinking become something that was "not normal"? When did normal end?

The answer is, of course, I was NEVER normal.... I was alcoholic long before I took that first drink. And I never drank "normally". I was a binge drinker from the get-go and blacked out the first time I drank (and most times there after).

When did normal end in relationships? Same answer... I was alanonic long before I met my first relationship. I am drawn to the type of person with whom I can BE alanonic... sometimes mothering, often monitoring, always manipulating and constantly being a martyr. The 4 Ms... sure sign of an Alanon.

I am Alanonic and Alcoholic. Maybe I learned it so young that I can't remember the learning process, maybe I was born with some of these traits. I only started to put labels on them when they stopped working for me.

I didn't change... I just took notice.

((long))

I feel sad that you think you cannot experience full joy again because of someone else's drinking. I don't know your whole story, but a good therapist could help you with this. I once thought as you do, but I have worked hard to change my thinking and it has paid off.

Denny....I can feel joy with in myself, but no one can tell me that sitting in the church wondering if the ex is going to be able to walk our daughter down the isle, or at a family gathering he isn't going to show up and disrupt the occasion isn't going to somewhat bothersome. You cannot ignore a loud obnoxiuos staggering drunk. I can't control it, but the reality is I am stuck observing it and he WILL make himself part of it. Yes I can chose not to attend these occasions but then I miss the joy. I have talked to a therapist, but those issues they can't fix. At this point in time even going out to dinner has an edge, he shows up, makes a seen and I just seem to lose my appetite. We live in a small town which makes it even more difficult, my only hope is that when he gets off parole he will move on. I love and need my job and have began to rebuild my life. I have a great support system here, me moving away is not an option at this point, as was suggested by a therapist. At this point their are no answers, it is just a fact in my life. So I guess that is my normal.

Hi long at this,
I really want to emphasize that I have compassion for what you've lived through. I, too, watched my dreams and hopes for the 'normal' family dissipate, having only wanted to give my own 3 children a stable, loving intact family to ground them in their lives and provide me with a loving partnership. And I wanted it so badly because I didn't have it.

What I'm still stumbling with in your writing is this sense that this all of a sudden happened to you, taking you from heaven to hell. It's hard to understand that for 10 years there was this beautiful family life and bliss, then it turned to living with a drunk wreaking havoc on yours and your children's lives.

Here's my trouble understanding: alcoholics don't become alcoholics overnight, nor do their become alcoholics just because they got into the habit of drinking more than usual and it 'got out of control'. Alcoholism is fueled by emotional pain, by a wish to numb, block, manage, control difficult feelings -- pain, anger, resentment, grief, depression, etc.

It's likely that whatever in your husband led to the very sad progression, was there for a long time festering, very likely before he even met you. He probably managed in other ways, less noticable, before beginning to use alchohol much later in life.

So here's the thing. I believe strongly that we are attracted to people of 'like health' and, similarly, attract them to us. I've had to do some questioning in my own understanding of why I was attracted to my two husbands. What brought me together with these people. Was I just a 'normal' person who happened to fall in love with a 'non-normal' man, or a man who was 'normal' at the outset and became 'non-normal'? No. It doesn't work that way. I was wounded. I wanted something. I looked to them to get it.

The more we search inside ourselves to understand how things unfolded, the more empowered we become to make changes and have the lives we want. In my case, I know until I really did the heavy lifting in therapy to understand my own issues -- including my history and how it related to my choice of men -- could I develop the capacity to have the healthy and loving relationship I do now.

I hope you continue to move on and get some peace. Hopefully, weddings and graduations are few and far between. and those really are your children's events and it's up to them to decide if they want their father there and the risk of dealing with his behavior. They have choices as well. The rest of the time, there's probably very little intersection your life and your ex's life need dto have.

Whateve the reality, that's really worry about the future, a future that hasn't happened yet. And when we spend our time worrying about the future, we rob ourselves of today. A lesson I still have to practice a lot myself.

best
gf

gf
Thanks for your insight, I look back over the years and asked what happened, we were very young when we got together so the knowlege of an unhealthy person I did not have. We had our ups and downs, much of our time was consumed by raising a family and building a future.
Believe me this did not just happen over night it was a long painful progression,10 years of what I thought was normal, 14 years of deterioration. Since I was taken by shocked by each new outrageous event that unfolded in the final years, I tried desperatley to keep the family intact, I became the buffer zone. In some ways I think that this may have hurt my children, as soon a I quit coming to the rescue things dertiorated quickly. This person went from a talented hardworking man, who was a boyscout leader, baseball coach and who loved his family,to overtime to a drunk who made the paper not for his accomlishments as in the past, but for his DUI's and prison sentencing. My children are now dealing with him and having to make difficult choices, they want the Dad they had back. His bottle of Kessler and Coors Lights are his family now. Oh he wants contact with us and acceptance of his new life. According to him since he was a good dad and husband we should accept the life he choses now. It is a real head scratcher to everyone involved. Maybe I missed something in those beggining years but I can't go back. Starting over at 47 is very difficult, I am looking forward to the future, although with some dread in mind, it can only get better.

The sad part is when you look back to find out when normal ended you also tend to try to understand where you ended and it all became about the Addict and his/her needs instead of your own needs.

I got this way and he would ask me what I wanted and I would honestly tell him that I didn't know for I didn't consider my own needs anymore.

I hope this is still on topic.

Very good point sarahlynnl! Maybe normal ended when I ended doing what was best for me. Now it is up to me to determine a healthy road to travel and not lose me again.

I'm with you LAT. I'm starting over at 43. My husband still wants "credit" for all the things he did in the past that were good. He got the credit at the time, now he has to live with what his life has become. Not pleasant for him at all, I would imagine. But my life is still mine, and I don't get another shot at it, so I will make the absolute best of what I have left. Hopefully, that will be a long time. And, in a strange way, I am grateful that all this happened because I would not have realized how empty my life was and would have continued existing without really living.

JMO,

L

Good points.. yes, I remember thinking at one point, when did our lives become so darn screwed up? It seemed like one day it was all normal and then it got so bad. Yes, I feel forever scarred by having lived with an alcoholic, still do, but thank GOD he is in recovery. But I don't know if I will ever trust the same. I am trying to give it up to GOD to take some of the weight of the worries off me. It's hard. :sprinkler

Hi long at this,

It does sound like you're getting to a place of acceptance. It's hard, for sure. Sometimes I still look back with regret at the lost years, and then realize they weren't completely lost, that I learned so very much, and had to learn the lessons I did to get to the place where I really could start again. And I really am moving towards the life I want to have.

About the quote above -- are you divorced? I'm not sure I understand him wanting contact with 'us'. Are you still in regular contact? If so, why?

just some questions,
best
gf

Thank you for you insight from 'the other side'. The hardest part for us involved is that we don't know the thought process of an A or an Addict (one in the same). We just try to deal with them based on our experiences and think that there is some magic bullet that we can use to make them all better never knowing that the very desire to do so is what makes us excellent enablers for their addiction.

Again, thank you for this insight.