FormerDoormat

What makes a woman stay in a relationship with a man so abusive that he'd kill her for refusing to heat up a roast beef sandwich? Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that what's out there may be worse than what she has now. Fear that nobody else would want her. Fear that she wouldn't be able to make it financially on her own. Fear that she'd be lonely. Fear that she'd fall apart. Fear that she'd be incapable of taking care of herself.

Fear--a deer caught in a car's headlights kind of fear. The kind that makes them freeze when they realize they're in harm's way, rather than bounding safely out of the way.

How many of us have behaved like a deer caught in a car's headlights? Too scared of what's on the other side? Too scared to bound to safety? Too scared to take a leap of faith? Too scared to walk a new path?

All of us have. All of us saw danger approaching. All of us knew we were in harm's way. All of us knew that our partner's drinking problem was causing ourselves and our children harm. Yet we stayed, just like the woman who's life was ended because she refused to make her husband a roast beef sandwich.

All of us arrived at SR because we were behaving like a deer caught in a car's headlights. All of us were miserable, yet we remained in broken, unhealthy relationships because we were frozen in fear.

Take a look at your life today. Are you living the life you deserve? Are your days peaceful and serene and filled with love and laughter? Are you sharing your days with a healthy partner? Are you living your best life or are you stuck in a miserable relationship because you're living in fear--like a deer caught in a car's headlights?

What turned my life around? I let go of my fear and took a leap of faith. I bounded out of harm's way, and as I watched the car's tail lights fade in the distance, I thanked my HP and SoberRecovery for helping me learn how to let go of my fear and live my best life.

LaTeeDa

FD, you were eavesdropping on my counseling session today, weren't you? LOL

I am somewhere in between. I have bounded off the road (not living with AH anymore) but have not gone off to frolick (sp?) in the woods yet. I guess I'm standing by the side of the road, out of harm's way, but still living in fear. Fear of failure. What if my new life sucks? Sure, my old life sucked, but at least I knew what to expect.

I shared a dream I had with my counselor, and her interpretation of it was that I am ready to live my dream life but........something is holding me back. I need to figure out what the "but" is. I shared the dream on this board a couple of months ago. I'll go get the link in case anyone is interested.

Now, I need to figure out what my "but" is. LOL On first pass, I suspect it is fear of failure. My codie legacy is the overacheiver role. I have a huge fear of failure. Divorce=failure, right? My intellectual self knows that it takes two to make a marriage, therefore two to fail at it. But my emotional self is having a hard time coming to grips with the failure thing. Slowly peeling away layers, here.

All in all, I came away feeling good today. Progess, not perfection.......

L

Link to the dream thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...eresting+dream

FormerDoormat

Perhaps a compare/contrast of my fears versus reality might help folks overcome their remaining fears. Let me preface the following chart with this: NONE of my fears became reality.


Fear: What’s out there might be worse than what I have now
Reality: My previous life was filled with frustration, rage, emptiness, loneliness, sadness, and hopelessness. My life today is filled with happiness, serenity, and joy.

Fear: Nobody else will want me
Reality: Apparently, I’ve still got “it.” In no time at all, I had offers from four gentlemen--two of them half my age. Not too shabby for a 46-year-old gal.

Fear: I’ll be lonely
Reality: I’m much too busy enjoying new activities, new friends, a rekindled romance, and a new life to be lonely.

Fear: I’m incapable of taking care of myself
Reality: Today I’m independent, intelligent, and strong. I can do anything I set my mind to do and do it well.

Fear: My partner would fall apart with out me
Reality: He was falling apart with me and, for a time, he continued on the same path without me. And when he fell, he fell hard. He nearly lost his life—prompting him to finally get serious about his recovery. A path he probably would have taken much sooner, had I just stepped out of the way.

Fear: I’d feel guilty if my partner succumbed to the disease
Reality: I didn’t cause his disease, and I could do nothing to stop him. When the doctors called for next-of-kin because they feared he wouldn’t survive, I felt sad for a life potentially wasted, but never guilty.

Fear: A broken relationship is better than no relationship at all
Reality: In order to have a healthy relationship, I needed to be healthy first. In order to have a happy relationship, I needed to be happy with myself. Today, I am happy and healthy and I have a relationship with the man of my dreams—a recovering alcoholic.

Fear: I won’t be able to make it financially on my own.
Reality: We earn what we think we deserve. And when I stopped believing that I was worth less than others, my take home pay increased accordingly, to the tune of $1,400 a month—the exact amount Richard was contributing to my household each month. I asked for what I needed and I received it.

So what are your fears? What's keeping you from living YOUR best life?

mallowcup

A person worn down over tme becomes non self preserving.

BayouSelf

Lateeda - I'm with you standing on the side of the road (not living with AH anymore), but I'm also not frolicking in the woods yet. I've had friends try to set me upon a couple of dates, but I am in no way ready to go out on a date. Talk about fear. The thought of some man trying to take advantage of me right... Well, lets just say that I wouldn't want to be the guy who does that. He may not like me very much at the end of our date. So, I'm just going to stay on the side of the road for awhile.

Just when I thought my AH had moved on with another girl from AA, he shows up this morning on my doorstep. Haven't heard from him in a week. He was all decked out with his new Tommy Hilfiger clothes and cologne, looking and smelling quite good. He told me he needed to come by and pick up his golf clubs, but after staying a few minutes, he said that he didn't really need them, that he just wanted to come by and see me. He wanted to see if I was falling apart and I wasn't, so he commences to tell me that he and this new "girl" have decided not to get into a relationship because he's not over me yet and he needs to really work on his recovery and he's decided to stay out of a relationship (however he's living with this girl). Quack quack quack! I'm supposed to believe they have separate bedrooms?

He then comes and hugs me and tells me he loves me and leaves. 30 minute later, he calls and says thanks for being so understanding and tells me he loves me again. Tonight I get weak and sent a text message and I hear nothing back from him, as usual.

He's throwing me a rope and I attempted to pick it up, but at least now it doesn't take me long to let go of it. The fact that he didn't call me back, didn't even really upset me because my life has been so full and exciting lately, it doesn't really matter what happens with him anymore. I'm proud of the way I'm handling this and that I'm not falling to pieces because he didn't call back. This gets easier and easier every day.

In the book Getting Them Sober, it says its very difficult to lose an alcoholic. I thought I had finally lost mine and HE'S BACK! They don't stay gone too too long, even when you want them to. I think he's worried that I may be letting go of him and it feels great!

Jazzman

FD, great post
Mallow, I felt worn down... just before I hit my bottom. Then my actions displayed self preservation.
Blue.... OK I have to ask this... when will all his stuff be gone from your place?

kermit

I'm with LT & BB, off the road yet not frolicking.

mallowcup

I use to work for an organization that placed and schooled developmentally and physically disabled clients. Several were in the "Willowbrook class". Some of you may remember the documentary the Heraldo Rivera did years ago which exposed the deplorable living conditions of people living in institutions. They were living naked in feces, left to crawl around in excrement. They were beaten etc. That documentary changed everything. I actualy took care of two people who where in that documentary. Each quarter I did assessments on each resident. A part of that asessment was to evaluate each clients self preservation. In other words, if the house caught fire would they instinctively try to get out or would they just sit there. Some did not have the physical ability to get themselves out but some had no self preservation at all. If the house were to burn down, they would just sit there and burn with it. Is that a lack of some mental ability or had they just become nonself preserving over years of abuse and neglect? I don't know but it is heartbreaking. People often judge a person who doesn't leave. Something rose up in this woman when she refused to warm up the sandwich and unfortunately I recognized it. She probably knew all she had to do was warm up the sandwich and yet she refused feeling she'd rather die or be beaten up than tolerate one more minute of it.

ICU

Just thought I'd offer a different view....

She could have been utilizing detaching and not enabling skills as taught in Al-Anon....as in 'don't do for the alcoholic what he/she is capable of doing for themselves'.

That is precisely why a woman in a physically abusive relationship should NOT be following the teachings of Al-Anon. It can be downright dangerous and life threatening when she stops enabling and begins detaching for these are the very skills that can actually help to keep her safe. Instead, she should be getting assistance from those who are qualified and well-versed in domestic violence issues first. She could always follow Al-Anon steps once she is removed from the violent situation and safe.

Unfortunately many women confuse the issue. Domestic violence and alcholism are two SEPERATE issues. In many cases, the abuse only happens when the person is under the influence. So it would 'seem' logical, that you get rid of the alcohol issue, that the abuse automatically goes away. Not necessarily so!

For further insights into this, there is a stickie at the top re: DV and substance abuse.

CatsTail

:bun5
And one of the sad things is:

F

False

Evidence

Appearing

Real

= FEAR

And the other is I was listening to Vermont Public Radio yesterday and they were talking about when an abuser also hurts the animals and the sentences they get for hurting the animals which are alot more than what youget for abusing your spouse.

This is the system"

Ngaire

mallowcup

I agree 100% ICU.

mallowcup

When I first read what enabling was, I realized it was my mode of survival as a child.

LeafOnTheWind

I thought when I left my husband and the abuse, that I would leave behind the fear.

That was 5 months ago. Under the guise of 'being nice', my AH stops up at my place on a daily basis - bringing me the newspaper, wanting me to watch the dog for him, questions about the kids - who are living with him, but are currently away at school.

Why do I feel I have to tolerate this nonsense? Why do I peek out the window everytime I hear a truck outside to make sure it isn't him? Good thing I live on a dead end street, or I'd never leave the window. LOL

I've told him to call first. If I don't answer, he ends up at my door. I finally told him that I'd no longer read any text messages that he sent me - after one particularly bad guilt-laying message.

So, instead of telling him definitively to stop coming to my place, I smile and play nice - stopping short from inviting him in.

Why? Because I still fear that he'll start raging, start drinking again (he's been in a program for 3 months) and do something awful. Fear is giving me nightmares and digestive upsets - and now chest pains.

Why can't I cut that final connection between us?

TomsGirl

I've never stayed out of fear. Unrealistic hope may have kept me around too long, but never fear. Hope died in my first marriage, so I ended it. Things are looking hopeful in my current one, so I'm still here. Fear can result when we "need" someone, rather than we "want" someone. Get yourself to the point where you don't "need" and you'll be much better off.

LaTeeDa

FD, this is really a great thread and it is helping me tremendously. I think the two fears above are the biggest part of my "but" that is holding me back. And I am beginning to realize that it's really not all about my husband. You see, I was trained to feel this way long ago. And he knows exactly how to play on these fears and bring them out in me.

Can I ask you something? Were these things something that just came to you one day like AHA? Or was it more of a slow gradual process to get to that point? I am printing your list so I can remind myself when I have doubts.

L

BayouSelf

I suppose when he comes to pick it up. I keep asking him that and he says "soon". I can't dipose of it for legal reasons and he has until the divorce is final to get everything out of here. I'm sure he leaves it here just to have an excuse to get back in here every now and again.

FormerDoormat

I have been meaning to post this for a while now, but I wasn't sure how to begin. I thought the story of the woman who was killed over refusing to make her husband a sandwich was the perfect time to post it. The turning point for me was reading a simple little book--one that I've mentioned on this forum several times. It's called "Who Moved the Cheese?

It's the story of three mice who thought they had a life-time supply of cheese only to awake one day and realize that the cheese was gone. The story details the actions (and lack thereof) of the three mice as they set out in pursuit of new cheese. One mouse immediately sets out in search of new cheese.

The other two mice stay behind hoping that the cheese would magically reappear. Day after day, they return to their former feeding ground hoping that they'd find new cheese. They discuss the prospect of wandering around the maze in search of new cheese, but their fears keep them from moving forward.

What if they get lost? What if they can't find any cheese to sustain them as they search for a new life-time supply? What if new cheese were to arrive in the old location while they were out searching for a new location? What if they couldn't find their way home?

They are hungry, they are miserable, but still they don't venture out into the maze because they are frozen in fear. Meanwhile, Scurry, the mouse who had immediately embarked on a search for new cheese and who had been enjoying bits of cheese here and there along the way, had now found new cheese. Not the same cheese as before, but cheese of a much higher quality. While the other two mice were still frozen in fear, Scurry was enjoying a new life.

Eventually, the second mouse--called Hem--carefully ventures out into the maze. After a few starts and stops he finally joins Scurry and they two of them find new cheese everywhere.

The third mouse--called Haw--remains frozen and never moves forward. That's the jist of the story. But one line from that book helped me to finally let of my fears and move forward. It's a question I've posed to various members of this forum several times. It was:

"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

I asked myself that question, and suddenly all the answers I'd been searching for were clear. I stopped thinking in terms of "what if." I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I stopped complaining that my life was a mess. I stopped focusing of what my boyfriend was doing and I began to focus on me. And most importantly, I put one foot in front of the other, and I took action.

One year later my life has changed drastically. I'm happy and healthy and free from the debilitating effects of living with an alcoholic partner. The turning point in my life was realizing that my fears were every bit as debilitating to me as alcohol was to Richard. When I finally let go of my fears, Richard found a path to recovery and I found new cheese everywhere.

I realized that fear was keeping me stuck in an unacceptable relationship. I realized that fear was keeping me from moving forward in my life and in my job. I realized that fear was keeping me from meeting new people and trying new things. I realized that fear was keeping me from living my best life. And most of all, I learned that none of my fears came true.

So ask yourself, are you living your best life? If not, perhaps it's time to stop complaining and start taking actions.

I was hoping that folks responding to this thread would take an inventory of the fears that are keeping them from moving forward rather than focusing on the poor woman in the headlines who is now beyond help.

blizzard77

I'm striving everyday to live the best life I can. I am still with my AH and stayed because I wanted to be with him. He went into a 28day rehab and during that time with much work on my codependancy issues I've come to realize that I don't need him but I want him...sober that is.
I'm begining to fall in love with the man I married and learning to let go of the disease that I married and participated in perpetuating for years.
All is not perfect. But it will never be. We just take it one day at a time and are greatful for a second chance to love, trust and invite true imtamacy back into our marriage. I slip up a lot but I'm learning from each slip up and for that I am also greatful. I know his sobriety is not a "sure" thing and that a relapse is something that may happen tomorrow but today was one more baby step on both of our journeys to recovery and self awareness.
Today, I give thanks to my higher power for the good and the bad that I have endured and will continue to endure as my recovery progresses.
Just for today I give thanks to one more day in which myself and my husband have been in control of ourselves and our recovery. He is the love of my life and seeing him become filled with peace and serenity makes me strive just as hard as he to feel the same thing, and today I do.
On this Easter Eve I want to thank my higher power for the gift of recovery for myself and my husband.

LaTeeDa

FD, I actually read that book some years ago as part of a management exercise at work. I had forgotten all about it till now. Thank you so much for reminding me of it. And thanks for the kick in the behind to get out there and search for my cheese!

Blizzard, your story is rare, but heartening. I wish you both the best in your continuing journey.

What a great place, SR.

L

luvmyfurbabies

When I was in my 20's I married the man I refer to now as "The Devil". I stayed with him for almost 5 years. He drank, smoked pot, and eventually became hooked on crack. He didn't need to drink to be abusive. The alcohol just made it worse. I stayed with him out of fear. He used to tell me that if I ever left him he'd kill me. He also said that no other man would want me because I couldn't have children. When I caught him in bed with another woman he told me it was my fault and his mothers fault. If I hadn't accused him of it he wouldn't have done it. I'll be 46 on Monday and I still have nightmares about him. Not so much anymore since I've been in counseling but still sometimes. They are never nice dreams. He is the only person that if he came to my front door starving to death I could close the door and leave him there to suffer the way he made me and my animals suffer. He was also very abusive to my pets (my substitute children). I will never live in that kind of fear again and no other man will ever hit me or my animals and get away with it again. My AH now has never even yelled at me in 10 1/2 years. He's a very calm person. BUT he's still an Alcoholic who drinks 10-12 beers a day.