pmaslan

Really....I think the challenge is in staying......

Spending everyday worrying and wondering....
Working at a job and handing your pay over to pay his debt.
Losing more and more of you everyday....

That is challenging....
and unnecessary.

splendra

(((TG)))

I saw a picture of you posted on here you are a very actractive woman I am sure you turn heads. You are smart you manged to get a new job. If you did leave him he would either get his act together of he wouldn't. If he does get his act together you might have a chance at a real relationship...If he does not get it together and you move on you will be alright if you let him stay you could feel this way for years believe me. Gosh girl you are young and beautiful and smart and you don't deserve a handful of cr@p for your efforts...

LaTeeDa

So ask yourself, TG. What are you going to do about that? Are you going to stay stuck in your fear? Paralyzed by what might happen? You sound as if you are resigned to being and feeling this way and there is nothing you can do about it.

Are you going to do something about it?

L

sunshine003

TG, you are a smart, capable woman. If staying gone is a challenge, then challenge yourself. Challenge yourself to a better life. Challenge yourself to move on, get healthy and then meet someone else. Challeng yourself to find someone where this isn't a part of life, learn about what true love is so you can understand the difference. I PROMISE you can do it. I believe in you, I truly do!!!

Gosh, you're young, you're smart, you are capable of supporting yourself. You have a mom who loves you. I bet you'd make some new, good friends. You have so much beyond him. I'd give my right arm to be in your shoes. You can do it, you really can.

Remember when you thought if something BIG happened it would be easier to leave? Well here it is......GRAB IT!

BigSis

I think Judy made a good point - (paraphrased) - that saying the right things in anger is easy, but when you can say them with detachment (when you are NOT angry), THEN you will be ready to leave.

If that is true... then perhaps you need to figure out how to live with active addiction.

In my life, first I have to become AWARE of a thing... you are definitely aware of your husbands addiction.

Then I have to ACCEPT the thing - and that is more than just a passing acknowledgement. I think you are there, but I don't know you well enough to know for sure.

Only after acceptance, can I CHANGE... and that in itself is a process... usually starting small, and then working up.

Have you started attending Alanon yet? If not, why not? If you are attending... do you have a sponsor? If not, why not?

Pick-a-name

TG.......only you know what actions you can and can not live with..for today.

There is a thread at http://www.GettingThemSober.com about this right now; might be helpful for your peace of mind.

gypsyrose

Texas Girl,

I think you like a challenge. Here's my theory about the challenge of not letting him back into your life after you leave... Having him in your life provides you with constant challenges. If he's not around you may get bored because of the sudden lack of challenges in your life. Therefore... I think that by finding new things to challenge yourself with, you'll be less likely to waste as much time thinking about him.

Think about how the challenge of finding and getting a new job made you feel. If you leave, you'll be busy with the challenges of selling your home, talking to a lawyer to protect your assets, finding a new place to call home, making your new place into a home for yourself, etc... Then it will be time to find new challenges.

If the man really loved you... he would not want to drag you through this. Maybe he really does love you but is too sick to tell you to save yourself right now. Maybe, someday, he'll get well and be glad that you saved yourself at a time when he was too sick to support your decision to leave. Or maybe he won't get well and you'll look back at your old life and be grateful he's not in it.

I hope that if I were in your shoes that I would talk to a lawyer and pack my bags without even discussing it with AH. His problems shouldn't be your to burdens right now. You have yourself to take care of right now. I think moving on without him may be the best thing you could do for both of you right now. I don't see how things are going to get better if you let things continue the way they are.

Meanwhile, what kind of curtains do you want in your new place? What kind of bedding? Time to get yourself some nice new pillows and blankets. I know someone who made the most beautiful bedroom decor out of beautiful sheets she found at a discount store. She sewed them together to make a duvet cover and hung one on a nice branch for a curtain. Think about it, visualize a beautiful home for yourself. Maybe you could browse some home decorating magazines today. I know it might seem like a trivial thing to do in the midst of a crisis but I always try to practice thinking about positive things when I can. When I thought about leaving my AH, I thought about how I would want to decorate my new home and it made me feel better. Visualizing a good future helped me to give me the courage to give AH the ultimatum that got him working on getting sober.

Minx1969

TG -

Can't say anything more then the wise people on this board have already said..You are at a turning point in your life..

One thing and I'm sure this isn't what you want to here..In some states if you file separation papers (not divorce papers but legal separation papers) you won't be liable for any more debt after you file the papers..

You may want to consider that right now to protect you...

cwohio

patty - i agree.

FormerDoormat

Good God, TG, you're not even gone and already you're thinking of reasons why leaving would be hard.

Here's an idea: When you leave, how about getting an unlisted phone number? How about getting a new e-mail account? How about deciding to have absolutely no contact with him after you leave and then sticking to it? How about taking a little control over your life? How about you stop worrying about what others are doing? How about you stop worrying whether other people like you? How about you stop trying to please everybody? How about you start pleasing the one person who matters--yourself.

And here's another idea: If you decide to stay with this man who is intent on destroying his life and taking you with him, then just do it and shut your yack. Complaining about your life doesn't change anything. Action does.

Sell the house, give your husband his part of the profits, and take what's due to you. Who cares what he plans on doing with the money? Who cares how he plans to earn a living? This is NOT about your husband. This is about YOU.

It's time to grow up and take responsibility for yourself. This isn't a game. This is your life.

CatsTail

God, Texas Girl how long do you want to haul his dead weight around for?

As long as you are willing to pull his dead weight he'll be more than happy to be pulled.


And isn't that convinient, his third DUI and he's wanting to pick up roots and move with you. How will you get rid of him then?

I say and hoping no one gets riled up here: DUMP THE LOSER and move on with your life!

Ngaire

denny57

((tg))

So sorry this is happening. But you could apply these questions to YOUR life, instead of his and then understand why it's not so easy to change or take control. I don't usually do comparative reasoning, but I have to believe it's even harder for someone under the influence to change their life than it is for the rest of us. JMO