ilovebdj

TX girl, I have to agree w/ Standing Strong. Go read your old posts. Determine if this is really the life you deserve to live. You've been so kind and generous and have given him plenty of chances. He doesn't want the opportunity to make himself better right now. By leaving him, you might be really helping him. I know it is so hard when you love him so much. Dontcha hate when this happens.....xoxoxo

gelfling

tg...you do know that none of this is your problem. Right??? RIGHT??? And you stated "again". He's been through this before? And you hung around and made everything okie dokie for him the last time. You're upset...you should be rippin *****d that he has little or no respect for you other than when he needs you because of his screw ups. And this is a big one.

Are you willing to either sacrifice your new job to drive him around to his designated appointments or use the additional money from it to pay his legal fees? It's about time for you to get really really disgusted with him. Big time angry, because he's stealing your life away from you. Stop feeling sorry for him. He doesn't deserve the sweat from your brow. He didn't change after the first episode. What makes you think he'll change this time? He won't. Why should he...he knows he's got a sucker of a wife who will continually forgive him.

Come on girl...get tough.

sunshine003

gelfing is right TG. You ever noticed that we start feeling sorry for them when we should be really, really mad? This is your life to you know. And he didn't stop and consider what it would do to you if he drove/drank. He just thought of himself. It is NOT time to feel sorry for him. so he laid in bed crying?

You know what else? I asked an alcoholic once what "bottom" is. He told me it's different for everyone and basically, it's when you feel the humility of what your life has become. you have to feel the humility to hit a bottom. You step in the way of him feeling that humility. Don't help him out of this, he did it. even if you stay with him, "standing by" doesn't mean fixing.

ASpouse

Obviously those wedding vows in the eyes of God don't mean a whole lot to him and do you think your parents will pick up the slack monetarily while he is without a job, career etc.

TG, I still don't think you'll do anything about this, I think you will find some way to "validate" it in your mind as you've done every single time before.

You said all the right things in anger, when you can say the same things with detachment then maybe I'll buy into what you're saying ..... right now I just can't. I doubt you are even reaching your bottom (sorry Jazz) ...... you'll pick up the pieces in the name of your "marriage vows" and the "great upbringing" you've had.

Ayers1995

Tg - I am so sorry that he has done this to you. It must have felt like a slap in the face when you got that phone call. It just makes my heart sink for you. This is one of those 'life changing' moments for you...they are not easy to face. Maybe this, or something like it, is what you've needed to help you see things for what they are? I know he is playing on your sympathy right now, poor pitiful him...well, you know what... it wasn't poor pitiful him when he was out driving after he'd been drinking...AGAIN. He knew FULL WELL what he was risking when he made that choice TG... He knew that it was going to turn YOUR life upside down, let alone what it's going to do to his. If you help him fix this, he will never stand up and face it to get the help he needs.

If you make the decision to stand on your own, I can almost gaurantee that it will be the best decision you ever make in your life. You deserve better than this. You deserve someone that is going to put you and your life together first.

I'll be thinking about you..

Pick-a-name

((TG)) I am sorry for your worry and hurt in this.

Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise? I pray it is. The screws just cranked much tighter on your husband's life....just as yours seems to be on an upswing. With you out of town at your new job.......him with no job, no license,etc,etc it seems this could be something that could possibly start to get his attention. Either way, I am sure that it will be more "reason" for you to consider your own future very carefully.

One day at a time.........I pray the best for you both. I am glad you will be working far enough away that you will be unable to even consider driving him places during the day,etc and interupting your own work day. The Lord works in strange and mysterious ways.....hope this is one of those for you..........and him,too.

TexasGirl

The bad thing is that we would have a LOT of cash at our disposal if we sold the house. Either way this goes, the house will probably get sold...if he were to move with me, we'd sell the house. If I left him, we'd more than likely sell the house. His plan once he can't work in his current capacity is to continue redoing houses. He's made a couple of good investments, our current home being one of them. He's good with his hands, so he does 90% of the work himself. So he still has more than one leg to stand on. He's already researching the next project house he can buy, and you can definitely make money in that business. And he's got the money in equity to do it with, even if he paid his fines and attorney first.

elizabeth1979

What praytell does that have to do with you and your unhappiness?
Hon, you are setting up the validation allready.
Have you gone to the therapist yet?

Texasgirl, you could look at this a number of ways. Everyone has a different opinion, everyone deals with things differently. Some peoples opinion seems to really speak to me and really helped me through the times when I thought I was helpless. I was NOT helpless, neither are you. This is your life, so you dont have to sit on the sidelines and let someone elses actions determine your fate. Would you let me make life decisions for you? No, so do you think you should let an alcoholic in active addiction call the shots?

Splendra and Gelfing are wise women, been there done that drill.

LaTeeDa

I can't believe you're even considering this.

Let him have his share of the equity to deal with his problems. Imagine how good your life will be with your new job and a pile of cash to do with what you please. Why would you even consider sharing his consequences?

L

ASpouse

This is what I'm saying guys .... Texas Girl will not do this .... talking the talk is one thing, doing it, as most of us know, is an entire different animal. This is a losing battle for the time being.

He's a smart guy .... he knows that he will always have a safe haven with her and he will never ever be responsible for his actions. TG, don't have kids, you already have a high maintenance one.

cupowater

((((((((TG))))))))) I'm so sorry! Keep strong. We are here for you!

megamysterioso

TG, aren't you supposed to call Dr. Laura back this week or soon to give her an update? Call her again as soon as you can since she's expecting you and prepare yourself for an earful of honesty. You obviously really, really, really love this man and that's OK, but you must find a way to be content with him just as he is- DUIs, drinking, cheating and all.

sunshine003

Man TG, do you hear yourself here? I don't know what to say.

I have thought about how we here should respond in order to help you. I don't think anything that has been said here is helping. Maybe we should just be "listening." ??

What is it you want?

Obviously, he has it together and will be able to pay for his attorney, has another skill to fall on for work, etc. What do you want though?

It's okay to want to stay. But then, maybe your posts should change a bit so others who have been there and done that can advise you better. Better on how to deal with an alcoholic so it doesn't affect you, etc. Maybe this hasn't affected you? But as you know, lots of people here have stayed with an active alcoholic and learn how to deal with it....they aquire the skills it takes to keep their sanity without enabling, etc.

Man oh man, I'm really sorry.

GettingBy

All that fence sitting is going to give you some serious splinters, TG. It's time for you to start making some decisions.

Are you in or out?

What do you WANT?

sunshine003

yes, mega is right. Also, tell denial boy to be grateful he just got a DWI. He should be grateful that he is just going to have to change jobs. Tell him he has no idea about "embarrassment." Tell him he is lucky just those things happened because had he killed my child while taking his drunken drive in that car, THAT would have really affected the "rest of his life." This is an inconvience to his drinking, this is not life changing. Remember how DR laura told you to stop using such big words for things? Well don't do it for him either. This isn't life changing to him. If it was, he wouldn't have asked you to bring him a beer.

Did you read that thread titled "loved your post"? If you did , did you see where he talked about "training your codie?" LOL. Well trained indeed.

pmaslan

I just read this thread and I am amazed.
I am going to say to you TG what my mother said to me.....
"Have you absolutely no self resepct at all?"
Three---- 3----- Three !!!!! DUI's wholy smokes what are you thinking here????
Do you see that in black and white 3 DUI's......
Are you still thinking he doesn't have a drinking problem?
It is time to head for the hills girl....
pack them bags and move near your new job....
Save yourself.....
This is only going to get worse....why can't you understand that?

sunshine003

you know patty, my mom said something similar to me. I thought a lot on that. I thought of girls I knew who stayed with someone after repeated cheating, lying, etc. You name it, I thought of the girl who stuck around after it happened. I sort of got the "eeewwwwww factor" while thinking of it. You know why? Because I had become "that girl." I want to be many things in my life. But my goodness, I never imagined I'd be "that girl."

shudder.

Cynay

((((( TG ))))))

Ahhh sweetie, you know what I would say, everyone else has already said it....

Im interested to hear what you have to say. You did tell him if he drinks again that you were leaving. SO, he knew what would happen, made the choice and now???????

I personally have a harder head then most. I can not tell you how many YEARS I wasted by not listening to what got was trying to teach me... I would pray, he would answer and I would not like the answer so I would change it around... it would get bad, I would pray... he would give/show me the answers.... I would not like it again so I would take back control.....

Sound familiar?

I dont know how many signs you need to find your bottom.... and there comes a point where God (higher power) gives us free will and just sits back and watches .....

Please think about this and take care of you! This is not life altering for him, he already has a plan...

LaTeeDa

You're right, Judy. Making the decision to leave is the easy part. I know, cause I made that decision dozens of times. LOL

It's after you leave that it gets hard. They don't just change because you leave. They continue manipulating, playing on your weaknesses, lying, crying, pleading, etc. etc. etc. That is the hard part.

TG, if you are not strong enough to even do the easy part (leaving), you will never make it through the hard part (staying gone). It seems like you really need to work on yourself and your confidence. Either that, or you need to develop some skills and behaviors to cope with the life you are living. If you don't do one or the other, you are doomed to live a miserable and unhappy life, just like Dr. Laura told you. But, that is your choice.

L

TexasGirl

I believe that 100%. I am so afraid that if I got away, he would play on every guilty feeling I ever had about it. I can see already that staying gone would be the real challenge.