The inevitable happened

Old 04-16-2006, 06:05 PM
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The inevitable happened

I knew it was a matter of if, not when. When came late April 15th.

*sigh*

My AH just got his 3rd DWI last night/early this morning. Three makes a felony offense. Three means he loses his drivers license for a year. Three means this time he definitely will have to have a deep-lung air device installed on his car. Three means more than likely a jail sentence. Three means he won't be able to work at his job anymore. Three means his life is forever changed.

I know this isn't my doing or my problem to deal with, but I can't help being so upset about it all. I don't want to go through all of this again.

I mentioned he won't be able to work at his job anymore. I think I've said before that he's in sales, but specifically home sales. He can't take clients out to look at property for the year without his license, and even after that year, because of the device on his car, he won't be able to then either. Can you imagine, "OK, people who are going to be buying a $500,000 house...hang on a sec while I blow into this device to start my car." Yeah. Great. One created the other, but I hate that they do happen together...this is the time that we need the money he makes...fines, lawyers, the whole nine yards.

He's been crying and laying in bed all day, depressed. Saying maybe we should sell the house and move to where my job is. Then of all things, while we were watching TV, he asked if I would bring him a beer. I went off. Not yelling and mad, but incredulously freaking out. "This still isn't enough? You still don't freakin' see what drinking is doing to your life? This situation could be the best thing that's happened to us if you can grow from it and get your sh*# together. Get over your stupid embarassment to go to AA. It's not that big of a freakin' deal!" On, and on, and on. Talk about an eye opener for me. I just can't believe that he still doesn't get it.

So he said he'd start AA meetings...later...if we move. Great. I'm thinkin' I've heard that before. Doesn't that sound familiar?

I told him 1 beer equals me leaving. Period.
I swear, I mean it.
Guess I just wanted to vent a bit to some people who would understand...
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Old 04-16-2006, 06:15 PM
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I told him 1 beer equals me leaving. Period.
I swear, I mean it.
keep your plans in motion - somehow i don't think he's hit his bottom yet. i am so sorry TG - it's a nightmare for sure. only you can stop your nightmare and it's tough to do. ((((TG)))
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Old 04-16-2006, 06:33 PM
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His life is changed forever. It needs too. He needs to lose his license to save the lives of the people on the highways. Your life will change too, it was overdue.
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Old 04-16-2006, 07:09 PM
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Maybe YOU should move closer to your job and leave him behind. Just a thought....
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Old 04-16-2006, 07:23 PM
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I'm sorry this happened TG, but I guess you knew it would eventually. I too do not think that he's learned from this and if you take him to live with you in the new city, it will more than likely turn into an even bigger nightmare for you. Your new job was a means for YOU to earn more income to get away from him if/when the time came. It was not meant to support an unemployed husband or one that is "promising" recovery. Now is the time IMO. Hugs to you.
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Old 04-16-2006, 07:43 PM
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tg..im so sorry. that you have to deal with this. you are just damned if ya do,and damned if ya dont.as said,moving with him is not going to solve his problems.moving without him,im sure is going to be tough on you in some ways.
im just so upset for ya.
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Old 04-16-2006, 07:48 PM
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hoe did he get outta jail so fast?

Did you bail him out?
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Old 04-16-2006, 08:19 PM
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TG, I sometimes go back and read my old posts. In this case, I think you need too as well. Check out the posts that you have started in just the past few months.

While I don't believe that you are wanting to leave - I do believe that you are sick of this crazy and unmanageable life that you are living. I highly suggest you get a counselor (there's a post of your with some references to that as well) and get to an Alanon meeting!
I'm betting at this point that you aren't wanting or willing to leave - so you truly need to learn how to deal with this stuff - living an active alcholic.

((((TG))))
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Old 04-16-2006, 08:25 PM
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The question I have is why stay with a person who will lead you down a path towards financial ruin? Since he will soon be unemployed due to his latest DWI, this is the perfect time to let him stand on his own. Without the help of an attorney, he will definitely face jail time.

Perhaps this is the kick in the butt he needs. But I still have to wonder why anyone would stay with a person who's accumulated three DWI's. This man is headed for disaster. TG, you don't have to follow down the same path.
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Old 04-16-2006, 08:44 PM
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FD is right. If you let his actions derail you, you are going down with him. Maybe if you get out of the way and let him fall, it will do him some good. One thing's for sure, staying with him and "helping" him through this will do neither of you any good.

L
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Old 04-16-2006, 08:54 PM
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I am so sorry. Honestly, I think if it were me and my AH if came home from all that and ask me to get him a beer... I would get myself the new home near the new job fast and he would not be invited to come along. He's going to be a huge emotional and financial liability if you stick around or if you allow him to tag along with you. He should have to deal with the consequences of his actions on his own. I hope that this situation gives him the kick a$$ that makes him get his life together and that when it's all over he comes to you begs you to allow him to take care of you like the queen you are.

I read a few paragraphs of a book today about being happy... what I got from it is that what it takes to be happy is moving forward and making progress. You've made some great plans and you're following through with them. This should be a happy time in your life. You do not have to stick around and let him drag you through this with him.

Mind you that is just my opinion. I'll still think you're a queen whatever you chose to do with your life.
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Old 04-16-2006, 09:18 PM
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(((TG))))'

Be good to yourself and realize he may need something strong to open his eyes. The more responsibility you take for him the less he will take for himself which will not help him at all.
It is compassionate to let someone face the consequences of their actions and not rescue them. It may not be easy to do for us codies. I know you do not want to be his support to stay drunk so don't do it just don't and take very good care of you. If this is the shock he needs to wake up that is great. If it does not wake him up it is still not your fault. Please give this man room to sink or swim...
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Old 04-16-2006, 09:33 PM
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So sorry to hear this. I am a caring follower of your plight. God bless and I know you to be a strong woman and will do the right thing.
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Old 04-16-2006, 09:50 PM
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I hope that this situation gives him the kick a$$ that makes him get his life together and that when it's all over he comes to you begs you to allow him to take care of you like the queen you are.

I calmly (though I know it wasn't even heard) told xabf a few months before the 2nd dui and even went on to his 3rd dui... "I can't live like this anymore" and then I proceeded to live it.

Friend of Bill, in some states they are arrested, let go, then they have to go thru all the court dates, then they do the jail time, even on a 3rd dui. I don't know enough about xabf ordeal, I was on the leaving agenda and getting him to leave, then his court stuff started after that.

Someone once told me, someone she knew had a son that his 3rd dui's fine was $35,000... He's going to be a huge emotional and financial liability if you stick around or if you allow him to tag along with you. He should have to deal with the consequences of his actions on his own.

It is tough, but then that's what he was to understand thru his 1st dui... I know I can rem. driving away from a visit and thinking to myself - this is the only time I'm doing this and I guess I meant it... do what ever it takes, take care of yourself
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Old 04-17-2006, 05:11 AM
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Originally Posted by TexasGirl
Then of all things, while we were watching TV, he asked if I would bring him a beer.
Well clearly this isn't his bottom.... yet.
Sounds more like it's your bottom, almost.

Good timing on the new job huh?
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Old 04-17-2006, 05:34 AM
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I agree with Jazzman, this is not his bottom. My step father lost his license due to DWI's. Got fired from his job (20 yrs) and STILL continued to drink, had a stroke and died, actually because he was drunk and hit his head on the TV.

Their car insurance went up to 6,000 a year, plus all the attornies fees, the total cost was over 30,000 and that was 15 years ago.

Now, today, this can effect your credit rating, ability to get car, health and life insurance and more...not to mention if he gets in an accident and kills or mames someone, you could be sued and lose everything..I hope you have good coverage.

Not trying to scare you, just the facts...like my father says "Be like a fighter in a ring,
fight fair, but, protect yourself at all times"

Are you protecting you and your future?

Dolly
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Old 04-17-2006, 05:51 AM
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When I envisoned leaving my first husband, I always thought it would be on the heals of a huge arguement. In reality it was a calm, fight or flight decision. I just picked up the two kids and we walked out the door with nothing but the clothes on our backs. I had reached my bottom. Who would have thought that reaching your bottom would come calmly with, "Bring me a beer."
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Old 04-17-2006, 05:51 AM
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oh my! All I can think of is the expense of it all, OUCH! He's turning into one expensive alcoholic.

TG, you said anymore beer and you're gone, you should live by that threat. If you don't, he will never take you seriously.
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Old 04-17-2006, 05:56 AM
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If you stay with him, you are going down into financial ruin- all for a man who has cheated and lied and done nothing but negative things in your life. If you stay , you can vent all you want but at this point you will be bringing it on yourself. I know it is terrifing to go out on your own- but the alternative is this repetive downward spiral of despair. And you will be enabling him to continue to drink because you will now have to support him. I would have brought him the beer, dumped it on his head, packed and been long gone. I am sorry to be so blunt but this is not a situuation that is going to go away or get better. dax
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Old 04-17-2006, 06:08 AM
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Tg, when my ah got into a terrible car wreck, he was gone ALL NIGHT. I was up pacing the floors. I was angry, picturing he was out with another woman. But, there was that part in me who was scared he was dead on the side of the road. He last called at 10 pm, saying he'd be home shortly. Although it was like him to say one thing and do another, typically, he just wouldn't have called if he were out doing stuff he shouldn't be. When he called, he was drunk. I told him he shouldn't be driving....he blew me off. In any event, he got into that wreck at midnight. His car flew deep into the woods off the interstate, nobody found him until 9 am.

Getting to my point, part of me felt glad this happened. Not glad he was hurt, not glad to see him looking like that or having to go through what he went through but glad that something happened due to his drinking. I was glad because I felt as if I had the upper hand. I could say what I wanted regarding his drinking and be justifiied. I was finally RIGHT!

I told him all about his drinking, what it did to everyone, etc. I told him he could never drink again, needed to get help, etc. He agreed. OH boy. he was finally "getting it."

Guess what? He got it for as long as he needed too "get it." In other words, until I started to act normal again. Now, he drinks as he always has, just hides it from some he used to not (his mom, a few friends, etc).

My point is, if you have those same feelings....and I would imagine you do, just know you are right and justified and all those other things. But that doesn't mean it'll change him. You might have to live by your threat.

Another thing, I really wish I would have left after his accident. I thought it would have been horrible to leave while he was down and hurt. But now, I KNOW it would have been the best time to leave....for him and for ME.
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